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Guys, seriously, how can I stop hating myself???

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GoinStag, Sep 5, 2010.

  1. GoinStag

    In Loving Memory

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    I can't explain how shitty I feel about myself. I wish I had someone else's life. I hate the way I look. I hate my fucking gopher looking teeth. I hate my ears. I hate that I'm too hairy. I cana't get good grades. I fucking failed 9th grade and had to redo it and got f's again. I don't feel like I have any good qualities.

    I don't want this life I want a different one. I don't feel like I'm good enough for you guys or anyone else for that matter. I feel like I have to say interesting shit just so I can keep your attention. I sometimes feel like I'd be lucky if anyone wanted me.

    I'm best friends with one of the hottest girls in school and she said one time "Gabe, y'know you're not ugly" but that doesn't change how I feel. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so awkward about looking in the mirror. I feel embarrassed about seeing my reflection. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I have no good qualities. All I do is sit around on EC all day or listen to music. I feel like when I don't go out on the weekends I'm a fucking loser. I'm just so shy. I hate my smile and my laugh. My family deserves better than me, and if I was better they wouldn't have all these negative feelings for me.

    I can't name anything good about myself besides "I can come up with funny 'come-backs' really quickly and 'tell people off'" and that's fucking immature. I feel like I don't have any good qualities :frowning2:

    What do I do? What do I do to make myself feel better about myself? How do I learn to love myself? I'd do anything to be able to look at myself in the mirror without being put off.

    Can someone please help me? I seriously, seriously need some help :icon_sad:
     
    #1 GoinStag, Sep 5, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2010
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there! (*hug*)

    The first thing you have to learn is to like yourself. Accept the things that you can't change, while working on the things that you can change and have control over.

    Rather than seeking out all the things that you don't like about yourself, start seeking out the things that you do like, and it doesn't matter what they are. I'm pretty sure you do have some good qualities. We all have them, it is just a matter of finding them.

    If your best friend tells you "Gabe, y'know you're not ugly", take it all in. Look at yourself in the mirror, and say out out loud the exact words that your friend told you. Maybe say "my friend told me I'm not ugly. She is right. I'm not." Yes, it might feel awkward or uncomfortable looking at yourself in the mirror, but as you do that, and start highlighting the positives about yourself (and the more often you do that) the less awkward it will become.

    The next thing, I want you to do, is to start picking out things that you observe about yourself. Start by observing yourself in the mirror and smile. Once you have done that, take a step back, and say out loud, "hey that smile wasn't bad." After a few days, do it again and then say, "hey, I like that smile" and keep doing that until you feel differently about your smile. From there, move to your laugh. From there, move onto all the other things you don't like about yourself, such as your ears and your gopher looking teeth.

    The trick is to realize that the things you don't like about yourself, others might actually like. Recognize that and remind yourself about that. If your friend tells you you look good, or 'I enjoy spending time with you' or 'I really enjoyed the get together', take it all in.

    Is there anything that you like doing? Do you have a favourite hobby? If you don't, find one. Think about something that would give you a sense of enjoyment? Pursue it and talk about it with your friends. If you can, join a club/activity at your school or the community centre. Seek it out, join it, and try to enjoy it. It doesn't matter how good you are at it. What matters is that you enjoy it and can (as Lex says) own it. And that's important. Having a sense of ownership over something, will give you a sense of fulfillment and it will also allow you to feel good about yourself.

    Set yourself some realistic goals. They don't have to be large goals. For example, if you decide to pick up jogging as one of your hobbies. Set yourself a goal, maybe of wanting to be able to jog five kilometers. Start doing it, every day, until you reach that goal. Maybe on your first couple of tries you only jog 600 or 700 meters. That's okay. You can build on that and as you keep trying, you will build on that and it gives you something to look forward to. The point is, that once you set your goals and start working towards reaching them, you will start feeling differently about yourself, because you are accomplishing things that gives you a sense of fulfillment. And you can do this virtually with any hobby that you decide to pursue.

    The thing is, no one is perfect. We all have our insecurities and 'faults.' But the thing is, once we start accepting our faults and the things we are not so great at, and start concentrating on the positives and things that we excel in and enjoy, we start not only liking ourselves, but eventually loving ourselves.

    Start concentrating on the things that you like. Start taking in all the positive comments about you that your friends are telling you. Use them, to build up your self-esteem. Reinforce that self-esteem with things that you like doing and give you enjoyment and a sense of fulfillment. Do them everyday and at the end of each day, stand in front of the mirror, and remind yourself that you had fun and enjoyed doing the things you did.

