My Story

So, I’ve been here a few weeks now, I thought I’d share my experience. I’m not really asking any questions as such, I’d just like to write things down, it makes things clearer for me at least.

Sexuality has been a huge struggle for me growing up, and still is, although I feel that things are improving and I’m starting to accept things more and more. But I’m not quite there yet.

When I hit 12 or 13 I started to realise that I was different. While my peers were starting to express their interest in the opposite sex, I couldn’t relate because I wasn’t feeling anything. This caused a lot of confusion and frustration for me but I just ignored it really. I thought that, in time, things would just work out. It didn’t cross my mind at all that I was anything other than straight. But it still plagued my mind. Why wasn’t I normal? Why couldn’t I feel anything for girls? I was always quite a shy, nervous kid too, especially around people I didn’t know too well, or didn’t know how to hold a conversation with. Therefore I was particularly shy around girls because at that age, I couldn’t really talk to them about anything, and so most company was spent with boys. I convinced myself that it was shyness that was my problem.

Then, when I was maybe 15 (can’t quite remember) I happened to be reading a newspaper that had an article about something called asexuality. I’d never heard about this before and it suddenly clicked with me. That explained everything! I wasn’t sexually attracted to girls, therefore I was asexual. It felt good to have some answers at last, even though something still didn’t feel right. The fact that I still had a sex drive was irrelevant, I told myself.

Finally, when I reached 16/17, the thought came to mind: “Am I gay?” I was horrified. I couldn’t be gay. I didn’t feel gay. That’s because I wasn’t gay I told myself. Its amazing how long I’d went blocking out any feelings I’d had in my mind beforehand (the mind is a strange thing) and also how reluctant I was to face up to the fact that I was sexually attracted to the male body. So, that denial stage went on for a while before I gradually - after much analysing in my head, researching on the computer etc - started to open my mind. Yes, it was undeniable that my sexual attraction was towards guys and not girls. Accepting that fact was a totally different matter. I still spent a lot of time repressing it, certainly hiding it and occasionally still denying it (to myself). The thought of anyone finding out about me was out of the question. I was terrified of what people would think.

So here I am, 21 and still not out, and still not completely comfortable with my sexuality. Why? I don’t know really, I’ve never been in a relationship with a guy so it still feels a bit strange to me. I still find myself doubting that I’m gay, even though there’s no doubt about what gender I feel sexually attracted to. I’ve still found myself feeling a sort of emotional attachment to certain girls and thinking it would be romantic to be with them (even though I don’t feel sexually attracted to them at all!). There’s days when I feel completely comfortable with myself and almost feel ready to tell people, and then other days I don’t. I’m still unsure of what people will say when they find out. It’ll come as a huge shock to people because I’m not anything like the stereotype (and I think a lot of people are under the impression that you have to be camp etc to be gay). There’s still some people that I know that say homophobic things, and it crushes me inside because I otherwise like them and know that if I told them they’d probably reject me.

However, I now feel ready to live life, I’m sick of pretending that I’m something I’m not, and feeling guilty about something that I shouldn’t feel guilty about. There’s no doubt that I never chose my sexuality, and that there’s nothing wrong with it. Love is love, whoever it’s between. I just wish I could finally be at peace with myself, but I am getting there I think. I’m hoping that, by this time next year, I feel completely at ease with my sexuality and ready to be open with the world about it, no matter how people react. That’s why I joined EC, I hope this place will help, in fact since I joined, it already has.

Sorry for the long post. And thanks if you actually read all of that lol.

 

Thanks very much for the reply. I guess it does scare me a bit, in terms of the reaction I'd get off of people. Change is a scary thing, and even though I don't particularly like the status quo, I guess I've been afraid that by changing things I might be in a worse position somehow. However, I am a lot closer to telling someone now than I was in the past. I almost did at the end of last year, and I kinda regret that I didn't. It was a perfect opportunity, and the guy I know is open minded, and he was questioning me about it yet I just couldn't say it. That was the first time though that I'd ever discussed my sexuality with soemone, and it felt good to talk about it.

I know that a lot of people will accept it, because they've known me a long time and will surely realise that I'm just the same person. There's always a slight doubt though in the back of my mind, and I fear people will reject me for it, so I always hold back. But I've kind of reached the point where I know that their reaction is out of my control. If people want to be prejudiced then that's their problem. I know I've not done anything wrong.

And ofcourse, when no one is looking, it's guys I enjoy :lol: Nothing changes that, and I have accepted that. I think I overthink things and its time for me to completely accept myself. But I have came a long way, probably took me a lot longer than most, but I'm at the point where things are becoming clearer, and I'm ready to just get on with, and enjoy, life.

Thanks again

 

Thanks very much for the reply

About the not "feeling gay" thing, I should point out that this isn't my viewpoint now. That was when I was 18 or something when I reached the conclusion that I was gay. Yeah I didn't "feel gay" then, I think I was still thinking of the stereotype and not being able to relate to it in any way. I was ignorant. Time has taught me that the stereotype is just that, a stereotype, just like them all. I didn't/don't need to be anything like that to be gay, and I know that for sure now. And oh God no, I don't want Lady Gaga anywhere near my iPod :lol:

I think you do have a point however, I've always felt slightly ashamed, or embarrassed, about my sexuality. I am getting better though, but I really need to embrace it rather than......I don't know, keep shuffling it under the carpet I guess. So I shall gladly take you up on that suggestion, sounds like fun anyway :lol:

Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it. I am getting there, I'll be sure to post now and again and let you know how I'm getting on, if anything it helps me when I write things down, and who knows it might help someone else too. Thanks :icon_bigg