I told my mom this morning that I was gay. She kinda had a blank stare on her face (definitely a deer in headlights moment). And she asked "are you really" and I said yes. We talked for a couple of minutes, and the same question kept coming up..."How do you know?". And the only way I could answer that to her is that Im not attracted to girls...at all, and I like to be more than friends with guys, I want to have a bf and I don't want to keep her in the dark anymore. In the end, she said that she was ok with whatever i am or feel, and that she loves me no matter what, but that she was not convinced that I am gay, because I cannot possibly know that I don't like girls until I have sex with one. Has anybody else had this reaction? I really don't know what to do, she called me crying after she left for work and told me that she really needs me to know that its hard for her to accept it, but that she's ok with it and loves me no matter what, but I can't help feeling that I've left this huge burden on her, and anything bad that happens or when she feels badly its gonna be my fault...I don't even know what to do when I have to see her next (which will be soon, because we work in the same place...)
Well congrats on coming out. I'm sorry that she isn't too understanding. I have also had that response of how do you know If you haven't had sex. But you and I know that it's just embedded within us. Take care
I cant really talk from personal experience, because i came out later (after i had had a gf, and was with a bf at the time) but you should get her some pflag stuff. Here's a thread becky has posted up, with a link to all the stuff you should need. Keep in mind, you know your mum better than a piece of paper with words on it, so you'd know what words she'd understand. Just explain to her that its not a decision you've just suddenly come to, its taken you years (or however long it was for you) to accept yourself, so you understand it'll take a while for her to accept it aswell. You could also link her to this thread (if you dont mind her searching your other posts on this forum).
Congratulations on telling her I also think like she said to you, she may need some time to adjust to it and even if she isn't convinced that you are gay at the moment, at least you know she will come to accept it when she does realise its not just a phase or something
Honestly, this is not as bad as it might look! I think you should focus on the most important part: she made it clear that she loves you no matter what, and that, while she has difficulties accepting it, she is trying. With that mindset, all of the objections and fears and regrets and doubts she has now can be overcome. I think a lot of her reaction shows the stereotypical coping strategy people default to when dealing with a sudden shock (to be gone through in any order, and sometimes simultaneously): - denial (no, you can't possibly be gay!), - fear (oh no! you'll risk being unhappy and hurt, and did you know all the diseases you can get?), - anger (why are you doing this to me? Can't you just be normal, damnit?), - bargaining (just make the effort of sleeping with one girl! You might be straight after all!) And finally, acceptance, though that one takes a time. And, unfortunately, can only be reached through the other four stages. Even though it's a bit of a burden dealing with it, you did the right thing in telling her. As you and I know (and she will come to know), you were never miraculously going to turn straight, so she'd have had to deal with it sooner or later. And the sooner she can learn to accept it, the better! What you need to do is pretty simple: just continue being yourself. Show her that nothing really changed. And if she brings it up, don't evade the conversation. You already know the answers to all her questions. You know you're gay in the same way that straight guys know they're straight (even without trying out sleeping with guys). And if your mom sees that, it will be that much easier for her to learn to accept. Maybe it's going to take a bit, but I'm sure things will turn out just fine in the end (*hug*)
You could always pull the good ol' "Did you have to have sex with another woman to know you weren't gay?" but you might not want to know if she did! lol
i wouldn't use that exact question with a parent, since i don't want to know about either one's sex life at all. but say something along those lines, something that will remind her that people just know who they are attracted to without having to do anything with them beforehand
Congrats on telling her. It's always hard to do, but it sounds like it actually went pretty well. Her response is just another variation of denial, which is the first stage of loss (the "loss" of your being straight) Denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Give it a little time. You haven't "burdened" her; you've told her the truth and shared something that was important to you. I think you're extraordinarily lucky that she is as open and honest with you as she is. Being able to tell you that it is hard for her to accept means that the communication lines between the two of you are open and healthy, and she's just stating her honest feelings. I think that in coming days, she will begin to understand better. I don't think she *really* thinks you need to have sex with a girl to know for sure, that's just a great way of maintaining the denial... "He can't be gay, he's never had sex with a girl!"... but it will pass.
Congrats!! From what you've said it seems like she's going through denial, which is common. My mom and sisters had the same reaction. They said they loved me, but later on they kept saying that I couldn't know yet, I was too young, I needed to try girls, etc. They're really just trying to convince themselves that you're not gay. With time, and a few talks with you, I'm sure you're mom will be fine with it.
My mom tried to tell me the same thing, that I was too young to know what I liked, and that it was just a phase. Just let her know that you're serious and you know that you're gay, dont go back into the closet like I did haha! Congrats and I'm glad it went well!
Thanks for everyone's responses! After a couple of days, things have been OK, but still weird (which I expected). She is still convinced that I could not possibly know now...but at the same time, she is worried about me spending any time with other guys (gay or straight)...specifically with my BEST friend since about third grade, who I've always hung out with. Me and friends are going to Orlando for three days tomorrow, and when I told her it would be me and him in the hotel room, she had a weird/worried look on her face, like I was gonna try something with him...and that seems to come up everytime i say im going out with friends that happen to be guys...what to do??
Head her off at the pass. Say "We're going to Orlando for a few days, and I'll be sharing a hotel room with Fred. Who, I hasten to point out, is straighter than a ruler." Say it with a smile (not a smirk!) and she should understand. Lex
Haha, she's acting like a parent of a straight guy would if they were staying in a hotel with their girl best friend. SHE LOVES YOU! :icon_bigg Just let her know that you're still the best friends you always were and that nothing would happen between you.
