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now what?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Danny19, Aug 7, 2010.

  1. Danny19

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    So My mom and me were having dinner at the house. We were talking and then "gay" topic came up. She said that my sister's husband told her that some of his friends kept asking if I was gay, and he said no that im just spoiled. Since im not out at all, my mom said that she has never seen me act gay at all, and that its usually noticeable when their kids. I have cousin who is gay and she says that since he was 5 he liked barbies and all the girl stuff. And I thought it was funny how she mentioned this because just today i had a flashback to when i was 5/6 and my sister asked me if i like boys or girls and i said girls, wait no both!. Anyways She kept talking about that and as a joke said if you are gay tell me dont go into depression and then go off and commit suicide and then she giggled. I just gave her a fake giggle.
    Then she said honestly I wouldnt be like does parents that kick out their kids for being gay, or anything like that. She said that if any of her children would come out like that then she would be okay with it. I looked at her and I felt like I was about to come out when she said "the thing is, people talk. They are very judgemental. they talk about fat people, imagine gay people. that wouldnt be good. and just because they can get married wont change anything" Since i was eating i felt like i was choking of my food. I felt kinda sad to hear that. She made feel that she would pretty much be embarressed if i was Gay.
    She said 2 things as a joke, when i actually am that way. I felt that she wouldnt be happy anymore. for the rest of our dinner i had a hard time eating. I wasnt even hungry anymore. all i could think about is that the person who I thought would be the most supportive and that they wouldnt cared just let me down big time. I just wanted it to be over, I felt so awkward.

    so now, i honestly dont know what to do. I thought i would be coming out any time soon, but i was wrong. I just feel so upset and disappointed. I need to talk to somebody! :icon_sad:

    Sorry if I get off topic or if its a little confusing..
     
  2. Lexington

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    I think you're misreading something. Your mother did NOT say she would be embarrassed if you were gay, and as far as I'm concerned, she did NOT let you down.

    What she said was "People talk, and can be very judgmental." Which is definitely true - they CAN be. Your mother didn't express a silent wish that you be straight for HER sake - she did so for YOURS. Like most parents, she wants her children's path through life to be as smooth as possible. And so she was hoping you'd be straight not because it'd be mortifying to her if you weren't, but because (she thinks) it would make things more difficult for you. It was perhaps not an ideal thing to say, but I do believe there were good intentions behind it. She in fact said outright that she WOULD be supportive if you were gay.

    What she said was right as far as it goes. People DO talk. Hell, I'm gay AND fat, and so I'm sure there's plenty of smack talk sent my way. But here's the thing - I don't care. I care so little that I don't even know if it's happening, and who's sending it if it is. I'm busy living my own kick-ass life, and I don't have the time or inclination to give an airborne rodent's posterior what some random moron thinks. "Talk" doesn't have to hold you back one bit.

    Do mull over what your mother said some more. I think what she said was extremely encouraging, and I DO think she'll definitely be in your corner when you're ready. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. Danny19

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    You know what you are right. I guess I took it wrong because I need an excuse to not come out. I dont know. Everytime that subject is touched she says she will be very supportive. I mean I am still me, I just like guys. My mom does say im a good son.

    I get talked about a lot too, i feel when people talk about me. And I honestly dont care. My mom gets upset when people call me fat, I think thats what she was talking about.

    Hey thanks for the advice Lex.
     
  4. Mirko

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    Hi there!

    Even though she said a few things that made you feel upset and unsure as to how to go about in coming out to her, your mum did say a few important things that I think outweigh some of the other comments and jokes she made.

    Even though she might have giggled, it still could be and is in some ways an indication that she would rather prefer you tell her. Sometimes, people giggle when they get nervous talking about certain subjects. Going by some of the other things she mentioned, it seems that your mum might not be as comfortable (yet) talking about the possibility that her son might be gay. For a lot of parents this is not an easy subject to talk about because it means for them having to adjust to other possibilities and ideas to what the life of their son or daughter will look like. All parents have a certain idea or have dreams about their children's future. Your mum is no different. That might very well be a part of her nervousness when talking about it.

