bad fight with my mother.

One great thing that helps me, my therapist told me to write letters to people that have upset me. In them I can say anything and everything without worrying about hurting that person because that letter will never be sent, but things that you NEED to say can be said. Those things can never be thrown back in your face so you are safe to tell your true feelings deep within in you.

My therapist has also helped me see that although my mother thinks she loves me, she does not love me as I NEED to be loved. This was a very hard thing to understand and come to terms with but the following image helps me to understand.

If you are sitting face to face with a Downs syndrome person you wouldn't expect an intelligent conversation and you would'nt feel angry and frustrated with that person for not giving it to you however much you might need it. Parents who are emotionally handicapped cannot give what they don't possess.

I don't know if this will help you to come to terms with your feelings of rage (for me this stems from frustration and misunderstanding). I don't mean this in any nasty way but try thinking of your mother as an emotionally handicapped person, if you truly believe that all is well with her emotionally then of course her behaviour is hurtfull and upsetting. If you see her as emotionally deficient, you will lower your expectations of her, and her behaviour will be less hurtful.

Don't loose heart (*hug*)

 

Hi and sorry to hear of your anquish.

As Louise said writing a letter helps but rather than keeping it to yourself, if you really want your mum to know how sorry you feel, you could post it to her - possibly safer than another face-to-face

I had a situation where I wasn't happy at what I was getting in return from a relationship. Counselling made me realise that what I wanted from this person was how I wanted him to be rather than accepting the way he was. As you've been told, sometimes we have to accept that some people just don't know how to be what they're supposed to be, ie a mum or dad or a friend even. It's not their fault as I don't believe anybody ever deliberately goes out to be nasty or unsociable (although I can recall a few people). It's just that they haven't been shown how throughout growing up. Does his make sense?

In other words, accept that she may never be the mum you want and move on. You'll find a relationship that will give you what you need/want and your mum will become a lesser part of your life.

I hope this helps. Good luck

 

Louise gave excellent advice! I think I would mail the letter though or e-mail it. For your mom won't truly know you are sorry unless she hears it.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about the problems you have with your mother. I can really relate, since I have similar issues. I'm trying something a friend told me to try after speaking with my mother. I'm sitting alone in my room, trying to relax and thaw out the huge knot of anxiety in my stomach. I can totally relate.

You said:

This is very, very true. My therapist is trying to get me to do this very thing. It's really hard because I so want to have a good relationship with my mother, but it never happens. She is still the same person, no matter what I try. The fact remains that she isn't going to change just because I want to hear her say she loves me and that she's proud of what I've accomplished. I have a life she knows nothing about because I'm afraid of her criticism. It's very crippling. My T has had me write a letter to my mom. He's had me write lists countering the negative thoughts she's instill in me. Writing the letter was cathartic, but I didn't mail or send it to her. Even if I tell her why I'm angry and why talking with her upsets me. She won't really listen. She'll turn it around and make it all about her.

The thing therapy has taught me, and my advice to you is, she isn't going to change. You should concentrate on making yourself happy and finding a new family. It's really, really hard. I know since I"m in the same situation right now. My mother was and still is very emotionally and verbally abusive, and nothing I say to her, is going to change that. My T is encouraging me to stop looking for her approval. My friends are helping me focus on making my life a good place. I have a safe place to go now, where I don't have to listen to her abuse. It's very sad, and someday, maybe I can forgive her. Maybe you'll be able to do the same with your mom. I don't know your situation. I don't know what kind of person your mom is, but just the little you describe, no contact might be best and concentrate on finding new friends and making a new family. It sounds like you're already taking steps in that direction. Forgive yourself for comments made in the heat of anger and move on. That's really all you can do.

 

Though it may sound a little preachy, the best thing for you to do is to forgive yourself and forgive your mother. Those are the first steps of the healing process. Not that anything will change with your mother, she is who she is, but the change will happen with you and that is the only thing you can work with. Forgiveness will begin to change your attitude and once your attitude changes, the buttons you display on your chest so nicely for her will fade and she won't be able to punch them so easily or at all.