    As for your school work, you know what you need to do to get your grades up. This is another thing you can actually use to build up some self-esteem. Study for the exams, and do all of your assignment. If you have to, prepare a study schedule. Set yourself some realistic study goals for every day and for each week. Keep to that schedule, and take not of all the tests and assignments that you might need to complete. Give yourself extra time to complete and/or study for them.

    Maybe talk to your teachers about a study plan as well and if there is something you don't understand or feel you need more help on, ask for that help. Ask your teachers to explain things to you or ask them to provide you with more examples. There is no shame in asking for help or admitting that you need some extra support/help.

    Often times, it is really just a matter of trying and giving it your best. See, trying and giving it your best, is all that matters and counts. Be proud of trying and giving it your best. Just doing that, you might discover that you can excel in certain subjects and be pretty good in them.

    I hope this helps a bit. (*hug*)
     
  3. rerocks

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    I typed the below before I saw the above. Indeed, you'll probably hear the same advice twice/three times/umpteen times but reiteration is still good :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    A lot of people go through these feelings during their teenage years (on different levels, yours may be worse because of your diagnosed depression). You realize this, I am certain. And you probably realize that being gay makes it even tougher (another "burden" since you are currently not out). But this is all only temporary. Back on the depression thing: I know very little about clinical depression, I do hope you get that figured out because to me, it is a big burden you have to being happy. BUT I bet it is something you can figure out, treat, and overcome (so also only temporary)

    What you need, and what worked for me, is some hobby or outside interest to keep you busy and something to constantly work at. Something to be proud of. This will give you confidence and develop "something good about yourself." But realize there is already a lot that is good about you, you just have to let it develop. Others can help with this but it really takes YOU to make move forward your own plan or passion.

    Your appearance: awkward teenage years is not a myth. Just don't concern yourself about it and you'll grow into your own skin (and ears, possibly :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:). Hair can be shaved, but either way isn't necessarily a bad thing (many like hairy men). If you don't like your teeth: see a dentist (I don't know exactly what you don't like about your teeth but they can be shaved down a bit if they're actually too big...). If you have acne, go to acne.org. If you feel fat/want to be more muscular: go to the gym (a great hobby to get into). If you don't dress well, try everything you can to get a job/money and then do so. I'm just saying, chances are, if you lead a healthy life and take care of yourself you're not going to be ugly. And of course everyone is different and you don't have to fit into a certain mold to be attractive, etc. :slight_smile:

    Don't worry so much about failing your classes. Very few people really feel they fit in high school (academically or socially), it can be a rough time. I, myself, hated school until college. The format of high school sucks and can be very boring/monotonous imo. What helps is that (usually starting junior year) you can have the chance to get out of high school for at least half the day, either to a vocational school or local college as a post secondary student (if you hate high school like I do, my advice is look into those options)

    There's a lot more that can be said here, but this is getting long. I think the biggest thing is finding a passion. it really helps the most in creating your self identity which is a foundation of true happiness.
     
    #3 rerocks, Sep 5, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2010
  4. Bario

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    You dont sound like an unappealing person to me.
    I reckon, the only way you will ever truly know that you put people off, or that you are ugly or a bad person, is if you die at the age of 80, completely alone. Now that is a long way away, and an impossible situation, so dont worry about it.
    I have issues with my body, quite a few actually, but I dont let them swallow me up. I wish I was thinner, more approachable and that I was more attractive, but honestly, I dont give 2 shits about it. I let it roll of me like water off a ducks back.
    In my opinion, you arent an offputting person until someone says so, and anyone who says you are is an absolute moron. Someone out there will like you. In fact, I would wager that many people you are friends with, know, or just see at school, like you a lot.
    I dont know if this will help much, I hope it does, but it is just my opinion on the matter. To quote someone whos name I have forgotten, "Dont worry, be happy!"
     
  5. peaceandlies

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    I used to have the same problem. Depression when I was 13, not to mention supressed sexuality driving me crazy. But I think I found the most important thing was coming out. It meant i totally accepted that part of myself. that leaves you free to sort out the rest of you're life - whatever the problem might be.

    You seem like a nice guy, so i'm going to say your problem is inside.

    Whenever someone asked me a couple of months ago "What makes you unique", I would stutter and have to think for ages. i probably wouldn't come up with an answer. but then suddenly, everything clicked. i figured out what made me who i am, and i was proud of it.

    so my advice to you is to figure out what makes you special. everyone has these little things, you just haven't figured out yet why anyone should like you for them.
     
