staying friends

so my boyfriend broke up with me last night. I sort of felt it coming. After several months of being together we still felt like we didn't know each other that well and there was a kind of tension whenever we were together. He's been amazing to me and I'm having a hard time now naturally because even though I felt things weren't right, I was still in love with him. Still am.

He did say when he broke up with me that he wanted to see if we could stay friends. And then figure out if we'll be more relaxed about getting to know each other without having the pressure of being together. You know, labeling it as a relationship. Since I kind of feel we may have rushed into it. Part of me wants this, staying friends. He was my first ... well everything, really. I'd never been with anyone. Having been made fun of for being gay, relationships felt like something that wasn't meant for me. So he means a lot to me and in my mind if we could be friends that would be really nice.

But should I? Usually it's unhealthy for the one being dumped to want to stay friends because it's not for the right reasons. But he's the one who suggested it. Of course, time needs to pass before any of this could be possible. He pretty much said that he felt like he could be himself more if he wasn't in a relationship. I do wanna discover if there's something great between us if we really get to know each other in new ways. But I fear that it may not be healthy for me.

What bugged me the most, and I didn't really got to tell him this last night and I seriously regret that, is that he also said that he wasn't even sure if he was 100% gay at all. Said he wouldn't exclude the idea of dating a woman in the future. That broke my heart most because I do not want to feel like I was just an experimentation to him. Especially because early on in our relationship he said he dated girls in the past but felt it wasn't for him. What did I mean then?

We did have a nice night together after the break up. Watched a movie and had a normal goodbye. I'm just confused. I know I need to deal with this and heal, but it is SO hard.

advice?

 

Thanks for the advice. It's definitely very much appreciated.

For now, I've just decided to let time pass a bit. My problem was also me wanting too much, too soon and without knowing how to truly give myself to him. So a couple of weeks of no contact seems the best thing right now. I've realized today that us being in a relationship didn't make much sense as we didn't really know each other and were both unsure how to be ourselves around each other. Me more than him I guess... That knowledge is what hurt me most. I mean, I can't blame him for me being emotionally distant and unsure how to be myself around him. I guess I have to work on myself in that department. Also, maybe we let our need for a relationship early on get in the way of our reality and what we truly felt for each other.

I did write a letter today telling him how I feel and what he meant for me. Of course we've had great times together as well. I've decided over the last couple of hours (it's gone really fast today) that I do wanna be friends and give whatever happens when we possibly become friends a shot. And of course respect it if he changes his mind and doesn't want to see me anymore. I won't send the letter/email just yet, but putting things in writing made me feel so much better. Right now things are way too fresh for me to be stalking him with my feelings through email. But when I left his apartment we had a pretty normal goodbye and he gave me a peck on the cheek. I don't want to give myself false hope about a potential friendship, but that, to me, does not feel like an 'I don't want to ever see you again'.

And yes, looking back, I do think he is bisexual. Maybe leaning more towards guys. I mean, I get that he may have been all over the Kinsey scale. But I wish he would have talked to me about it. My guess is his attraction to women is more physical than anything. He does not relate to women all that much and I felt that his attraction to men was both physical and emotional.

He was my first love, so I guess me wanting us to be friends is only natural. I also realize I need time first. However hard that is.

again, thanks for the advice and reading my story.

 

thank you guys for your thoughts on my situation. I've decided that I will email him what I've written down about how I feel. I've ended the letter with telling him that if he doesn't see a friendship down the road I want him not to feel guilty about it. That sounds reasonable to me.

and of course that I realize that I need to get over my feelings for him first if we were to ever become friends. Which I am doing now.

as for filling the void... no way. He was my first love and also my first positive relationship with a guy. I've had guys from giving me mixed signals to pretending to be gay to make fun of me in front of his buddies. That left me with serious pain and I'm also afraid I brought that pain into our relationship. I suppose he was much more relaxed about his sexuality than me. Regardless of wether is bisexual or not... which I now suppose he may be.

again, thanks!

 

so I haven't sent the letter yet. I've been revising it over the past few days. At one point rewriting it entirely. It was kinda dramatic at first and I wanted to emphasize more how happy he's made as well. And of course how I regret that I was emotionally distant.

But the timing is driving me crazy. I've talked to my cousin and she just got out of a relationship because her boyfriend found her too needy. She advised me to let some time pass before I contact him because he may feel I'm that way as well. But then I talked to my mom who reminded me that the reason for writing the letter, telling him what I couldn't do face to face, shouldn't be postponed and that I should sent it sometime this week because he deserves to know how I've felt all this time.

Such a silly thing to be worrying about, but it's bugging me. I'm afraid if I'm too soon he'll get annoyed with me and if I wait too long he might not care about what I have to say...