All day I have been anxious about so many things. Yesterday I got some good insight about how best to reveal my sexuality to someone. I was feeling good about it last night, but when I woke up this morning my nerves were really shot. I havent eaten, Im not drinking, Im exhausted and as I type this I am shaking all over. I dont know why I am suddenly so jumpy, I just got up this morning, and felt like crap. I have had far too much on my mind today. The whole deal with coming out, every time I think about I get short of breath, my pulse speeds up and I cant sit still. I cant even devote myself to anything productive. I have 5 assignments that I very well could and should be doing right now, but I cant even steady my hands. This coupled with unrelated concerns about school is unsettling me immensely. I have just had an argument in a thread, I wont bother going into details, but I feel as though I cant be accepted anywhere. I wanted somewhere to go to be myself, until I could be myself outside. But I am starting to have my doubts that everybody will be as accepting as I expected. I figured that people in a similar situation to me would have some compassion for what I am going through, I figured that people would understand and not scrutinise me for my differences. But I jus dont know anymore. I have never had a panic attack before, and I dont know if deeming this as such is entirely appropriate, but thats what it feels like. I cant breath, I'm shaking all over and I'm jittery as a fly in a spider web. I just dont know what to do. I'm lost, completely lost. Its the worst feeling I have ever felt, and I dont know how to make it stop. I dont know what may be accomplished by posting this, and I dont know if anyone can give anhy advice to help. But I just felt I needed to get it out somehow. ---------- Post added 4th Sep 2010 at 05:48 PM ---------- As it turns out, that argument was a simple misunderstanding, blown out of proportion by my screwed up brain. But I still feel so horrible. The thing that was making me panic so much is gone, yet I am still in such a state. What is wrong with me.
Hi there! First off, I would like you take a couple of deep breaths, and try to sit down somewhere and close your eyes. While you are doing that, keep taking a couple of deep breaths, and try to think about something that allows you to feel at ease and relaxed. Do this for a couple of minutes. I want you to know that you are accepted here and yes you can totally be yourself here. This is what EC is for. Sometimes, misunderstandings can lead you to feel that you are not being accepted or feel that some are not accepting you, but it happens and all you really can do is put it behind you. Things will be fine. (*hug*) Trying to come out and trying to understand it all can produce a lot of stress and pressure on you. Try to take it day by day and step by step. When you get the feeling that things just get too much, take a step back, sit down somewhere, and again take a few deep breaths and try to notice your breathing patterns. It can really help you to calm down a bit and get out of the feeling of it all getting to much. The thought of your 'first coming out' is perhaps one of the most difficult ones, because you are trying to let go of something really personal and you are trying to trust someone with it. Remember that while you are trying to do that, you are also (perhaps) battling your own internal homophobia, i.e. the part of you who wants to remain in the closet. But here is thing. If you take it slow, and try to approach it step by step, it could help you. Maybe try standing in front of the mirror, and say out loud, "I want to come out to a friend or someone," and see how you feel. If you feel nervous or feel short of breath, take a step back and give it a couple of days. Then, give it another try. Doing that, you allow yourself to get used to the idea of coming out and you are also giving yourself the chance to 'feel' as to whether you are ready. Coming out is not a race, rather it is about how you feel and as to whether you feel ready to start your coming out process. From what you have said, I think it would be good if you give yourself a bit of extra time. Given the responses that you are experiencing, I think it would be a good idea if you would try talking to a counselor at school about your coming out process. Talking to a counselor could help you in making sense of things better and perhaps realizing that you might have already some support among your friends or family. I hope this helps a bit! (*hug*)
Thank you for the helpful advice. Its working to an extent, but I'm still quite edgy. I have calmed down, my head isn't going at a mile a minute anymore, but I'm having trouble maintaining a calm body. Im still shaking and my heart is scrambling around like a headless chicken, my breathing has slowed though, which is good. Anyway enough about that. Thanks, so much. It just gets so overwhelming sometimes. What with school, family, my social life and my identity issues, I just get swallowed up. To tell you the truth though, this is the first time I have experienced such unrest, I was really scared for a while there. Unfortunately I cant find any information about school counseling in my student diary. It lists the counsellors name but I wouldnt even begin to know how to organise a meeting. Oh well, I guess its just something I'll have to work out on Monday. (If I have any free time that is) But I ramble so. Thank you for the advice, I feel a lot better. Although unfortunately I still feel quite edgy, I'll be able to get over it soon enough.