  6. Leon481

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    I said this in another thread but it bears repeating. It's normal to hate yourself and your body when you're a teenager. Your body and mind aren't fully developed yet and that's nothing to feel bad about. In a couple of years, you'll grow into your body, your hormones will stabilize, and you'll be able to see things, and possibly yourself, more clearly and be able to get a better handle on things.

    One thing to keep in mind. Teenagers place a lot of importance on their achievements and what they can do. The fact is, when you get older, that doesn't matter nearly as much to most people. Most people live dull boring lives and never accomplish much after high school, so at that point accomplishments and talents matter much less than personality. Even if you haven't gotten good grades or you don't do much now, it doesn't mean you're worthless or unlikeable. It just means you haven't accomplished as much as others, which won't necessarily matter so much in the long run. Those accomplishments may have an affect on your future career, but have little effect on your value as a person.

    You actually seem like a pretty great person, so if you can't find something to like about yourself in what you've accomplished or how you spend your time, look at your personality and see what you like there. There's probably a good bit to like.

    Oh, and don't underestimate the value of "I can come up with funny 'come-backs' really quickly and 'tell people off'". That can actually be a really valuable talent that a lot of people wish they had. I know I do.
     
  7. KnightAssassin

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    First of all grades dont say how smart you are , i was in talanted and gifted but still scrape by with d' and f's . secondly i really like hairy guys

    If nobody wanted you why would anybody post here or why would you be friends with one of the hottest girls in school ? I know how you feel about saying interesting things , i do the same things with actions . try learning something exotic instead of saying something weird maybe it could be a martial arts nobody heard of , maybe a sport people are unfamiliar with if you need the attention .PS about this maybe you could jion your schools quizbowl if you learn interesting things .

    I am just going to say everyone thinks like that sometimes . BUT what about positive feelings , i bet you can find someone in you family that you can make laugh or make a breakfeast for [ if you can't cook then just do something simple like eggs and bacon or even cereal ] IF you think the are negative about you then do something positive


    Your creative , maybe try to hone that into another form of expression if you dont like it , maybe you could learn to write something or maybe you could come up with a comedy show . Look at family guy , i dont care how you feel about it but you must recognize it is still making alot of money so think no matter how immature something is you can still make it useful
     
  8. flymetothemoon

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    I'm sorry that you feel that way about yourself, because I know how awful it feels and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But know that there ARE things you can do to help fix it. You've gotten a lot of good suggestions above. Definitely work on finding a hobby that you really enjoy and you can do and feel proud of. If you're creative (you mentioned you can come up with funny comebacks quickly), try writing something. Or maybe doing a small comedy act if theres an open mic night or something in your area that would be accepting of something like that. If you like music (you mentioned you liked listening to it), maybe try to learn to play an instrument or sing. Another great suggestion was the one about slowly trying to find the positives and looking at all the things you don't like and telling yourself you do. The more you tell yourself you don't like something, the more you will think about the negatives. If you look at all of the positives you will be more likely to see that stuff in your everyday life.

    If none of this helps you at all, it might be time to talk to someone also. It sounds like you could potentially just be going through awkward teenage years where it isn't uncommon to feel like this, but many of the things you're saying could also be signs of depression, and it's not a bad thing to seek professional help if this might be the case. Depression can make you see yourself as a bad person and that can make it so you just don't WANT to do anything, including school. I know from personal experience. I'm usually a good student, but I failed two classes in college because I just didn't want to do anything because of my depression. I didn't get out of bed to go to class, I didn't do the work, etc. I didn't like who I was, and I didn't want to do anything, even the things I liked most. If that sounds familiar, like you've lost interests recently as well, it might be time to talk to someone and see if they can help you.
     
  9. Lexington

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    Small consolation, but hardly anyone is really happy with the cards they're dealt. It seems everybody focuses on the negatives they get. I once saw a list of Hollywood A-List beautiful people talking about what they thought of themselves during their teenage years. And it was nearly surreal. Not only did nobody say "I liked everything about myself", but the responses were downright brutal. They didn't say "Well, I kinda wished my nose was a bit straighter." They said, "Dear GOD, I hated my nose. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw that huge, buttugly monstrosity and hated, hated, HATED it!" EVERYBODY responded that way. And I think everybody feels utterly inferior, and "haphazardly put together", and anti-social and stupid and everything else (to varying degrees).

    So what to do? Start accepting. Accept those gopher teeth. Know that having non-gopher teeth wouldn't suddenly grant you special powers where everybody will love you, or where you could suddenly make tons of friends immediately. Your gopher teeth are part of you. It's one of those pieces that makes Stag Stag, and not somebody else.

