How can I come out when I'm not even sure about the closet I'm in

<<Is it strange that I fear more the loss of my friends than risking the disapproval of my parents?>>
No. definitely not. I'm only able to even consider coming out to my parents now that i know i can survive without them. my friends have already been the only thing keeping me sane for a long time; my parents are only convenience.

Now, lets get this clear. i have nothing against bisexuality.

But there was a time when i thought i was bisexual, but about four months ago, i realised the reactions i'd been getting from guys was totally of my own creation. i was trying to hold onto that straight part of me. my subconcious had basically taught my body to react sexualy to a guy. but it was all fake, and now its all fallen apart, and i know who and what i am. just something for you to consider...

 

Re: The title of your post: If you're still in a questioning phase, which is totally okay, and it's possible to always be, you probably don't really want to come out yet. Perhaps to your very closest friends, as questioning.

That was sort of what I did. I got reactions from 'you've just been single too long so now you're reacting to 'wanting' anybody'. Strangely though it has been the opposite. As I came to accept that I'm bisexual, I actually don't want anybody. As in, I'm totally content being single whereas before I was lonely all the time. I am openly attracted though, to anybody. I admit, it could be the prolonged singleness that opened me to understanding and accepting this. But it did not *cause* it. It was there all along, I just didn't notice it while I was dating because I was forcing myself to be interested in and date only guys because 'that's how it's supposed to be'. Except, sometimes it's not, and that's okay. It did feel pretty alien as I started to be aware of my feelings and attractions and actually accepting them takes effort. Still does. Always might.

I'm not sure of your age, but regardless, I think it's normal to be more afraid of losing friends than disapproval of your parents. But if you're young, be careful with the topic around your parents depending on how they are. You don't want to risk your relationship with if you live with them at least.

Good luck as you embark on the journey of questioning and discovering. It won't necessarily be easy, but it will probably be interesting at least. I'm curious to see what others have to say in this discussion you started.

 

Welcome to EC!

I can certainly relate to your story, as it's a bit similar to mine. I was plenty straight (or so I thought) until I turned 20, when I noticed that while all my friends were dating and/or hooking up, I just wasn't...well, women weren't really knocking me off my feet. I found them attractive enough, certainly, and that's what I thought about while jerking off. But I didn't really find my eyes drawn to them the way my friends all seemed to. Then one day, I decided to ogle a guy just to see what happened. And it was like a lightbulb going off in my head. And the whole idea didn't scare me, really. It was just so damned WEIRD. As in "I'm 20, and I've been sexually active for at least half a decade. If I'm really gay, why didn't I notice until now? Shouldn't a guy have caught my eye before now?" I decided to ride the wave for awhile, and wait to see if this phase would wear off. After several months, I decided it wasn't, and I came out to myself and everybody else.

That's me, of course. As it turns out, I wasn't really interested in women. You perhaps still will be.

And yeah, it's not surprising you're worried more about your friends than your family. For one thing, you're doing this a bit later than most. With most people, they go through this when they're still living at home, and the idea of "going it alone" is a lot scarier than it is when you're 23. But do know that most people do tend to take it better than we expect we will.

How should you come out? As "undecided". As long as you're somewhat tight with your friends, you should be able to basically tell them where you are right now. "I've found that I'm actually starting to get attracted to guys in addition to girls. I don't know if that means I'm bisexual or what. I figure I'll just play it by ear for now."

Lex

 

My personal opinion, would be not to tell anymore people. I'm not saying this in a mean way. All I'm saying, is if this really IS just a little phase, and it will pass, it's going to be pretty tough convincing the people you came out to that you are in fact, totally straight. I'd just wait it out for a little bit.

 

Dude, it's like I lost five years, moved to Alberta and posted this ten months later.

