I came out to my mom during sophmore year. She said she didn't believe me, and asked who knew, and told me not to tell anyone else, to stay "open minded" and closeted until college. I know its just one more year until that time, but this is my last year of high school, I'm not so sure I want to live another 365 days the way I have been. The rumor is out at school, and I get harrassed for it no matter how much I fight it. Most assume, know, think, or feel it in some kind of way, or maybe I'm just super paranoid about it. I don't dress, act, or talk the way I want (girly clothes, talk in code...or I just don't talk, and I'm shy or rude or however people see it) anywhere. I feel like only a part of me is there. While i'm with people who do know, its amazing. I gain so much more confidence and I feel so safe because I can know who my friends and enemies are rather than guess and wonder. My mom works in the same district, so her students are siblings of my classmates, or there is some other kind of connection. This is a conservative area and someone else she works with is mocked for her daughters life "CHOICE" despite her daughter's success (job, wife, family etc.). My mom doesn't want that, and I don't want it for her either. Home life...right now I really hate it. I have ever since I came out to her. I regret it everyday cuz i know she's ashamed of it, and wants me to hide it, and it makes me feel wrong, and thats just...such a self esteem booster. Not only am I...down, because of all of this, but there's also alot of tension too. I don't mean to be so angry with my mom, but she's the only reason I'm putting on any show or hiding under any mask. I'm not a kid anymore, playing pretend and custume isn't really healthy at this point is it? so should I take my school by storm and celebrate my last year and possibly shame mother dearest? or continue in this angry, rather depressed, state and consider my true self on hold and hide?
Maybe you should try talking to your mother about it again? Don't just go and do that because I said it though. Knowing your mother, would the situation be worse if you did? Or would it help her if you said you were SURE and that you wanted to be open and free? Thoughts.
It's one thing to wear the mask (and attendant costume) if you're desperately trying to hide the truth. But apparently, people assume or know. So at that point, why bother hiding it? Why not get your lez on, whatever that might entail? I'd betting one of the reasons you're a target is because they recognize it as something you're trying to hide. People don't get teased for things they were proudly. Nobody razzes you about the chicken sandwich you had for lunch, because you don't have any shame or worried feelings about that sandwich. It's your lunch - BFD. And if you OWN your sexuality, if you show them that it's not something you're hiding anymore, then they won't find it as such a sore spot. Will you embarrass mommy dearest? Possibly/probably. So what? I have yet to find a child who didn't embarrass their parents about something. (My mother used to do this melodramatic "don't tell them your last name" game with me - something about my utter lack of grooming habits...) If your mother gives you grief, level with her. "Mom, the kids were giving me hell not so much for being gay but because it looked like I was ashamed of it. But I found if I don't buckle under, if I just let me be myself, they're less likely to give me hell." There's a good chance she'll have a different suggestion - maybe date a cute boy! You presumably can tell her how you feel about that idea. Lex
It would probably make it worse. she'd just pressure it more that I need to be "open minded" and that I am straight I'm just not trying, and that its only for one more year. But this is my LAST YEAR! she believes its choice. I would never chose this.
my sister didn't have to keep an open mind when a girl asked her out. but when some guy asked me out, anyone that knew told me to date him.
why what? why my sister dind't have to date a girl? cuz she's already striaght, which is the norm, and therefore she shouldn't. whereas, I am gay, meaning different, and i should therefore go out with a guy and conform? ask the general population not me. I like girls. its simple. i don't know why its a problem. people make it into a big deal. I feel like its not supposed to be. Its not my fault, or anyones really, just general society.
