http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=37709 is my story so far i've been procrastinaging writing this for a few day now a feel ashamed, i can't go to days without weed, and the days when i do are full of emotional breakdowns. i tried quiting a few days ago, i had two days sober and two of the most hellish days i can remeber. everytime i sober up i just feel terrible. i just feel pathetic that i've esentailly become an addict. knowing your a dirty addict just isn't great for my self confidence, which is mostly non-exsistant anyway. i want to be able to live without weed, because i know at the moment it's the easy option to run away from being unbareably (is that even a word? im not sure) deppresed. weed helps me avoid dealing with my issue's, which isn't a good thing. but i just can't handle feeling like shit all the time, the worst its gets to is sometimes i cry for ages and don't even know why. i just can't handel feeling that sad, it just seems nowadays that weed only gets to me to normal, not high. another issue's thats been getting to me latly is my one with trust, in my experiance most of the world is out to get you, so don't give them any amunition. i just now sometimes feel terrible that i can't even be open to them, even the ones i trust the most.i know that i can i just get anxious and become very reclusive and unsocial. i just want to be able to bare reality is that to much to ask?....:tears:
You will be able to live without weed, and without being miserable. But you also have to be realistic. As you said, weed does not do anything but help you avoid your issues, and until you're ready to actually work on the issues, you aren't going to get anywhere. You're going to have to face the emotional baggage that's stuck inside making you unhappy. And in spite of the protestations to the contrary from some of the posters in the other thread, my guess is for you in particular, you're going to eventually need to give up weed completely since you have developed a strong addiction to it. You will also be at risk for simply transferring the addiction to other things if you don't do some serious work to deal with the underlying issues. You're going to need a psychiatrist because you will probalby need antidepressants at least for the short term. And you're going to need therapy. I heard the million excuses why you couldn't do therapy but you know what? They're all bullshit. Yes, you'll probably have trust issues, yes it will likely take time for you to develop a rapport with a therapist, and yes, it will be painful and difficult to go through all of the stuff that's creating the insecurities and low self esteem. But it's basically that or be stuck in a cycle of addiction and/or misery. And you've already made clear you don't want that, so therapy is the only other option. This is not going to beo something you can resolve yourself. Basically, addicts only change when things are so bad that staying where they are is not an option. It sounds like you're getting to this point, and that's a really good thing... because it means you'll have the motivation to solve your problems. And with a good therapist and psychiatrist, you won't have to do it alone, and you won't have to do it in constant misery. You can get through this. You just have to have the courage to take the first steps.
Hey (*hug*) you're not a "dirty addict". Yes, you're addicted to weed, and yes it's not going to be a walk in the park to get yourself out of it. But there is no need to beat you on the top of it. Like many people who have some issues, you found something that was your coping mechanism (for you it's weed, for other people it would be alcohol, sex, self-harming...) and like many people your coping didn't solve your issues but became a problem in itself. No one ever wanted to be addicted to anything. And those who have been through this know what it's like for you and what you're going through right now. What is important is that you have accepted that you are addicted to weed. This is the first and the hardest step. Now that you have aknowleged that you're addicted, you're going to be able to do what it takes to get rid of your addiction, and it starts with seeking for help. You're not going to be able to do that alone. Weed was the thing you used to take to deal with your depression. Without it, not only your depression strikes back, but you're also experiencing withdrawl syndrom. You're not going to be able to handle this alone. You need people to take care of you, you need a therapy, and you probably need to be put under medication to deal with your depression and the withdrawl syndrom. This is not going to be easy, but those of us who had been through something similar would tell you that it's definitly worthy. So bite the bullet, and ask for help. Tell your doctor so that they can guide you to a psychiatrist and a therpist. And let the people who care about you know what you're going through. Tell your family, tell your friends, you're going to need all the support you can get. Let us know how you're doing an feel free to PM any of the advisors anytime if you need to talk or need extra support. Take care (*hug*), Cécile
well i dont even know where to start looking for help. i'm so ashamed that i need help. i don't want any of my family to know. i have a few friends that i might tell but im worried they'll think less of me. i know they don't aprove of drugs and stuff like that, i worried they'll treat me differently. i want to get help i just don't want people to know. the friends id trust to tell know i do drugs but not extent. and i think, they would look down upon it. they are the only ones who know how deppresed i get, but i dare not tell them out of judgement and my shame. i feel like my whole life is crashing down around me, and i can't see anything positive in my future. i want to be moving foward with my life, not vegataing most days. i know if someone backs me into a corner about this issue's ill get passed them. i just essntial phase, of asking for help and what people may think about it scares the shit out of me. i can only ever bite the bullet when somebody forces me to. i know im my own worst enemy on these issue's.
