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encouragement and advice needed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by closetgregg, Aug 1, 2010.

  1. closetgregg

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    when visiting a friend, she pulled me aside and asked straight up and asked me"are you gay?" i was frozen. alot of other people were around and i clammed up. i lied and denyed everything. now i feel awful for lying to a good friend. what should i do?
     
  2. Jeremy

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    I think people asking whether or not you're gay is absolutely none of their business. It also shows their lack of consciousness about the sensitivity of the subject.

    If you are not ready to come out, that's completely your choice. You shouldn't feel obligated to, especially if you're in such a pressuring situation. I think it's wrong that she would do that, even if she is your good friend. If you do decide to come out to her, I think you should let her know how you feel about the situation. Even people who say they "don't think anything's wrong with homosexuality" don't always understand that that's not the underlying factor that brings people to open up to them.

    Sorry that that happened, but don't feel guilty of lying. It's your personal information. What if someone asked an HIV+ person if they had AIDS? Should they feel obligated to tell them they do even though it's none of their business?

    (I'm not trying to relate AIDS to homosexuality; I'm simply comparing the concept of things that are nobody's business but your own).
     
  3. foofighter

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    Do you want to come out to her? If so just explain it to her in private and how you were just caught off guard and put on the spot. She'll understand for sure and sounds like she already really knows. If you don't want to come out to her you don't have to and don't feel bad for lying about it. It's your personal business and you can take as long as you want.
     
  4. Iniquity

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    That was a spur of the moment decision. Honestly, I don't blame you for not telling if you truly weren't ready. Please don't feel bad, especially if you didn't want the people around you to know. You should come out to her when you feel you are ready, and in the way you want to (if that's in private, then it should be in private). Don't beat yourself up over a spur of the moment decision. Now you have the chance to take control of it and let her know when you are ready and comfortable to say it.
     
  5. Lexington

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    Welcome to (the posting side of) EC!

    1've oft maintained here that if somebody says "I'm straight", you should believe it. Not because it's necessarily the gospel truth, but because it means one of two things. Either they're straight, or they're not comfortable enough with their sexuality yet. And although I mainly say that to people asking about friends ("he said he's not gay"), I'd say it's true in your case, too. You're simply not ready to let anybody know.

    But that leads to the next question. How to get into a position where you ARE comfortable with your sexuality. So you CAN not only letting people know, but getting to a point where you can get into a relationship (or even just get laid). It might be that's a far-off goal, but that's fine. May as well start now. If you'd like, maybe we can help you on that path.

    Lex
     
  6. GoinStag

    In Loving Memory

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    So she asked you an incredibly personal question out of the blue in front of other people.....don't feel bad.
     
  7. malachite

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    It was a little out of line yo ask you with with ton of people around. This person should have known better and brought this up in private.

    Don't feel bad. If I was that situation I'd of lied too. Its not big thing, you'll come out when your ready, wait til YOU feel ready and come out YOUR terms.
     
  8. chrisg

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    A few years ago, I was still in the closet with my parents, and I remember one car ride when my father asked me if I was gay (great conversation starter, right?). I said that I wasn't, mostly because I wasn't ready to come out to either of my parents.

    When I finally did come out to them, they said, "But we asked you before and you said no!" It took a while to get them to understand that the coming-out process, barring any unintentional outing by someone else, takes time, and it's absolutely not an issue if you lie a little bit because you're not yet prepared to let others know the truth.

    Keep on becoming more comfortable with yourself, and, soon enough, you'll have no problem answering a question like the one your friend asked!
     
  9. george678

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    First, Welcome to EC!

    Secondly, I don't blame you when people use to ask me, in a big crowd I shrugged it off to.
    It's a very personal subject. Also, you may not be ready to come out. If you are, then next time your alone say "Well actually I lied the other night, I am Gay."

    Hope that helps. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Owen91

    Owen91 Guest

    This actually happened to me about six months ago.

    Two of my really good friends (both girls, one straight and one gay) and I were hanging out and they straight-up asked me "if I wanted to tell them anything, because they'd love me no matter what and I could tell them anything." This was right after I admitted to them that I'd had no girlfriends and wasn't really interested in getting one.

    I froze up. I don't know why. I wasn't out to any friends, just my parents... I hadn't even told my sister yet. I just couldn't say the words. I knew they would absolutely freak out (in a good way) if I confirmed what they suspected about me, but I still just couldn't say anything except for a kinda stuttered "no."

    God, that was embarrassing. Because they were almost visually upset by the fact that I didn't tell them. I felt like a total liar.

    But then I realized it was my choice and not theirs when to come out. If I didn't have the strength to do it yet, I just simply couldn't do it.

    It's always your choice. Don't feel obligated to do anything. I don't feel regret about not telling these two friends of mine. I feel comfortable saving it until I felt comfortable.
     
  11. csm123

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    Hi,maybe you could meet your friend alone and tell her yes you are gay,but the reason you said no to her was because she was wrong to ask in such a way when everyone could listen in on such a personal subject.Also might be a good idea to say that you are not really ready for everyone to know just yet,so would she please keep this talk to herself as you will come out to others when you want to.

    I have been asked this question in a quiet pub where all 12-14 people turned and looked for my answer,i just said yes definately gay so the whole pub could hear,then carried on my drink and conversation as before.After that her and her mates took there interests elsewhere but became far more friendly to talk to.

    Give it a bit more time,let a few friends know and before you know it you are comfortable enough to let people know and even think,well if they cant accept it then its thier problem-not mine.

    It may be worth remembering that straight people would not really care if a sexuality question came up in public because they can tell the truth without fear of riddicule.They may not realise the difficultys we go through at the begining of coming out,but as many will tell you it gets alot easier as you go because tou gain confidence all the time which helps alot.

    having a daily dose of EC and reading the replys gave me great inspiration to come out and heped alot,you are not the only one with the same troubles when on here.Listen to LEX and you wont go far wrong.