I've been feeling so happy and positive since I started coming out. Then today I got into a funk. I thought that I would be cool with living a dual life because of my religious beliefs. I want to continue to live in my religious community and yet also be a lesbian, aka live my life in a Don't Ask, Don't Tell way. Telling anyone will mean ostracization and worse. But it's only been a month, and I already am tired of not being able to "just be me". Granted, I know that I simply can't be more out to my religious friends- unless I want big-time negative repercussions in my life. I would lose my job, my living quarters, my social network. And because everyone knows everyone, anywhere I moved and tried to belong to a religious community, I would be shunned. Same reasons apply for my not being able to tell my ultra-religious immediate family. So I just needed to get that off my chest. I want to be free to be me and live my life. And not have people judge. I guess it's time to remove those rose-coloured glasses, eh? Thanks for listening.
Well, perhaps it's time to start giving it some more thought. I could perhaps bone up on some subject I don't have much interest in (like Warcraft, or football/soccer), and then join a group of people who love that subject. I could become buddy-buddy with a group of Warcraft fiends, and discuss this dungeon, and that server, and that other quest. But they're not really going to be my friends. Because they're not befriending ME. They're befriending this false persona I've put forward. I couldn't really be myself around them - I'd feel like I'd have to keep chatting about Warcraft around them, because that's what they like about me, right? And there's where the problem is. I don't want to have to pretend to like Warcraft - or anything - just in order so that somebody will like me. I want them to like me for me, and I want to like them for them. We might not have exactly the same likes and dislikes, but I'm cool with them liking things that I don't. And that's how it should be. You can skirt the issue of your sexuality with your family - I mean, it's the only family you got, and you may be still dependent on them. But it's pointless to do so with friends. You want friends who like Ana, not Ana-if-she-were-straight. Lex