I don't remember if I threw this analogy at you before, so if I did...well, duck. Sometimes, minor physical things happen to us. We cut our finger open, or walk too much and get blisters on our feet, or we catch a cold. And when that happens, we treat ourselves. We put a bandage on, soak our feet, or sleep off the cold. No problem. But sometimes, we get bigger physical problems. We break our leg, or our appendix bursts. And when something like that happens, we go see the doctor, or go to the hospital. Nobody thinks less of us for that. I don't recall ever hearing of somebody saying "What a wuss - couldn't even fix his own broken leg." People instinctively understand that after a certain point, you need to call for help. And it works the same for mental and emotional stuff, too. Sometimes it's minor. We're a bit overstressed, or we have issues with someone at work. And when it's minor, we can usually handle it ourselves. But sometimes, the problem gets too big. We fall into a major depression or something. And the solution is exactly the same - we go get help. From somebody who's trained for this sort of thing. And again, I think people GET this. They don't think somebody going to see a therapist or a doctor for depression or addiction is "too weak" to handle their problems. I wrestled with depression a couple years back. And you know who I told? Everybody. OK, maybe not the mailman, but everybody of importance. My partner, my friends, my family, my co-workers. They all knew. I just figured "it's just like a medical issue, so I'm going to treat it like a medical issue". People don't hide their broken legs from people and pretend everything is perfect, so I didn't do so for my depression. I didn't make it the point of every conversation, but I wasn't afraid to mention it, or talk about it. And none of the people I told thought I was "weak" or somehow less of a person. They all said, "Wow, that sucks. Let me know if I can help." A few actually admitted they thought being honest about it took a lot of guts. I didn't see it that way, but I appreciated the sentiment. Don't let some misguided sense of pride keep you from doing what you need to. It's not a weak man, but a smart man, who knows when he's in over his head, and needs help to move forward. Lex
i knwo feel just terrible due to sharing my weed with a friend he got addicted to, he had never smoked it in the quantites that i do. it caused controversy with his girlfriend, they both smoke it but she smart and knew where to stop. i didn't force him to take it but i offered i him. i feel like i've also dameged his life as well. i just feel so guilty about what my addiction has caused. (unfortunatly not enough to stop smoking it though) its not pride that prevents me its shame. i just feel ashamed of what i've become, what i've caused. nobodys blamed me, i just feel like its mostly my fault as i enabled the situation.
The shame is tied to the low self esteem. If it's any consolation, there are a ton of addicts who subtlely introduce or encourage others, usually because they, at some level, feel bad about their own use and by "bringing others down to their level" try to feel better about themselves. The bottom line is, each person is responsible for his own actions, so while you may have encouraged, it was your friend's inability to say no that contributed to his own problem. You don't really need to tell any of your friends or family. You can get therapy on your own. But it will be easier if you tell others, so that they can support you. It will also provide a level of reinforcement for your commitment to yourself if you know others you care about are aware of your struggle. So the bottom line is, just take the first step. Find a therapist. Make an appointment. Tell him or her what's going on and ask for their suggestions. And then, as you feel more comfortable, you can share with your friends and family about your struggles. What's encouraging to me is you've gone from "I absolutely can't do this" to "I know I need to and I want to, but I'm afraid." That in itself is a huge step forward. And as much as your life crashing down around you is miserable, it's also what you need to motivate you to change. Without that motivation, you won't succeed. So you're in a good position to move yourself forward, and between getting therapy to help with the underlying issues, and giving up the addictions, you're poised to make some dramatic moves forward in your life.
