1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Best friend feeling suicidal

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Glunn11, Aug 24, 2010.

  1. Glunn11

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2009
    Messages:
    146
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Idaho
    Hi again EC,

    I feel kind of guilty for posting all my problems and not really knowing how to help anyone else at the moment. My sexual orientation has sort of become a non-issue, and now I've been consumed by depression. Nonetheless, the support I've received from you guys has been the best, and I really could use some reassurance if nothing else.

    My best friend (who is also gay) has recently gone to college, as I think I have mentioned in a prior post not too long ago. I got used to it after a night's rest. However, it breaks my heart to hear about how his depression has been escalating since he moved out, and quite rapidly. I'm currently worried sick about him, but I managed to keep my cool over Facebook.

    He's not a dramatic guy. He's very realistic and mature. If he says something, he means it. I'm reminded back in my junior year when he told me he didn't care about anything. I was the most depressed I have ever been. The same scenario is unraveling, and I've already been through it, so I'm still able to act human this time around.

    What troubles me is him saying, over Facebook, "I don't want... to go through life... anymore." I promptly asked, "Are you suicidal?" to which he replied, "Probably."

    I know better than to get dramatic or to tell him whether he's right or wrong. I simply said "Okay, Well, to start off, I love you and don't consider you a burden or any shit like that."

    He's disturbingly eager to disregard his feelings. He always wants to "stop talking/thinking about it," and I tersely rebutted that "Your feelings are valid." I want him to be happy. I want to be happy.

    He agreed to try out the university's counseling services, and I'd talk to my mom about getting into some counseling of my own. The advice I am seeking is how to handle both mine and his depression at the same time. I'm already terrified of asking my mom, even though I told my friend that seeking treatment is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm passive by nature, and assertion is not my strong suit. I'm also susceptible to crying when sad and under pressure.

    Thank you very much in advance.
     
  2. Eleanor Rigby

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2009
    Messages:
    2,767
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    France
    I know from experience that having a suicidal friend is very frightening.
    It seems to me that you have done the right thing so far, telling him to seek for help and letting him know that you're there for him.
    Now here are a few thoughts that came to me while reading your post :
    You need to seek for help yourself. First, because you can't expect for your friend to follow your advice if you're not following them yourself. I know asking for help is not always easy, and I know starting a therapy is not always a walk in the park. That being said, you can't expect your depression to get better if you're not doing anything. The more you wait to take care of it, the more it's going to be long and painful when you'll be obliged to do it. It's like not to disinfect a wound for fear the antiseptic is going to sting, the risk is for the wound to poison and to hurt you much more than if you had agree to desinfect it in time.
    Besides, the risk if you don't get help for your own depression, is that you're not going to be able to help your friend, because both of you are going to drag the other down, wich is not something neither of you needs right now.
    So set the example to your friend, ask for help either by talking to your mum, or by asking your school counselor. And then urge him to do the same.
    On the side of this, what you can do, besides letting him know you're there for him, is to activate his and your support system. Let your other friends know neither of you are doing well lately, and that you both can do with some extra support.
    In case you're very worried about your friend, it might even be a good idea to let his parents know. I know you might be worried that he gets angry at you for doing this, but it's better to be safe than sorry in that kind of situation.
    I hope things are going to get better for both of you. If you want to talk about it, you're very welcome to PM me anytime you want.
    Take care (*hug*) Cécile
     
  3. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You're doing the best things you can for a friend who is depressed and/or suicidal.

    * You're keeping the lines of communication open.
    * You're being encouraging.
    * You're nudging him into getting help.
    * You're letting him know you're there for him.

    You probably know some of these can help more than you know. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  4. Glunn11

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2009
    Messages:
    146
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Idaho
    Oh my god, thank you Cecile and Lex for your replies. I'm planning on broaching the subject to my mom on a road trip tomorrow. Incidentally, the only counselors in my town are sponsored by some Mormon group. No, I'm not joking. When my friend went to the doctor about his depression the first time, it immediately turned into a discussion between the doctor and him about why he's not going on an LDS mission or obeying God's commandments.

    Thankfully, there are competent counselors in a town twice as big about 25 minutes away. My other best friend lives there with his sister and I visit on a weekly basis now. I think it'd be a great thing to have my therapy down in Idaho Falls, with the support of my best friend while I'm down there and away from the situations at home. I'm sure I could get him to drive me and whatnot.

    It is scary, but I know I need to do it. I just need to do it -- to talk to someone about getting an appointment. You are right, Cecile, in that I have to demonstrate that I am willing to take the steps if I expect any progress to emerge from him.

    I'm glad I'm doing mostly the right things. The last time something similar happened I went completely and totally (pardon my French) apeshit. So, I'm thinking that this can get worked out. College is something that should be a positive experience for him, and I want to get my adult life started out on a positive note, as well.

    His parents and I don't exactly get along. They'd probably blame me, and that will only get worse when he comes out as gay, and the parents conclude that it's because of me. Apparently I'm why he's unhappy and no longer a Mormon. His own mind had nothing to do with it :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    But, if circumstances dictate it, I'll be sure to alert them, regardless of whether or not they hate me.

    On a positive note, he did say that he talked to the school's LGBT group and really wants to get involved. I think if he can immerse himself in a positive, loving community aside from the mainstream LDS culture in northern Utah (where he's going to college), the better he will be and feel.

    Thank you guys so much again. I feel significantly better now. (*hug*)
     
  5. Eleanor Rigby

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2009
    Messages:
    2,767
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    France
    That's indeed better to try to see a proper therapist than someone who is going to knock you out with a Bible...
    And that's great that your friend is joining an LGBT group, that can have a really positive impact on him and could provide him a great support.
    Let us know how you're doing.
    (*hug*), Cécile
     
  6. Glunn11

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2009
    Messages:
    146
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Idaho
    Hi Cécile,
    He apparently had a great day today and wasn't sure exactly what came over him yesterday. He talked to the counseling office and read some pamphlets, and knows that it's ok to get help, which is a huge relief. I think he'll be just fine, but I'm definitely all ears.

    As for me, I just lost threw away another thousand dollars on an online casino (as you can see by my new thread -- I seem to be whoring up the forums with my problems, and for that I do apologize). I just hate myself a lot right now.

    But it could be an ice breaker with my mom. I don't know. I'm just sick of being a failure and trying to pretend it's ok.

    Thank you for your kind words and support. It's more important to me than you can imagine right now.