I have been struggling accepting myself for a few months now. I am perfectly happy being gay, actually, and I have already even come out to my closest friends who were so supportive. But right now is that it seems like my whole summer now is revolving around telling my parents, but the problem is I'm having a hard time doing it. I thought about it the other day and I realized I'm still not 100% sure I'm gay. But really deep down I know. But I feel like I need someone to tell me that I am in fact gay and I shouldn't have to worry about it so I can move on! I guess my worse nightmare would be to come out gay and then later figure out it was just a phase or something ridiculous... I'm sure this is understandable hahaha can anyone else relate to me and my situation? Any advice, etc.? I know I'm begin ridiculous but if you could just help me out I'd be appreciative. So here's the things that give me doubt: I didn't realize I was gay until I was 18 years old. I hear stories about a lot of guys that knew at ages 11 or 13... I don't fit the gay stereotype. I'm not feminine much at all. Right now I cant relate much to flamboyant gay guys. Not that I hate them or anything, it's just a turn off and really makes me doubt my sexuality. And no one has suspected me of being gay. When I came out I asked my friends and they said I was the last person they'd suspect to come out (they weren't kidding). Here's how I know I'm gay: Even though I didn't realize I was gay until 18, looking back I relaxed I really thought some guys were really good looking, especially in the face. I never really had the same feelings about a girl. I always thought about having a girlfriend was silly and the only reason why guys do it in high school is because they want everyone else to know that they aren't gay. Back then I would say that I was secure and didn't need to prove anything. I tried being straight but over time it just overcame me and I gave up trying to be interested in women. This process lasted over a year and I would continue to go back and reject my short moments of being gay, but these feelings started coming back more quickly until I gave up. It's a lot easier talking about which guys are hot compared to talking about girls. Whenever I saw a gay guy in person or on tv I'd always perk up and try to observe how he acted. I think now maybe I was subconsciously looking for a role model or something. Eventually it got to the point where even anyone saying the word "gay" or bringing up anything about a gay guy or topic would turn me on haha.
Your gay? Is that what you wanted to hear? You like guys better than girls to the point where anything referencing gays turns you on. You have found some boys more attractive than girls. You tried to rationalize not wanting a girlfriend. And you were looking for a gay role model. I think it's time you completely accept yourself and move on.
There are also guys who didn't figure it out until their 30s, 40s or later. 18's by no means too late to realise. Half the posts on EC are gay guys saying they're not feminine and they don't relate to or like the stereotypes. It doesn't make them, or you, any less into guys. So given that neither of your reasons that you might not be gay hold up, and the reasons you think you are (particularly trying to be straight and realising it wasn't going to work) seem pretty telling, I think calling yourself gay is pretty safe.
I know it's ridiculous and I've spent countless hours reading the same stories but I needed to get out my feelings right now and see what others thought. It's so hard to live 18 years of your life thinking your are one thing and then figuring out you are something else. I appreciate it.
Yep it sucks sometimes but at think at one point or another right at the start everyone starts questioning themselves on this issue. I know I did.
Hi there, and welcome to EC! I think you are being a bit too hard yourself. If it is any help, I came out 'only' a bit more than two years ago, *points to the age*. Do I have days where I think, 'only if I would have come out earlier?'. Yes I do. I had to have a life changing experience to be able to start the coming out process and change my life but at the same time, I know that all of that is history. I know the reasons why I didn't come out earlier, and accepting them means I can live my life the way it is meant to be now. It doesn't really matter when you came out. Your age doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you fit the 'gay stereotype'. You came out when you were 18. That's cool! Thinking about what your sexual orientation was up until you were 18 and what it is now, will only add to your worries and perhaps even insecurities. When I started coming out to my friends, all of them were a bit surprised. I don't fit the gay stereotype either. I wouldn't worry about it. Reading through your first post, it is possible that your thoughts about coming out to your parents do place some doubts on your sexual orientation. It is a major step telling your parents. Having these doubts, and despite of having received acceptance and support, could very well be part of deep seated worries about how your parents could react or what they could say. Maybe give that some thought. How would your parents react? Would they be supportive and accepting? At the same time, always remember that sexual identities are fluid. Sometimes it can help just thinking about it and/or talking about your feelings that you do have. From what you have said, and if you have an attraction to guys, that is a strong clue right there. I would suggest that you maybe talk to a counselor about what you are going through at the moment. Sometimes, hearing yourself out loud can really help in figuring things out. Hope this helps a bit!