    I've been a grade-A klutz all my life. And for years, I wished I wasn't so klutzy. (Having parents suggest that I "pay attention to what I'm doing" was hardly good advice, either. It just made me feel like I was somehow being DELIBERATELY klutzy. Like I tripped over my shoelaces and ran into walls because I apparently WANTED to.) But now, I've accepted it. I've accepted the fact that I routinely not only knock the glasses off my face, but in an attempt to snatch them before they hit the ground, I smack the damn things all the way across the room. I've grown used to the fact that I'm going to snag power cords with my feet at least three times a day. I'm cool with the fact that the first thing I notice in a fast food restaurant is where the napkins are kept, so when (not if - when) I spill something, I know where to go. I apologize ahead of time when I get in bed with a new guy, letting him know "Just so you know - you've got about an 80% chance of getting an elbow in your eye during this encounter." When I do something klutzy in the presence of my friends, I shrug it off. "Lex the Klutz strikes again." Everybody laughs, and we get on with our lives.

    Because being klutzy hasn't prevented me from living a great life. Yeah, it means any hope for being a sculptor or something went out the window. But the klutzy gargoyle still made friends, still got a boyfriend, still got laid, and still has a shitload of fun. :slight_smile:

    And that's where you need to aim, I think. Maybe you'll end up being people's kick-ass friend with gopher teeth. So what? You're still a kick-ass friend. So go be one. :grin:

    Lex
     
  10. GoinStag

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    So, what I'm getting from all of this is "set goals for yourself"??? If so I think that would be a good idea.

    Yeah I've been thinking about trying to get a job. Something to do with my life.

    Thank you, you are very kind :slight_smile:

    Jeez I could never come out to total strangers.

    ---------- Post added 6th Sep 2010 at 05:24 PM ----------

    Thanks. You made some good points. I guess I just need to start thinking more positively.
    Thanks. It's good knowing I'm not alone on this :slight_smile: It's just something that really bothers me.
    Yeah, you know, last year I was in the lunch room and my friends were like "Ay! Gabe, over here!". Like they actually wanted me to sit with me and stuff. I never had that before. I really hope there really is someone for everyone. I just don't find myself super physically attractive. I'd say I have a good heart, but I don't think anyone would give me the time of day when it comes to a relationship.
     
  11. Mirko

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    Hi there! That's definitely a part of it. :slight_smile: Goals can not only be a great motivator but also give you a sense of purpose and allow you to build up some self-esteem and self-worth. Set yourself some realistic goals.

    The goals work in tandem though with how you perceive and see yourself. While setting and working on your goals, keep working on trying to see the positives. What I mean here, if a friend gives you a compliment take it all in. Repeat it later when you get home. Remind yourself that you do have great qualities.

    Changing how you see yourself in the mirror, and working away on your goals, will help you to start liking yourself and eventually loving yourself. It's a process and it involves some work, but if you keep working at it, it will happen.

    (*hug*)
     
  12. GoinStag

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    Yeah last year I was extremely depressed. I did almost no homework. I got my shit done in school, but I hardly did any homework. I just had no energy. I figured I might want to do ALL of my homework at least once a week. Then after a while, do more and more. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but it's a goal.
     
  13. Mirko

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    Hi there! That's already a great goal to aim for. :slight_smile:

    If you ever need any help along the way to make that goal happen, let us know. (*hug*)
     
  14. Lexington

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    >>>Yeah, you know, last year I was in the lunch room and my friends were like "Ay! Gabe, over here!". Like they actually wanted me to sit with me and stuff. I never had that before. I really hope there really is someone for everyone. I just don't find myself super physically attractive.

    That's just it. NOBODY does.

    Think about the kids at your school for a minute. How many of them are attractive? Not "OK", not "fine if you like that sort of thing", but really, honest-to-God, very attractive? Maybe...1%? If that? But far more than 1% of people go on dates, get laid, get boyfriends/girlfriends, get into long-term relationships.

