So this will probably be a long post. I would be greatful for advice, although I think I just need to say these feelings more then anything. I'm messed up. I'm sure that's pretty obvious by all my posts here. I had finally started talking to someone about my depression a little over a month ago. I had talked to my sisters boyfriend. A couple weeks later, they broke up and he moved out. After he moved out, he would text me every few days and ask how I felt and just if I was ok. That was a few weeks ago. Now though, we don't talk unless I text him first. I'm mad/sad because I told him that eventually he would stop caring about what happened to me, but he disagreed. I feel like this proves that I was right. I don't expect him to be there for me 100% of the time(that would be crazy), but I just think it would be nice if he would atleast bother to see how I'm doing every once in awhile. I mean I told him all about how close I was(/am?) to suicide and he seemed to really care. And now it's just like he completely forgot. And it's not just him. My whole family knows that I've been going through a lot too, but lately it's like nobody really cares anymore. I mean, I put myself in a mental hospital because my bad thoughts were getting to me. Shouldn't that be a huge fucking neon sign to my family that I need help?? Yes, I'm in therapy, but I wouldn't mind a "how are you?" every once in awhile from the people that I love. I think I just feel alone. For awhile there it felt like alot of the people around me were there for me, but now that I'm not showing my pain anymore, we disbanded and went back to our normal lives. Part of me just wants to kill myself in order to show everyone how much they've ignored me. I want them to feel the pain that I have. I want them to pay for their actions, or rather the actions they didn't make. Another part of me thinks that I'm just full of myself. Maybe I really am a bad person. Maybe the world would be better off without me. Maybe I'm just an attention whore who needs a life. Is asking for love really that bad? Isn't it sad that I've told my sisters ex-boyfriend "I love you" more times then I've told my sister? I've only told my sister once in my entire life that I love her, and that was because my dad died and I was really emotional at the time. Deep down I want someone to take care of me. I can't take care of myself. My whole life I've taken care of everyone around me, so why can't they take care of me for a change? I've never once complained about all the work I've done for everyone else, and now they wanna bitch and whine because I finally ask for support and help. I'm just so confused. My family's been my entire life for so long, and now I'm alone and I've gotta figure myself out. I'm scared.
I have a similar situation as far as the always helping others and never having them return the favor. My brother and I are not treated the same way. They show him more respect, they care about what's going on in his life much more than they do mine. I am always there for them, I fix all of their computers and I talk to them a lot more than my brother does. he does nothing for this family and fucks everything up and doesnt exactly have his life plan figured out. Sometimes it seems no matter how many times you tell them, they say they'll be different and that they'll listen and try to be better. It never happens. Have you tried telling the people you care about that you need them? They know you're going through a hard time, but some people won't give help until asked. And some people don't want to discuss their problems. I think the problem you're facing is a lack of communication with the people you want help from. They may know your pain and that you're having a hard time, but they dont know that you need them. However you can't expect your sisters ex-boyfriend to always be there for you, that's not fair to him. He needs time to move on from your sister and get on with his life, and he can't do that while you need him. It might be time to seek out professional help. You can usually get a little of that from your school for free. And for the record, I dont think you're messed up. Everyone has problems, everyone needs to talk sometimes. We all have problems, and this site is here to talk about them. It's here to help you be comfortable with yourself and happy with who you are. We're all here for you, even if we're not there in person!
