heres the deal

Why..don't you erm.. move in with your accepting friends?

 

Welcome to EC!

* Your family has told you where they stand on this subject. So, consider the subject dead. Don't talk to them about it. At all. Ever. If they ask if you're dating anybody, tell them it's none of their damn business.

* If your father even hints at kicking your ass for being gay, tell him you'd be more than happy to take it outside. But point out that, for the rest of his life, he'll not only have to remember that he got his ass kicked by his kid, but he got his ass kicked by a faggot. (And yes - say "faggot." There are times when it works best to use that term, and this is definitely one of them.) And ask if he really thinks that's something he wants to live with.

* If it's really that deplorable where you are, start working towards moving. Start saving now. Do it for 40-year-old you. You don't have to move to Washington DC or any other specific town. There are tons of places where being gay is a total non-issue. Denver's quite nice.

* Stick around. Post some more here at EC. Work on getting more comfortable being gay. Believe it or not, it's no curse - it's a blessing.

Lex

 

Lex pretty much nailed it. He is amazing at giving advice.

Welcome to EC!
Best of luck figuring everything out.

 

First of all, there is a vast difference between knowing you are gay and finally accepting it. It sounds like you have finally admitted it, but sometimes it is a long road in finally accepting it. It took me years...even though I am still in the closet I have put it to rest and accepted the fact that it is what it is. It can be stressful. Hell, I'm a Baptist, a Republican, a closet drunk and I'm gay...try living that life lol.



As far as the Bible Belt goes...hell, I'm in Birmingham Alabama. Cant get more on the buckle than that. I love it, but I am looking forward to moving (to DC actually).

I know that I could never tell my dad. He doesn't accept it nor tolerate it. To keep peace at home, I simply keep my mouth shut. It doesn't bother me, it's just something I live with and it works...for me atleast. Although not brining home a girl or having a girlfriend in over 4 years he might suspect something. But, I continue to play the role of the Good Son and life goes on.

From someone that has been in your shoes (and still somewhat am) I can tell you this: you must venture out to be yourself. It will drive you crazy and seriously fuck with your mind if you do not.

Is it a blessing? Who knows. Don't get me wrong, I love who I am, but it is not the easiest road to take.

 

Let me give you an analogy. (And yes, fellow ECers, I'm pulling out the house analogy, again...)

Let's say you're standard height - six feet tall or so. Now say you're living in a house built for really short people - three feet tall or so. So you're scraping your head on the ceiling, constantly bumping your head on door frames, hurting your back trying to sit at the table, crouching way down to get clean in the shower, and getting very little sleep because you have to scrunch into fetal position to get into bed. You might come to the conclusion that "life sucks because I'm so tall. If only I were shorter, life would be better."

But see, the problem isn't that you're too tall.
The problem is that you're in the wrong house.

And not to put too fine a point on it, but you, sir, are in the wrong house.

You're gay. BFD. Sure, there are a few obstacles in life when you're gay - but there are obstacles in life being straight, male, female, and everything else. And they're all handleable. And being gay IS a blessing. At least it has been for me. Being gay has opened my mind up immeasurably. Once I decided that "date, get married, have kids" wasn't necessarily the path I had to take, I wondered what other paths I didn't have to take. I ended up forging my own path through life. A strange, occasionally bizarre one, and one that many perhaps wouldn't find appealing. But one custom built for me. And as such, I've had a hellaciously great time following it. I found it's actually a lot easier to befriend people as a gay man. Straight guys don't seem to have a problem with it, and straight women feel "safer" knowing I don't have any ulterior motives. I'm friends with successful businessmen, punk musicians, and drag queens - and they're all great. And I can say with a modest amount of certainty that a lot of them wish they lived as happy a life as I am.

Lex

 

Haha, I love the House analogy!

Look, don't get too caught up in the "terms" of things. For some it's a blessing, for some it's a curse. Who gives a shit? What matters is where you are now...and there is no real easy label to put on that one...except one of transition I suppose.

I wouldn't be too shocked at your father's reaction...it's simply a generational thing. That's how they were raised...things were pretty cut and dry for them back in their youth. No, you won't see eye to eye on everything...what father and son does?