    Being attractive is a boon - no question. It's a shortcut, mainly. It makes some/many people think "This person is somebody I'd like to get to know". The rest of us? We got to do it the slow way. We've got to meet people. We've got to interact with them, feel out how we feel about them, get to know each other. And eventually, we find somebody we click with. And when that happens, we start dating. Yeah, attractive folks have the luxury of having people jumping straight to "will you go out with me?" (or "will you go to bed with me?"), but once we get to that point, we're on the same page. In fact, doing it the slow way often gives you better odds after that point. Because the person we're asking out already knows us fairly well, and will have a good idea what we're all about. If the hot guy is self-centered, or a lousy conversationalist, they won't find out until later. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  15. x2x2x2x2y2

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    There's already so much good advice here, so I'll just say that if you ever need to talk, I'm here. :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
  16. UserName

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    I'm sure I have probably said what other people have posted but seriously if you think negatively all the time, rather it be about you, or how you believe people perceive you, or any other negative aspect about yourself...it is going to set your mind up to continually think negatively about you. People love confident people, if you're always down on your self then no one would wanna be around that type of person...or at least I don't know anyone who would want to hangout with someone who is always depressing or sad. Nobody is perfect and I think that everyone has insecurities and some type of issues that they think badly about themselves but if there is no way to 'fix' these types of problems then just embrace them and don't let it be a deterrent who you are.
     
  17. Leon481

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    Seriously, don't worry about that. Almost no one cares about the grades of the people they date. The few who do are usually intellectual snobs anyway and probably not worth the time. The first thing that most people look for in a date is someone they enjoy spending time with and that has nothing at all to do with grades.

    Grades are only there to help secure your future colleges/occupations. Even if you do badly in high school, if you really want to go to better schools or get better jobs, it's possible to attend a college with lower standards and work your way up to better schools from there. It's not an all or nothing situation. At worst, things might just take longer to get you where you want to go.

    Last thing. Bad grades are not always something to be ashamed of. It sounds like you didn't get bad grades because you were bad in school, you just lost motivation because of the depression. It happens even to the best of students. It sounds like you haven't given up yet, and that's the important thing.:slight_smile:

    If you can't get the work done at home, maybe you can stay after school for an hour, or go to the library after school and try working there. Try talking to your teachers and they may be able to work with you to find a solution. You would be surprised how much help most teachers will be willing to give when they know that you really want to do better.
     
  18. GoinStag

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    Thanks :slight_smile: That in the bold made me feel a bit more reassured that grades aren't everything. It's just all I hear about. It's good to know that school is important but it isn't everything though.
     
  19. Filip

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    There is already a lot of good advice in here, but I can't resist chiming in with a few observations of my own.

    First of all, I think the important thing is to teach yourself to recognise when you're second-guessing other people's motives. Because that's usually the point where your mind is acting to reinforce its own ideas.
    If you have low self-image, it's tempting to believe that when people are nice, it's just because they are polite, and when they're not, it's because of a deep-seated revulsion.
    However, in reality, it's much the opposite. People will not give out compliments, because they don't think it doesn't need to be said when they like you, and they will bitch over minor issues that don't go more than skin-deep.

    So if those guys and girls waved and invited you over to their table, they could have just as well ignored you. And no one would have noticed. But instead, they saw you and said: "Hey, there's Gabe! Wouldn't it be nice if we could spend lunch with him?". When one of the hottest girls in school told you she thought you're not bad-looking, she could have spent her time with others. But yet, she chose you to spend her time with. And all of us at EC are on here just on our free time. We could just as well be somewhere else. And yet, there's no shortage of long, thought-out responses to this thread.
    That means that these people do like you! And never allow your mind to convince yourself otherwise!

    Secondly, being more confident is something you can learn. When you're reasonably calm and alone, don't focus on negative thoughts. Try to replay one of the moments when you enjoyed yourself with friends play out in your mind. Relive an episode where you felt you really accomplished something. If you do it a few times, it becomes easier and easier to get a bit of that feeling back. And then, when you're feeling less confident, you can think back of those moments you taught yourself to relive and think: "I was awesome then, and I'm still as awesome now, no matter what's going on otherwise!". I know, it sounds like a silly self-help exercise. It worked a lot for me, though (and I spend most of my time worrying that people might secretly hate me behind my back ).

    And lastly, you are definitely being too hard on yourself when it comes to looks and grades. Because, in the final analysis, grades in highschool are nothing anyone will ever look at again. I did pretty bad in my senior year (I scraped by, by that was the best I can say of it), but I never had the feeling it held me back when I went to college (even when my first year of college was pretty bad grade-wise too), and at work (where it's more important being a teamplayer than having lots of honours on your diploma.
    Looks are also relative. Even movie stars think they look bad, after all. As said above, a good personality is also way more likely to keep interest.
    And even if you don't fit the conventional underwear model style of good looks, then honestly, gopher teeth, wide ears, and kind of hairy sounds a lot like a guy I crushed on in highschool :lol: and I'm sure there's guys where you live that feel likewise!