Ok, if you don't want to tell your friends and family, that's your call. You're probably going to make it more tough for yourself than it could be, but in the end you're the only one who can decide. But not telling your friends or family doesn't mean you can't get help and support at all. The first step for you is to find a doctor and a therapist. If you're really clueless about how to do that, the phone book will do. But you also have the option to talk to your current physician so that they'll guide you to an appropriate therapist. You can also go to the closest hospital or search on the internet for the closest rehab center : these are places where you could find all the necessary informations to get rid of your addiction. You can also search for a support group for substance users in your area. These groups are anonymous and they can provide you huge help and support. Here is a link I found to UK Narcotics Anonymous : http://www.ukna.org/ They also have a helpline 0300 999 1212. And you've got EC. Don't hesitate to use the site and its member to get help and support : create threads, post on people's walls, PM the advisors... we're all here to help. Take care (*hug*) Cécile
i look at the ukna.org and i don't believe in the 12 step higher power bullshit! the twelve step program dosn't work. two mates have tried it twice and didn't help them(because thier like me higher power/god they believe its all bullshit!), what got them clean was 2 weeks camping in the middle of nowhere. i can't do that because i've no one to do it with. see i don't have an open mind when its comes to religon, to me its a bunch of crap, most religons were created to control the masses and make them civil to each other for fear of the after life. nowadays we don't need that we replaced the fear of the after life with jail, therefore fore going the original purpose of the text. most! are badly translated, because of words that either don't exsist in modern language or have become out dated by time. religon just pisses me off i geuss. i know its all about faith, i have none. i know enough about most religons to know where thier flawed, and where i think its just stupid. well today ive been without drugs from 6pm yesterday till 9 at night today, the first day in ages where i had fun, and when people tried to rain on my parade i wasn't botherd. we went to a blues festival.although at one point was nearly no going to be a pacifist anymore. some stupid 13 year old girls stole my mates hate who's birthday it was, of my friend who he let wear it(who i have a crush probs why i was massivly pissed about it) after 20 mins of chasing them we got it back. walked of reported it to police, idk why not much they can really do, but we thought we might atleast want inform them of what kinda scrots hand round there, then we just got on with our day and ignored the situation. all in all a good day, music was suprisingly good(the last time i felt this happy i was on anfetamines and finaly came out to a friend). but about half an hour after i got home i felt terrible, i had two joints all i had and i still feel this way. i just want to cry all the time, mostly for no reason. im cosidering getting drunk to see if that will make me feel better but i don't know if it will. i know that my drug problem just tends to transfer from one thing to anouther. i want to be clean but i don't want, the higherpower 12 step crap. it justs stops you from that drug, it dosn't teach you resposibility, i want to be able to trust my self round drugs not shut them out from my life. because i know if i shut them out, i will end up falling back into it later in life. like when i tried cutting using the computer out of my life completely, i racked up 8 months of attual in game play time on a shooter game. i realised i was helplless with my computer. i tried removing it completely i just started again at a later date, i weened my self of it, now i tend not to go overboard with it. i know what u might say computer addiction is nothing like a drug one well to be fair, i think i replaced my pc addiction with a drug one, but still the computer ust to be my life one hours of sleep a day all time that i wasn't at school i was on the pc, and at school i used to maximize my time on the computer aswell. i think ive just realised i never really solved my problems with the computer i just transfered them to drugs. and adivce would be much aprieceated? (soz for spelling i just suck at it is all)