The process of forgiveness is known to us all, but sometimes our ego has been so bruised and hurt it just doesn't want to. Keep at the process and even try to get to a state of feeling forgiveness and eventually it will become what you are. It may take conscious effort for weeks or even months, but every time you feel the anger, the hurt, bring up a stop and try to forgive with feeling. To not do so eats away at our own Wa (personal peace) and soon destroys what happiness we have because we become consumed in our own hurts, real or imagined and it becomes a vicious cycle.

One thing that may help is perhaps to know that what you have been told by friends and others that she doesn't have a clue is likely correct. She is likely operating from the place she was taught as a child and is responding in like manner as she was treated as a child. Think of the demons she is combating or in denial about. It is not likely that someone sits at a table on a daily basis and plans out how to make someone's life or everyone's life around them miserable as can be, unless that person is a total sociopath. She is likely doing what she has been taught and how she was treated, she knows no different and is or was doing what she thought best, even if in error. It will not change her for you to realize this, but it will at least let you have compassion for knowing what she must have felt like as a child growing up and being as frightened as we all were from time to time, only with her it may have been made more so by what happened to her and the pronouncements against her from those who were suppose to love and protect her.

It is not an excuse for her, but for you to try to understand that she is what she is as a result of what she experienced as a child. As much as we don't want to admit, we do respond in time to what we learned as children, be it right or be it wrong, unless we challenge many of the things we just accept and can reestablish our foundation from our own perspectives or feelings concerning things. It is like being imprinted in the animal world, we have the same happen in the first three years of life because by then the basic personality of the individual is established and then seemingly disappears until at the time of puberty it reemerges and lets itself be known. What is learned over the ensuing years either establishes hardwiring of certain things or reinforces what was established back then. But the human bright side is he has intellect and logic and with those can overcome the imprint and reestablish another premise if needed, but the original imprint is never gone, it remains so one has to keep a vigilance and renew our tenants of our new premise if needed from time to time.

So the basic thing that will help you most now is forgiveness of yourself and to stop playing over and over again the conversation you had with the blurting out the words of wanting to kill your mother. We have all thought that a time or two but never really meant it. Our anger overcame us and it was thought or said, but it was not truly meant, so forget it. Picture it as a picture on a page and you crumble it up and hold you hand over a waste paper basket and let the crumbled up paper with all that, go and fall away. From here on out, whenever you think of that conversation, STOP and instead forgive yourself and allow yourself to feel it. It is not truly you, so means nothing. Let it go. Then you can let your mother's attitude go. Once you can forgive your mother for the way she is, you can also accept the idea she is not what you wanted and likely never will be, but you can forgive her as she doesn't realize what she does to others.

Once you are able to do this in this part of your life and relationship with a very important person in your life, you will be able to apply it to other facets of your life and with it likely will see emerging after a time an inner peace and happiness that you never knew existed.

Best of luck to you and forgive.

 

You don't have to feel guilty, you have nothing to forgive yourself for. I get the feeling that you are a wonderful caring person and you are beating yourself up for a moment (a long moment granted) when you flipped, you lost control of yourself, all your hurt and pain came pouring out in a geyser of poison.

Is it your fault that there was all this hurt and pain festering inside you? I can answer that for you... NO it is not your fault. This hurt comes from the mean things that have been said to you over and over again. This hurt turns to poison in you and if you don't let it out it will slowly kill you or find a way of letting it's self out. I get the impression that this is what happened the other day.

I don't know the rights and wrongs of it, but who has hurt you the most in this story. From the little I know it seems to be your mum. No maybe you shouldn't have said those things to her, but if you leave a pan of oil on the flame too long eventually it will burst into flame and the damage can be terrible.
By not getting over this, by not loving you how you NEED and DESERVE to be loved your mother has kept the flame burning under you and although I is not my place to criticise your mother but if anyone is to blame for what happened the other day it is your mother.

