Feeling down after coming out to family

I think the one problem here is it's wrong of your family to ask you to tell no one else. What are they afraid of? If they want to be supportive, they should allow you to come out to whoever you want to. That could be a partial reason you're depressed, it's kind of like they're saying be yourself but only to us.

 

If they're going to accept you no matter what, then they should be comfortable with who you are. They obviously aren't if they don't want you telling others.

You coming out is about you, not your parents. You tell who you want, and let your parents know that they can't decide that for you.

 

Don't tell anyone? that doesn't sound very accepting at all. Now wonder you feel like crap you your fam wants you to hide who you are. You should feel down thats a horrible thing to tell your kid and a lie.
"we accept you but don't tell anyone" thats a lie shrouded in a cloak of bull shit.

You should feel happy that you got it out of the way and you said you like being around those friends you can be yourself with. Tell the fam you are who you are and if they really accept you then they won't care who you tell.

 

First of all, welcome to EC! I hope you'll enjoy your time here!

Secondly, as the above posters said, your family is being a bit unreasonable if they want you to stay closeted. Coming out is your decision, and something you know you need to do to be able to live life in a way that makes you happy.
Also, allow me to point at your age. At 27 you really do know what's best for yourself (being 27 myself, I really hope that, at least ). Your family can, of course, give input and advice, but the final word lies with you!

Now, I can see why they think that keeping this a secret is the right decision. They see that gay people are at some risk of being abused and outcast. They might be having a phase of denial ("no, he's not gay! He just needs some more time to figure it out!"), they might feel like they need time to come to terms wit it themselves. So from their end, it feels like they can keep this contained and controlled, keep the status-quo going, and keep you "safe". It's a thing a lot of families do. That means they care for you, even though it's ultimately very misguided.

In any case, don't let this bring you down. They mean well, but they just need to come to grips with the fact that this isn't going to change, and that you feel you need to be out to be happy. That you kept this inside for all those years, and that keeping it in (even if some people know) is only going to lead to more unhappyness.
So, when you talk to them, always try to make it clear that you know what you're doing, and that you're pretty careful about who you trust. If you decide to tell other friends or family members, mention that you did it, and how great the reactions were. If they try to dissuade you, tell them that you appreciate their concern, but that this is something you really need to do. And hopefully once they hear a couple of successful coming-out stories, they'll see that things aren't as bad as they feared.

Above all, never feel down, and never feel guilty over it (though it's pretty normal to feel a bit guilty at first. My mom did manage to give me a few guilt-trips before she started to make her peace with the fact that me being out is all for the best)! Those plans of living life and working abroad sound pretty fine. You are doing the right thing!
(*hug*)

 

Welcome to EC!

So your family told you not to tell the rest of the family, or the people at work. Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but right there under your name, it says "Age: 27". As in "old enough to make my own decisions as to who knows stuff like this". Sorry, your family has no say so over who you tell, especially since you're an adult'n'stuff. Feel free to tell whoever you feel fit.

Sorry your family member is going through some health stuff right now, but let's swap places for a minute. YOU're going through some health stuff. Whatever it might be - major hospital stay, confined to bed for a long period of time, maybe life at risk. Then what? Would you expect everybody you know to put their lives on perpetual hold? Yeah, it'd be great if they could stop and visit, let them know they care about you and your position. But you'd presumably still want them to go live their lives. So don't feel bad about wanting life to continue.

Lex

 

Hey, PhilL.

I think everyone is saying the same thing, but they're all right. 27 years old is old enough to decide for yourself who you'll come out to. If you want to tell the family, do it! If you don't, don't. It's up to you.

As far as the family member thing, Lex has some reasonable thoughts. I would make a further remark and say that coming out is entirely about yourself. It takes a lot for good people to care solely about themselves on any matter, and that's not a bad thing, but you have to learn that this is one of those things you get almost free reign on. Never be afraid to live your life as who you are.

Big Love from Oklahoma

 

My parents did a bit of the same thing when I came out, saying that they thought I should be careful to whom I came out and all of that sort of thing. I patently ignored them, and I told them that I was coming out and that was my final word on it.

I think there's a couple of things at play when a parent or parents say to not come out. One part is a fear on their part that, even though you're their kid and they love you, that if people know you're gay that people will think less of your parents and shame them. The other part, and this is the part to remember, is that some of it is misguided attempts to look out for your well-being. Your parents probably do love you very much and support you, but they're probably worried about what becomes of you when you come out to everyone. Do you open yourself up to being attacked, insulted and the like, or discriminated against? Does saying you're gay open you up to getting sick? These are all questions to which we know the answers already, and if we're at a point where we're coming out then we've resolved them satisfactorily. Your parents, however, have not answered these questions, and they might be saying to stave off coming out because they're worried for you.

That doesn't mean you should stay closeted, not at all, but it's not necessarily your parents being two-faced either. Just tell them politely and gently that you appreciate their concern, but you genuinely need to come out for your own sake and that you'll deal with life as it comes at you.