Glad it is helping and that your breathing has slowed down a bit. (*hug*) If you are still feeling edgy, keep trying to take deep breaths and try to keep relaxing for a while longer. What might help you as well, is try lying down, while taking deep breaths and having your eyes closed. Try following the rhythm of your breath. Try to concentrate on that. Doing that for a few minutes or for how ever long you feel you need to, can help you to feel a bit more relaxed. Try not to think about everything all at once. Take it one thing at a time. All of the things you have listed are things that can cause a lot of stress and uneasiness. Whenever it gets too much, just remind yourself that in time you will be able to address each of the issues you are facing. To organize a meeting, you can contact a counselor or go to the counseling office and make an appointment. Maybe try going in on Monday or the in the coming days, and try making an appointment with a counselor. Hope you will be able to see one soon. And remember, whenever you feel scared or feel it becomes all to much, feel free to write it all out. Sometimes, that in itself can provide for some relief. (*hug*)
First of all, I agree with Mirko's advice above. And (yes, it's easy for me to say), don't be distraught about panicking slightly! You just had a lot on your plate today. I remember that when I joined up, it did not necessarily calm my nerves at first. In fact, my mouse hovered above the self-delete more than once. Because, even just making an online profile (even if you don't put any personal pictures or info up), listing yourself as gay, and talking about coming out is making the whole thing more concrete. Beforehand it was all a theoretical exercise in your own mind, and then it suddenly becomes :"O my god, I'm really making plans to go through with this". One would have anxiety for less Also, don't worry too much about online disagreements. I've read that thread, and I can see where it went wrong. Both you and other posters jumped to conclusions. But this is, after all, online conversation and people lack body language. They can't immediately ask for responses, and don't hear the inflection of your voice. hey might have had rough days themselves (yes, aside from being gay online, most of us have social lives )Misunderstandings happen. and after you've ceared them out, it's best to just leave them behind as learning experiences. I sincerely think that most people here are accepting, but it just takes some time to get to know each other. So, eat and drink something (even if you don't feel like it), and rest assured: things always turn out OK in the end! (*hug*)
Thank you so much. I have calmed down quite a bit. A good book does wonders. (Of course the neighbors havent helped much. Damn music!) I plan to make an appointment with the councellor if I can, and I hope I stick to that plan. Its just that this is the first time I have even let wiff of my sexuality, I havent even told myself in the mirror. The words have not even escaped my mouth. (To my knowledge at least) But it is just so much to go through in the course of a few days, finding such a community, opening up such intimate details that no-one knows about barring myself and the people at EC. Its funny the way you can shut something out, and then, with just a tiny push, make an enormous descision. I wish there was some way I could return the favour. I feel that you have been so helpful to me in even the short space of 2 days. Yet I have performed nothing in return. Ah, but again I rabble on. Thank you so much.
