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Sexual Orientation Among Other Things

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by FreeSoul12, Aug 22, 2010.

  1. FreeSoul12

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    Hey all. I'm new, male, and 16 if you didn't know. I have a couple of questions/problems I would like answers/solutions to, and would really appreciate if anyone would take the time to respond.

    I was confused in January of this year about my sexual orientation. I went to some online places asking questions, but I didn't feel like I was satisfied with the answers. I've pretty much determined that I'm bicurious/bisexual, but I'm not exactly sure. I like guys for the physical features, and I couldn't see myself in a relationship with one. As for girls, I like them for the connections I can make with them, and can see myself in a relationship with one. I also am indifferent about having sex with a girl, but I like looking at pretty girls.

    So, I really don't know what to call this but I think it means I'm bisexual or at least bicurious (I haven't had sex with a girl or guy, or a relationship with either one). Could someone please tell me if my suspiscions are correct or if they aren't? I really need closure on this!

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    As for a separate dilema, as I said, I'm only 16, but I want to have sex with a guy. The problem is that I don't want to come out to anyone (will that hurt me if I don't mind not telling anyone?), and I want to wait until college so that no one close to me (like my family) will have know. I don't want to end up hurting them or embarrass myself for no reason if I don't have to!

    Is it a good plan to wait until I go away for college, find a gay/bisexual guy there to hang out with? Or even come out at the college only and not in my hometown?

    ---------------------

    Thanks for all the replies! I really appreciate each one!
     
  2. paco

    paco Guest

    this is a pretty common story amongst a lot of bi and gay guys, i thought the same thing around your age and now i can't imagine a relationship with a girl. society tells us that relationships should always be with the opposite gender and growing up with that mindset makes it seem strange to be in any sort of relationship with another guy. someday that may change for you. i know it's vague, but no one can tell you your sexuality, i will say it generally follows what you look at and what you're thinking of while playing with yourself.

    and i hate to have to tell you this, but it's probably a good idea to hold off on sex with a guy for a bit, for both your sakes. sex causes enough drama between people that know what they're after. if one or both of you are not sure, it turns very ugly. i 'experimented' with a guy in high school and sure it was fun, but it hurt way more.

    lots of people come out in college but not at home. it's a good strategy for people whose families will not accept them. but you don't have to even think about coming out yet, you need to know what you're coming out as (gay, bi, straight, whatever) before you do it, cause if you're wrong the first time, it's hard to convince people that you know what you're talking about when you are sure.
     
  3. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    To answer the last question first, sure - there's nothing wrong with waiting. It's a lot easier to experiment in college than it is in high school. And since you're still undecided about things, it might be a good idea to hold off, as your sexuality might get a bit clearer as you get older.

    I do want to comment briefly on your paragraph about what you like. I really don't like playing the "Oh, this is how it is for me, so this is how it is for you, too" game, but what you list there is more or less how I view the sexes, as well...and peep my sexuality to the left there under my name. :slight_smile: I think women are great. I have plenty of female friends, and my partner and I both enjoy going to burlesque shows, which mainly involve women taking their clothes off. And I think several women are downright stunning. But even when I see them in states of undress and near-undress...nothing happens south of the border, if you catch my meaning. It's guys that get me sexually excited, not women. So I'm gay.

    That said, you say you "can't see yourself in a relationship with a guy". This is pretty common with "undecideds" such as yourself. Heck, I heard the identical sentence with another young guy I was talking to just this week. So I'll ask you what I asked him - WHY can't you see yourself in a relationship with a guy? What about it doesn't seem right?

    Again, I don't want to "solve" your sexuality for you. You most certainly might be bisexual. But I thought I'd see where this leads - hey, you never know. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  4. FreeSoul12

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    Thanks for the replies both of you! I'll definitely take all of your advice into account!

    As for the bi/gay thing, I read somewhere that your orientation consists of one's physical attraction, emotional attraction, romantic attraction, and sexual fantasies. So when you, Lexington I mean, said that you weren't sexually attracted to women, I was a little confused because it only fit the sexual fantasy part. Does it work like the way I read it? Or are there lots of exceptions?

    Also, Paco, for the question about why I wouldn't want to be with a guy, I guess you can say I can talk to girls a lot easier and guys I don't usually have too much to talk about with. I only have about 3 guy friends and about 7 girl friends. In addition, I don't think I'm convinced by society that being with a guy is wrong because my household doesn't really address gay issues. I can't really explain it, but I just can't see myself with a guy, and I'm pretty sure it's not because of society.

    Thanks again for the quick responses!
     