Having said that your mother obviously loves you because she hasn't cut all contact with you and still helps you financially. Maybe your mum feels really bad that she can't love you like she wanted to (and she knows you deserve), maybe she is very disappointed in herself at her reactions but out of pride can't admit it. Did your mother love unconditionally the image of her little boy but is having a hard time coming to terms with the real man inside the little boy... does this make sense? Maybe that would explain her comment, not as a way of saying that she doesn't love you but that the reality of seeing you as you are and not the image she had of you is really very difficult for her.

Have you ever thought that maybe the money she sends you is a way for her to compensate you for all her mean comments that maybe she is unable to stop herself from saying but then feels guilty? In your shoes I wouldn't feel bad about cashing the cheque, it might be your mum's way of saying she is sorry... maybe not but it is just a thought.

There could be all sorts of reasons for her behaviour but you cannot take responsability for everything that is wrong in the world (or even in your little world), give yourself a break. From your posts you are a lovely person and yes I think self image and physical image can be very important.

I think looks can be a redeminig quality. But why do you need a redeming quality? I will go down my same old track : are you a serial killer? are you a baby molesterer? do you kidnap children and torture them? No, I think not! You are just a guy who loves other guys, how bad can that be. You are a lovely person as you, a person who has suffered through no fault of their own and who from time to time, when you are streached to breaking point... you break.

Taking time and care over your appearance and body gives you a boost and is enjoyable for everyone who looks at you. Everyone does what they can to get through these hard times but you manage to beat yourself up even over the nice things about you. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!!! :bang:

Yes, I have read the EC rule where it says no shouting but honestly! I you were in front of my now I would give you the biggest hug! You deserve to be loved unconditionally (as do we all). Note what I said, DESERVE, I have repeated it several times I know but I truely believe it. (*hug*)

 

To be honest, I think everyone here would prefer you "dumping" this stuff on us, than keeping it bottled up inside. I personally think your mother needs to hear some of the things you have told us, so she can understand more fully. But in terms of contacting her, a letter is the best bet, there is no chance of her shouting back at you or cutting you off in the middle of a sentence. I hope you manage to sort things out soon though, best of luck!

 

Justin! How to respond? #1 "I can't change the past", #2 "Accept yourself", #3 "Love yourself"

 

Vent, vent, vent that is what we are here for, you mustn't keep it bottled up.

I cried for a week (no word of a lie) once I had fully, deeply within myself accepted that my mother would never love me as I need to be loved. Then I started to pick myself up out of my olympic size swimming pool of self pity and decided to get on with my life.

I can do this now because I see my mother for what she is and not what I want her to be, her comments no longer hurt me (or not as much anyway), she can't manipulate me, she can't humiliate me, I am armed against her. Without any hypocrisy on my part, I have never got on better with her than now. Please, please work on the image you have of your mother. I am sure that she has lots of lovely qualities... she made you didn't she. However that doesn't change the fact that she CAN'T be the mother you want her to be. This is probably not her fault, that's life.

As for the past! The past is the past, you can't go back and change it, you can apologise if you feel the need but then turn the page, go on with your life. You have choices in the future, the past is done. Not wanting to offend anyone but is there anyone out there who can honestly say, with his hand on his heart, that they have NEVER done anything that they regret or would change if they could? I greatly doubt it.

So you have behaved badly in the past, haven't we all, don't let this spoil the rest of your life. Revisiting the past is useful if you can learn from that experience (as you have done, you are no longer physically violent) but if that event or experience is just used as a big stick to beat you over the head with, with no positive outcome for either party, then there is no point.

You seem to be truely sorry and have made great efforts to change and control your rage, good for you, well done this is never easy. However you do have the right to your feelings and the right to express them NOT repress them, they are yours and they are valid.

I read a very good book called 'The body never lies' by Alice Miller. This helped me greatly in my understanding of my relationship with my mother. It may not apply to you but it might be worth giving it a quick read.