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Will I EVER Get the Courage to Tell them Again?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Revan, Aug 5, 2010.

  1. Revan

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    I tried coming out to my parents five years ago, of course I had just recently come out to myself at the time so it was harder to defend myself, but it didn't go as planned. I wrote a letter to them and they confronted me about it. When paving the driveway an hour later my mom asked me if I could see myself kissing a boy and I told her "I don't know". She began to almost cry and told me she couldn't have me in the house ruining her reputation in the city as the gay son and told me she'd take me wherever just as long as it was out of the house. I packed my bags and thought I was about to leave but she stopped me as she was talking to her parents (my grandparents). I stayed but had to talk to my aunt who asked me questions like what do you get an erection to a boy or a girl and such, and I answered the opposite of what I wanted to. Eventually the day ended with me telling her I wanted the toned body structure of a guy not to actually be with guys. I'm sure she still realizes I'm gay but just can't confront me about it. She will make references to the gay thing but never actually ask if I'm gay. But I'm pretty sure that if she thought I wasn't gay she wouldn't still be talking about the topic. I know that I'm not going to be truly happy until I come out. My second relationship with a guy actually ended with me breaking up with him because I was going through a depression that I think partially came from my constant lying to my parents about where I was going. (Of course I eventually also didn't really feel that special feeling with him, it was more just kissing but no passion from me.) I've had three more boyfriends since the second one since I got to university so it's a lot easier since I'm not always at home.

    My family (excluding my parents who are still completely in denial, and my grandparents who are just really old now so no point in telling them) all accept me. Brothers, Sisters, Aunts, Uncles don't really know but I don't really care if they do or not (not really super close to the uncles nor do i see them like ever), and my aunt has even said she'll help me tell my mom again because she believes Gramps himself wouldn't like that Mom treated me that way about my being gay. He always said it doesn't matter who the child is, the child is still the parent's child.

    Do you think I'll ever be able to tell them? Do you have any advice? I just feel like every time I want to say it, I just can't. What's more I mean I can even mouth "I'm gay" when I'm in the car to the back of their chairs...but I just can never say it in real life....and it's just so frustrating because the longer I keep it...the more it could hurt...and what's more is I have SUCH a huge relationship with my mother....I know I'm going to be so hurt when it happens because our friendship won't be the same for so long and I just don't know if I can even handle that....
     
  2. malachite

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    you'll do it when your ready.
     
  3. fringelunatic

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    Your position is unfortunate, but quite understandable. So, I guess I should give you one of these: (*hug*) :slight_smile: . Next, as malachite says, you'll be able to do it when you're ready, but that's hardly a terribly comforting piece of advice I guess.
    First off, I think it's probably quite a good thing that you can't bring yourself to tell them in the car; probably not the wisest place to do it, especially if your parents over-react.
    Second, it's always going to be difficult to tell them; they're your parents, so they're an important part of your life, but if you want to tell them you're just going to have to bite the bullet and tell them - it sounds like your aunt is likely to be supportive, so it might be worth talking to her.
     
  4. Revan

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    She wants to help but i feel like her and her son, my cousin, are almost pushing me and I'm just like not exactly happy they're pushing me but at the same time I know they just really want me to be happy. Plus I've been lying five years now and I just absolutely hate it...but at the same time, I just don't want to lose what her and I have. I don't want her looking at me differently >_< It's just so hard.
     
  5. Jeremy

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    I guess ultimately it's a choice you'll have to make. Whatever you choose is going to have its beneficial and detrimental factors, so maybe you can start by analyzing them. If you decide that you're sure you want them to know, then maybe you can wait for a time that they're available and letting them know that there's something important to you that you would like to discuss with them. It's going to be quite a significant conversation from the sounds of it. Also, if you're too worried, bring someone to help you and support you. Your aunt sounds nice; maybe you can come out with her in the room or something.

    Just keep your spirits high (I know it's easier said than done), and know that you always have support here. :grin:
     
  6. Revan

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    Thanks. I better make sure that you know...they know, I told them five years ago, but I went back in the closet...so here I am but I know I won't be happy really until I tell them...but at the same time it will make me unhappy.
     
  7. Filip

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    I think that coming out to them will ultimately be worth it. The first time sounds like it was pretty traumatic. And that it makes it harder to come out again.

    But you've grown in the meantime. the bond with the rest of your family has grown. And even if your mom never directly confronts you, I'm sure the idea never went away and she had some thinking of her own. At worst, she might still not really accept it, but at least she has had the chance to get over the panic and disorientation she felt at first.

    If you have a hard time telling them, doing a letter again might be a good idea. Be sure to point out that you never really stopped being gay, that you've come out to literally everyone else since then, and that they were all OK with it. That you don't want the relationship to suffer, but that you feel it can only become better by being open and honest. and that they're allowed to talk to aunts, brothers and sisters about it if they don't like immediately talking to you.

    And be prepared for them throwing up all kinds of objections. But this time you have the answers:
    Everyone else knows and accepts. After a few boyfriends, you're pretty sure about your feelings. You've always known. And no, there really is no chance of you being straight after all, but you're perfectly happy the way you are.

    It might be a bit awkward at first, and short-term, you might not feel as close as you were before. But in the end, being honest and not being fearful of what might happen will make you happier. And they will come along like everyone else did, once they see they're the only ones making a fuss of it.