Well, I can kind of understand this guy drifting away. After all, his main connection with you was via his girlfriend...who is now his EX-girlfriend. Whose house he moved out of. That's his own crap to deal with, and it's tough to move on from it when the ex's brother is maintaining contact. It's cool of him to keep contacting you for awhile, and that he (apparently) will still respond to you when you contact him. But it's not surprising that he's not overly enthusiastic about maintaining contact with somebody with that much baggage attached. (Meaning your sister, not your issues.) And I do understand where you're coming from. But give some thought to something for a minute. A good relationship - not a sexual one or a kissy-lovey one, necessarily, but all of them - is symbiotic. We help and better each other. When I hang out with one of my friends, for instance, we both have a good time. Better than we would have on our own. So we both come away from that experience better than we would've. But not all relationships are symbiotic. Some are more parasitic. Where one person does all the giving, and the other does all the taking. And perhaps your relationship with your family is like that. I don't know the entire backstory, but judging solely from your post, perhaps it is. You say you've always been the giver. In which case, that's the role they've grown to see you in. You give them...well, whatever it is you give them - support, encouragement, lawn care, killer lasagna, clean bathrooms. And that's the role they've decided you are. We have a only-semi-joking saying at my work - "Once is a favor, but twice is a job description." In short, if I help you out with a project once, I'm doing you a favor...and you're likely to be thankful for it, and to say so. But if I help you out twice, three times, ten times, then it's just part of my job...and you're a lot less likely to be thankful for it. You stop thinking "Lex was really cool to handle all the filing for this project", and instead think "Part of Lex's job is to do the filing when I do this." And as such, you're less likely to think you "owe me" when I need a favor. Strange, but there it is. So what can you do about your family? Not too much without their assent. You might try talking to them. Directly. Specifically pointing out your concerns. "I feel I've been giving a lot to this family, but recently, I've been going through a world of hurt, and I don't see much indication that that bothers you." It may be that they DO care, but are simply unable to find a way to show that. Many families feel uncomfortable dealing with "feelings", and so never say "I love you" or bother showing that they care. It's a weird dynamic, but that's how they play. You might also suggest family therapy, but they'd have to agree to go. My main suggestion is to stop tapping a dry well. I don't think your family is worthless by any stretch, but they're apparently worthless as a source of feel-good-ness. Again, not that they don't care, but they simply aren't a source of SHOWING they care. Just as you shouldn't come to me for fashion advice, you shouldn't go to them hoping to get some warm fuzzies. You'll simply get disappointed. Which simply begs the question - where DO you go to get warm fuzzies? Well, we can provide small, rather impersonal ones here. But I'd say you need to work on finding a better source. And I think you need to get yourself into a better spot before you really start your search. (And yes, you CAN find some. And you WILL. You bonding with your sister's ex wasn't a fluke.) You mentioned checking yourself into the hospital, but you haven't mentioned if you're still seeing a therapist. And if you're not, start. Right away. And no, your therapist won't be your warm fuzzy dispenser. Your goal is to work with your therapist so you can get yourself into some better, more symbiotic relationships, so you'll have a more reliable source for your warm fuzzies. If you're already seeing a therapist, print out your first post and hand it to him/her. I think you've defined the problem pretty well. Now you can work on making it better. Lex
I agree that I'm a reminder of my sister and all of their baggage, but I hate it when I see that they don't exactly seperate from each other. Like if their not gonna let go of their baggage, why should I(a reminder of their baggage) be screwed anyways. For example, after the break up, there's been a few times where he's come over and ate dinner with my sister or that she's gone to his house. They use their kids as an obvious excuse to be together without stating that they're together. It's not just me that see's this, it's everyone else too. And I hope I'm not coming off as a selfish person whos saying that he should be there for me all the time. I agree, he shouldn't. But I think that I'm more mad/sad because he tried to make me believe that he would be there for me whenever I needed it. And this was when their break up was already being considered by them. I think I'll let this relationship with him fade away, because I think that's what he wants. I wouldn't wanna hold him back. As for my family, well my sister(the one with the ex-bf) and I talked last night till 4 in the morning. She told me that everyone is here for me, but I have to reach out if I want support. It makes sense, but I can't help but feel like I'm being selfish whenever I try to reach out. For example, after the talk I felt good for awhile, but then I started telling myself that it was wrong of me to bug her and that I shouldn't have done it. I just hate feeling like no one can really help me, because I have to be the one to let myself get better. Sure, they can support me sometimes, but that's it. I want someone to fix me. I don't want to do it because I don't know how and I don't want to know how. I know that's selfish(how ironic) and irrational, but I still feel this way. Part of me wants to stay broken like this until I kill myself. It's comfortable and almost feels good. Idk. I'm so confused. There's just so many things that I need to learn to let go and/or accept.
