So I cant sleep. I have too many things on my mind that wont let me... Since I was a kid I knew there was something different in me. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep wishing that I would be normal in the morning. But obviously it wouldnt work. I hated being gay, bisexual, watever i am. I just hated being this way. No one understood me. My mom worked hard when i was a kid, and she would get home and sleep. The only time we talked were on Sunday mornings. Everyone thought and still thinks that im happy, when honestly I have been miserable since i can remember. I started getting really upset all the time when i was around 8 and I also started getting fat. I tried killing myself at 10, but i got too scared to do it. I wondered why i always felt this way. When i was around 14 i did research on what i felt and I figured out I was depressed. Little by little i filled in every symptom. I love my mom, but there are times when i want to strangle her. She thinks only she has problems and i cant have one. If im having a bad day she says that im overreacting or something. Im a very reserved person and i hate talking about my feelings to people. but recently i have been at the edge and i just want to yell. I literally feel tired everyday. I dont want to get up off bed. I feel irritated alot. Sometimes im just mad, and i feel like i have to be angry at someone. My mom, sister, and even my poor dog. As days pass by the less energy i feel to keep on going. Ive let myself go. Ive gained too much weight in the last couple of years. My mom would always try to make me go on a diet. But they wouldnt work. The reason was because when im upset i eat. So make the math, if im upset mostly everyday im bound to eat more than enough. I know suicide isnt the answer, but i have had many thoughts of bad stuff happening to me, wishing i was never born. Im just so sick of this. I was reading threads on here and i wanna know why are we all so depressed. I want to be happy, but something is stopping me. Everytime i smile, laugh, there is always something in my mind to wipe it away. The one time I felt relaxed and nice was when i smoked pot, but i only did that twice. When I started High school i thought that if i ignored my attractions i would stop being gay, and again obviously i didnt work. I graduated high school and im still in the same spot i was when i started. I have come to the conclusion of accepting myself who i am. and i still cant be happy. My last option is coming out. This is probably the only thing i could do so that i could be happy. And I have been feeling this urge to just yell it out. Im kind of ready to tell someone. But i dont know if the people I want to tell arent ready, or im not. Im sorry for the long post. I just needed to let it out, and it sort of jumps to different subjects so sorry for that too. i just want to know what you guys think?
I was in a state a little bit like this - though considerably less extreme - immediately before I came out, and I'd suffered from what I suspect would probably be clinical depression for a period prior to it (of two or three years). I'd say, if you have a friend who you've known for long enough, and well enough that you think they'd accept you, go for it. You're from LA, so chances are (some) people are going to be pretty liberal towards being gay (I'd avoid any of these NOM style people though ) Otherwise, if you feel that your friends might not be ready for it seek counseling - your school may well offer it. Oh, you have a dog? They're very accepting. I can't really remember, but I think I came out to my Jack Russell before any human. You might find it helps just to say it to something like that out loud. Still, I'd spend a bit of time just thinking about how you'd go about coming out, then do it. I found it was easier to do the first time on Facebook chat to a friend. Then, once you've come to terms with the idea, either do it, or don't, it'll be clear which to do. Sorry, that probably isn't very useful, but it comes mostly from my experience.
I'd like to know a bit more before I offer any suggestions. You've graduated high school. Are you going to college, or entering the work force? Any progress on that front yet? I will say that acceptance IS the right move, but it's only a step in the right direction. The first step is something along the lines of "This is what I am, and there's nothing I can do about it". The final step is more along the lines of "This is what I am...and that's OK." It won't be an instantaneous move, but with time, you won't just accept who you are, but you'll accept that it's OK. And hopefully start liking yourself some more. Lex
@Fringe- its funny. just today i looked my dog in the eye and told him... all he did was beg me to rub his belly.. and honestly it is advice. thanks. @Lex- well i am actually starting college Monday. and i liked your advice too...thanks
Then you might look into whether the college has a counselor you can see. I know you said you have trouble talking about your feelings, but I think it might help put you on the right path. And if you're tired of being overweight, start taking steps towards living a bit healthier. Don't starve yourself or run yourself to collapse. But take some baby steps - eat a bit less, eat a bit healthier (skip the mayo on your sandwich), walk a bit more. Lex
Well i will see about the counselor thing. And im definitely trying to eat healthier... Thanks Lex, you always give good advice
I felt the same exact way you do! You are not alone and you are right suicide is NOT the answer. I came out a week ago and I have never been happier. Of course there are still those nights when I come crashing down and cry my eyes out but its a different kind of feeling I don't feel hopeless. I came out to three people but I chose the very carefully. I cannot stress this enough DO NOT come out to the wrong person. Make sure you know that they won't completely freak out. I was extremely nervous to tell them but now I have someone to talk to and now when I laugh with them it's so genuine. You will make the right choice in the end. Good luck!