I kinda sense where you're coming from here. Back when I was dealing with depression for the first time, I noticed that NOTHING made me feel better than social interaction. Every time I'd go out with friends, or family, or even went and did something that had me doing some interaction with strangers...I never felt more "normal" than I did during those times. Sometimes, I could do things solo that would help me somewhat, but nothing was better than the social stuff. So I'd say definitely keep working that angle. Do stuff with your friends a lot. When they're not available, find some other ways to interact with people. Go to a coffeeshop and chat with the person behind the counter (or the other patrons) a bit. Go to the grocery store and ask a couple questions. ("Do you carry...?") You might try going online and looking for some chat-type rooms. EC has a good one (but you'll have to apply for full member status to use it). Of course, you might need to guard against overdoing it online, but I'd say getting addicted to online chatting would probably be better for your health than anything else you're currently using to ease the pain. As for the "higher power" bit, I'm not too well-versed on that. But I believe the basic rationale behind it is basically to counteract what you're currently feeling. The idea that you're always completely in control, and that you can always control where you are. Right now, especially, you're not. You don't have to go the 12-step method if you don't want to but I do think you need to accept that sometimes we're not always driving the bus. Lex
First, I think I definitly owe you an apology for that link I put in my last post. I had been doing a quick reasearch for support groups in the UK, I had a quick look at the main page and it seemed OK, I also looked if it was owned by any kind of organisation that could raise a problem, but it didn't so I posted the link. But I obviously missed the religious side of the thing, otherwise I wouldn't have posted it, at least without a warning. I am sorry if I offended you in any ways, or if you thought it was some kind of proselytism. I should have been far more careful and I am sorry if it I hurted your feelings. Now I still think a support group would be very useful for you, especially as you seem to do better around people. But as you underlined that you tend to switch from and addiction to another (and no, I don't think starting booze instead of weed is going to help you the slightest), doing a therapy that would help you to understand the roots of your addiction issues and how to tackle them would probably be a good idea. Otherwise you may just keep repeating the same pattern over and over again, with the risk to fall in addictions that would be even more difficult to get rid of. I'm sorry again. Take care, Cécile
Cecile, you did nothing wrong. That was actually a really good call. AA and the 12 step programs work. Short of some very expensive programs involving very intense psychotherapy (15+ individual sessions/week + 7+ group sessions/week), the 12 step programs are the most successful in helping people get free of addiction. And ifyou bothered to actually look at what the 12 steps involve, you'd see that they actually DO teach you responsibility. However, if you have the idea that you can successfully become a casual user, you are probably already doomed to failure. That's every addict's claim, and it almost never works. Some people can do that, but not people with an addictive personality, and you've already described yourself that way, described your video game addiction, and you're one day off of weed and already talking about transferring your addiction to something else. So for you, the idea of "responsible moderation" will, realistically, probably not be an option. You can believe that, or you can spend another 20 years switching from one addiction to the next and likely eventually end up coming round to the same conclusion I'm telling you now. Pretty much your choice. If you look carefully, AA clearly is not defining any sort of religion; it says "God, or higher power, whatever we perceive Him to be." There are athiest AA groups, and lots of people with completely non-western views of religion and spirituality who have had great success using AA. I hear you making basically the same argument for refusing to try AA that you were using a while back to avoid therapy. And I give you the same response. It's bullshit. The 12 steps are a simple, but powerful and effective way of regaining control over your life, healing yourself, and letting go of your addiction. There really isn't any other option (except as I said above) that is as effective. So you can blow it off and say you can't do it because of ignorance about their view of spirituality, or you can open your mind and give it a try. You'll find the AA people are generally wonderful and accepting and nonjudgemental folks who will do everythign they can to help you. And right now, that seems like a good choice to me, but I'm not you. Finally, for God sake, don't start drinking. As you said, if you are going to quit smoking weed and immediately start drinking, don't even bother. With that attitude (or the idea of "occasional use"), you aren't serious about letting go of your addictions, and you might as well stay high all the time until you are finally ready to get off your ass and actually solve your problem. I'm not trying to be harsh, but you are obviously needing and wanting help, but afraid to commit to actually getting it. And it's very possible for you to have a happy, fulfilling life without drugs and alcohol... but only if you want it and are willing to do the work necessary to heal yourself. You've got people willing to help and support you, but the ultimate choice is yours.
