This will be kind of a long read but please bear with me. For the past few years, my mom has been really sick with various things and has been in and out of the hospital. I've been living with her at home full time to take care of her (she needs constant looking after) and to act as a buffer for my younger sister (she went off to college last month so she's free of this now). Due to this, I haven't been working and we've been living off my mom's disability check. Now, due to her illness, her finances have been an absolute wreck. Over the past few months, I've taken charge and have been working to slowly get everything paid off, cutting off everything but the most necessary bills (power, water, mortage, insurance, phone) and slowly getting settled with the rest. Everything had been going fine so far, until yesterday. Last week someone from Direct TV called asking about the past due bill. My mom picked up and they told her she could make a partial payment over the phone using her check card (she doesn't have a credit card). Late last night I find out they tried to take out the whole amount. I called Direct TV this morning and they tell me that even though they told her she could make only a partial payment, it was their policy to automatically take the full amount out once they have your information, whether you approve it or not. The bank said there was nothing they could do to stop it either. So now suddenly, we have a grand total of $3 to last us until the 3rd of next month and there's nothing we can do about it even though they lied and made false promises to my mom. This means we can't pay the insurance, we can't pay the phone bill, (I may not be around here much longer as a result) and we can't afford food. Not only has this put us in a difficult situation this month, it's going to completely screw up getting the rest of our financial situation in order. Getting a job is not currently an option due to many reasons too complicated to explain here. This comes on top of my sister going off to college, every major appliance in our house currently being broken (we can't even afford to wash clothes now), my mom being one of the most difficult people you will ever meet, as well as the daily stress of having to look after a house, an invalid, and 2 cats with no help. Needless to say I'm stressed. I've been almost at the breaking point for a long time now. The stress has been so bad that I am physically ill daily and haven't been able to keep up with all my duties. My mom and the house are suffering for it and not getting the care they need either. With this going on today, I'm barely holding it together. I feel like I may do something rash. I feel completely and utterly helpless and I have no one to turn to about this. I need some advice and a bit of perspective.
Assuming everything said was true, then about all you can do now is let a couple other bills slide for a bit. You indicated you were "slowly getting settled" on the rest of the bills, so it looks like you're going to have to unsettle them for awhile, so you'll have enough money to handle more immediate concerns. Most places in the US offer help in things like electrical and heat for people in dire straits. You might want to look into that. Are there other family members who can help out? Either to look after your mother for a bit so you can get out for awhile, or to pay a bill or two to help ease the burden? My main worry, however, is you. You are now your mother's caretaker. Presumably forever. This won't ever change. And this isn't a place where people are supposed to end up. There presumably is a way to change this situation, providing you want to enough. Lex
Most of the bills I'm not worried about. However, losing the insurance and phone would be a major problem. Luckily the power bill is taken care of for the month. It's next month's I'm worried about. We still owe them a whole lot on back payments and it's only from help from outside when she was in the hospital that they haven't cut us off by now. There are limits to how much help you can get over time and we've used up that limit. All of our extended family live out of state. Not too long ago, several of them sent a whole lot of money to help with my sister's starting college expenses. A very generous amount. That resource is kind of tapped out. I'm thinking of trying to get my mom's family up in Connecticut to maybe take her in for a few months while I get things situated here. It will give me time to get my nerves together and de-stress as well as time to get things organized and fixed up around here. If I can get things straightened up around here, get her finances in order, and get myself together, she can safely enter a nursing facility without worry. It's going to be hard as hell to get them to agree to it though. Her brothers and sisters are stubborn people who won't want to disrupt their lives even to help their sister. Financial help was one thing but this is a kind of commitment they won't accept so easily. I have a golden oppourtunity coming up though as my Aunt and Grandma are coming here on their way to Florida so I can plead my case in person. I've been working on this a long time and I have a plan. I'm just freaking out about the current more dire situation and needed to tell my whole story to someone. I usually keep things pretty bottled up, so talking about it like this is new to me.
>>>I've been working on this a long time and I have a plan. I'm just freaking out about the current more dire situation and needed to tell my whole story to someone. I usually keep things pretty bottled up, so talking about it like this is new to me. But necessary. And, it sounds like, helping. Which it should be. I'd say you've got a good grasp on the situation, and you've got your plan down. Now you just have to live it. Which sucks, but there it be. Another vague suggestion. A friend of a friend of mine works from home as a sort of "call center". She's stuck at home (as a new parent), so she took the job to get some extra cash while she's there. Calls are routed to her home phone, and she answers their questions about certain things. I don't know if that's something that's open to you, but it might be worth looking into. Lex
Yeah, I've calmed down quite a bit now. Now that the initial panic has subsided, I'm getting a grasp on things. Food won't be an issue if we carefully ration what we have and go to one of the nearby food banks next week. We will need money however and unfortunately, the only option I can see right now is to beg off of a few of my mom's contacts. I feel guilty about it though as they have helped us out a lot over the years. I'm going to have to leave the actual begging to my mom since she has no shame about asking for handouts (whether we desperately need it or not, I hate that about her.). Also, living it does indeed suck. I can get things done over time, but the problem is, that she's not getting the care she needs because I'm so overstressed that I can't keep up. It was so much more manageable when my sis was here to help out a bit, but now that she's gone it's just gotten out of control. A large part of it is, my mom is just an incredibly difficult person. A while ago, she had a bad reaction to a mix of medicines and since then she's changed. Her memory is shot, she can't figure out how to do a lot of simple things anymore, and she seems to act on instinct instead of thinking things through. She doesn't react with normal emotion anymore and nothing seems to worry her. She's become a compulsive liar and manipulater and will do anything to get what she wants. To top it all off, she won't even admit she has a problem. She insists that she's fine and she can take care of herself, but half of it she can't and the other half she won't. For whatever reason, she just doesn't care anymore. Even the things she is still in good enough shape to do for herself, she just doesn't. There are plenty of things around the house she is mentally and physically capable of doing on her own, but I can't even get her to do those things without a fight. She doesn't even bathe unless I force the issue. She has severe diabetes and all she wants to eat is sugar and bubblegum (how I've come to hate that gum) and will do whatever she has to to get it, including lying and sneaking around. I don't know what she'll do now that we're out of money. It's like taking care of a five year old, only a five year old who knows her rights. She's threatened to call the police and say I've abused or assaulted her (I haven't) when she doesn't get her way or I have to try to force an issue she doesn't want to deal with. I can't even get her declared incompetent because she manages to put up a good enough face in public to seem sane. I'm sorry for all the long posts. I NEVER talk about this stuff and all of a sudden it's just gushing out.
