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I miss him.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Andytx1, Aug 12, 2010.

  1. Andytx1

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    Long story in short, I had this best friend 2 years ago and we were pretty close. He often flirted to me and in one occasion wanted to kiss me (I think so anyways). Back then I was scared so I kept backing away from him. I also told him I had a GF and he's often curious about her and my relationships.

    Anyways, near the end of 2008 I told him I'm best friends with this girl he hated and he blocked me on MSN and stopped talking to me. When we got back at school (2009), I purposely hanged around her as well as walking around the school pretending to be with girls right in front of him. I noticed during that 1st term, we kept staring at each others but neither wanted to make the move. Then about the end of that term my friends were talking about my bday and he randomly jumped in and then we started talking again. The first thing he asked me was if I had any GFs or if I'm still going out with that girl before. I said yes and he laughed. Then shit happened and we kinda hated each others. He told my friends im annoying and I told mine to tell him that I being friends with him was the biggest regret of my life. I was really sad during this time because I think I really love him.

    So it's been 2 years now (2008-2010), I never really thought of him much anymore. But recently we went of camp and all the memories with him from 2008 camp just rushed back at me along with other memories I had with him. I really don't know what to do now. I really want to at least be friends with him again. I tried added him on FB like 2 months ago but he rejected my request. Someone help please.

    Note: On the camp I had like this week, I noticed he glanced at me a couple of times but they could be an incidence because I was in his vision. But I did notice one time he was sitting and saw me and then 5-10 min later he stood up and walked away. I also heard his friend was SLEEPING with him in the same bed during the camp (apparently they got tired playing cards). I'm really confused because he's acting like one of the straight guys pretending to be gay. If he was gay he wouldn't be so opened about sleeping with guys etc O_O someone help please. :tears:
     
  2. Lexington

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    Maybe he IS gay, or bi, or questioning, or open to the idea. But whatever his sexuality, it doesn't seem to have much to do with your relationship with him. So set that aside for now.

    You two have had two rounds of being friends. Round one ended because you intentionally hung out with somebody he didn't like in order to drive him away. Round two ended when "shit happened", and you sent the explicit message that being friends with him was the biggest regret of your life.

    And now you "miss him". What exactly do you miss? Because I don't get much sense of camaraderie or friendship from your post. And I don't get the sense that it's his friendship that you miss. Instead, I get the vague sense that you're perhaps a bit more sure of your sexuality - perhaps just to the degree that you wouldn't deliberately drive away a gay guy who palled up to you. And so maybe you miss being in the position where a guy might (but only might) be cozying up to you. Perhaps he's picked up on his. Or perhaps he's just decided "I tried twice, and he pushed me away both times". In which case, you can hardly blame him for rejecting any overtures you send, even something as innocuous as a facebook friend request.

    So what can you do? I'd say two things. First off, you need to go apologize to him. Because if you try to play "let's just pretend nothing happened", he's going to think "his MO is to be friendly until I let my guard down, then he's gonna stab me in the back". So you need to wipe the past clean. Go apologize. And don't drag anything HE may have done or said into the mix. This isn't a time to justify your past behavior by saying "I may have said that, but that's only because you said this other thing..." You need to say "I said and did some really shitty things back when we were friends, and I'm sorry."

    And then? Nothing. He might decide he still doesn't want anything to do with you. He might decided to cut his losses after giving it two tries. And frankly, that's his call - you can't blame him for that. At that point, you'll have to simply chalk it up to some hard lessons learned. To wit, actions have consequences, and friendships shouldn't be treated so casually if you want to maintain them.

    But if he does seem to accept your apology, and does seem willing to let bygones be bygones, take it slow. Don't immediately try to pick up where you left off. Don't try to get him back "interested" in you, or bring up "I hear you like sleeping with guys". Start at ground zero. You're rebuilding from the ground up. Be casual, be friendly, and don't be pushy.

    Lex
     
  3. Andytx1

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    But how do I talk to him, we haven't had any communication for almost a year now. He'll probably think I'm up to something again .... and I heard he's really close to this girl. Well at school it's really hard to see him alone .. =/ Also the 2nd time we got together, he wasn't the same. He never talked to me or anything. He even added me on his new MSN but NEVER messaged me first ... Basically we didn't talk but was "friends"
     
    #3 Andytx1, Aug 13, 2010
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2010
  4. Andytx1

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    ^ That was the I got mad and bitched about him then he said im annoying and that lead me to saying I regret being his friend =___=
     
  5. Lexington

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    >>>But how do I talk to him, we haven't had any communication for almost a year now. He'll probably think I'm up to something again ....

    Precisely. That's precisely what you're up against. Which means you've got a ton of rebuilding to do. And it'll only work if he's up for it...and there's a decent-to-great chance he won't be.

    And considering that his cardinal sin last time was "never pinging first on MSN", well, I can understand why he's not overly eager to retest those waters. It doesn't surprise me that he was aloof. He'd been burned once, and was probably reluctant to show his cards. And the fact that you blew up about it probably (in his mind) confirmed what the thought - "I shouldn't have anything to do with this guy".

    How do you talk to him? You go over and talk to him. If he's alone, say "Hey" and jump straight into the apology. And the apology should be a stand-alone. It shouldn't be an "I'm really sorry, do you forgive me, can we be friends again" deal. It should be "I treated you really crappy, and I feel lousy about that. I just wanted to say I'm sorry." End of story. Then, whether he accepts it or not, you thank him for listening and move along.

    If he's not ready to talk right then (because he's with a group of people, and you don't want to apologize to him in front of them), say "I'd like to talk to you when you've got a second, if that's OK."

    Again, though, I'm not entirely certain why you feel this relationship can be salvaged...or even should be salvaged. What exactly do you miss about it?

    Lex
     
  6. Andytx1

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    I just feel like I shouldn't leave everything unsolved before I finish school. I just think that I was very childish back then (so was he). I really have no hope for him to like me or that we can go back to the past but I'll feel much better if we can be friends.