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Just wanna talk.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by manoverboard09, Aug 10, 2010.

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  1. manoverboard09

    manoverboard09
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    Alright, so I don't wanna officially say "Hey, I'm gay". Or even bisexual. But I'm very bicurious. Have been since I was 13 I think. Hell, maybe even before. But now I'm 20, and turning 21 early next year, and I don't even know who I am yet. I haven't posted on here in quite a while, and the last time I posted I was ready to come out. But now.. it's like, I don't even wanna be gay. More or less I'm just afraid to be. I'm afraid of what people are gonna say, and what people are gonna do. I don't wanna be rejected from everyone I love, friends and family. But at the same time I can't be gay because I still have feelings for women. So that leaves bisexual, right?

    Basically I just wanna talk to someone around my age and in the same situation as me. Maybe I could work it out better with someone in the same boat. :confused:
     
    #1 manoverboard09, Aug 10, 2010
  2. Danny19

    Danny19
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    Well, I Have always considered myself as bisexual. But I have been getting really confused lately. I dont know if im just gay, or bi. Sometimes I get this feeling i like girls, but other times i dont.

    I dont know if this helps at all or relates to you, but I am here if you want to talk.
     
    #2 Danny19, Aug 10, 2010
  3. manoverboard09

    manoverboard09
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    Helps to know I'm not alone by any means.

    I've never been with a guy in any way, obviously. And my last relationship with a girl was over a year ago. And our relationship was slightly over a year. I thought I was gay and I broke up with her. I never told her that because I wasn't sure of what she would say. Plus, I couldn't trust her. Another reason why I broke up with her. Turns out after we broke up she told everyone I was gay. Of course no one believed her.

    So here I am. I have a few gay friends but no one close enough that I could actually get real good advice from, so I come here in hopes of a stranger helping me. Strangers can't judge if they have the same issues. :slight_smile:
     
    #3 manoverboard09, Aug 10, 2010
  4. MagicalMatt

    MagicalMatt
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    Hey! I was at this point about a year ago. I'm also your exact age. AND I turn 21 early next year. Post on my wall if you wanna talk. I just joined this week, but I'm pretty active, and I'm applying to be a full member when I can. Then we can move to PM.

    I'd be happy to talk and help out as much as I can!

    BIG LOVE,
    Matt
     
    #4 MagicalMatt, Aug 10, 2010
  5. manoverboard09

    manoverboard09
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    Alright, thanks. I posted on your wall.

    I hope at some point in my life I'll know who I am.
     
    #5 manoverboard09, Aug 10, 2010
  6. Danny19

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    yea you are definitely not alone. There are plenty of people here that would be more than happy to help you out. Ive never actually been with a guy either, i dont have any close gay friends. Im not exactly your age, but like i said. Im here if u wanna talk. No one here will judge u trust me. evryone here is really supportive. You will enjoy it here.
     
    #6 Danny19, Aug 10, 2010
  7. MagicalMatt

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    So, I guess what I gather is you think you're bi and don't want to experience rejection because of it, so you don't think you should identify as such. But you definitely acknowledge the homosexual and heterosexual attraction, right?
     
    #7 MagicalMatt, Aug 10, 2010
  8. manoverboard09

    manoverboard09
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    Well Danny, I was 17 once so in a way I've been in your shoes so age doesn't affect us :slight_smile:



    Yup Matt, you would be correct. I have feelings for men and women, but I can't consider myself bi. And in my future I've always seen a wife, kids, white picket fence.. you know. But now it's like, what if I don't have those things? It's okay to be gay. I know that.. but it's just the rejection I'm afraid of.
     
    #8 manoverboard09, Aug 10, 2010
  9. MagicalMatt

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    So let's just say you're bi for the sake of discussion.

    You could have that life. You could have the wife and kids and home and dogs and job etc. That'd be great and not out of the question.

    But what if instead of all that you had something similar but not exactly the same? What if you had a husband and kids and a home and dogs and a job etc.? Wouldn't you be equally as happy?

    Or what if you just had good times or special relationships with men and women on your way to that end goal of a heterosexual marriage and lifestyle? Is that so...foreign, I guess?

    As for the rejection, I think as you become more comfortable with who you are, that fear of rejection will be bearable and surmountable.
     