>>>I NEVER talk about this stuff and all of a sudden it's just gushing out. It needs gushing out. You've held it in too long, probably. If your mother is at this sort of spot, it may be time to hand her over to somebody else. It sounds like her issues are now more than you really can keep on top of, even with you giving up your life, job, and everything else. I'm not sure what your options are, but you might need to work on rallying support from your family and friends (emotional rather than fiscal) to think about what to do next. Lex
Not really an option. I've never been close to my family, mostly because of location. I'm close to my sister, but she's off in Kentucky at a Catholic college. The last thing I want to do is give her added stress. She knows what it's like and she trying to distance herself from it, which I fully support. As for friends, I haven't had one of those since fifth grade. I'm a quiet, antisocial type of person and I've never really clicked with the people around me. I simply don't have anyone to go to for support or to even talk to about everything. I've been more or less stuck going it alone. As for handing her off to someone else, any options related to medicare require her to hand over her SSI check to pay for her care. If I don't have a job before that happens, there would be no way to pay the mortage and we'd lose the house. Not to mention her debt problems. That's why sending her to stay with a relative seems to be the only option.
I don't know if you have tried this but have you talked to the county? I think you need to get your mom a social worker and finding resources to help with you feeling overwhelmed. The county could possibly provide respite care which would give you a break during the week. Just take a deep breath and start calling people. Somebody will help you find a better living situation for you and your mom.
I just talked to a neighbor (their daughter was best friends with my sister) and told them what was going on. She said she'd talk to a social worker she knows who works for the school system and find out what kind of help we may be able to get and who to talk to. Really, I feel like this is all my fault. She should be able to get into a long term care facility without any trouble, but the only reason it's not happening is because she knows I'll end up homeless if she does. I actually had been working on finding a job for months since we realized she needs to be in a facility but I've had absolutely no luck. I have a bit of a history that makes it hard to be taken seriously by potential employers. It doesn't help that the only place I've worked that I could put down for references has since closed down leaving me at a severe disadvantage. I'm not trying to make excuses. Most of the problem is me. I'm not taken seriously because I have terrible social skills. I get in a situation where I have to deal with other people and my mind shuts down. I come off as slow, dull, and rather pathetic. I end up seeming like someone who can't do the job or who would be unreliable, even though I have a lot to offer. I just feel like if I was stronger this would all be settled. I feel rather pathetic and weak. Sorry for what seems like a lot of self pity. I really just need to get this all out of my system. Anyway, does anyone have any tips for job hunting or how I can be taken more seriously? I really need to work this out before I can get anywhere.
Maybe you should bring your mom to a TCU...until she gets better...they have great care at TCUs and healthcare providers will constantly be there for help at any moments need...that way you can not have it all on your shoulders and get back to working your normal job and daily stuff
Send an email explaining your situation to [email protected]. They are a large consumer advocacy blog with millions of readers (part of Consumer Reports). DirectTV is a frequent offender. They may not respond to your individual request, but if Consumerist reports the problem, they'll fall all over themselves to make things right for you. Your bank might also respond and help. The power of a million consumers hearing about how a company ripped off a low-income ill person can't be understimated. If I were you and had the time and inclination, I would also file a small claims lawsuit against DirectTV for both the amount they stole as well as some compensation for your time and difficulty in making things right, as what they did was fraud. And your bank should also, with some insistence, be willing to reverse the charges since they were not authorized and since the rep defrauded your mother by representing one thing and doing something else. Banks and companies get away with crap like this because they can... until called on it.
That's interesting and I'll look into it. If there's some way we can get our money back and pay them in our own time it would be worth looking into. The bank said we could file a dispute, but right now the money is on hold and nothing can be done until it's been received by the company. I don't know about a lawsuit. I don't know how much of a case we would have. I can't know for sure how much she was lied to and how much she misunderstood. I do know they didn't tell her they would automatically take the whole amount, because even she would never give them the information then. According to the customer service rep I talked to, it's written policy in the contract that states they will take the whole amount you owe when you give them your information. Since it was company policy there was no one who could stop it and they were within their rights. I can't argue that they deserved to get the money we owed them, but we weren't ready for this and now it's a major problem. I wasn't involved with the initial TV subscription so I didn't know anything about what was going on in the contract.
I looked at that site and it's frightening how much Direct TV has gotten away with. The even listed several cases similar to ours. We had always planned to resume our service with them once we got the finances straight but I don't think that's going to happen now. It would be cheaper to buy a computer with WiFi service than have to deal with those fees. I'm going to call back Direct TV Monday morning and make sure everything is really settled so they don't end up charging us more unexpected fees. I'll send an email to Consumerist.com tomorrow morning (I'm still too upset to get this together tonight). They probably can't do anything to help, but they can warn people in similar situations.
