Okay so for the past . . oh, about 6 months I've finally reached that point where I'm like 100% okay with being gay (if you read my last post you'd know I even have an awesome boyfriend!) but as of lately, sometimes thoughts just go through my head that cast all kind of doubt. Thoughts like: "Well being gay is kinda a cool twist o being a teenager now, but it will bring enormous downfalls and inconveniences in the future" (such as when I become a psychologist in the future what if I have homophobic patients? What if there's some crazies out there who will say I'M 'insane' (for being gay) and shouldn't be aloud to counsel 'other insane' people?) "I wonder how few people aren't weirded out by seeing same-sex couples walking around?" "We're not evolutionarily engineered to be attracted to anything but the opposite gender, and anything else is a biological deviation" "Our bodies aren't mechanically designed to accommodate homosexuality" "I'll never biologically conceive a child with my lover" "Being gay is cool while we're young, but how will it be once our youth and beauty fades?" So as you can see, these are all negative ideas which aren't good to focus on, but they come crawling up into my mind. What set me off today was when my Mom asked me if I'd have been gay if being gay were a choice, and if I were given that choice. The answer? A RESOUNDING ABSOLUTE UNDENIABLE 100% CHANCE COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HELL NO HELL NO HELL NO But, you see, over the years my attitude has lightened up to the point where if I were given the choice to be gay or straight NOW, I might *reluctantly* chose to be straight. Not because of any moral dilemmas or existing family pressure, but simply because of a miriade of advantages that would come with being straight. Anyway so I answered my mom truthfully and even explained to her that I hated myself for 2 years because of which gender I thought was hot. Her response was that she thinks there's a chance I could still turn out straight (which I don't believe is true and also couldn't give a shit to find out) and now she asked me to see this X-gay counselor just once. I told her that would go against everything I've ever stood for. She said she wants me to do it just once. So I said fine, fuck. So I'm not really going to believe anything this guy says. After all, he's religiously motivated not realistically motivated. I already know all the facts, and I know that all the evidence points toward "YOU HAVE MINIMAL CHOICE IN THE MANNER" ugg.. I'm just feeling really defeated today because I just imagined how abundantly easy my life would have been thus far if I were straight. (or bi) Don't you guys ever wish you could hold hands with your lover without getting dirty looks? Don't you ever wish you could just have normal, easy sex? Does anyone feel the same as me?:help:
I felt like you did for a long time, especially when I was in my angry denial stage. But something I realized is that if we weren't whatever flavor of LGBT we all are, we would just find something else to obsess over. Instead of saying, "Things would be easier if I wasn't gay" we might say "Things would be easier if my nose wasn't so big" or "Things would be easier if I was a little taller." I'm not trying to say that what you're posting about you should just get over by any means. I mean I don't think a good majority of us would want to be gay if given the choice. But we have to make the best of the hand we're dealt. Would things be easier if you were straight? Maybe. But then you would just find another self-perceived flaw that you thought would make your life easier if it vanished. I'm sorry you were feeling really defeated, but the silver lining is that you have us to vent to. And when we say we know what you're feeling, we can actually mean it.
Ooh :/ Well, I hope the ex-gay counselor session goes well... or rather doesn't drive you insane. And yeah... I always wished I could hold hands with my partner in public. The last time I went out with someone, he'd try to hold my hand, but I often pulled away or felt very uncomfortable. I wish I wouldn't have those feelings of people watching and judging me. Then again, I wish people wouldn't watch and judge people who are homosexual.
I was just talking about this with my straight friend. I admitted if I were to choose I'd be straight because it'd be less of a burden, but I'm proud to be gay and I would be proud to show it. I really believe Phoenix's comment that we can't do anything about it so let's not dwell on it and make the best of it!
I've thought about this before and I've always come to the same conclusion: I don't think I'd have as much fun if I were straight. I think I'd be an entirely different person. Who's to say the straight version of me would be any better? I probably would have a lot less compassion for any kind of minority and I would probably be a bit more close to center, politically, instead of being a total democrat. I doubt I'd have the same friends or do the same activities. I'd have had TOTALLY different experiences in high school. I'd have a totally different taste in music. (If I wasn't gay, I probably wouldn't have listened to all this angry and gloomy music to help me process my frustration at being in the closet or any of my super-gay poppy dance music that I'm more prone to now.) Life overall would just be so different that I probably would still have chosen to be gay. Besides, my life's much more... fabulous this way.
Well, I'd like it if I were taller, smarter, better at navigating with a map, more handy with tools, able to swoon people with my beauty, control events with my mind, and fly. Along with being straight, those things aren't going to happen either. So, I could sit around moping all of the time about how I can't leap tall buildings or travel through time - or be straight - or I could accept that this is the way things are and go from there. Yes, things would be easier if we were straight - less social awkwardness, easier to have kids, easier to find a mate - but we're not. But just because we're gay doesn't mean we can't have most if not all of those things. Dwelling on this issue can really only lead to resentment - and at the end of the day, you'll still be gay. Energy spent trying to achieve the impossible means energy not available to pursue the achievable. Having attempted many futile things in my life, I think I'd rather focus my energy on attainable goals - the outcomes are universally better.
