I met a guy toward the end of the school year before this summer. I am confused about his behavior and also by how I feel towards him. We first talked for a few hours with a mutual friend, singing Rent and making casual small talk. I felt really comfortable around him, and it was fun. We both wanted to talk again. So we arranged for him to visit me while I was working in an office. He came and sat and we talked. I talked a lot, and he seemed a bit quiet. He wanted to meet again though, and although I was tired because it was almost finals week, we agreed to meet when I was in the office the following night. He came down and was quieter than before. I didn't try to fill the space with me talking, so there were quite a few awkward pauses. We met again with a few mutual friends on Undie Run night, when many students run across campus in their underwear. Our group only watched, with our clothes on and stuff. I had the urge to impress him, or at least talk to him, but he seemed to be more interested in talking to one of our female friends that was with us. That's when I decided that if I wanted anything to happen with this guy, I was not going to try and impress him by doing anything I wouldn't normally do. I would act naturally, and that way any relationship we have will be genuine and not stressful. School ended, we went home to our respective states. He texts a lot, mostly asking how life is. He admitted to feeling a "strange pull toward" me, that he "really likes" me. He also casually suggested sexting, which I turned down because I could never take sexts seriously (they sound hilarious). The thing is, I don't like texting. It's impersonal and they're too short to explain how I'm really doing. Now I'm confused about what he's feeling and what I'm feeling. He says he really likes me, but the only time he seems interested in me is via text. In person he seems uninterested, or uncomfortable or something. Perhaps afraid of intimacy? I'm worried that he may be attracted to the idea of me, but not the real me. As for me, I liked talking to him that first night, and seeing him in person with his friends because he seems comfortable or more open. I don't really like his texts though, because they're usually impersonal and a hassle. He asks me how it's going, but there's only enough space to say I'm fine, how is he. I'm not sure if I find him attractive or not either, mostly I've seen so little of him in person. I think I might just like the idea of being in a relationship. I think he could have potential, but if he doesn't open up to me then it doesn't seem like there's much of a future. I think I would be fine with not dating anyone right now anyway. I'm also worried that if I continue to talk to him to get to know him better, he may think it's a done deal and I'm attracted to him. But I'm really just interested in getting to know him better so that I can tell if I'm attracted to him. I don't want to be like, "So I've finally realized I don't 'like' like you, but I want to be friends." It seems mean. Is it? All this worrying seems like a waste of my time because I won't be back at school or see him for weeks. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else can recognize what I'm feeling: mild attraction, dating inhibitions, self-delusion, etc. And if anyone has any recommendations for what I can do come this fall, please let me know because I'm a little scared of uncertainty. Thanks. :smilewave
I'm in a bit of a similar situation, though I feel that in my situation I'm more like your friend. He could be uncomfortable saying how he feels in words. It's pretty difficult, especially considering how quiet he was, and could also have little experience talking to someone new in person about personal things and is inexperienced with intimacy(and there's worlds of reasons why this could develop). Texts are easy because they seem distancing, and it gives a false sense that consequences of some words are only virtual. You should give him a bit of time to warm up to you and become comfortable enough to talk with you more, and you can even use this time to get to know him better. As far as advice to help you see if you do like him or just like the idea of a relationship, think, when you do talk to him, "Could this guy be a good friend/my best friend?" instead of "Could this guy be my boyfriend?"
I am starting to see a phenomenon where people in their teens and early 20s are more comfortable talkign about almost anything personal via text. It's a safer form of "intimacy". Not sure it's healthy, though. I don't see a problem with spending time getting to know him better before deciding if you want to take it any further. But perhaps you can just be up front about it. Describe it in the context that you like to get to know your friends and understand them. If/when it seems to be moving in the direction of relationship, on either of your parts, just discuss it directly, and be honest. Say you like going slow, and you never know when you first meet someone if there will be real compatibility but you'd like to be his friend and just leave it open to see where that leads. It's always a little awkward to put that out there, but if both of you can get past that awkwardness, it will pave the way for a much deeper and more authentic friendship, and, potentially, relationship.
I think Chip and Owl47 had some good advice. I wouldn't give up on him yet...however, it was not totally clear to me....do we know this guy is gay...has he dated other guys...cuz if you are the first guy that would explain his shyness I would guess...or if he is working on coming out, even to himself, he might just like talking to another gay guy... or if he is out then he could just be nervous about intimacy or something...or if he straight...well, then you should decided if you like him as a friend
Oh, he's gay. He's out at school, and out to his parents and one sister, but not out to his other two siblings. We're both from Catholic families. He says he's experimented with another guy before, but I don't know what that means, specifically. He certainly is gay, though. I'm a year older than him. He's taller than me.