    #9 MagicalMatt, Aug 10, 2010
  10. manoverboard09

    manoverboard09
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    I guess it all comes down to who I fall in love with. I have nothing against having a husband, kids, white picket fence.. it's just nothing I pictured. But either way I'm pretty sure I'd be happy.

    Maybe once I move out of my parents house I'll be able to find out who I am better. Maybe I'll actually be able to have a relationship with a guy without fear of getting rejected. Kicked out. Etc. I mean, my parents are pretty liberal, but coming from a religious background/childhood I just don't think they would accept me fully. I'm more scared of them than I am my friends and other family members.
     
    #10 manoverboard09, Aug 10, 2010
  11. MagicalMatt

    MagicalMatt
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    Yeah, I was NEVER even close to out when I lived at home. Took over a year of living out of town to get me to that point. So I understand.
     
    #11 MagicalMatt, Aug 10, 2010
  12. manoverboard09

    manoverboard09
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    I'm ready to move out and be able to be who I wanna be. But financially.. that's a different story. I'm not making enough quite yet.
     
    #12 manoverboard09, Aug 10, 2010
  13. MagicalMatt

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    Understood. It was college that did it for me.
     
    #13 MagicalMatt, Aug 10, 2010
  14. Danny19

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    Its also been hard for me to understand and accept the fact that im not straight and i will never be. Just like u i had thought and dreams of having a wife, kids, beautiful house. but i think that the whole wife and kids thing is out of the question, for now.
     
    #14 Danny19, Aug 10, 2010
  15. Chip

    Chip
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    What you're experiencing is a classic example of the stages of loss (in this case, the loss of the identity as a straight person.) The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

    I so completely remember the fear of being judged, of what people (including family) would think, and in particular the loss of the "traditional family" exactly as you described it.

    Every gay or bi person goes through the stages of loss. You're probably somewhere in the denial phase from what you're saying, and while they don't always go in order, there's some bargaining going on in some of what you're saying as well.

    No one but you can know what your orientation is, and there's no big rush to find out. The truth is, Kinsey says that only about 10% of the population is totally gay or totally straight, and everyone else is somewhere on the continuum.

    The trick is... the majority of people coming out describe themselves as "bisexual" as a part of their "bargaining" process. And that's fine. It's a harmless distinction, and some portion of people do actually end up bisexual, even though the majority end up identifying as gay.

    Don't stress about labels. Instead, put your energy into understanding yourself. Try not to let what you feel be influenced by your fears; simply be with yourself, and see what sort of peopel it is that you're attracted to. It will become clear, whatever the answer is, once you stop trying to force a particular outcome.

    Feel free to message me if you would like to talk more about this, it's a very common conversation I have a with lot of people :slight_smile:
     
    #15 Chip, Aug 11, 2010
  16. Z3ni

    Z3ni Guest

    Yeah. SOmetimes, I, get these feelings for girls.. I think its because I want to be friends with them?, you know when some gay guys as a lot of female friends, I think I want that, but again I want male friends too, I don't know
     
    #16 Z3ni, Aug 11, 2010
  17. Mind Freak

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    Maybe you're bi but it takes more for a girl to make you tick than it does a guy. Personally I'm pretty sure I'm bi because I do like the occasional girl and I find girls attractive it's just that I prefer guys. For girls I have kind of high standards as far as personalities are concerned and I think it's because the women in my life as I was growing up were amazing to me so I'm not really attracted to a girl whose personality is average.

    That's not to say I don't have high standards for guys, I guess they're just different.
     
    #17 Mind Freak, Aug 11, 2010
  18. manoverboard09

    manoverboard09
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    I think you guys are spot on on how I feel. Maybe this is denial, but I still find women attractive, but not as much as I used too. It's hard for me to not put a label on myself because that's what I've always done. I've always had my life planned out but none of it has ever turned out the way I want it. I don't put labels on other people because I don't like to judge. At least.. I try not too. Doesn't always work. But basically since this is my one and only life, I just wish I knew who I was.
    Maybe if I was able to experience the gay life I would know what I like better. But until then I remain this curious insecure person.
     
    #18 manoverboard09, Aug 11, 2010
  19. Lexington

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    If you're desperate for a label to wear, here's one - "undecided". Wear it proudly. :wink:

    Lex
     
    #19 Lexington, Aug 11, 2010
  20. manoverboard09

    manoverboard09
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    But I don't like that label. It isn't complete. Even if it's the truth.
     
    #20 manoverboard09, Aug 11, 2010
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