  5. paco

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    haha sorry, but having more girl friends than guy friends is actually a gay stereotype. not to say that proves anything, there are exceptions to every rule and everyone breaks stereotypes all the time.

    it's not necessarily your home life that tells you to be in relationships with the opposite sex, it's the entire world. we grow up with a mom and dad, our friends grow up with moms and dads, our friends get boyfriends and girlfriends respectively, on tv and movies, the guy always gets the girl. it's really all over, and it's not something that we think about actively, but it does affect us, men being with women is what we're used to and humans are creatures of habit and pattern. even if we're not explicitly told that heterosexual relationships are the right thing, we see them so much throughout our lives that we just assume that's how it should work.

    now after saying all that, i just want to add, i could be wrong, i've been wrong before and i'll be wrong again. just don't try too hard to go one way or the other, this will work itself out, and things will be clearer someday, but it goes faster if you place yourself at neutral.
     
  6. fringelunatic

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    I know where you're coming from. A couple of years ago that's how I felt about things too; there is no way I would have seen myself in a relationship with a guy, and my social programming still steered me towards chatting up girls, despite not being attracted to them. To an extent I still have some difficulty imagining myself marrying a man (although I may never need to worry about that one, since we only have civil partnerships - can't see myself in one of them either). I'm also still more likely to flirt with a girl, which has caused a few awkward moments in the past... So your thing about emotional and romantic attraction may be true, but they may take time to develop, as you discover yourself. As for liking guys for their physical features, I don't know how you couldn't :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: But it also means two of the criteria apply to you.
    Since coming out I guess I've become more aware of just how forceful society as a whole is towards straight relationships - think when the last time you saw an advert for anything on TV where there was a couple kissing, and then think when that couple was two men or two women.
    All that said, I don't see that you should feel the need to label yourself, at least not yet; you are who you are, and you're likely to get to know yourself better in the next couple of years (speaking from experience).
     
  7. Chip

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    Hey, and welcome to EC.

    You've gotten some good advice so far. Here are my thoughts.

    The biggest challenge everyone goes through in understanding and accepting their non-straight sexuality (and I think it's safe to say you aren't completely straight) is accepting the loss of yourself as a "normal" (heterosexual) person. For most people, that's a tall order, because, particularly as a teen, most people like to fit in... and having a major attribute that only 10% of the population has sort of sets you apart.

    So some unconscious denial or "bargaining" is almost always a part of accepting yourself. Each of us, with any sort of serious loss, goes through stages of comping to acceptance of that loss (in this case, loss of your "straight" self) The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

    So what you're going through sounds like the "bargaining" stage. This doesn't mean you're gay... it just means you're processing and understanding who you are, and there's no rush to come to terms with that.

    One of the things that is often most useful is to think about who you are fantasizing about when you masturbate, or what sort of things arouse you in every day life. If it's mostly guys... then you're mostly gay. If you can honestly say that you mostly masturbate to, and are aroused by, images or thoughts of girls... then you're mostly straight. This isn't absolutely foolproof, but it is pretty reliable.

    I echo the thoughts of the other posters on the "can't see myself in a relationship with a guy" and "am so-so-about sex with a girl"... the first could easily be an unconscious denial process, the second is somewhat telling.

    I would also advise against just hooking up with a guy for the heck of it. Nearly everyone who talks of doing so on here says they are pretty unhappy afterwards, and meeting random hookups on the net is neither safe nor wise. So... take your time. When the right guy makes your heart go pitter-pat, then you can think about what to do next.

    Long and short is... sexual orientation for everyone is a continuum and most people are not 100% at one end or the other. So in the meantime, just relax and let your thoughts sift.
     
  8. FreeSoul12

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    Ok thanks again for all of your advice! I have another question now! Sorry lol, but hopefully someone will answer it!

    When we were talking about the relationships and everything, it's not just: "I can't see myself with another guy". It's more like: "I want to be with a girl". I've had plenty of crushes on girls before, but in a different way than I have had them on guys. As I said, it's like I have crushes on girls because I want to be in a relationship with them, and I have them on boys because they are attractive. So, is this a variable also? Who I would rather be in a relationship, instead of who I think I should be in a relationship with?
     
  9. MagicalMatt

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    Hey, I just had to say that for 16, you're a lot more understanding of yourself than I was at your age.

    That said, the whole "can't see my self with a guy" thing is pretty par for the course. Lots of gay and bi guys go through that. I was still going through it during my first relationship! But it was natural, it was right, and it was ok, and I had a guy that I liked a lot and who I clicked with. Maybe you just don't know the right guys.

    Also, hold off on sex. Sex causes drama. Drama eats you up. You don't need that right now. Make it through high school. Hell, make it a good way into college before you complicate things.
     
  10. darkcheesse

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    who you want to be in realtionship is your decsion. i takes time eventually you will figure it out, but you have to make the journey to find out. we can help you along the way but in the end its all down to you. don;t rush the issue, when the answer comes it comes, it took me over 4 years to figure out. im geuss as you already know what you like you will be alot quicker to the answer than i was. im saying be patient the answer will eventually come it just takes time
     
  11. FreeSoul12

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    Thanks, well I went through a lot. I've been dealing with confusion for almost eight months already!

