Hi EC Tonight I decided to ditch my gay friends and go spend some time with my straight friends, who I haven't seen in a while. For some reason I just get kinda frustrated when I'm with them, and I feel different. I feel like I need to make reference to sexuality all the time, which is dumb. I don't understand my feelings in this group of friends. Mostly they are totally fine and don't give a stuff what my sexuality is. Anyway, the main problem is that within this group of friends is a very Christian and rather 'sheltered' girl. She told me when I came out that she still liked me and wanted to be my friend, but she doesn't agree with gay relationships. It's against her religion, or so she tells me. I understand that gay people might make her feel uncomfortable because she has not been exposed to any before, but it makes me angry that she thinks there is an option to agree or disagree. Tonight she said to me that she thought I would be proud of her because when she was travelling overseas with friends, she went into a gay bar. She hadn't known it was gay friendly, but she saw some guys together and they were touching! *Gasp* She actually WHISPERED the word gay. I said "you don't need to whisper the word" and she said "well you know how I feel about it..." etc. I feel like writing her an email telling her how it feels to have her 'disagree' with something that is part of me, like it was a decision I made. I know this isn't a huge deal, like she wasn't out-right rude or anything... but it just bothers me. I suppose I'm just feeling a bit odd... feel like I don't quite fit with my straight friends anymore. That's my fault, not theirs. And yet, I also don't quite fit with my gay friends, because I feel like they are all better than I am, and because they have all actually had partners before and I haven't. ARGH does that make any sense?
A couple things. First off, it's not too surprising that you want to keep referencing your sexuality with your "straight friends". I think a lot of it revolves around wanting confirmation. You want to be reassured that they're not trying to sweep your sexuality under the rug, such that "we'll be your friend as long as we don't mention that whole gay thing". So bringing it up is your way of sort of saying "You're all still cool with it, right?" But yeah, it can get annoying if that's your only topic of conversation. Re: your friend. Yeah, it'd be great if she simply got over her prejudices and had no problem with you or gays in general. But it's not usually that easy. It can take time and effort on their part. But the positive thing is - she's actually putting in the effort. She went to the gay bar - or, more correctly, she didn't leave the bar once she found out it was a gay bar. She's attempting to move out of her comfort zone. And that's a positive thing. So do your best to be encouraging, rather than telling her to just "get over it". I think she'll come around as time goes on. Lex
I was going to say something to this effect. Talking about sexuality every time you're around them won't help the situation.
I agree with this. If you're constantly talking about it, it reinforces a mistaken view that you are somehow defined as a person by your sexuality, and nothing else, which certainly doesn't help when it comes to anyone who happens to be uncomfortable with the issue, or even homophobic. If you just act normal, without feeling the need to constantly refer to your sexuality, gradually these people will understand that you are just like them, in terms of being a more complex human being, and that you are no more defined by your sexuality than they are by theirs. In respect to this individual, it sounds like they are making an effort, so I'd suggest be patient with them and in time she'll begin to understand that you are still the same person, and her view on the issue will probably change.
I agree with everyone here. And also thank you for posting this because I've been having the same issues to an extent, so it's nice to hear what others' takes on it are. For me, I often feel like my Christian friends are shoving me in the closet. I don't feel comfortable saying "hey that guys hot" when all of them are doing the same (to the opposite gender of course). I also often feel like I have to specifically stray from stereotypes in order to prove to them I'm "not like all the other gays." I know this is wrong, and I even post about NOT doing it on EC. haha. It just sucks though because I think we all have to be sensitive to our environment. There's a place where we can be ourselves (in the homosexual aspect), and there's a place where we should just keep our mouthes shut.
Thanks guys Lex, that's a good point about the 'wanting confirmation' thing. You've all said that it will get annoying if I talk about it too much - I had already thought about that, so that's kinda why I was worried! I kept thinking "they really don't care! Why do I keep wanting to talk about it? Must be annoying!" Jeremy - good point about sometimes just needing to keep out mouths shut. I think I haven't quite got used to the idea yet that people might just not be 'turned'. I need to get a bit more relaxed about that I suppose. Hmm, and I see that my friend is making an effort, in a strange kind of way... I didn't intend to tell her to 'get over it', but I still think it would be good to just remind her that it isn't a choice or a 'lifestyle'. Hmm, anyway, thanks again for the replies. Some good stuff to think about
I agree with everyone but thought I would just add, sometimes you have to remember how long it takes us to accept out sexuality even though it isnt against our religion and we are no homophobic, so its only natural it takes some people a while to come round. At least she is trying in her own way. I also think its good to remember that you are not different to your straight friends, there is no rule where if you are gay you have to hang out with gay people, although it can be nice to sometimes, but also that your gay friends are not better than you just because they have had partners. Just because you have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend it doesnt make you a junior or apprentice gay person, you dont have to have slept with someone or been in a relationship before you get your full certificate. You are just lacking a little self confidence and that can be hard but just keep going out and socialising with both groups and that will prob be a nice balance. If your friend brings up another conversation like that perhaps you could just say, im pleased that you are making an effort to understand my sexuality or something like that.