I agree. If I were straight, I would be totally different. Beacuse of the fact I'm gay, I'm much more sensitive to minorities than I think I would be if I were straight. I also think I'd be a lot socially stupider if I were straight. (I know super controversial, but I'll try to explain). In a sociology class I had taken, my instructor was lecturing about the concept of social intelligence and how minorities tend to have a much more keen sense of their environment because they "need" to know how to fit in. I think if I were straight, I would have no problem fitting in (as I'm typically super social), but, probably due to me being gay as well as other possibilities I'm sure, I often find myself observing people. I've found great interest in watching interaction of others and learning how they fit in. (Mainly, I think of all my observations, I've concluded that people don't really know anything... they just go with the flow). lol But yeah, there are so many things I don't like about being gay, but what I keep telling myself is that it's about as relevant as being left-handed. Lefties used to get killed and such, but now that's a ridiculous notion. I think "being gay" is pretty much the same, and to me it should be a thing that no one even cares about. I mean we don't start stories with "My left-handed friend is...." or "I saw a lefty today who..." you know.
Arrgh. I honestly want to punch ignorant people like your mom in the face. Be VERY careful, because some of the ex-gay counselors are extremely manipulative, particularly in the first sessions, and they will seize on any tiny bit of insecurity or lack of absolute resovlve, and amplify the slightest thing and come up with some convoluted theory about why you might be "acting gay" and a promise that it can be "fixed." And for all the reasons you've stated, you'd be a perfect candidate to buy into their crap. Keep in mind, the counselor isn't going to come on with a full frontal attack and convince you you're wrong; she or he will go in very subtlely and implant very subtle ideas that will sow seeds of doubt. Reparative therapy DOES NOT WORK. The American Psychological Association just presented the results of a study last year, in which they examined every credible study ever done on reparative therapy since 1960. Not a single one showed any meaningful indication that reparative therapy can work. The few successes that the reparative therapy people point to are generally people who weren't gay in the first place, and suffered some sort of trauma that pushed them away from opposite-sex partners. When the trauma was addressed and corrected, their natural hetero tendency came out again. But those cases are very, very rare, and it sounds like you've clearly done enough self-examination to know this isn't the case for you. The APA board voted 165 to 4 that it was clear that reparative therapy did not work, and it is not ethical to tell a person that they can change their sexual orientation. So keep in mind that you will be going to a therapist who is going against the APA's own ethical guidelines for therapists. Not exactly someone you want to entrust your mental health to. What reparative therapy does often do is really, really screw up the emotional adjustment of people who were otherwise pretty functional and happy, by introducing false doubts into their heads. Sometimes the confusion lasts for a day, sometimes for months or years. The bottom line is, you sound pretty resolute and sensible. If you are going solely to shut up your mother, that's one thing. But if you are going with even the most remote idea in the back of your head that you could change, it could be dangerous for you, because it could introduce lingering doubts, and end up confusing you when it sounds like you've already moved quite a bit toward acceptance of yourself. Just be sure what you're going into. Reparative therapists harm far, far more people than they help.
@Jeremy - actually strictly the left-handed thing isn't true. The word sinister means 'left-handed' (sinistral and dextral are other terms for left and right). I guess there's a sense in which people who say things are "so gay" or whatever are as ignorant of the meaning of the words as who people call something sinister. As for whether I'd be gay if I could choose, I'd probably be bi, and have the best of both worlds, but maybe that's just being greedy. As for this ex-gay nonsense, I can see the temptation from the angle of appeasing your mother, but do be incredibly careful if you go down this route. It's somewhat akin to a full frontal-lobotomy; a completely unpleasant procedure which does more bad than good, to the extent that any NHS practitioner in the UK who offers it to patients is liable to be struck off, and in the past they have (there was a case quite recently which was all tied up with my local MP - if you're curious try looking "Iris Robinson" up on Wikipedia). Otherwise, I for one don't have a problem with a same-sex couple. Granted in the part of the world I come from I'm not sure I've ever seen one, but I had my first experience when I was on holiday in Glasgow (a much bigger city), and welled up with this warm feeling inside (can't be sure whether it was jealousy or affection - it was before I was out, and I had a tendency to be jealous of people who were). I guess those are all reasonable questions, but I'm sure you really do know the answers, you don't need somebody to tell you. I still have difficulty adapting to the mindset of being gay - of thnking I won't marry a woman, and going against all of the preprogrammed social norms.