I'm usually an accomodater, but the advice I'm about to give is going to break my ethics a little. You and I sound a lot alike in that we want to accomodate (ex. you want your mom to not have be ashamed of you so you would risk staying in the closet and hurt yourself emotionally). I'll try my best to offer some worthwhile advice and display your options and outcomes. So, your situation is: -You deal with mocking in school for being gay, but no one knows the truth. -You want to come out (and stay out), but don't want to shame your mom. -Another mom at your mom's deals with jeering at work because her daughter is gay, and you don't want that fate for your mom. Now that all your problems are written out simply in front of you, it's time to search for a solution. I've prepared a list of solutions, but there may be more I'm not seeing. Solution #1: Sit down with your mom again, and tell her how you feel, and make sure you make an impact. Say things like, "Mom, I can't do this anymore! I know (insert mom's colleague here) gets made fun of at work because her daughter is gay, but she is willing to sacrifice that so that her daughter can be happy! I'm miserable right now, and you can't just brush that aside!". Research some things about people who bottle up their emotions for too long. Find heart-throbbing stories and quote some or read whole stories if you feel the need to. You need to be emphatic, dramatic, and emotional for this to be really convincing. Solution #2: Stay closeted just like your mom wants. This will continue to hurt you emotionally, and can be very bad for you. Think of how it's not good to hold it in when you have to go to the bathroom. You are very aware you have to go, but you sometimes you have to hold it if you cant get to a bathroom. It's not good for your bladder, and it's not good to hold things in, even emotions. Some people go into depression and even have suicidal thoughts when their emotional health is threatened. Be prepared to deal with heartache, and pretty much keep living the way you are. ------------------------------- Personally, I like solution 1 because it is better for you, and the only variable that is different with each outcome is how your mom will feel. If you love your mom and feel that she should understand you and love you unconditionally as well, pick the first one. If you want to accomodate and risk your health, then pick solution 2. Your mother will be happier, but if she really loved you like a mother should, then she would understand how important coming out is to you. After you pick a solution, you can either stay closested in school, or you can come out. I can't really predict the results, but I think you'll be made fun of in school by the same jerks that make fun of you know either way. Any way you slice this situation, it will probably end up bad. I'm sorry! But you can still be hopeful! You still have friends that you can talk to, and that's all that should count! Think about the true decision here: I want my mom to not be made fun of VS. I will be miserable and depressed because no one will accept me. Hmm? Which sounds more serious? The second one, I would say. Go with Solution 1, I say. It really is better for you! I'm sure your mom can deal with a couple criticisms at the expense of your health.
I understand dating the opposite gender is expected. But when a girl asked me out*, none of my friends told me to date her. Not because they didn't like her - she's quite cool, actually - but because they knew it wasn't something I wanted. They might not have gotten "the whole gay thing" back then, but none of them felt I needed to date girls or "keep an open mind". You say you have people who know - do THEY think you should date this guy? I'm just wondering why everybody thought this guy was such a catch. Just because he's got a penis? BFD. Lex * - yes, a girl asked me out. Why is everybody so shocked by this?
@freesoul: solution one is better obviously, but she will convince me to stay silent and be hurt that I don't want to after I promised her my sophmore year that I wouldn't. I feel bad enough hurting her now, when she doesn't even know, I don't want to do it face to face where she can tear up and be upset and guilt me back inside the damn closet. @lex: they know. but this is a conservative area. the solution is to conform. everyone considers the best option for a lesbian girl is a penis. doesn't matter if he's an asshole or the chillest dude ever, which the one who asked me out is, he's so cool, i felt bad saying no, but I really just can't imagine...being w/him or any guy rly
So you are telling me that these will do nothing for your situation? Read a couple of them to yourself; I'm sure these would convince anyone to be supportive. http://lakeweedatarrowhead.net/suicidst.htm
Hopefully, you asked if you could be friends. Because cool guys are cool guys, whether you date them or not. The thing about the closet door is that it's a one-way trip. People talk about "going back in the closet", but honestly, that really doesn't happen. It's more like the closet collapses. I think even the most conservative folks don't truly believe it when a supposed gay person says "Looks like I was wrong - I'm straight!" They might WANT to believe it, they might encourage the gay person to keep going...but they're going to keep thinking about that "gay phase". As far as "trying to be straight", you appear to recognize how silly that is. What exactly does that entail? Dating guys? How many? How many times? Do you have to kiss them? With tongue? And sleep with them? And how long do you have to do this before you officially have "given it a go"? (That hypothetical question, of course, has an answer - "for the rest of your life".) And all this is the reason I'm advocating, metaphorically, shrugging your shoulders and giving up. You've tried what your mother recommended. You tried keeping it under wraps. For over a year. You tried dressing girly, and feigning some interest in the opposite sex, hoping it'd make things easier for you. And guess what - it hasn't. Not only are you very uncomfortable in the role, but the other kids are still giving you grief, despite your attempts to maintain the facade. So why keep it up? You (presumably) aren't going to attempt to be confrontational for the sake of being so - you just want to be YOU. And yeah, it's still going to be difficult. You'll presumably still get some grief for being yourself. But at least you won't have the additional burden of playing a role. You can at least relax enough to be YOU while all this crap is going on. Lex
