re-closeted in a way

Hey there,

Well, they might not be doing it deliberately... they might be afraid of saying something wrong or hurtful. Or they might be trying to ignore it because they're not quite sure how to deal with it. Or they might think that you don't want to talk about it and are waiting to follow your lead.

I know it sucks but basically in a lot of ways once you come out to your parents, there's this kind of role reversal where you're usually the one who knows more and is more aware of how to handle the situation than they are. I would advise just bringing gay stuff up that you would normally be able to bring up if it were straight stuff. For instance:

"What did you do last weekend?"

"Oh I went to this party and I met a really cute guy."

That totally something that straight people wouldn't think twice about telling their parents and really, we shouldn't have to think twice about it either. Just talk about stuff about your life--it will probably be awkward at first but that basically just the unfamiliarity.

You might also want to mention to them, explicitly, that you are fine about them asking you questions and talking about it and that, ha ha, if it never really gets mentioned, it defeats the whole purpose of you telling them in the first place. The trick here is not to accuse them of keeping things quiet but rather to let them know that things don't have to be quiet and that you'd rather they not be quiet. Whenever you deal with people about touchy subjects, you don't want to start by putting them on the defensive. So even if they've deliberated shut down discussion about stuff, you do that whole gracious ingoring thing and just plough on as if everything is dandy but you'd just like a little bit more of this. Or that. Or whatever it is you want changed.

I wish I could tell you that the process of coming out was just simply telling people once and that was it but really, it's an ongoing kinda thing, especially at first. Societally, the topic is still taboo, and the only way taboos get broken is by someone deliberately working at it. So your best course of action, in my view, is to chip away at the silence by bringing stuff up when appropriate. And when I say "appropriate," I don't mean perfectly appropriate where you never make any kind of faux pas. It's not a flawless process and no one should expect you to get it right 100% of the time. You have to give your parents some room for error and, conversely, they have to give you some.

But in the end, it's kinda like dating: yes, you can wait around for someone else to do the work and for someone great to fall into your lap without you having to lift a finger but it generally works a lot better if you take an active role in the proceedings because at the end of the day, no one else is likely to do it for you. And the sucky part in the beginning with coming out is that you do have to do all the education-y type of work but gradually that does begin to change.

Hope that helps!

 

I'm in the exact same situation. Told my parents about 8 months ago, and havent mentioned it since. I like the idea of naturally saying stuff that straight kids could naturally say, but I feel weird saying stuff like that without finding a guy that could become a boyfriend. I guess i better get over that, cause it doesnt seem like I'll find a boyfriend anytime soon.

 

Yeah, I think a lot of people think having a boyfriend makes it all really easy and yeah sure, it gives a tangible someone to talk about but even if you get a boyfriend, chances are you're not going to be with them for the rest of your life, so figuring out a way of talking about your sexual orientation in everyday life is still kinda important.

 

Agreed. But for a lot of people (straight included) talking about sexual topics is awkward and something they want to avoid at all costs. Having a boyfriend as a way to continue reminding your parents and other people of your sexuality can be extremely helpful. For instance, it gives you a chance to mention the word 'boyfriend' to them more often. Such as

"I'm going out with my boyfriend"

"Yeah - I'm on the phone to my boyfriend"

Which builds up the idea in their mind that this isnt going to change or just go away if they ignore it. Obviously, them seeing you with your boyfriend is going to help you establish your sexuality with them. But, as Joey said, a boyfriend mightn't last for ever.

But I think that once you start using your boyfriend as an outlet to talk about "gay stuff" with your parents, it becomes easy with time - sort of just taking the first step.