well so far today i've manged just barely to avoid drinking. i feel like thats an acomplishment of sorts if only a small one. i'm decide to spend some time at my dads so getting high is almost impossible(the nearist person i can get it from, from his is a 3 hour bus ride away). today i havn't felt crappy at all which i think is a good thing, but i havm't felt anything positive either. i know getting out of my deppresion isn't going to be easy, but i think im on the right road now. im, making myself a deal, i wont touch anything like drugs or alcahol till, the half term break which is 7 weeks away. and even then if i still feel terrible most days im gonna try and stay clean. i feel as if i can't trust myself around drugs, and im not even going to touch them till i know i can. because i know that my deppresion, will probably get worse like my friend's did when he quit weed. im not gonna even try to recreational use drugs till i feel happy with myself. even if i do before the 7 weeks is up im still going to wait till there over. i only found out today, that ever since i started to binge on weed i lost 3 stone, idk how, i just have, maybe it was the few bits of speed i did because i couldn't properly for a week after wards on each atempt. when i say few i did it 3 times. ever since i lost this weight i always feel cold even indoors so i know thiers a problem. its kinda ironic i always wanted to lose this much weight now that i have i hate it and love it, i love the fact now i don't have a big belly, but at the same time i know im under wieght by a stone, and thats not healthy. its a dilemea i want to be skinny but i don't want to be unhealthy
I really like a lot of that post. You're removing yourself from temptation by going somewhere where pot is hard to get. You're looking to stay sober one day at a time. And sometimes, "not feeling crappy" is about all you can ask for. No, it's not a brilliant amazing fantastic day, but it sure beats the depths of despair. Do keep busy, and do keep social. Since you've been feeling cold with the weight loss, you might try a bit of exercise. Not a full-on exercise program (unless you want to), but just something to kick your metabolism up a bit. I usually find the more I exercise, the warmer I feel. You might try going for a longish walk through the neighborhood (and beyond). If you feel up to it, you might even try jogging the last block (or two) on the way home. As an added benefit, exercise will help get some of that residual gunk out of your body, and help you feel better, to boot. So give it some thought. Lex
I think Lex idea of doing a bit of exercise is an excellent one. For one thing it's going to keep you busy and may help you to get your mind of of your problems for a while. For another thing it can boost your self-confidence, usualy seeing the progress you make and seeing that you've becoming more fit can give a big confidence boost. And last but not least, doing sports makes your body produce endorphins that are hormones that makes you feel good, it can help your mood to lift up. Take care, Cécile
i tried exercise but dosn't work, it makes me feel worse because of how out of shape i am. i have no stamina due to a few years of smoking and a whole life time of lazyness. the only exercise i can do for long periods is cycle, but due to a 5 hour ride 3 weeks ago when i was off my face i broke the front tire. its alot harder cycle on the bike rim than you'd think. although im finding it almost impossible to keep myself busy, stayin at ,my dads keeps me away from drugs but it bores me shitless, thiers nothing to do that i havn't done a thousand times before. i've got to the point were masturbation bores me, really thats how little there is to do here!!! any tips for keeping busy would be much apricieated
just got some really deppersing news aparently my grades aren;t high enough to go back for a second year of college. when i found out it just made me cry. i dont know what to do
First, congratulations on the steps you've taken. As Lex said, you're on the right path. One of the most basic concepts is "Just for today." As in, Just for today, I won't drink/smoke/whatever. Each day you get up and say that. Each day you get through one more day of sobriety. And before you know it, it's a week, then a month, then a year. Secondly, dont' give up on the exercise just because you suck. I'm a lot older than you are and the first time I exercised after 20 years of sitting at a desk and being basically lazy as shit, I couldn't do more than about 15 minutes on the cardio machines. Now I can do 90 minutes without a problem. Same thing with the weight machines. You start where you're at. Maybe your whole workout is 15 minutes each time you go for the first week, then maybe 20 the next week and so forth. It took you time to get out of shape, it will take time to get back in shape. Finally, the news about your college sucks. But you're not locked out forever. Perhaps in a way, it's a gift... you can concentrate on your sobriety, get yourself in shape, spend the time working on your self esteem and other issues, so that when you go back to college, you'll be in much better condition, emotionally and physically, to do well. I know it isn't what you wanted or planned on, but as the old saying goes... when life gives you lemons, make lemonade