As far as venturing out...that doesn't mean moving out tomorrow. Go outta town one weekend and check out the gay scene (DC has a fairly decent one)...go (and I HATE using this cliche) find your gayself....God I can't believe I just typed that, but since Lex used the house analogy I figured it's ok, lol. I go to Atlanta all the time (only 2 hrs from me) and I have tons of gay friends there that know my situation...and trust me, it has helped me keep my sanity.

I don't know if you have been "out" on the scene or not, but I would suggest trying it. Yeah, you'll meet some creeps just looking for a hookup...but you will also come across some pretty good people that could help you along this journey.

 

Trust me, I can relate with the homophobic family thing a lot. When I was 7 my Dad told me gay anal sex was disgusting and wrong. Then he told me how to have sex and explained ejaculation. My Mom told me that being gay is a disorder and that if I were gay, she wouldn't come to my wedding. You just have to remember, if you're going to tell your parents, if it comes down to it, tell them "no matter what, I'm always going to be your gay son and you can't change it", It might sound hurtful but after a while of thinking about it they might understand. not saying they'll accept it.

I'm not gonna try to act like I'm some expert at coming out though. I'm 100% in the closet, but I DO know that comforting words from people who can relate really helps out

 

Chip makes some good points. Your father (and the rest of your family) may in fact come around. But I think it's important to remember that his feelings don't trump yours. His desire to have a straight son doesn't outweigh your need to accept who you are, and to start living a happy life. You perhaps could help him through this process, but only if you were already secure and happy with your own life and sexuality. Which, frankly, it doesn't sound like you are right now. So do focus on your stuff, and let your dad come around when he comes around.

Lex

 

Give it some time. Mull it over. Ask some more questions if you got 'em. You can either ask here, or if you'd like something more one-on-one, you can ask one of the staff members (Chip or myself) direct. Just click on our name and choose "send private message". We'll get your head to a better place yet.

Lex

 

I've been there and done that. Since January I've gone from where you are to where I am now - waaaay out there, total freedom, happiness with who I am and with my own sexuality, and proud as hell to be a gay man. I went from screaming "I don't want to be gay!!" over and over again to saying that I wouldn't change my orientation if I could!! I am living a new life - finally.

You're getting some super advice here on EC. Let me add one thing, on the front end.. spend all the time you need working this through in your own head. Get to the point where you are comfortable and even happy with the idea of being gay. Here's a test - go out into the woods or on an isolated road, or lock the doors in the house.. stand in front of a mirror, and out loud, as loud as you can, say "I'm gay" about 10 times. If you can do it, then try saying "I'm proud to be a gay man" a few times. Until you can say this and mean it, and not feel uncomfortable, in my humble opinion you're not yet ready to face the world.

I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to do this quickly. Allow this to be a process.. you have lived long enough and you are entitled to work this through at a reasonable pace. After all, you've had 37 years to get yourself screwed up to this point.. don't expect to undo that in a week.

Once you have fully accepted being gay and you are comfortable with the idea.. then you can plan for how to take this to the rest of the world. It's far better to approach the outside part of your life if the inside part is in order. Then you can make a strategy to deal with your parents. I will strongly disagree with anyone who says that you don't need their approval at your age - I know what it's like to grow up living a lie just to please people and then to lose that security (false as it may be) by changing things on them. Your parents matter at any age, and I think they deserve to know the truth, but with a healthy dose of respect and understanding that this will be a revelation and a journey for them too.

And take it from me.. as someone who was scared shitless of my parents because they were religious homophobes who denounced gays.. you can never predict their reactions. One thing I can tell you - it's a different ballgame when it's their son, who they raised and loved. They may surprise you right off the start, like mine did, or they may take a while.. but I can tell you from my experience, the nightmare scenarios we rehearse in our own heads are almost always far more dramatic and are totally out of whack with what actually happens.

But first things first.. get your own house in order. Take your time. Spend some time on EC.. get used to this broad spectrum of homosexuality (well represented on EC I might add!) and debunk a few stereotypes you may have accumulated on the way. Doing things logically and methodically will save you a lot of pain and anxiety down the road.

Good luck!!