How can I accept that I can never tell my grandfather?

Yeah, I'm in the same situation I can't tell my Grandparent's, it's just a no go area.

Does your Grand- Mother Know?

 

the older generation are set in their ways, there is nothing we can do about that. I'd say just be you, thats all we can do in this world.

 

It'll be up to you how far you want to take this. If your grandfather starts talking smack about gays, you can stay silent. Or you can say something like "I actually know a couple gay people, and I think they're pretty cool myself." Or "This is some place I think we're just gonna have to agree to disagree." If he tries to draw you in, refuse. "Sorry - I'm not interesting in debating 'the gay question'."

Lex

 

Sorry to hear.

I would take Lex's advice.

Also, the older people were taught that being Gay is wrong. They are pretty much set in there ways.

 

it's different between both of my grandfathers. my father's father seems like he'd be ok with it, plus he lives in Florida, near a gay area i think. my dad says he thinks his father would be fine with it if he knew about me.

my mom's father however is a typical old racist Italian Catholic conservative. i've never heard him make comments on anything gay, but anything to do with race, he's voiced his opinion, and my reaction is just like "wait...i'm related to this bastard?" so i feel like i can NEVER tell him. even when i told my father that his father in-law is a racist, he said "yep, he is. and imagine how he'd react if he knew you were gay" which i had already thought about. so i'm not telling him. but if he happens to find out, or if there is a situation where i'm forced to tell him, i don't mind never speaking to him again, since i hate bigoted bastards like him anyway. plus he's screwed over my parents and my brother a few times before i was born. my dad says he'll celebrate when his father in-law dies.

anyway, for the apparently homophobic grandfather, if you think a relationship with him is worth saving, and you want to be honest with him, you can come out and try to talk some sense into him.

my other grandfather might somehow be cool with it. obviously they were raised differently.

but when it comes to my racist grandfather, i feel like he's just overall a fake person. i feel like he's just being nice to me to make it up to my parents for what he put them through, and i'm guessing he thinks i don't know about what he's done. but like i said i don't mind never speaking to him again. if he hated me for being gay, my father and brother would not be disappointed at all. they'd even expect it. my mom might be disappointed, but she needs to realize that years ago, he called her - his own daughter - a cunt, and almost killed her first born son - my brother.

 

I agree with Chip. I've experienced several elderly people who are open-minded about the subject. Even my maternal grandmother (oddly because my mom is not).

In the case of your grandfather however, It seems he's not going to give in to the concept any time soon. Some people have a certain way of thinking and refuse to deviate from it for whatever reasons. If you don't tell him, it's possible you'll maintain your relationship with him yet retain an indefinite confinement to his biases. If you tell him, it may be likely that he will disapprove, and your relationship with him may grow some distance. Though it's possible he will be accepting of you, I think you are the best judge of that. You know how he acts, and you are the best at predicting how he will react.

I agree with Lex in that you should try bringing up homosexuality in a very nonchalant manner just to further understand his views on it and see if you can't possibly alter them ever so slightly.

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to this dilemma. :icon_sad: I think your personal judgment is your best tool.

 

I sympathise; my maternal grandparents are like that - they use the N-word, as you put it, and lots of others about just about anyone. There's a part of me that would like to tell them because it would force them to realise that gay people are just that - people. However, since my grandmother has frequently told me "not to be one of those poofs" I'm not sure I could be bothered with the personal upset. I can't entirely blame them - they're a product of their society, and generation. I remember their reaction to an episode of 'Eastenders' (a very popular soap in the UK which they watch religiously) which had a gay muslim in it. I was close to having a full-blown argument, but it's never worth it, in my experience.
Not telling them really doesn't bother me, since I'll be moving to a different city/Island in a few months, and I'd not be terribly keen to introduce them to a boyfriend, they'd only horrify him .
But as Jeremy says, it's your personal judgement - quite frequently people who seem really homophobic are quite accepting though - it's all just a show because they don't know what to think, but feel the need to have an opinion, and quite frequently a negative one is the easier one to have, since it doesn't require you to understand, only to regurgitate other people's sentiments. If you're keen to tell him try testing the water - it sounds a bit like you already have - and if you find alligators then I'd step back.
Hope that helps, another load of waffle I'm afraid - I'm not exactly short-winded.

 

My grandfather (before he passed away) was much like yours. What I'm going to tell you is this: there's a difference between knowing and being told. He probably has a sneaking suspiscion that you're gay, and is making comments and lashing out to hide his unease. Try to keep it like the don't ask, don't tell policy. If he asks and you're still not comfortable with telling him, avoid the subject.