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Needing help and advice...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Tom E, Sep 9, 2010.

  1. Tom E

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    Not entirely sure how to word this...So I suppose I should just get on with it. I'm rather confused about my whole situation. In the past I've had relationships with women, and even though I've had experiences with them - I feel nothing. I've never had a relationship with a man, but want to. I'm not sure if I'm full-on gay, straight but confused, bisexual, or whatever. I've told a handful of friends and people I can trust about how I feel, but apart from listening to my rants and drying my tears...they aren't able to do much.

    So, in the late hours of the evening, I found this place and am hoping for the best.

    As I eluded to earlier, I am terribly confused as to my orientation and it has caused sleepless nights, holes in the wall, and countless tear-soaked pillows among other things. If there is anybody out there who can help me understand what I am, it would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Filip

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    First of all: Hi, and welcome to EC! :smilewave I hope we can be of some help in figuring yourself out.

    I think the first thing you need to do here is let go of the desire to label yourself. It's convenient to do so when talking to others, but when trying to figure out yourself, it might lead to a tendency to shoehorn yourself into something that is in the end just a word. Just put it as "questioning" for now.

    In order to understand a bit better: a couple of questions:
    - You never felt anything for the women you were in relationships with. Why did you get into relationships with them? Was there some feeling in the beginning? Or did you just do so because it was the accepted thing to do and the opportunity presented itself?

    - When you say you want to be with a guy, is that because if you imagine being in a relationship you automatically wander into thoughts of being with a guy? Or what kinds of scenarios does your mind wander into when you imagine relationships?

    - A good clue can be porn. If you watch porn (and I'm not saying you need to), just let your eyes wander and notice where they usually go to. that could also give you a clue what you're attracted to.

    Pondering about the natural ways your mind wanders can already give some clue.
    A second clue can of course come from hanging around with people who might be going through the same thing. Obviously, EC is here, and please feel free to browse and see if you can find any stories that resonate with you. And if you feel like talking, don't hesitate to post in threads, or walls, or send PMs to staff members. It's often by talking that your mind ordens itself, after all.

    It might also be useful to see if there's any GLBT groups or community centres nearby. those aren't just there for those people who already figured things out! Most of them are open for people who are questioning as well!

    And last, but certainly not least: Try not to lie awake at night over it! The answers can take some time to come. But they will come! Admitting you're questioning is already a great first step!

    I hope this is at least a start of a solution. Don't hesitate to post back with remarks, thoughts or further questions!
     
  3. s5m1

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    Hi Tom, and welcome to EC. I understand what you are going through, as I was there once. You will find that many members of EC are now, or were in the past, experiencing the same questions and feelings as you. When I joined, I found it very comforting to read threads and posts from other EC members that could have been written by me. I realized I was not the only person feeling like I did, and I was not alone.

    Before I figured things out, I also had relationships, and sex, with many women but there was always something missing. I was even married, yet I still knew something was not right. Eventually, after divorcing, I accepted I was gay and have never been happier. My relationship with my partner is complete and missing nothing.

    If it turns out you are gay, you will go through a process that is known as coming out to yourself. Just beginning to ask the questions that you are asking is usually an early stage of coming out. At some point, you will become more comfortable and accepting of your sexuality and then may feel you are ready to come out to others. There is no rush for any of this. Take it at your own pace. Participating here on EC can be very helpful. Reading and responding to threads posted by others, and starting threads of your own, are great ways begin exploring and understanding what you are feeling. I found EC to be immensely helpful in my coming out process.

    Try not to stress over this too much right now. Being gay can actually be a lot of fun. Just take it day by day and let us know how we can help.
     
  4. Jeremy

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    Hi Tom! I full on concur with Filip about not labeling yourself. Often times people try to give themselves a label and then try to make themselves fit that label only to find that it's wasting time and energy (because maybe they're just not what the label is telling them they are). Try not to imagine the whole homosexuality vs. heterosexuality debate as absolutes (gay, straight, bi), but try to think of it more as a spectrum or line where "a complete attraction to guys" is on one end and "a complete attraction to girls" is on the other. There are many people who sit between these two ends (be it the direct middle, or between the middle and one of the two extremes, etc.)

    Also, if you want to be in a relationship with a guy, try it out! If that's what you want, then that's just what you want. Maybe you'll like it; maybe you won't. But hey, feel free to look around here for any further advice. There are several people here who have benefited a ton just by running into people and issues that they can relate to.
     
  5. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    The "label" part tends to come pretty easy to most people. "I like girls - I'm straight." "Guys turn me on - I guess I'm gay." But to some people, it doesn't. And that's fine. But when it doesn't, you shouldn't rush to put up the shingle. "Tom E - Heterosexual". For now, your sexuality is "Undecided". That's what you are. Your friends seem cool with it, so just go ahead and consider that your sexuality for now.