I must say, the hardest moment for me (as far as “accepting being gay” goes) did come only after I thought I was OK with it, and already came out to my friends. More precisely, after being introduced to a girl by a friend of mine (who I hadn’t come out to yet). Basically, she was exactly the girl I would have been looking for if I were straight (so my friend did have the right instincts there :lol. She was a tad geeky, interested in science, had similar tastes in books, movies and videogames, liked to travel etc… And she immediately seemed to crush on me. At that moment, I must say I felt really horrible for two reasons. One was that I only noticed she crushed on me when she was already pushing to go on a date. So I unwittingly had been leading her on. But the other was that I realized, that, if I wanted to, I could have an easy straight life, not have any problems with coming out or finding a boyfriend etc… All at the "small" cost of crawling back into the closet, lying, and trying to not look at guys too much. I'd have to force myself not to think certain thoughts. But an easy, acceptable straight life did seem horribly appealing. No questions from others, easier if I wanted kids, would make the family happy etc… In the end, I did the right thing, let her know I was gay (she took it well, though with a lot of disappointment), and closed the door on that episode. It would be easy, yes. But it would be a lie, not only to myself, but also to this girl. And I might even have been able to believe in it myself, for some time. But if I ever met a guy who was available and interested, it would have come down like a house of cards. I only count myself lucky that this hadn't happened one year earlier, before I started coming out and could post about it here, because I'm pretty sure I'd have been dating her otherwise... Being unrepentantly gay is the harder road, but in the end it’s worth it. Real happiness on your own terms trumps conforming to norms. And society is changing. In the town where I live, same-sex couples walking hand in hand barely raises an eyebrow anymore. And that attitude is expanding. Maybe not yet to Winnipeg, but it will be there pretty soon. Like Chip said, be extremely careful with this therapist. The danger is not having to resist someone who's being mean. the danger is needing to resist someone adept in the ways of undermining people's self-confidence. He won't attack you on being gay. He might even claim not having anything against gays. (even confess to having been gay himself)). And then he'll try to convince you that a straight life is just so much easier, and that you just have to give him a shot at really helping you. He might be a friendly guy, he might even be totally sincere in his motivation. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions...
@starbucks Your advice is super good, and emaculately worded, thanks so much. It's also applicable to much more than this specific situation @chip Thank you for the thorough reply and really good advice (and thansk for not being afraid to tell me what's what). I've decided not to talk to this man, especially after you've reminded me of what I already know: it's been scientifically proven that gay ---> straight conversions are more of an improbable phenomenon than homosexuality itself.
I'm gonna take apart your post if you don't mind me doing so. Unless you're extremely flamboyant, you being gay is no business of your patients. It's simple, more and more people are becoming tolerant as our age groups are starting to "take over". The previous generations that would...generally discriminate are starting to die out or having a change of heart. ( I may have read the above statement in the wrong way, so if I did, sorry about that.) Where does this come from? We still don't know what causes attraction aside from pheromones. And there is nothing that truthfully states that heterosexual attraction is any more evolutionarily engineered as homosexual attraction. If you're talking about anal sex for example, heterosexuals do it too, I believe just as often as homos do it. Plus men were born with a prostate that causes it to be pleasurable for us, so yeah, I'd say our bodies were designed for hetero or homo love. As for females...well I'm not a female so I'll let a female homosexual cover this part. Surrogacy, artificial insemination, test tube babies even. Whether you like it or not, we can technically conceive a child with our lovers. And you're saying "I'll never biologically conceive a child" can apply to infertile couples or elderly couples too. It's not just us. Coolness is in the eye of the beholder Okay, you need to go to your mom and tell her you're not seeing an Ex-Gay counselor. It does not work (and you say you know this), and a majority of times is just a scam. Do you know how it works? They pressure you, and eventually you either cave and give up thousands of dollars to them to "help" you, or you go home and it was still a waste. Tell your Mom it doesn't work, you won't be going there, and end of discussion. Even allowing yourself to go there is pretty clear that you are hurting right now and confused. It's fine if maybe you actually are bisexual, but read these words: Ex-Gay Therapy Does Not Work and Bi or Gay, you will not be straight because that is not how you were born. We've all gone through this. Do you know how many times I wish I could just date my best friend because my mother and father basically have said time and time again how much they love her, that she's become a part of the family, and that it would be a shame if I missed my chance? About fifty million. But while you're one up on me about having told your parents, the fact is I am still happy being gay and will never do what my parents ask because I am not attracted to my best friend that way and even choosing that route would leave me miserable. We all do as I said above. There is not ONE gay person on this site who can truthfully say they haven't. But we all go through this part in our lives where we wish we could be something we're not. You're 16 and still young so it's natural to think these things but it will get easier as time goes on. All I can say is let time carry you through. But one thing I ask is again, tell your mother you're not going to an Ex-Gay therapist because it's just a complete waste of time.