Hi there, and welcome to EC! Enjoy your stay! It's hard determining people's sexuality over the internet, but from what you say, it sounds like you're gay allright. You feel guys are goodlooking, while you never thought that about girls. you feel drawn to gay people (or even turned on), and over time it just felt more and more natural. It doesn't get any clearer than that. As for the things giving you doubt, some thoughts: - To me, it seems like you just took your time to find an attraction to anyone. You weren't so much straight before as you were asexual. Which makes it easy to assume that when attraction will starts coming, it will be straight attraction. Just in your case, it turned out to be gay attraction instead. - Don't be too jealous of people figuring it out early. That also comes with a lot of angst. As soon as I had an inkling I might be gay, I tried suppressing any and all feelings I had until I would turn straight again. Not a pleasant 12 years... So I'm kind of jealous that you had a quiet straight childhood. But we all want what we didn't have... - Most gay people I know are straight-acting. Not that I necessarily take pride in my straight-actingness, but in my case, a lot of people did go: "wait, what??" when I came out to them. And after coming out, my tastes didn't really change either. It is pretty natural to get a bit of doubt before coming out. What you tell them will change their image of you a bit, and it will challenge their expectations. So it's naturaly to want to do it right and make sure you're sure of yourself. But from what you say, I think you can be pretty secure, yes.
I have always hated labels, but it's tearing me up inside keeping this part of me secret and I can't wait to tell them so I can move on and be happy. Listening to what you guys have said has given me more confidence to do so. Thanks.
I can reeeeeally relate with you there since I'm in a very similar mind set and also don't fit many of the steriotypes though I suppose not many people do Only difference being I found out at 13 but otherwise I seem to have many of the same problems and am constantly raking my brain to confirm the fact that i'm gay but every time I confirm it I think of something else which makes me think am I really sure? which starts it up again... But yeah the worst fear would have to be if it turned out I wasn't in the end I suppose the main reson I stay sane is because i'm 99.9% sure I'm not straight even if I'm not gay so that makes things a bit more straight forward Though I can't really offer much advice as I'm still working things out in my head myself, the best advice would probably be to just experiment and experience things with different people as that should confirm things for you
if it takes any effort whatsoever for you to be attracted to women, then you're not really attracted to women. It sounds like you're gay. I have a friend who didnt realize he was gay until he was 21 years old... Lots of guys dont realize right away because we're so pressured to love women. I don't think you should worry about this being a phase at all.
I'm glad everyone helped. And so what if you didn't figure it out till 18? I didn't till I was 17. There are some guys who wind up getting married and having kids before they figure out (which is quite sad) so it's good you figured it out by 18. As for the not being able to associate with the flamboyant gay men, I don't either. I myself hang around with straight people because the gay population in my city piss me off. So you can't associate with flamboyant gay men, so what? Associate with the people you know are your friends and you can associate with rather than try to force yourself to get to know people you know you won't really like.
Nothing unusual about questioning this. Some people know it right off the bat, but for most it is a process. Just from my experience, I went from "well it's just a phase" to "eh, ok i may be a little bi" to, "yep..I'm a big ole homo." When i was in my late teens and early 20's I knew that I was attracted to some guys...but I still had somewhat of an attraction to girls too. Which confused the hell out of me. But that gradually faded to where I was strictly messing around with guys. But I still considered myself bi. Weird I know. I questioned it for years. I didn't admit (or fully know really) that I was fully gay until I developed feelings for someone. My first "gay crush" so to speak..and I have never questioned my sexuality since that day. From what you wrote in your post, it sounds like you're pretty much "one of them gays".
This is probably the reason why I'm here to be honest. I just needed a little more confidence before I go on with it (and you guys have helped). I know my parents will react and it will probably be awkward but I know they will eventually be supportive and I know they'll be accepting. Yeah it is true that slowly it got more and more difficult to "make" myself attracted to women. Yeah I thought I was bi for a week or so but that really didn't last long haha. I also feel I won't really feel 100% gay until I have a crush on a guy (hasn't happened yet). But I think I'm feeling confident enough that I can tell my parents and continue on.
o please, are you kidding me with this? these are terrible reasons to question your sexuality. i'm like the gayest guy here but none of my friends ever suspected it, a bunch of them needed me to convince them before they believed it. but how i act doesnt change the fact that i think (some) guys can be the most beautiful things on this planet. and as for femme guys, it's a type. the way i see it is; I'm gay, that means i like guys, if i wanted to date girls or anyone like a girl, then i would, but i don't. (not that i love flamers any less, you're hilarious and shouldn't change a thing, but it just doesn't get me going). don't judge your inside by your outside. that's just asking for trouble. anyway, sorry that sounded harsh, it's all just tough love, i know it's not as easy for everyone as it was for me to figure out, i just wanted it to be clear that you're gonna have to think of better excuses to be straight than that as for telling other people about your sexuality, try not to feel pressured. it's your life and you should decide who should know and when. there's no set right time to tell, it's all about how you feel about your security.
