Big hellos to everyone. I'm here for advice and to learn a little more about what I need to do to support my recently out sister. My sister very recently told her immediate family (and nobody else) that she is a lesbian and was greeted with a resounding "alright, whatever". She needs our support, our love, our ... hmmm... I don't really know what she needs. This sounds horrible, I realize, but her telling us that she's a lesbian felt like someone telling me that they like corn tortillas instead of flour tortillas. Is it different than what I'd pick for myself? Yeah. Does it affect my daily life in any way? Not so much. But I know that to her this is a very big deal. Our parents are pretty open minded, except that my mom has been itching for grandkids in the last couple of years and it is getting a little obnoxious, but I think I've managed to settle her down on that. I'm sure that didn't help my sister's relationship with them or her feelings about coming out. It was more about boundaries than anything else though and I think I've gotten my mom to begin to understand that she needs to let go of things that are out of her control. The grandkid thing was directed at both of us, but I luckily got the brute of it since I've been married for a couple of years. Is there anything I should be reading, saying, doing to help her along? She's never been too concerned about being judged as socially normal but seems to have spent the last decade or so on the traditional pursuit of getting married and having a traditional family. This is a big thing for her and there's a lot of soul searching involved in both coming to terms with her sexuality and realizing that it doesn't change who she is at the core. It might not help matters that my husband and I are trying to get pregnant and will hopefully have an announcement soon. I feel like I'm throwing an extra jab in there by happily pursuing the "normal" path that she tried so hard for. I wish that we could hold off until she gets her feet under her a bit more and is more comfortable in knowing that happiness is something she can find once she's done the hard part of accepting where she needs to look. Heck, if she really wants to do the whole raising kids thing she can, it will just be harder. Right now she just needs to catch her breath, I think. But I don't know. Sigh. I don't know. I love her. Maybe I'm downplaying the whole thing because I don't like to think that it really is pretty huge to her. My parents seem to be accepting it really well, though I'm sure that my mom sees it as another roadblock to her getting grandkids. Maybe that part will die down if I can squirt one out*
I think being her sister is a weird place to be. I know, when I came out I wanted to talk about it all the time! Everyone goes through that, but most people don't do that talking with family members. It's a strange place to be. ---------- Post added 19th Aug 2010 at 05:50 PM ---------- Also, why don't you ask her what she needs. That way, even if she says "nothing," she knows you're available to help out.
She needs to know that this doesn't matter in the slightest, one way or the other. She needs to know you've got her back if she needs it. She needs to know she can talk to you about stuff if she needs to. And she needs ice cream. Because everybody needs ice cream. Lex
Make sure you talk about it. Treating her normally does not mean you don't talk about it. Ask her questions about it, make jokes about it (in good nature of course), just keep talking about it.
I agree with Lex. When I came out to my family, they were horrified (mom, dad and younger sis). Younger sis's reaction hurt... she was afraid to tell her friends because her friends would "abandon her because of her gay sister" or "want threesomes or something sick". It hurt hearing her say that, and having my mom and sis not hug me for fear that it would 'excite me' hurt as well. Thank you for being there for her. Have you showed your sister this site? This site helped me SO much in coming to terms with it myself and telling others and living my life honestly.
I agree with what everyone else has said, and totally agree with Lisa. You should show her this site. It's amazingly helpful. (Also I fully agree with the ice cream thing. *goes to find some for herself*)
This reminds me of when I came back home after an abusive relationship. I didn't want to talk about any of it, so my friends just kept taking me out for pie. The pie helped a LOT. So I gained a couple pounds, but then I started running and discovered a life full of pie, the gym, and friends who didn't make me talk about stuff that weirded me out until I was ready (which was years later)
i love this. if only everyone realized this. what i always want from people is for them to treat me exactly the same as before. it's a really big deal to come out because it sets us apart and establishes our differences, but i think we all just want to feel that we're human just like everyone else. i'd say you're gonna do pretty well because you naturally seem to know that nothing has changed. the other thing that was really uncomfortable for me at first, but was probably really helpful is talking about guys (girls in this case). it will probably be awkward for her at first cause she's always had to pretend that she wasn't interested in girls and it's a tough habit to break, but it shows you're comfortable with it and that will rub off in time.
I think that all that your sister needs is to know that the fact she is a lesbian doesn't matter to you at all. That you loved her before you knew and that now that you know, you love her just the same. I think all that matters to her is to know you love and support her.
I agree with what people have said so far. Yes, tell your sister that her coming out isn't a big deal for you, because you still love her just the same. But also tell her that if its a big deal for her, you understand that. As you realised, coming out to your family can be a BIG deal! Let your sister know you're there if she ever wants to talk about things, but other than that, carry on with life as normal. A bit of normalcy is the best way to help reassure your sister that everything is fine. And well done you! Clearly you care about your sister; you've given it a lot of thought, a lot of perceptive thought, and you're on EC asking for advice! Not all siblings are so good, so