    Although I am out to my parents, and they are supportive, I know that for my mom it is a bit difficult or awkward to talk about it. So I just let them approach me with it, in their own time. It is something for parents to get used to and over time they will.

    From that statement alone, you know that your mum would be accepting and supportive. That statement should give you reassurance above anything else.

    You know your mum best, but I kinda doubt that your mum would be embarrassed if you are gay, given the other things that she did mention. I think it speaks more to her worries as to how you could be treated or perceived by others. Your mom does care about you and is a caring person. Parents do worry about their child or children even if they don't say something or are up front about it. That said, when you do come out to her, you can help her in easing these worries by building a strong support network and surrounding yourself with people and/or friends who do accept you. Letting her know that you are accepted for who you are and have support will undoubtedly help her in realizing that there is nothing to worry about.

    Maybe it will take a bit of time (if any) for her to get used to it and totally comfortable with knowing that you are gay, and it will perhaps also take a bit of time for her to lay her fears to rest, but if you look at the what she has said to you you pretty much know that she would be okay with having a guy son.

    Hope this helps a bit! (*hug*)
     
    #4 Mirko, Aug 7, 2010
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2010
  5. Danny19

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    Okay. I totally get you, and you are also right.
    So i guess i will tell her, not now, but in the future.
    right now, I just wish she knew how i felt in general, i just dont have the courage to tell her yet.

    wow this site has really helped me. I love it here. It makes me feel better sometimes.
     
  6. Mirko

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    Glad EC is helping you! :slight_smile:

    And you know what? That's totally fine! :slight_smile:

    There is no rush in coming out to your mum. In the interim what you could do is perhaps try coming out to a friend or a couple of friends. Try to build up your support network, which can consist of friends, teachers, counselors, LGBT youth support groups and/or social groups, etc... If you can, maybe join a LGBT teen/youth support group in your area.

    Doing all of that, will not only help you in building up your support network, but it will also allow you to build up the courage and get ready to come out to your mum. It will also give you the ability to mention to your mum that you have found support and acceptance and that there is really nothing for her to worry about.

    The more often you come out to others, the more comfortable you will also feel with yourself and talking about it.

    There will a day come where you will be able to share it with her. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Danny19

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    hey thats good advice. But I dont have the courage to come out to my friends either.. I dont know why. I love my friends and i know they will be supportive. One of my closest friends has asked me if i was gay, but i denied it. I really want to tell them, but something in me just doesnt want to.. :frowning2:
     
  8. Mirko

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    Hi there! That's okay! Sometimes it takes a while for us to be really comfortable in being able to talk about with someone. Overtime, you will built up the courage to be able to come out though. Don't worry about having denied it. It a normal response and your friend (once you do come out to him/her) will understand.

    Often it comes down to being absolutely sure in our own mind that this is the right time for us and that yes, our friends or the person(s) to whom we want to come out to will be supportive and accepting. Sometimes we need several reassuring words and sentences from our friends or family members before we can take that step.

    You already know that your friends will be supportive. That's good! Keep reminding yourself of that. The more you do that, the more at ease you might become with the thought of letting your friends know. One thing you could do is stand in front of the mirror and while you are looking at yourself, say out loud: 'I'm gay, and I want to come out to my closets friend." Take note of how you feel and leave it at that for now. A few days or a week later try it again, and see if there is a change in how you feel. One you get to the point where you feel comfortable, I'd say you're ready to give it a try in coming out to a friend.

    Once you are ready, pick your closest friend. Get together with him/her and give it a try. Now, even though it might not happen, that's totally okay too.

    Try to take it one friend at a time. Often times it is a lot easier coming out to one friend rather than to a group of friends. Coming out to one friend at a time makes it easier because you have more control over the conversation, and you know that you have your friend's full attention.

    So, what to do? Start working on getting ready to come out to your closest friend. Make that your goal, which might also give you a bit of motivation and encouragement. It will happen when you feel ready and the time is right. (*hug*)
     
  9. Danny19

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    mmm. Again, you are right. Thanks. Your advice has been helpful. and i wiill try to practice coming out. Ive been wanting to tell my friend for a long time, but i just cant manage to tell her. Hopefully i will man up and tell her in a few months.. years.. who knows.