So things at school have been going pretty okay. I've been doing well in classes these first few days and I'm not behind on reading or homework. The only class I'm a little worried about is math. I came out to a new group of friends a few days ago and they've been totally accepting and so, so awesome, but they are waaaaay more into anime than I am and I still kind of feel like an outsider when it comes to that. (They are the pres and vp of the anime club on campus.) I have no one else here to really talk to and while I do have friends I am texting often, I feel like I am just bothering them most of the time. Things aren't terrible, but they are going well enough. The confusing part is I'm still having these really dark thoughts. Everything I was feeling when I first realized I was gay waaaay back in junior high has stormed my head. I am constantly thinking about cutting again, which is not something I want to do. And I've started restricting my food as a result. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am so happy with who I am, but there's this undertoe of sadness constantly around me. Maybe it's because I've always been told that who I am is wrong, evil, unnatural. But I don't feel that it is. I'm so worried someone on campus is going to find out (that I'm not okay with them knowing) and since I live in a pretty homophobic area it's really scary. There is a serious possibility of gaybashing in this town. I'm so scared to be out, partially because of my parents, but mostly because I am afraid of what people here will do. I feel like I'm constantly trapped in my head and the only thing keeping me sane is school. When I'm not working on homework or reading something for the lectures, I slip right back to those "you're worthless, no one will ever love you, you might as well end it now" thoughts. I'm honestly a little scared. I haven't self-harmed in almost 9 months and I don't want to fall back into old habits after coming so far. I know that once I go down that road, it's going to be even harder to come back than last time. My closest friend, whom I text everyday, lives about 4 states away and I've been very open with her about all of this. She thinks I should see someone about what's going on with me, these compulsions and anxieties and my fear. Also, that I may need to be put on an antidepressant until I can figure things out. But I don't have any insurance and I don't have the money to pay out of pocket for that. I'm not ashamed of being gay, and my depression doesn't center around it, but my lack of a good support system HERE with me is a big part of it. My school doesn't have any LGBT support and I don't know where to turn. I'm so afraid that I'm going to give into that need to self-harm again and it'll spiral downhill. I'm sorry about this turning into a rant. I just really didn't know where else to go. I know there's not exactly much that can be done, but any advice is really, really appreciated. Thank you for reading this. :help:
Hi there (*hug*), I think your friend is right when she tells you to see someone about your anxiety issues and cutting urges. It's not something you're going to get rid easily, especially if you lack support. Does your school have a counsellor ? If it does, then they are probably the best person to start with. If they think you need to see a therapist, or a doctor, they probably be able to guide you to an appropriate professional and to help you dealing with the lack of insurance. You have been able to resist the urges to cut for 9 months and it's already a HUGE accomplishment, but these urges have deep roots and it's only tackling these roots that you're going to get rid of the urges and won't see them reincarnate into something else (like the food restriction for instance). I know it's not easy to face this, but I think it's better to face your issues now that you're still young than letting things getting worse and being obliged to deal with them in 10 or 20 years. If you ever need to talk about this, or if you need some support, feel free to PM me anytime. By the way, did you post this thread in Ask the Staff section on purpose, or did you confuse this with the Support and Advice section ? Because thread posted here are only visible for the staff members, while in the Support and Advice section it's visible for every members on EC. In case you posted it in the wrong place, let us know and one of the mods will change the location of your thread. Take care, (*hug*) Cécile
I've really been considering talking to a counselor here on campus but I'm honestly a little afraid of it. I really don't know if I want to be put on medication if they deem it necessary. I guess I've heard too many horror stories about meds making things worse or causing you to lose all ability to feel anything. I'll definitely look into it though. And I think I did post this in the wrong section. I'm so sorry. I'm still trying to get used to the site. Lol. Thanks for asking. I wouldn't have realized it otherwise.
Well, first, it's not because you're talking to a counselor that they are going to put you under medication. Especially if you tell them that you'd prefer not to. Talking with them can already help you a lot to clarify how you feel and why you feel like this. It can take some times and not always be very funny, but I think it's better to deal with this now with the help of someone than letting your anxiety eating your guts and getting worse. Now in case they want to put you under medication : this is not necessarily a bad thing. (Yes Ecer's, I'm going to do the broken leg analogy, so if you already know it, feel free to skip the next lines ) I often say medication is like pain killers. If you had a broken leg, you won't see any objection for the doctor to give you pain killers while you leg is mending. For me, it's exactly the same thing with anti-depressant and anxiolitics. There is no reason not to take some aside from doing a therapy. They'll help you not to feel to bad while you're mind is mending. Of course, medication should be prescribed by a doctor, and sometimes a treatment requires some readjustment before you feel fine with it. But I think that if you need it, there is no reason to deprive yourself from that help. Take care, and let me know how you're doing. (*hug*), Cécile
Thanks a lot. I hadn't really considered the "broken-leg, painkillers idea." I guess I'm just a little afraid of the stigma attached to seeing someone about something that seems, from the outside, as simple as being a little bummed. For now, I'm trying to get insurance through my school and if I can get that, we'll see how things go from there. Thanks again.
