is there light at the end of this long tunnel? :(

Welcome to EC!

Your situation with your parents is oddly not all that uncommon. They're quietly accepting...and you start wondering if there's some big unspoken thing there. Just know that your mother's dealing with it in her own way, as is your father. They might not like to talk about it much. And that's rarely because they're horribly ashamed or something - it's much more likely that parents simply don't like talking about anything sexual with their kids. (Picture talking to your parents about what things really turn them on...yeah, not pretty, is it? ) It's been my experience that things get a lot easier, oddly enough, once there's a boyfriend in the picture. Because then it has less to do with "what body part gets stuck where", and more about dating, interpersonal relationships, and love. Things parents seem to be more comfortable discussing.

As far as what you should do for yourself? It sounds like you're not interested in doing "the slutty phase". Nothing wrong with it, really, but since you're not reacting to the guys you've kissed, it seems a bit silly to try to push it further. Instead, I'd say go the Dan Savage method - wait, date, masturbate. Hold off on trying to "prove" your sexuality via jumping into bed with somebody. Feel free to get to know more gay guys, and maybe date a few. And stick with your hand until you feel like doing more with somebody.

Lex

 

First of all: Hi, Chris, and welcome to EC! I hope we can be of help in getting you feel more accepting, and enjoying yourself in the process.

I think you're doing all the right things here: acceting it for yourself, coming out to family, trying to make them as comfortable as possible... those are all great strides that you should be proud of!

I do think the key thing to notice here is that you've only been out for three days. Coming out is a roller-coaster of emotions, that takes more than three days to get through.
It's definitely not uncommon to feel a bit worse just after coming out, for example. speaking for myself, the main thought I had after coming out was "Oh Lord, what have I done? what if this will ruin my life? What if this will ruin my friends' and parents' lives?". In a sense, I guess this is because as long as you're in the closet, being gay is largely theoretical. But after you told people, you suddenly realise you've closed the door on being straight. And it takes a bit of time to mourn that "lost straightness". After the shock has worn off, and the sky hasn't fallen, and people are accepting, those thoughts do go away, and get replaced by plans for the future.

It seems your parents have already started to accept even before you came out. Hearing it from your mouth will probably still have been a bit of a shock, but their reaction looks pretty good. they're worrying, obviously, but in time, when they see you're still the same son, and that you know what yu're doing, you'll see they grow totally OK with it. I think that giving them time (and making it clear that it's a subject they can bring up anytime they want) is going to make them more comfortable.

To accept yourself even more, it helps to have people to talk to. However, even straight people don't necessarily talk a lot with their parents about relationships and attraction. It's usually a lot easier talking to friends about this. So you might consider coming out to a few friends (preferably the more accepting ones first). I can say that for me, just hanging out with friends, and talking to them about being gay as if it wasn't a big deal, was what really made me accept myself. afterwards, going home, thinking: "you know what? I'm gay, and no one cares!" is one of the best feelings in the world.
Also, if your uni has a GLBt society, it might help to attend a couple of meetings. you'll soon discover that campus is filled with all manner of cool people, who just happen to be gay as well. And again, that makes all the difference in accepting yourself.

Don't be worried about not fancying guys you kissed. Probaby you're just someone for whom romantic attraction comes first. Speaking for myself again, I know I'm gay. I do turn my head when a cute guy walks by in the street. But if they asked me to kiss them, the answer would be no. Just being hot or available isn't enough for me. On the other hand, of the couple of guys I crushed on, none of them were precisely underwear models. But they were fun, and engaging, and interesting, and that was more important than looks or whether they wanted to kiss. So the way to go for me (and possibly for you) is just to meet more gay people and see if they're angaging and fun.

Phew, this has turned out to be a reply about as long as your own post...
the short version here is that, while it's normal to feel emotional and worry just after coming out, I'm seeing a lot of good signs here. you're doing the right things, and I'm sure things will turn out for the best! (*hug*)

 

>>>I would love to meet more gay people and have more gay friends, only thing is, in Leeds the gay scene is VERY clicky and people already seem to be in their own little friendship groups. Do you think i should just go to a few gay club nights or whatever and just try and mingle?

It's easy to think that gays (or any group, really) are an impenetrable clique. But picture this - you're in a room, with four guys you know, and two guys you don't. Who do you talk to? Almost certainly the guys you know. Because you're a clique? No, just because you already know them, and it's a lot easier to talk to people we already know. The smart move isn't to wait for them to invite you in. Do the heavy lifting yourself, and go talk to THEM first.

You can do this on gay club night, sure, but it can be tough to make chit-chat over loud music. Does your uni have a gay student union? You might look to see if they have "open house" or "new member" hours. It's a good time to go in, meet some other gay students, and get to know them in a quieter setting.

Lex

 

While Lexington and Filip gave excellent responses - as they always do - I thought I'd respond because it's only been in recent months when I've really tried to come to terms with my sexuality, and very recent when I managed to tell anyone, so I know where you're coming from. Only three people know actually so I'm still essentially closeted.

