Hi EC, First of all :bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang: Ok, as you can see on my little mini profile to the left, I have been close to coming out of the closet for some time now, and those who read my other post would know about some problems at home that kinda pushed it to one side. Things have improved alot I'm glad to say, but not perfect. However, in the past couple of days I took some real blows to my coming out confidence... The first thing happened a few days ago. My Mum was watching television, this show about weddings, whilst I was in the other room and my Dad was at work. In this episode was a gay couple (male) getting married and my Mum kindly informed me she thought it was "disgusting". :tears: I said to her, from the other room, "It's not disgusting, It's just unsual, It's not the normal thing you see", she didn't really answer, just some non-commital grunt. A few minutes later she said "I didn't mean it, It's not disgusting..." then kind of trailed off. I half expect my mum suspects my of being gay so perhaps this comment was just to ease her guilt of hastey words she hadn't thought through carefully and said to the wrong person, or perhaps she just felt guilty about saying something so harsh and tried to ease her guilt and truly doesn't suspect me... either way, I'm not convinced she changed her opinion and this has made things so much more difficult to come out to her now. :tears: The second thing happened today, I went to the cinema with an old friend of mine and considered THIS very time to come out to her. At lunch the topic came up naturally so it seemed the perfect time, but instead she made a comment about a kind-of-friend of ours from school who has come out as bi and a work collegue of hers 'getting together' she said "errrrghh, the thought of it!" so that really put a dampener on things and so I said nothing. Has the world suddenly turned Homosexuality into something to be disgusted at? isn't it enough that too many people see it as wrong and bad, now they find it giving them the shivers and feeling disgusted.. I don't really have a question to ask in this post, but I just felt like sharing these bad experiences... though no matter what, I have decided if I am not out by my 21st (in October) then I will do so no matter of what opinion my family and friends are, because I feel I can't move on untill I do so.
>>>Has the world suddenly turned Homosexuality into something to be disgusted at? Yeah, that kicked in about...oh, roughly 3000 years ago. Luckily, we seem to be coming out of it, however slowly. Your mother's comment was in fact ill-timed. But at the same time, she at least took a step - I'd say a BIG step - back towards you afterwards. She in fact took it back. If indeed she harbors suspicions that you might be gay, what she said indicates that although she has some prejudices to overcome, she's willing to work on overcoming them. And frankly, that's all you can ask. Yeah, it'd be great if she were totally gay-friendly and ready to help a gay son come out. But since (it appears) she does have some old prejudices, you've got the best-case scenario - she's aware of them, and she wants to work on putting them aside. It does mean you might have some more questions, some more work to do with her. But it doesn't mean your mother is a lost cause. In fact, it sort of suggests the opposite. As far as your friend goes, that one's tougher, simply because it's not entirely clear what she meant. Does it really mean "I hate gays"? Possibly, but perhaps not. Maybe she doesn't like the visual of two women together. (It's possible to find something rather unpleasant, even if you're open to the fact of it existing.) Or perhaps she doesn't think those TWO should be together. If you still want to come out to her (soon), perhaps you should do so in context of that. Say "Remember when you were talking about X and Y, and you didn't seem happy about it? I really hope that doesn't mean you have a problem with gay people. Because I'm gay, and I really was hoping you'd be supportive." Lex
Thankyou for the quick replies, The friend I wrote about is really the person I felt most comfortable and able to come out to, and that still is the case actually. As ever Lex thankyou for the wonderful advice, it really helps to look at things from another angle and you see them in a different light, what I took for a bad sign could indeed be a good sign. I guess it just really maddens me for people to be disgusted in something as innocent as a relationship, so what if it's same sex couples? and for it to come from my own mother it really hit me hard. Like you said Lex, and it's very true, people can still find something 'rather unpleasant' even if they are open to the fact of it existing. I just had alot of hope invested in these people that THEY would be the exceptions and to have found it misplaced is... bad. I guess it's unfair to judge them by this aswell, as we know it's alot easier to be sensitive to these experiences when it's a part of your life, I know if I had it out in the open these comments wouldn't have been spoken and perhaps opinions would be changed, so I'm part to blame myself. Ignorance is just a part of reality we deal with as a minority and I'm sure I am ignorant of many other things myself. I am VERY tempted to send said friend an E-mail right now with those words Lex, I just want this to start so I can get it over with.
I say go ahead. You've been wanting to take this step for awhile, so take it. You MIGHT try it via text or IM instead, simply because it means less lag time waiting for a response, though... Lex
Well there it goes, done via facebook private message, the hardest button I have ever pressed, right now i'm just smiling. I guess this deserves a post in the comming out section.. never thought I would be posting in there so soon! I'll do it right now
Wow, I totally feel the same. I swear it comes in waves; sometimes it's like I'm always around people who support gay rights, and then the next minute it's like I'm surrounded by people who think it's offensive and disgusting. Gah! Anyway yeah, I hope everything is going well between you and your friend, and I really hope she's supportive of you.
Yeah, you always get times when you think the whole world is against homosexuality. Hope she reacts well.
I think your mom either knows or suspects. She would not have gone back so quickly on her earlier, harsh statement unless she (correctly) assumes that she inadvertently said something to hurt her son. Rather than making it harder to come out, I'd say her actions make it easier. Also... if she does suspect, her visceral response and statement may, in fact, be part of the early stages of acceptance of your gayness; given that the stages of loss (in this case, loss of your being straight) are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, her response is somewhere between denial and anger; "Gay people are disgusting; my son couldn't possibly be one of those." That isn't something she really believes, it is simply a way of trying to reject and separate something that, I suspect, she's already starting to come to terms with. When you're ready, go for it. I think the time is already right.
