I've been dating this guy for a month now and it's been absolutely amazing - he is so perfect for me and treats me so well. The only problem with him is he hasn't been in a relationship for more than 2 months. He told me after awhile he just doesn't feel anything - and that scares me a lot. We've both proclaimed our love several times and I know it's a true thing - but I can't understand how it just disappears - because I feel I could be with him for awhile... Another thing he told that instantly crushed my heart was that we'll both be going to grad school in 2-3 years, and that he can't date me when that time occurs - it's a long time from now but I mean if we still love each other at that time, we can't just end it like that, right? He said it wasn't a "moving on" type of situation, but that's what it comes off to me. When we talk about these two topics, I can't help but cry because it seems like he's expecting it to end, and I love him so much I can't lose him and I know he feels the same way...
In any relationship there is always the "honeymoon period" where you both feel like you are floating and can think of nothing but each other. This is wonderful, but it can't last forever as you would not be able to get on with everything else in life. It's completely natural that this will fade, but hopefully it will be replaced with a very strong partnership, closeness and respect for each other. It is this that carries a relationship forward, not the initial headiness. Unfortunately some people think that once the honeymoon period is over, that the relationship is over. Sometimes it is, when there is not enough common ground to be able to move on (you find you are not compatible, find each other irritating etc). Maybe he has not met Mr Right before and it did die out naturally. Or maybe he didn't see the transition and let a good thing go. As to which way it will go - only time will tell. I know it's easy to say, but try to live for today and enjoy what you have now. Worrying about what may happen will spoil what you have now, which could make you more likely to split up. I wouldn't worry too much about what might happen in 2-3 years time. If you are still together then, your relationship will probably be strong enough to bridge the distance and the periods apart.
I should preface this by saying that the below is solely my personal opinion and that I'm sure other people have different takes on relationships. That being said, read on: Although I see it happen a lot, especially with people who are new to relationships, I think it's a really bad idea to start off a relationship expecting things to last forever. Obviously I can understand the desire for a relationship to last--I don't think many people enter into one hoping it will fail. But expecting the person you're with to be "the one" (and only) is putting a huge amount of pressure on something that usually starts off in a pretty fragile state. Good relationships are by and large a lot of hard work, and the kind of work that isn't made easier by huge expectations. So I really have to shake my head when I hear about people my friends date talking about moving in together after... one MONTH. Quite frankly if I were dating someone and they started talking about moving in together before we'd spent a YEAR together, let alone a month, I'd freak. That's not because I don't want to live with a partner; that's because I know that living with someone is a whole different animal from dating them. The whole reason there is this concept of "dating" (which used to lead to "going steady") is because people have to figure out how to work together as a couple. Some things will come naturally, others won't. If you have lucked out into a really good match, a lot of things will come naturally. But people can't force things to be super-duper great 100% of the time and expecting them to be is a surefire way of guaranteeing they won't be. Rushing a relationship because you want it to be more than it might be meant to be is a really great way to prematurely end a relationship. Like they say about people, you shouldn't try to change them--the key is to work towards accepting them. The same can be said for relationships: instead of assuming what kind of relationship you and the person you're dating share, work instead on discovering what kind of relationship you have. My last boyfriend and I lived about 4 hours apart and I was initially very reluctant to date him because of that. However, we tried it out and it lasted 2 years. I also knew when I started dating him that he was going to be going to grad school 1.5 years from then. If I had been cynical, maybe I wouldn't have tried to date him because it would have been easy to assume there was a shelf life on our relationship even before it started. Instead, I decided it was worth the risk and I went for it. Not only am I glad that I did, we stayed together after he went away to grad school because it happened that grad school was about the same distance away from me as where he'd been living before was. But I don't think this particular relationship would have worked if either of us had assumed we were going to be "together forever." In fact, I think that by acknowledging that we might not be together forever, we managed to forge a relationship that lasted a lot longer than either of us expected. I know for some people 2 years isn't that long a relationship but it was and still is my longest, and it is definitely the most major romantic one in my life. So I guess my point is you have to let a relationship be what it is and not force it into being something different. That doesn't mean you don't have hopes and desires about the relationship; it just means you have to, in many respects, go where the relationship takes you, gently guiding it with nudges rather than attempting to rein it in to follow a very strict and predetermined path.
That helped a lot, really - thanks! Now here's another situation I want your opinion on: you mentioned living together after one month, it's really funny you say that because my b/f wants to live with me next year because this year is our last to live in the dorms. (he's not my roommate now) But he's suggested before our official "one month anniversary" that we live together next year - and I'm really not sure what to think: I have both sides of how I feel shouting their opinions at me! Part of me really wants to live with him, because it wouldn't be a really personal thing, we'd be living with 2 other guys we both know (straight too) and we'd have our own rooms so there's that aspect. I'm wary from that because if something were to happen and we split up - things will be extremely awkward for one and if he were to find someone else (serious or flingy - which he has been before) then I will be pretty jealous and bitter and it wouldn't work. Another reason not to is one of the other roommates is hesitant on the idea too because of the same reason I have. I don't know when we put in our request to live in these apartments but even if something were to happen this summer, we'd be stuck together in the same place and for me it would suck - I'm sure we'd still be friends but it'd be so weird because we've been through so much as it is so far. So should we or shouldn't we?? Opinions: GO! haha
Hey, if you guys are still together this time next year then it may be worth thinking about renting a place together. You'll know each other well enough by then to be able to decide whether it's a good idea or not. A year is good - it's not like he's suggesting you live together next month. It's an idea to keep in the back of your minds though. It's too soon to decide what you'll be doing in a year's time. However if he is suggesting things for a year's time then he obviously thinks this is going to last.
If you have to start the ball rolling right now, I would advise against it--it's just too early. If you can wait until fall after you guys have been together a while, it might be worth considering. That being said, as you've identified there are some relatively major issues, like how things would play out if you broke up while living together. I don't think that's a reason to categorically reject the idea. Just like it's not terribly useful to assume you'll be together forever, it won't make for much of a relationship if you assume you'll break up, either. What you need to ask is: What are the pros of living together and do they outweigh the cons? And are your straight friends going to become gay because of all the pheromones you and your boyfriend will be giving off? Oh okay, maybe the last point isn't so much a concern as it is good fantasy material.
