Coming out to my 11 year old son.

Another gay dad in the Toronto area! Cool!!!

Hi and welcome to EC! I'm also a divorced gay dad. I have two little girls - now 7 and 9. I separated from my wife over 3 years ago, but just came out to my kids last June (14 months ago) when they were 6 and 8.

How to go about it? Well, my ex and I sat them down with us one day and I simply told them. I told them that their daddy was gay - and asked them if they knew what that meant. The older one - at 8 - knew what that meant. It was when a boy likes another boy instead of liking a girl. I confirmed that, and repeated it for the younger one. I carried on to inform them that I also had a boyfriend who I loved very much, and who I was looking forward to them meeting. I assured them that this wasn't a secret - that they could talk to who ever they wanted to about this. But I also told them that they were entitled to their privacy, and if they didn't want to talk about this with anyone, they didn't have to. I told them that there were some people who didn't understand what being gay really meant - and that those people, when they don't understand something, often think it's a bad thing when it really isn't. So for that reason, they didn't necessarily need to tell people - or that they might consider who they tell.

When it was all said and done, they weren't traumatized. They went back to what they had been doing or playing with, and it was no big deal. They subsequently met my boyfriend shortly thereafter, as well as his two kids - who were 9 and 11 at the time.

His 11 year old son seemed to take all this in stride as well. I think the biggest adjustment for him was more the two new 'sisters' and having to 'share' his dad. He doesn't seem to have a problem with his dad being gay or having me around as his dad's boyfriend.

How is your ex wife with all of this? Has she been understanding and supportive? My ex has been saint-like, which has helped a lot. She has been very positive regarding my boyfriend. She didn't hesitate to talk about him and I with the kids to keep the topic 'alive' in their discussions - so that they could get used to the idea and ask any questions that they might have.

I would think that your son will be pretty cool with the whole idea. Good luck!

Once I told my kids, I continued to come out to extended family and people at work. I wanted the kids to hear it from me so I was careful. But afterwards, as I said, it wasn't to be seen as a secret for them to keep. So I came out to most people around me at that point.

Please don't hesitate to respond here with any other questions you might have or to send me a private message directly by clicking on my name to the left. Again - welcome to EC. I found the site incredibly helpful. I hope you do too!!!

 

I've never been in this situation, but I have a friend who's Mom came out to him and his brother as gay when he was like 10. According to him, he was just like "Ok". She has a live-in girlfriend and everything.

I can't guarantee your son would react like that though. I'd just try to be gentle about it and keep reassuring him that you still are you.

---------- Post added 7th Sep 2010 at 06:07 AM ----------

Yeah, your advice is probably a lot better than mine lol.

 

I came out to my kids ages 14 and 17 a few months ago. They weren't really upset or freaked out by it. They were more upset about the fact that my wife and I were separating. Once the initial shock wore off and they were able to see my wife and I working together on the separation, they relaxed and went with the flow. We still have a few issues that come up from time to time (like one daughter being upset with her mother about something totally unrelated and saying "You probably made dad gay"), but overall things are fine.

 

Hi, Ken. Welcome to EC. I am also a divorced father, with kids in a similar age range. My ex-wife and I split about 4 ½ years ago, after which I began the process of coming out to myself and eventually others. Congratulations on beginning this journey. I know from experience it is not exactly easy at our ages, but I can assure you it is well worth it once you work through it.

I have talked with a lot of gay dads and read as much as I could find on the subject. From all of this, I came to the conclusion that it is a much bigger deal to us than it is to our kids, particularly when they are younger. Kids just accept it as part of their lives, and it is no big deal to them.

There is an organization for children with lesbian and gay parents, called COLAGE. http://www.colage.org/ . They have some very good information on their website, including recommended books. A number of these books were written by children with gay parents and others contained essays written by the children of gay parents. I found these books invaluable in understanding what my kids would experience and how others went about talking to their kids.

One of the biggest factors in how the kids cope with the news is how their mother speaks to them about you and your sexuality. Because of your situation, this may be an issue for you, but it is hard to predict how one’s spouse will react to the news. I expected my ex-wife to hit the roof and potentially be difficult. I was completely wrong. She has been very supportive and a real ally in this process. In fact, she now knows my partner and has invited him and me to family events.

There is an organization for the straight spouse in this situation, called the Straight Spouse Network. http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php/ . You should also visit their website and read its content and, perhaps, one or more of the books recommended on the site. Your coming out will also be big news to your ex-wife, and she may need time to process the news and adjust to this new reality in her life. She will likely have many questions for you. Mine did. In the end, she wished me well, and we spent a significant amount of time talking about how to speak with the kids about it. You may want to suggest the Straight Spouse Network to her and/or give her one of the books they recommend. Preparing her so that she can hopefully be supportive of you is an important step.

As to when to tell him, I think that earlier is best. That way, your sexuality is just a normal part of his life and he sees that there is nothing wrong with it. By hiding it, you are inadvertently sending him a message that being gay is bad and something to be hidden. And, based on what I learned from others, kids figure it out pretty quickly. They are amazingly perceptive. One of the things that can create stress for a kid with a gay parent is when the child knows or suspects that their parent is gay but feels they cannot talk about it with their parent because the parent has not made it an okay topic for conversation. It is not the parent's sexuality that creates the problem for the child, it is the parent's lack of communication about it that creates the problem.

I know this is an indirect way of addressing your question of how to tell your son. However, I think that it is important to lay the groundwork so that you can be prepared to do it in way that will be the most likely to make it easier on all involved. Based on all that I have learned from the experiences of others, it will probably be no big deal for your son. You are still his father, and your sexuality will not change that.

Good luck and please let us know how we can help.