*Sigh*

About your inability to accept happiness, I have the coolest thing to say. Well maybe it's not cool, but it brings to mind something. I can't say I know what you are going through, but I've seen it (it's actually from a great tv show though).

If you watch anime (or even if you dont), I'll recommend xxxHOLiC to you. The show is full of philosophical wisdom and other things (like comedy too but that's irrelevant). Watch the episode, "Self-Mutilation". It's about this girl who is supposedly unable to accept happiness. But as the episode progresses, you find out that she's just scared of having a positive experience, in fear that she'll experience something negative to counterbalance her happiness. She tries to "dodge the reckoning" by making herself suffer through countless miserable acts so she won't ever feel like accepting happiness she didn't win.

Now, I'm not good at explaining things, and that may have confused you. But trust me, it's amazing, and maybe it'll help answer why you can't accept happiness.

 

I do know what you're going through, although I think your experience is a lot more extended and drawn out than mine was.

I didn't come out as some sort of political move, or to be "empowering", or whatever else. I came out because it was the obvious next step. It was getting too frustrating, too limiting in the closet. I wanted people to know so I could be upfront with everybody I'd always been upfront with. The idea of them finding out stopped being a frightening one, and instead it started to make me a bit giddy.

Thing is - I was only in that spot for, I dunno, a week? Then I just told everybody.

Sounds like you might be at that point, too. Lemme know if you need help taking the step. Then, hopefully, we'll see if we can help you keep some of these cool people who are entering your life.

Lex

 

It makes total sense to me, or at least I think so. The good news is that you’re not damaged. What you wrote just means you’re just human like the rest of us!

About the coming out part: I guess most of us have this phase where the idea of coming out changes from abject horror to a pressing need. Around that time, your thoughts change from hiding it to when/how/where to come out next.
Unfortunately, by the time you get to that point, you've already trained your mind in keeping it a secret. So it's a terrible strain balancing your desire for coming out with your learned reflex of keeping your head low.

The first coming out is always the hardest, but it seems you already made it out of the closet to a select few. They can be your springboard to being more out, if you let them. Just being out to people can be a relief. But being open to them about wanting to be more out, and having them be supportive about that goal can really make it a lot easier. So tell them that you’re planning coming out to family, and that you would appreciate it if you could talk to them about it before and after it happens.

As for walking away from happiness, it's something I'm guilty of myself. When I first came out to myself, and later to other people, I imagined that it would be pretty easy to find happiness. As easy as joining a dating website, of going out more, allowing my friends to set me up with dates, or just being more open about seizing the opportunities that present themselves.

That didn't happen as planned, because, again, we're all the slave of our own reflexes. And it's easier to trust the devil you know than the devil you don't. Dating, meeting new people, hanging around in a gay bar or going to the gay neighborhood in the nearest town... those are all new, and even if you can see the happiness at the end of the tunnel, dealing with new things is scary and stressful.
So it's much easier to just stay at home like you used to, pass that gay bookstore and pretend you didn't see it, intentionally mishear when your friends try to set you up, or just let a promising friendship die by not putting in the effort. I’ve done all of those and more, only to feel bad afterwards, but it was just so easy to let the opportunity slip…

Again, what helps a lot is talking to people. Tell one or two friends that you’re talking to a guy who’s pretty awesome, and next time people will want updates. That tiny bit of peer pressure can help in not letting things go as easily.

And hey, if you can’t find that peer pressure in your immediate vicinity, EC is only a click away! Talk about your plans on here, chat up people on their walls, send me (or any other staff) a PM about your plans. It makes all the difference in the world.

 

Hi there,those are the exact same feelings i got but i was 40 years old.Let me assure you "they wont go away" so you might as well act on your urges and come out to whoever you have in mind.

In my opinion you only get urges to come out once you are comfortable with yourself and ready to let them know.You say a select few know already so this may help with coming out to others.

Once you get more out and your confidence grows,you wont need to hide and push away anyone you who looks like getting close to you.

Good luck,your ready to take the next step to join us on the other side where things get alot better.

 

Forgot to add...I think it's REALLY cool that you've started moving outside your comfort zone a bit. Talking to people you met on a dating site, sometimes for hours, really doesn't sound like something you were capable of, years or even months ago. It sounds like you're definitely moving forward. I think once you gain some more confidence, you'll be less likely to start pushing them away.

Lex