Hey, I'm new to this site...I have a sort of dilemma, and I don't know what to do. Some time ago, I came out to my (gay) best friend, and then a little while after that, I told another friend. Then I told my sister. Now, after almost a year, I have not told anyone else--and I feel like I'm at a standstill. The only obstacle left is telling my parents, but I can't muster up the courage yet--at least not until I go away to school. Does anyone have any advice/suggestions? Thanks!!
Hey chrisg and welcome to the site. First of all, coming out is a different process for everyone, so don't be discouraged if you seem to be going at an awkward pace (or not at all). If you think telling your parents will cause more problems than solutions, then there is nothing wrong with not telling them straight away. How long until you go away to school? If it's not too far off, and you don't feel an pressing need to tell them straight away, then waiting until you go away could be the best option. This can be advantageous, especially since they are given time to think about it without you there constantly reminding them. It also gives you a chance to escape any negative feelings on their behalf. How you tell them is another issue altogether. A letter when you're at school? or face to face before you leave? Obviously your current situation depends on which is best, and how you predict your parents will react. Either way, goodluck and let us know what you decide.
Hi Chris, I also reckon it's better to tell parents when you aren't living in the same house at the time. It gives them a chance to begin to accept the situation without having a constant reminder of the "problem" (you) around. So if you are going to be away at school or whatever in a few months then it may be worth waiting until then? As Dave highlighted, if you are away you have to sort out the best way to tell them from a distance. Letter? Phone call? I don't think telling them just before you leave is a good idea, as it could give the impression that you are ashamed of the situation (which hopefully you aren't). A letter is good because you can say it how you want to, without being knocked off-track by their questions and reactions. Hand write it if your writing is legible, as it's more personal than typed. The problem with a letter is the waiting. You post it off to them, wait for it to crawl through the post (I'd send it by a next-day signed for service), then wait for them to contact you or you contact them. Perhaps timing it to arrive about a week before you are due to see them for a weekend would be good? I came out to my parents by letter, so I know the suspense very well. I didn't have a phone at home at the time, so eded up going into work at the weekend (I had a key) to phone them. Is this a new school you're going away to? If so, then it could be a great opportunity to be out from day one. I don't mean out and shouting about it, I just mean completely honest about yourself in any conversation. Obviously only you know whether this is possible, but it'd be a great step forward if you can do it.
Hi there, I'm a big believer in telling people in person if you have the opportunity to do so. Maybe if you could explain why you want to wait to tell your parents until after you've left for school, you'd have a better handle on what about the situation was bothering you? I find a lot of times if you go through the process of really examining your feelings about something, you get a much better idea of what's going on, especially when it comes to avoiding doing something. If you feel stuck, don't be too hard on yourself. Coming out is definitely not the easiest thing in the world, especially to one's parents. I personally find a lot of inspiration from other people's coming out stories so I'd encourage you to find a gay and lesbian bookstore or order a book like this one or In Your Face: Stories from the Lives of Queer Youth (which was actually edited by a friend of mine). I'm sure there are a lot of other similar collections and books that might provide some good food for thought. Another thought is: are there other people you could tell who you're both more convinced of getting a positive reaction from and maybe a little less concerned about what their reaction might be? I did tell my mum I was gay really shortly after I started coming out in general but then I have a really good relationship with my mother so that wasn't as big a deal as it might be for some people. But before I did tell her, I had told my closest friends so I knew I would have support in case she reacted badly (which she didn't). I think I'd advise anyone coming out to their parents to make sure they have a good network of supportive friends in place beforehand. Hope that helps!
Hey, thanks for all your advice. The funny thing is that there would be absolutely no problem if I came out to my parents--they are the least homophobic people I know, and they have mentioned in passing that if one of their children were gay, they would love him/her unconditionally. The issue is gathering enough courage to face the obvious discomfort: the knowing glances when a hot guy comes on television or the prying questions...my family has never been really open about these things, so I would feel really uncomfortable if conversations did crop up.
Sounds like you just need to find a time when they are together and have a bit of time to talk, then take a deap breath and go for it! I think you'll have a much easier time of it than many of us will/did. There's never a perfect moment though - you just need to grab a likely chance! It sounds like they already have their suspicians, so it may well be no big deal. However, things could be a bit weird for a while. No matter how great people are with gay people generally, it's always a bit different when it's their own son/daughter. Does your sister live with you or nearby? If so it would be good to let her know you are planning to tell your parents, and have her around when you do.
Well, my sister is in college, and I will be going off to college in September--would it be better to tell them while home from college as opposed to now (or in the near future)?
I'm not sure what the big deal is. Yes, talking about sexuality-related stuff with parents can be awkward but it doesn't sound like you expect any negative reactions. So... what's really the issue? Are you afraid they'll think of you differently? People do not generally transform dramatically when someone comes out to them, unless they experience a negative reaction, so your parents are unlikely to suddenly start prying into your private fantasies and become all sexually explicit with you. I suppose there might be a little initial curiosity if only because good queer-positive parents are expected to be somewhat curious about their newly-out children... but I doubt they're going to be watching you like a hawk--unless they already do that, in which case that behaviour would be normal for them.
Well it's completely up to you. Maybe tell them closer to when you're going because then if things get weird both parties know there will be a natural chance to take time apart coming up?
But not just a day or two before you leave, otherwise it could seem like you are dropping the bombshell then doing a runner!
Well if they already do, then if they continue to do so after you come out to them, there's not much change. What do they watch you like a hawk for or about?
Well, for instance, if a very pretty girl is on television (in one of those uncomfortable "rather-not-sit-next-to-your-parents" scenes), my mother in particular will glance at me--it just makes me so edgy, and it will be the same way when I come out, just with guys instead of girls.