It can help to say it out loud to yourself. Maybe just mouth it at first. Or try it when you're alone (not whispering it, but saying at full normal level, in a mirror). For me, saying it out loud was a pretty big thing, and I only did so after being asked to try it by another member (mind you, I already came out to people. I just didn't ever use the word "gay"). My heart raced, and I blushed as I tried it. But I'm glad I did it. Maybe wait until you're calmed down and alone to try it, though. Oh, but you are returning the favour! You're on here, posting, adding to threads! We need good users who enjoy themselves. Having you here, posting, offering your perspective is all we need
To the coming out part, take your time. You are in no rush. It's not a race. The world will wait for you. You absolutely must get fully comfortable with your own sexuality before you try and take it to the rest of the world. Coming out starts within, then it goes external. Humans are funny creatures in that we take so many of our cues from each other. My business partner is really good at putting this to good use.. she can find a way to tell someone that their dog just died in a way that will make them happy! If you project to the world that you are uncomfortable with being gay, or it's a curse or a burden, they will pick up on this and even just subconsciously, they will register that it's not good for you. On the other hand if you're happy and comfortable with being gay.. and if you're telling them rather than asking them for their approval when you come out to them.. then they will pick up that this is good for you and they are more likely to be at ease with it. Like I said, humans are strange but predictable animals. This is just my suggestion, but I would drop every thought of coming out for now. Work on yourself - this is between you and you. Go to the resources section of this website and spend some time reading the coming out process and some of the coming out stories. Have a look at my own story which I posted to my blog - I have come a hell of a long way in 2010. Read through the forums here and find out what it means to be gay, and what it doesn't mean.. make sure you have a good grasp of the whole stereotype thing and where you do and don't fit in that. Learn that gays and lesbians are normal people with an interesting aspect to them.. but just one of many things that make each of us individuals. Learn to be proud of the things that differentiate you from the rest of the world.. including your sexuality. Ask questions here on EC.. I've learned that no question is too ridiculous or bold here.. so take advantage of this. Then start practicing in front of that mirror.. start saying "I'm gay" out loud to yourself. It might feel awkward at first, and it might even hurt.. because it will force you to actually consider the possibility that this is who you are.. but keep at it. Trust me, it will come with time. As you do this, look for an ally in your life, someone you can trust to be the first person you come out to. It could be a close friend, a sister or brother, or even one of your parents if you're close. Look for someone that you are emotionally open with, someone with who you usually share inner thoughts. You'll do yourself a favor by ensuring that your first coming out goes well.. it will give you a good confidence boost to take on the rest of them. And most of all - be patient. Give yourself all the time you need to get comfortable with this. There is no deadline, so take your time. I screwed up on that part and I paid for it.. I basically "came out" to a couple of people before I came out to myself.. and I promptly went back into the closet for a year after that.. until one day I realized that I was still ashamed of being gay.. so I came to EC and I got that fixed! Good luck and if you ever need someone to talk to about any of this, I'm here for you!
Well the trouble is that I really feel that I want ot come out, very much so. But my biggest problem is, who to come out to. My closest friend I am severely out of contact with,(funny because she only lives 1km away) and my other friends I dont feel confident telling. I dont think I am even near ready to tell any family members. See my dilemma, at the moment I'm locked in the closet, and the key is locked out. But I think I may just have to bide my time, waiting, just waiting for someone to venture into my bedroom and discover that I have locked myself in, hand me the key and help me out.
Yeah.. but you don't sound to me like someone who is totally comfortable with being gay yet. Maybe I'm wrong.. but if you're not, then it's premature to worry about who to come out to first. Or, more correctly, I know who you should come out to first - yourself! Don't put the cart before the horse like I did.. trust me, it will trip you up later on..
Well, I KNOW I'm gay, but sometimes it feels like I know it but my brain doesnt, if you know what I mean. I have no attraction to women, vaginas are indeed rather icky. And I am strongly atttracted to men, penis FTW. But I dont really FEEL gay, sort of, I dont feel like I am any different from a straight person. Which is true, there is little to nil difference between straight and gay. But I expected when I decided I was gay, to feel, well, different. I really need to tell someone though. I mean its all well and good to tell strangers online. Actually, why is it easier to tell complete strangers, online, through a text box? Never wuite got that. But yes, maybe I should have a long, hard (teehee) think about things. ---------- Post added 5th Sep 2010 at 12:08 AM ---------- I am absolutely, 200% sure that I will be accepted if I tell someone. I live in a very openminded community. But for some reason I am still anxious about telling anybody. I just dont want it to be too awkward being around people that know I'm gay. I have maybe 1 homophobic friend, and he is about as homophobic as a dead squirrel. Of course one friends Dad is apparently extremely racist, and I dont know if it has rubbed off on him, or if that racism is also homophobic.
