Hey all. I've never asked for help like this (over the web), but after searching the internet countless times for anyone that might have a similar or the same situation as me, I've had fairly poor luck. Sorry if my post ends up long, but I've got a lot of involved venting to do, questions to ask and experience to share. Any light that can be shed on my situation, either through experience or observation, would be appreciated greatly - because I am at the point where I'm sick and tired of my friends' biases, and could use fresh views from various sources. Synopsis of the past (for background): When I was in my pre-high school days, I was a social outcast, constantly ridiculed - and constantly sought to be liked and accepted. At 15 or 16, I had not yet hit puberty. I wanted to be like other boys my age but I was not "blooming". The reason I mention this - in male puberty, the body develops and kind of leads you to attraction like a dowsing rod. The mind gets overwhelmed at first, but eventually you adjust to your body and the responses of hormonal attraction. I was not making enough Testosterone to start puberty - but by 16 my mind had already been exposed to observations of attraction, other people's development and their views and expression of attraction. After getting "T" shots for 2 years, my body had the ability to catch up - but my mind was already a victim of inter-personal influences and observations, not experience or even natural "feelings". I went for women before the shots - but never dated or hooked-up, nor did I even think in sexual terms about, well...anyone. Now throw me into a pool of hormones and the world turns upside-down from there. My first boy-crush, was around age 12. I was in the boy scouts, and I couldn't help but look at him - granted he was very androgynous looking, leaning toward more feminine. I told the guys in my camping tent that I was gay...you can imagine the result & I took it back the next day. During and after the "T" were interesting times. First 2 hook-ups were girls - and this is where everything starts getting crazy and confusing. Hook-up 1 - First time I ever smoked, and was stoned and barely remember, but she went down on me and I didn't finish. Things became awkward and I decided I didn't like her like that & stopped talking to her after that. 2nd - I don't know how to say this easily, but this was the first time I went down on a girl...and the last. This hook-up, although I've come in contact with them since, made me realize that I can't stand the smell, look or taste of, well - you get the idea. (sorry for being graphic, but it's necessary). At 17, a male friend who told me he was gay - who I became curious about, maybe interested in, but REALLY nervous to acknowledge in that way, pressured me into submitting to him sexually - he didn't do anything intense, but I was passive and uncomfortable and he took advantage. ___________________________ Fast Forward: I lost my virginity to a girl @ 18. first night of college. Also had my first consensual experience with a guy (with a girl as well) 2 weeks later. _____________________________ Now: I am 25 - been with a couple guys as hook-ups, never dated them. Dated/hooked up with women, nothing that lasted. I find myself jealous of some of the people I see who just know. They know that they are either Homosexual, bisexual, Trans, or Straight. Why cant I figure it out? Here's where some confusion is more prevalent: Women have gotten me physically aroused easily, but mentally something doesn't click - and I can barely go near a vagina with anything other then the farthest point from my face without getting grossed out. I am very passionate, romantic and sensual and not overtly sexual so the women I were with were refreshed that I would care about more then just penetration. I have always checked out guys as well. I find my eyes wander, and I fantasize about being with a man...but almost every time I'm with one, kiss one or touch/get touched in a romantic way, I can't get a physical response! Mentally I'm all aroused and all for it - but I don't get erect and start getting nervous and my mind races. I don't know why this happens. Part of me is afraid that if I cant get it up, then I'll never survive a gay relationship - I know not all men are sex-crazed, but I still can't shake nervousness about not getting an erection. I realize that I don't think I'm meant to be with a woman - especially since the part of a woman that make her such - is the part I cant handle. Its the physical arousal part that I can't figure out. I want so much to be sure of homosexuality BEFORE I COME OUT AGAIN! I've been in and out of the closet several times and my friends/family are tired of it - and so am I. *** Yikes, sorry for being such an immense life-story of a post. I left out a lot but I can clarify things if necessary. Things have been real confusing and I am at a stress boiling point, so any help would be graciously accepted.
Hi, and welcome to EC. I think you've come to the right place. Your situation is complicated by the late puberty and the need for testosterone shots, and by the resulting socialization experiences you've had. But the bottom line is, you need to try to throw out the socialization experiences (the girls/guys who have come onto you) and instead explore your own, innermost feelings. It's sounding like you're leaning more toward guys. But you're confused because you're not having the sort of physical responses you're expecting. The important thing to remember here is that sex (and arousal particularly) is probably at least half psychological. So you're likely nervous and confused, which, in turn, is affecting your ability to feel aroused. You're also somewhat inexperienced for your age, which would also contribute to the confusion. So... take a step back. Think about what appeals to you. Who are you looking at when you walk down the street, guys or girls? Do you ever find your heart fluttering? If so, is it with guys or girls, or both? When you masturbate, do you think about guys, girls, or both? If you can look at those questions and honestly answer them, you'll be a long way toward understanding yourself better. And once the answer is more clear in your own mind, then I think when you're spending time with guys, or girls, or whomever... it will be a lot easier for you to become aroused. Also, keep in mind that there's likely some residual concern about acknowledging that you are gay if, in fact, you are... and that too can affect your ability to be aroused. So it's really something that you have to take some time and understand for yourself, and whatever the answer is, get comfortable with that answer and accept yourself. If you can think about those things and clarify a little bit more, it will be easier to help you sort things out and take the next steps.
well a few questions, Are you going for girls and guys because you see them and think "hey they are attractive" or are you just having sex because the opportunity arises because the idea of sex with a guy could be nice but having sex with one your not really attracted to probably wont work out so well xD and i'd add that all of our bodies have needs and urges and can be sexually satisfied by a guy or a girl if we can get our head around it. The issue could be purely mental. The idea that having sex with a guy could be intimidating and exciting. I know i had trouble staying up during my first experience and have also been on the reverse side of that situation xD I mean you are in a situation where physically doing it feels like the "final step" in saying that you're gay. I would definitely bet that the lack of ability to get it up is in your head. I'd say stop trying to label yourself and simply go with Queer if your feeling in need of a label xD it basically covers everything that doesn't fit solidly in the gay bi or straight categories. Deal with it on this level, stop trying to group it into gender's and deal with them on the people basis. "I am attracted to that person i'm gonna go talk to them" that would be more on the level of Pansexual where you don't really look at gender.
