I feel very depressed lately and finally the thing that pushed me a little to far is my aunt i am tired of her fucking bullshit [ sorry for cursing ] she called me and gave me a anxiety attack saying my grandfather was in the hospital and i spoke to her and she didn't think to say at the time he was ok , and i had to wait over a day and a half to hear he was ok , and i still haven't been told what happened all i know is he had heart problems and when i went there to see him they were still taking tests so i had no clue and i am just pissed off at her ...... on top of that now she wants me not to worry about him and go clean her yard and shit ...... i just don't know what i am going to do , i cannot tell her i am tired of her BS and i just am tired of her taking advantage of me . she was recently in a wreck [ december 28 ] and has been in a wheel chair since and i have to go with her everywhere because HER SON wont help her even though its his fault she is in the wheelchair AND HER HUSBAND is saying he isn't physically able to push her wheelchair around MAYBE IF SHE DIDNT TAKE HOURS SHOPPING he could but i dont know i am just ready to say done i just dont know how and i just need to get this out and this was the only place i felt i could ....... but she wanted me to run and get her a snack from the hospital lobby when i went there to visit my grandfather and i think she is just a attention whore but WTF THERE IS A LIMIT ! i just dont want to even talk to her anymore about anything but i have to rely on her for rides becuase my mom wont let me get a license to drive and i am just about to flip out AND THEN SHE WONT LET ME GO TO THERAPIST BECAUSE MY GRANDFATHER and i wanted to tell her i called him to keep myself from hurting myself [suicide ] the day before i heard about my grandfather and that just made it worse [ alot worse ] becuase the stress . i still am hurting emotionally and want to hurt myself , maybe not suicide but i really badly want to cut again .... or drink idk maybe even smoke i have all 3 available to me and i need to get out some stress now on to band , i have to keep up this "happy" apperance , even though i have all this outside of it and i am just ready to say fuck it all i just dont know what to do ............ suicide isn't theanswer but its sounding like a good one..... i was supposed to contact one of two people when i felt like this but i can't rely on others all the time , it just leaves you open to pain it always has . and i dont have a house phone or a cell phone so how am i supposed to call my therapist when i feel suicidal so i am fucked over eeverywhere and i am ready to call it quits and i dont give a fuck anymore i just am tired of all this and i just want to cut [ non suicidally ] why is it such a issue , why cant i drink why cant i smoke i was doing ok on my own for 5 years but now i have to take meds for the voices and depression , they dont work really , i have said this all the phsychiatrist has done is increase the dosage so ya i am about ready to just medicate myself if i cant get help [ drinking again everyother night and smoking weed and ciggarettes ] i was in inpatient therapy about 3 months ago and i will kill myself if i go back and i tried to there already i have a permanent scar now , i had a razorblade paper clips staples sharp pieces of plastic and a plastic knife in inpatient so fuck them i dont care anymore , there is only one person who knew that until now and i just dont give a fuck anymore . I am ready for this post to fuck me over and i am ready to be taken away becuase if someone tries to take me somewhere ...... well i am just ready to see some blood ; )
Matt, please don't cut yourself. There are many ways to relieve stress that don't cause injury to yourself and could possibly even kill you. Try some deep breathing or go for a walk. I'm sure you could call your therapist from a neighbor's phone or a friend's phone.
It sounds like your family as a whole is going through some hard times. Don't let all this drama get to you, just relax, sometimes doing something simple such as taking a walk alone is good enough; you need the space. It's a much better alternative to cutting. As far as your aunt, have you tried talking to her about things, or other people about her?