Hi there! Let me start by saying this: I want you to get off that path of having these thoughts. Wanting to stay broken and even just thinking about wanting to kill yourself is not the path you want to be on. Get off that path, now. Talk to a counselor. Talk to your sister. You have done some great things in the past, remind yourself about them. You have started talking about things. You have started writing them out. That's an important step. Keep doing that. That is the path you want to be on. Talk, and accept the help of others. Doing that will get you to the point where you will start feeling better about things. As hard as it might be, I think letting go of that friendship with him, could help you to move on (as it were) from that and also perhaps motivate you to make some new friends. Lex mentioned something important. We all need symbiotic relationships and I think that perhaps your sister's boyfriend gave you something that others didn't, or at least you didn't feel that you were getting something in return. I mean, if you are the giver all the time, and it doesn't matter what kind of a relationship it is, there will come a point where you will get angry and say 'enough is enough.' But before that happens, take your sister's 'offer' and advice. Reach out. Bug her. Only when you do that, you will create a symbiotic relationship and also a stronger one with your sister. There is nothing wrong with going to her and asking her to listen or even just saying 'hey got a minute? I need to talk about something' or 'I need advice or support.' It isn't wrong asking for help. If you ask for help, only then will people, such as your sister, your mom or your friends be able to help you. Yes, they can really help you, but you have to be willing to permit yourself to receive that help. Only when you allow others to help you will you be able to benefit from that help (and it doesn't matter in what form that help comes in, whether it be just listening, giving you moral and emotional support, or providing you with advice/suggestions, etc...). From what you have mentioned in terms of 'wanting to be fixed', it sounds like that you do want to get and receive help. So take that as a starting point, and as a motivating factor in asking for help. Yes, asking for help, as it involved admitting to and talking about difficult stuff, can be hard, but if you do it once or twice it will get easier and you give yourself the permission to receive the help that you are looking for and need. Once you allow yourself to receive the help that others are offering you, you will be able to start learning things and also be able to accept things. It will happen. Allow others to help you and don't be afraid of asking for help. Asking for help is the first step in the right direction. Go and ask your sister for help. She has reached out to you. Now it is your turn to reach out to her. (*hug*)
Well I deleted my sis-ex's number from my phone's contacts. Idk if that's overboard or not, but having it in my phone always makes me tempted to text him. I couldn't help but cry afterwards. I'm sure that sounds really stupid to everyone but the friendship that we had was important to me. Something that I haven't really talked about on here(or atleast I don't think I have) is my friends death. He was my mom's boyfriend's son. So sort of a step-brother. I was a bit close to him and he was very deep into depression. He would cry and cry about his problems to me, and I would listen. Well eventually I couldn't take it anymore and stopped listening. Idk if that makes me a bad person or not, but he didn't really want help. I told him many times that he should go to therapy, but he didn't want to. Well he tried to commit suicide by taking a bunch of pills. Only I knew about this. It didn't work, and all that happened was that he got sick. I know now that I should've gone to his dad and told him, but at the time I was sort of freaked out by the whole thing. A couple months go by and he ends up killing himself by standing in front of a moving train. Now I know this part is gonna make me sounds like a bad person, but I'm not sure if I care that he's gone. Before he killed himself, there was alot of drama and something happened that completely changed my perspective of him. He did some stuff that's just messed up on a really really high level. I don't wanna say what it is, but I honestly don't think I would've ever forgiven him. Although, in the end I did try to talk him out of killing himself, for his family's sake. The reason I'm talking about him, is because I think that's what's triggering my suicidal thoughts. Because I see how life goes on for all of his family now that he's gone, then it almost reassures me that my family would be ok if I killed myself. I'm sure there would be grief, but time continues and people move on. It scares me that I'm almost mimicking all of my step-brothers actions. I mean, even little things, I'm doing the same. It's scary. I do see one big key difference though, and that's the fact that I want help on a bigger level then he did. Like I'm going to counciling, and that's something that he never wanted to do. Also, please please please don't judge me based on the fact that I don't care much about his death. If you knew what he did, I think you'd understand.