    So how do you take the next step, and find out what's beyond "Undecided"?

    Well, you say you're interested in having a relationship with a guy. So I'd say that's the next step. You definitely appear to be "of age" (you say you've had relationships "with women", which doesn't sound like a 17-year-old :slight_smile: ). So whatever next step you make is fine. If you want to date a guy, or just go to bed with a guy, that'd be your call. My recommendation? Simply befriend some gay men. You don't specifically say you don't have any gay friends, but I think if you did have some, you would've talked this over with them (and mentioned it). So I think that might be a good next step. You don't say where you are, but if you feel comfortable enough telling your friends about it, I'm guessing you're somewhere where being gay isn't too much of a problem.* So if there's a "gay section" of town, you might want to start there. Maybe join a gay social group, or even just hang out in the right places. I think even hanging out here, and posting here more, might be beneficial. We'll find you your spot yet. :slight_smile:

    Lex

    * - I suddenly realized I'm doing a lot of "reading between the lines on your post". Sorry 'bout that. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Tom E

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    Thank you both for your support, I can clearly see that joining EC was a great decision :slight_smile:

    "In order to understand a bit better: a couple of questions:
    - You never felt anything for the women you were in relationships with. Why did you get into relationships with them? Was there some feeling in the beginning? Or did you just do so because it was the accepted thing to do and the opportunity presented itself?

    - When you say you want to be with a guy, is that because if you imagine being in a relationship you automatically wander into thoughts of being with a guy? Or what kinds of scenarios does your mind wander into when you imagine relationships?"

    When I got into the relationships that I've had with women, to be honest I was sort of a jerk. I would hit on (and go on dates with) pretty much anything that had two legs and no y-chromosome at any time, even though I had no emotional tie to any of them. I had figured it was just the casual way I could come and go from girl to girl.

    The day came however when I made the all-time potential mistake of falling in love with my best friend. Everything about them at the time seemed to be perfect (i.e. didn't feel like I had to be Superman around them, could talk to them about anything, loved spending time with them, etc) and coming from a rather conservative little town, figured it was the "right" thing to do. I loved that girl to death and still do (she's been my biggest supporter through all of this), but even though she is incredibly attractive by societal norms...I wasn't physically attracted to her. I've had sex with women before I went out with her, but at least from my experience for a male to acquire sexual release...there is little to no real work involved.

    So, to answer that first set of questions better...I had relationships because at the time, I thought it was what I had wanted and it was expected by friends and family. Hoping the lack of physical desire for any of them was just an awkward stage or phase that would soon pass. Several years later however, I find myself unchanged.

    When I say I want to be in a relationship with a man, I say it for a couple of reasons:
    1) I once heard that since dreams are windows to the subconscious, it is possible to learn a multitude of things from them one of which being who you like (and in my case, gender). So after several nights of trying to dream and figure out my orientation, I started having dreams about both genders. The first and most common gender in these dreams is men.
    2) It may sexist or chauvinistic, but I want to held and just don't believe (or consider) it to be something a woman should do for a man. It just seems a bit "off" to me, if that makes any sense.

    I hope that this helps shed a little more light on my situation. Again, I thank you for your support.
     
  7. Filip

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    Okay, it somehow took me five days to get back. Weekends and work have this strange way of happening…

    The lack of physical attraction to girls is obviously a good clue that something is up.
    And dreaming about men is another. Still, while I do believe dreams can be a valuable tool, relationships you might have with men will obviously be with guys you meet in the real world. I think the most important thing to do next would be to find out whether you can find a guy for who you feel physical attraction. I’m not saying you need to act on it right away, but meeting gay or bisexual men, and seeing if they elicit any response might be the way to go. Any big city (and lots of smaller ones) have places where GLBT people hang out, GLBT groups, gay bars etc. Hanging out there with an open mind might be valuable in learning more.

    Obviously, another option which I didn’t really think of in my previous post is that perhaps you’re just not the kind of person who develops physical attraction. Asexuality is a perfectly valid sexuality too. And it can go paired with having gay or straight romances. And it’s even harder to figure out than other sexualities.

    I’m not saying that’s the case for you. However, even though I don’t really like pressing on such questions, it might be good here to think about what really turns you on. If you masturbate, what kinds of thoughts turn you on? If you watch porn, what do your eyes go to. (and if you do neither, then that’s no problem, but it might mean that you’re not so sexual in the first place).
     
  8. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to EC. You've definitely come to the right place. I think most of us have gone through a period of questioning. That's totally natural. Some people have an easier time coming to a conclusion and accepting it than others do. And that's OK. No two people take the exact same path - nor should they.

    Just hang out here. Talk openly about what you're thinking and feeling. Just be hanging out here with us you'll be less hung up about your orientation and feel more comfortable being yourself. Time will tell.