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I really need advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Steve712, Aug 15, 2010.

  1. Steve712

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    All right, so ... to start, I've had a boyfriend for the past month. He's very sweet, loving, outgoing and understanding. Now, his parents are worthless fucking pieces of the slimiest and most repulsive shit which you can imagine. They yell at him all of the time, control everything that they can in his life and sometimes, they try to beat him. It's a classic case of domestic violence, really. He keeps wanting to give them chances so he won't move out despite having options, his parents tell him that it's because they want to protect him and don't want him hurt and switches between insisting that he's fine and wanting to leave.

    Earlier, his parents tried to beat him again. He texted me and told me that he really wants to move out, but he wanted to make sure that I was okay with being long distance for a while in case he moves far away (around six or seven hours of driving). I said that I am perfectly fine with it and that he should get the fuck out of there as quickly as he can.

    Then he started making excuses, which I discovered was a regurgitation of what his parents said when they sat down and talked to him afterward. He said that was wanted to give them another chance, that his friends might not be able to accomodate him (he didn't even ask) and that moving seven hours away to small town Nova Scotia would ruin his plans for after high school. I completely respect and understand the last one, but he flatly refused to ask his friends about their previous offers to house him when I prompted him and ignored me when I said that he could stay at my place until he was able to find somewhere.

    I want someone to tell me that it's all fine and it'll solve itself, but I need someone to tell me the truth about the matter. Realistically, what can I do? In which new waysm if any, can I help him? I already let him vent, comfort him and provide loving companionship, but I want to do more.
     
  2. Lexington

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    You've done nearly all you can. About all you can do in addition is to remind him that his parents are on chance seven, or fifteen, or thirty-six at this point. And it's ludicrous to think that they're suddenly going to develop a conscience and treat him better. He's bought himself a small amount of time - that's all.

    In addition, prepare for the next fallout. When it happens, don't let the moment pass. Tell him to pack some stuff in a backpack, and get out. NOW. Come to your house, stay there, and work on moving out from that point of operations. He'll never be able to do it at his parent's house while they're there working their magic to get yet another chance to show that they're good parents...

    Lex
     
  3. Steve712

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    He actually called it a second chance, since they only came this close to beating him twice including this time. I reminded him that it was actually around the thousandth chance given that this has been happening during years and that the control and verbal abuse are just as serious, so it isn't like they "don't count." I also told him that they don't stop being stupid fucks because they're smiling, but he said that he'll wait and see if anything "more serious" happens, they he'll move out. I then told him that he'll do this same thing again if he doesn't move out as soon as he can. It doesn't seem to work. I want him out of there before they hurt him again, but it doesn't seem like it will happen. :frowning2:
     
  4. george678

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    Could he not stay with you? Like Lex suggested?
     
  5. Steve712

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    I offered him to stay with me until he could find a place, but he said that he was fine.
     
  6. Lexington

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    Which is why you're going to have to be ready to swoop in when the situation happens. Because that's when he'll have the correct mindset - that his parents are dangerous, that they can't be trusted, and that he has to get the hell out of there.

    Lex
     
  7. Steve712

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    I don't like it, but it seems to be the only way.
     
  8. Lexington

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    Sadly, I think it is. But be prepared to leap into action at a moment's notice. It's gonna such majorly when (not if) it happens, but the silver lining to that very dark cloud is him being back in the mindset of "I gotta get out of here". And that's when you gotta make your move.

    Lex
     
  9. Steve712

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    Thanks. I just hope that I'm in town and able to help when he needs it.
     
  10. Steve712

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    I talked to my mom about it around an hour ago. She said that it would be difficult because even in the worst cases of abuse, the children involved want to believe that their parents can change. I definitely understand that. She also said to keep trying to reason with him and to ask him what his limit is: "what if next time isn't that bad?" and "will you need to be hospitalised to leave?"

    What do you think about what my mom said?

    Also, my parents said that he can stay temporarily until one of his friends can accomodate him, which makes me a feel a little bit better.
     
  11. Lexington

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    I think your mother kicks ass, and I think you should tell her so. :slight_smile: As far as her actual comments, I'd say it probably couldn't hurt to have him think about this some more.

    Lex
     
  12. Chip

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    He's experiencing the classic battered spouse/battered child syndrome. Children always, no matter how terrible their parents are, always want to believe that things can change.

    You may want to consider having your mom call child protective services. I know in Nova Scotia, and I think in NB also, there are group homes where children with domestic violence or other difficulties in the home can stay; one of my friends spent two years in one and credits it for getting him on track and moving forward with his life in a positive way.

    Or, alternatively, talk to him and suggest that as a possibility. The situation is not going to get better on its own, and next time the abuse could be worse. Hopefully you can get him to take steps.
     
  13. Steve712

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    Lex: Thanks. I did ask him what changed between when he was saying he needed to leave immediately after the events of last night and when he said that it was fine and he paused and admitted that he had no idea. I filled that it with the fact that nothing changed (although that isn't entirely true, since his sense of endangerment was gone hours after the fact, but it's still effectively true in all other ways). I'm just glad that I gave him pause even for a moment.

    Chip: I have friends who dealt with the ... erm, wonderful system here in New Brunswick and that is the last thing that I want to do, especially since he's less than a year away from being 18. He has friends (and their consenting parents) who offered him a long term place to stay. It's really only a matter of convincing him to leave.
     
  14. Chip

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    The friend I described above is now a licensed Canadian social worker. If you think it would be helpful, we could probably arrange a way for your friend to speak to him and perhaps he could provide some encouragement for your friend to take up the offer to stay with friends. I agree that a situation staying with friends in a healthy home environment is certainly preferable to group home environments. I also agree that it's always a crapshoot contacting CPS; sometimes you get somebody who genuinely understands how to improve the situation, and sometimes you get a bureaucrat. If there's any way he can be encouraged/cajoled/convinced to get his butt out of there, that's what should happen.
     
  15. george678

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    I agree with Chip.

    But also Steve, I think you should convince him to move out before the next 'attack', because they will get more and more harmful and he may be really hurt.
     
  16. Steve712

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    I've tried, but he won't budge I'm afraid.
     
  17. magillanectar

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    Not to be redundant but I definitely agree he has to learn he can't change his parents. My mom has serious emotional issues that she has spread to my family and I've wasted years trying to change them. I gave up recently and removed myself physically from it (moving away more or less) to better myself. They saw me come back and they now notice i'm happier. I think they are now making a more serious effort to change because of it. When people try to give advice on these matters to people who are in bad emotional situations it's extremely hard for the person to accept what they are saying. One thing that helps - never tell a person what they should do. Instead ask what they have and haven't thought about. Keep framing questions in the direction of the point you eventually want to get across to. When you finally get there, it will be their own idea and they will be much more accepting of it. I had a friend say I should move out too, and I got angry with him because i thought he had no idea what it's like to be in my situation. And it felt insulting to my intelligence. But don't just ask a series of questions in a row because it'll be too obvious what you're doing. Always be reassuring of their thoughts and actions too. For instance, if he says I want to stay - maybe say, "I understand how tough it would be to leave them. I would be so afraid to be out on my own." But then later on ask why he doesn't want to go. And yea, your mom sounds smart.
     
  18. george678

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    Hmm shame, keep us posted.
     
  19. Steve712

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    Other than the usual yelling and tension, nothing further has happened to make him want to leave that badly again. Thanks magillanectar, I'll try that.