    As for the advice, thanks but that didn't really answer my question too much. I still appreciate it though!
     
  12. MagicalMatt

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    Haha, sorry. Sometimes I can be pretty straight-forward with my opinion.

    As far as gay friends, I mean if you know anybody and you don't mind them knowing, then I don't see the issue. You don't have to be in a relationship with them to be their friend. But if it takes moving out and going away to meet someone, then I guess that's what you'll do.

    To your last question:
    Who you tell and when you tell them is a matter of your personal preference. For me, I'm out at school (mostly), but not at home. It's just the way it has to be considering my financial situation and family and friends. Sorry I can't be of more help.
     
  13. FreeSoul12

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    No you were fine! Just giving your opinion makes me feel better.

    Also, darkcheese, thanks. I didn't see your post until now
     
  14. Chip

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    Can't say for sure, but likely, this is part of the denial process; what's going on in your conscious mind is the "Oh, i really WANT to be attracted to a girl because that means I'm straight, or at least bi" and so... you are, unconsciously, trying to make yourself attracted to women when you (apparently, from what you've said) really are not.

    If you're feeling attraction to girls more so than guys that's one thing, but if you're feeling attraction to guys because... they're hot and attractive... then it is more likely you are gay or at least bi to the gay side.

    Who do you fantasize about? What gets you aroused? What do you think about when masturbating? Is it mostly or all guys, a mix of guys and girls? If it's seldom girls, or if you think about girls and find yourself going right back to thinking about guys... then you're closer to gay than straight.

    If you can clarify what's going on for you there, it will help you get a clearer answer.
     
  15. Danny19

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    Hey it seems like we are on the same page here..
    I had the same thoughts, I was sexually attracted to guys, but i felt i had more connections with girls than guys. There was a time that i only saw myself with girls only. Being married to a girl. Never to a guy though. Ive had plenty on crushes with girls, and i cant recall having one with a guy. However these past few months i have been thinking a lot and i got to the conclusion that im either Bi or gay. And as much as i tried brushing it off i just cant. And now ive thought of being in a relationshop with a guy, and i feel kind of happy when i think of having a bf. So now i still have to figure out if i am Bi or gay.
    and just like you I have wayy more girl friends than guys. I make friends with girls easier, im more outgoing with them, with guys, i dont i feel sort of shy and like i cant really start a conversation with them.

    I know this probably doesnt help, but i just want to let you know you are definitely not alone.
     
  16. paco

    paco Guest

    having a girlfriend and being normal is something that's important to you right now. when you're 16, it's considered a bad thing to be different. if you do end up realizing that you're gay, it will be more important to be with a guy than it is to be normal, so yes, it does change. don't feel pressure to figure this out right this second, there's plenty of time and your mind will work itself out.

    having a girlfriend doesnt make life easier though. i had one in high school (even when i figured out i was gay). in theory it's easy to kiss a girl, but if it's not something that makes your heart flutter a bit it's very awkward. it's best at this "confused" stage to just lay off relationships for the time being.
     
  17. Lexington

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    >>>When we were talking about the relationships and everything, it's not just: "I can't see myself with another guy". It's more like: "I want to be with a girl". I've had plenty of crushes on girls before, but in a different way than I have had them on guys. As I said, it's like I have crushes on girls because I want to be in a relationship with them, and I have them on boys because they are attractive. So, is this a variable also? Who I would rather be in a relationship, instead of who I think I should be in a relationship with?

    Well, I guess that depends on some things. You say you would RATHER be in a relationship with a girl. So lemme nudge it forward. WHY would you rather be in a relationship with a girl? What about it is appealing? I mean, I want(ed) to be in a relationship with a guy specifically because that's what I was attracted to. To me, it's a bit like saying "I'm really hungry for a hamburger, but I WANT to eat cake."

    Lex
     
  18. FreeSoul12

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    Okay thanks again. Everybody got me thinking, and before I was just too confused to answer lol. Thanks though for all the replies so far!
     
  19. FreeSoul12

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    Also, I'd like to add that I've had a crush on a girl for about a year. I finally got the courage to ask her out in May I believe, but she rejected me. So, I tried to get past that, but now I kind of have a crush on another girl. I'm just getting really confused and it's not fun! What is even happening here?
     
  20. Chip

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    I see a couple of possibilities.

    Either you're bisexual and attracted to girls and guys, or you're still in denial, and trying desperately to be straight, which is why you're still trying to go out with girls.

    If you're genuinely attracted and want to be sexually involved with them, then it's pretty clear you're bi. But if you find yourself just wanting to be friends and not wanting to be sexual with them, while still fantasizing about having sex with guys, then it's more likely denial.