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okay sooo..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Danny19, Aug 21, 2010.

  1. Danny19

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    Today my mom brought up 2 gay topics..
    first , We were going to the bank and she told me that a few days ago she stopped at the same bank before getting to work around 5am. When she was there a car stopped by and a few "girls" got off the car. She said she thought they were gonna go work or something. Then she realized that They were a little too "glamourous" and that they were really men. So technically they were transexuals. And that one of them started yelling to another Tran. almost across the outside of the bank. She said that they said "Hey effin fag get out of my street, it embarresses me that you r here, leave b*tch" and they kept yelling really mean stuff at each other for like 5 min. Then she said that that street is sort of known for gay prostitution. Then she said that its pretty gross, and that this is why people offend gay people. because they do these things. It pretty much makes the stereotype. She said she doesnt care if people are gay and what not, but its not cool that they do this.

    She sort of got me thinking that if i come out are people going to think of me like that?

    Next we were watching tv in the living room and she was watching this mexican reality show and a boy came out waving with a very gay mannerism. When i saw him i was like "oohh wow." and then she said he looks gay huh, and i said yup, probably.. anyways then she said she felt bad for the poor kid, i told her why, its not a disease and she said not bcuz he is gay, but bcuz homosexuals have a hard life, they live through a lot criticism.

    But again, she got me thinking, is it really going to be hard to live a regular life?

    (recently my mom has brought up a lot the gay topic. Idk if she knows if im gay, but she said that some kids show at a young age, however i never looked as if i was gay.. )

    (& sorry for the long thread?
    i just have been having a lot of questions, i feel more questions coming up)
     
  2. MagicalMatt

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    Do read into things more than you can. It may be on her mind just by coincidence. Now that doesn't mean you shouldn't use the opportunity? Now's the time to feel out how she feels on everything. Maybe have some meaningful discussions. Stick a toe in the water, you know?

    But in your search for perspective make sure that you don't 1) out yourself too quickly, or 2) reinforce any of those stereotypes you don't identify with.

    As far as a hard life? People have all different kinds of lives and all of them are hard. This is just a special kind of weird problem, but plenty of homosexual people live happy lives, and I think that's all that matters.
     
  3. Chip

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    Five bucks (or a cup of coffee at Starbucks) says the fact that she's brought it up twice in the same day... and in the way she has brought it up... she totally knows.

    She's giving you an opening and hinting around that she's ok with it, and basically rolling out the red carpet (or the pink carpet? LOL) for you to come out to her.

    And... very often people are absolutely convinced that they aren't obvious, but everyone on the planet but them knows they're gay. So don't assume she hasn't figured it out... perhaps you're a little more obvious than you realize. Mothers also have a sixth sense and frequently know, sometimes even before their kid has admitted it to themselves.

    So if you're feeling like you're ready, I'd say she's rattling the handle on the closet door, encouraging you to open it :slight_smile:
     
  4. Danny19

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    @Matt- yea i get you...

    @Chip- haha, yours made me giggle.
    honestly i dont know what to think. I dont remember having her touch the gay topic as much she has done recently. Its weird. maybe somethings that ive done have made my mom think i am. And also, lately i have been urging to just tell her , anyone, but im sort of still confused. Idk if im Gay or bi, and i dont want to come out one way then switch you know. Sometimes i just dont care and i want to tell someone, but there are times that I worry about what people think, and its weird because i usually never care about that stuff.. ugh why does this have to be so complicated?
     
  5. Chip

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    Sexual orientation is a continuum. According to Kinsey, the only large-scale study ever conducted, only about 10% of the population is totally straight (Kinsey 0) or totally gay (Kinsey 5) , everyone else is somewhere on the continuum (Kinsey 1-4).

    So a trinary label (straight-bi-gay) is not accurate for most people.

    However... if you find yourself mostly attracted to guys and not feeling much attraction toward girls, it's also pretty likely that you're holding onto the "bi" label because it allows you to maintain some connection to the straight world.

    In terms of the stages of loss (which everyone goes through as they come out, it's the loss of our identity as "straight"), labeling oneself as "bi" can often be "bargaining" (the stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance), as in "OK, so I like guys, but I still really like girls too, honest!"

    A friend once wrote on (and later updated) his blog in the about me "Hi. My name is Mike. I'm bi gay (oh well, it was worth a shot!)"

    Of course, some people are genuinely bi. Just a lot use it as a "bridge" to accepting themselves fully. But as far as your mom... it doesn't matter. You can tell her you're gay and later decide to date a girl, or tell her you're bi and date only guys. Given the continuum, a lot of "gay" people aren't Kinsey 5s, but 4s or even 3s. So it's just the label they're comfortable with. Either way, she'll deal. :slight_smile:
     
  6. paco

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    i could be wrong, but doesn't kinsey go up to 6?

    anyway, sounds like your mom is accepting. a lot of straight people unknowingly say insensitive things about gay people thinking that they're saying the right thing cause they just don't know what it's like. one that kills me is when people say "i think it's fine if people are gay but they just shouldn't kiss in public." but in the end, they are trying, and they just need a little more exposure to understand what they're really saying.

    some people will stereotype you as gay, but seeing is believing for most people, so they'll go by how you really act. and occasionally you'll surprise people, or people will point out a gay attribute, but it's usually a minor thing and it's not out of judgment.
     
  7. Chip

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    You are so totally right, and I dunno how I managed to screw that up. Maybe I'm unconsciously trying to make him bi :slight_smile:
     
  8. Danny19

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    I guess your both right.

    My mom is a really supportive person. She has always told me as long as im happy she is happy. Recently i have been having the urge to come out, i just feel like something is stopping me.
     
  9. george678

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    You don't want to come out because your not ready. You will over time build confidence.
     
  10. paco

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    the first person is always the most difficult, and parents can be very difficult for some reason. i had a really hard time building up the courage to tell mine even though i knew they'd be ok with it.

    there's always going to be something trying to stop you from coming out, it's called the unknown, it feels kinda like jumping out of a plane hoping that your parachute will open. you're always gonna feel the fear and it's good to be ready, but at some point you're gonna have to just push yourself to do it.