Your post really struck a chord with me, I could relate to a lot of what you said. I've felt this way for years, and sometimes I still do. Even last night I found myself questioning my sexuality in my head. It's a feeling of "what if I've got it wrong after telling people?". "What if I come out and I turn out not to be gay?" Even when I've went over it a thousand times in my head that I'm sexually attracted to the male body and not the female body, still I keep asking myself. Its strange, one minute I feel entirely comfortable about being gay, happy that I've came out to people and a feeling of determination to come out to others and the next I'm plagued with self doubt, think I've made a terrible mistake and wish I could take it all back. I've actually thought to myself that I could be asexual, but I've made numerous visits to the AVEN website, browsed the forums and I can't relate to what a lot of the people there say. I've thought about this a lot and I think it's just a part of me that still clings to not wanting to be gay, for whatever reason.....I know what you mean when you (or your friend I should say) said that the person that "has the biggest problem with you being gay is yourself". Even when I've accepted that I'm gay and started to tell people, still there's a voice there that plants a seed of doubt, yet the people I've told so far didn't seem too bothered by it at all. Maybe we can be a bit guilty of making it into too much of a big deal.

I too have never been with a guy, and to be honest I can't really think of anyone in particular that I had a crush on or anything.....I feel attracted to some guys, I find certain guys "hot" and all that but there's never been anyone that I've longed to be with or anything. I once felt very strong love for someone who happened to be male but it was before I even thought about being gay, I'm pretty sure that it was platonic. Anyway, that's beside the point. I can relate to what you say, because I've never really felt in love with anyone, or been with anyone, so I still can't help but question my sexuality. But I don't think you need to in order to know your sexuality, at the end of the day its down to which gender you feel sexually attracted to and I know that it's males and so I know I'm gay. I guess these things will happen in time.

I've rambled on and on and I'm sorry my post is not structured or fails to address the issues the way I wanted to, I'm sure there was more I wanted to say and I probably could have phrased it better but I'm too tired to change it. Basically, I really know where you're coming from, but I think it just takes time. In time I've learned to live with myself (at least some of the time) whereas before everyday was a struggle.....I think I've just about come to terms with it and I think as time goes by the doubt, the depression of it all will just ebb away. And at some point, hopefully, that special someone will come into your life and really confirm it . So I know how you feel and I'm sure there's many others on here who feel or have felt the same way.....blah, I'm off to bed

 

Hold there for a minute!

It's already a bit of a misgiving that parents necessarily want something out of a child. In most cases, parents don't have children based on calculations which returns they get on investment :icon_wink

What most parents really want, is to see their children live happy and fulfilled lives. And a lot of the time they're sure that, being older and wiser, they know what the correct path is to happyness, namely the same as they took, without any of their mistakes. going to school, doing well in further studies or jobs, and the ideal story of "in love, engaged, married, kids, white picket fence" etc... Those are just the trappings they associate with being happy, rather than ends unto themselves.
And any challenge to that idea can be met with fear, bargaining, anger or mourning for dreams that will never come to pass.

Now, what happens a lot in situations of coming out is that you need to reverse the roles a bit and be the parent here. Educate them. Make it clear that this in no way means you will end up unhappy. Not in the "standard" way, perhaps. But you're happy with who you are, you'll end up meeting a fabulous boyfriend and be happy with him. If you want kids, then it's the 21st century, and gay people have tons of options to get kids too! (And if you don't want kids, then that's perfectly fine. Lots of straight people don't want kids either, after all). As soon as they see that you'll be happy, they tend to come around more and more.

Them not bringing it up is logical. What are they going to say after all? "Well, son, still gay today?" or "That new neighbour kid is pretty cute, no?". Those just aren't things parents ask their kids. And they already brought up the more pertinent questions about discrimination, AIDS, and whether you're really sure. What you're seeing right now is the situation normalising to the normal state of parents not talking about sexuality all that much.

You mention not really feeling a lot when facebook-stalking (if you'll excuse me using that term ) the guy you fancy. but that seems pretty normal too. You're dealing with a lot right now. Having people know, trying to put them at ease, and wondering how to proceed from here take a lot of energy. Which just isn't compatible with longingly staring into the eyes of you crush's picture. Even if you're not looking to date guys right this instant, if you're still looking at guys and getting off to gay porn, I think it's pretty safe to say you're gay, though :icon_wink

 

That is a really good idea! It's something I now find myself wishing I would have ever done. In fact, even though I came out over a year and a half ago, I think I might just try and tell my mom how coming out made me feel anyway (sadly, so far she hasn't been very accepting...)

I'm not sure if it's best to literally tell them that you feel your accepting depends on theirs. That might put pressure on them, and make them feel like you're not really happy about it yourself (okay, that's partially the truth, but the focus should be on how you see good things in the future).
Maybe it's best to focus on how relieved you felt at not having to lie to them, and how you hope this will improve things both for them and for you.