Just saying your story sounds a lot like mine, right down to the "tremendously shy" part. All I can give you for advice is that you should start forgetting about what society wants, or likes, or dislikes. Once you do that, you can focus on what you want, like and dislike. I don't like women because society tells me that as a male, I should like them. I like them because I find them sexy. This made coming to terms with my sexuality harder, as I could honestly say "I'm not gay because I like women" and mean it. Of course, I was in denial about also liking guys.

Eventually I said "fuck it" and decided that I like people regardless of gender. The term "pansexual" is actually more accurate than "bisexual", but of course you say "pan" and people don't know what the hell you're talking about so bi will have to do.

Feel free to PM me once you've got enough posts if you'd like to get some of my more.. err.. pansexual opinions.

 

i identify with pensexuality too, somewhat. To me the gender just doesn't matter. In a seeming incongruity though, i tend to find far more women than men attractive, and i don't know why. But you could be bi, you could be pan, you could be gay, you could end up doing a complete 360 and end up back on straight street. Don't worry about coming out until you know, though... and don't feel the pressure to need to know any quicker than you naturally can without exerting undue stress on yourself.

 

It felt completely wrong for me. It was just an awful feeling, but it was just all part of my internalized homophobia. Once I was able to get over that then life started being pretty freaking amazing. It took a very good time in order for me to completely get over it though, but oh well.

This is also the reason why many gay guys come out as bi before they come out as gay. Its easier to do a transition than to just completely jump into the gay label.

 

Then perhaps you need a Joker or a Penguin to keep your Batman busy.

Lex

 

This isn't too different from myself. I'd noticed my gay feelings at some level at an earlier age than you, but in terms of the age I started to act on them, similar to you, about two years ago now.

There's a finely graded scale of sexuality. There are some boys who are clearly gay in their post-puberty years and never have any real attraction to girls. In my case, I think I had to go through and have had at least one meaningful relationship with a girl before going on and feeling that was in the past. So this small level of heterosexuality that can be satisfied and that you can move on from isn't that unusual going by the posts on this forum.

You say you're out to a few close confidants. I'd say talk a little more to them, and if you or any of them have gay friends, try to go out in their company, see if you could meet someone. It's one thing when there's that theoretical boy you want to cuddle with, another when you realize that you've started noticing someone.

Don't worry if you don't end up with someone too quickly. It was November 2008 that I knew I wanted to be with a boy (because I realized I'd fallen for a straight friend of mine), but January of this year I first kissed a boy, who I've been dating since May. But having those few confidants is good, if even for the just occasional comment that you think someone's cute.

I wouldn't dismiss bisexuality as a possibility, and just this year I read a biography of Evelyn Waugh and Christopher Hitchens' autobiography, both of whom were bisexual in their twenties and straight much later. I think some who feel bisexual have a fear that being with a boy will make it more difficult to be with a girl later on. Well, if it does, it might mean you're mostly gay, and what would be wrong with that? And if it doesn't, if you can find luck with either of the course of your life, well there's just more variety in your life.

---
Oh, in terms of the question, what do you come out as. Start with "I think I have a crush on [boy's name]". If they ask more, you can tell them that you still like girls, or whatever.

 

just noticed i'd typo'd it as "pensexuality", how embarrassment =P

Well, does the knowledge that you will soon have the answer help? It's not as though it will forever remain a mystery... In fact, you're actively partaking in the investigation to discover the answer, which is more than many have the courage to do.

 

Well, I'd say that if you have random fantasies about cuddling with a guy and getting a warm fuzzy feeling about it, that's definitely not something a lot of straight people have. I have heard a lot about people denying their subconsciousness was telling them something they needed to know. I've never heard of people led totally astray by their subconscious.

What mainly caught my eye earlier in the thread was this:

I can really sympathise with that. Even though I'm 99,99% sure I'm gay, came out to 90% of the people that matter, and am on most occasions pretty happy about that, I can't help but occasionally entertain doubts whether I'm somehow not making a huge mistake. And I have much the same in finding someone to date. I tend to rather take the shy route than risk getting it wrong and ending up making myself and others unhappy.

I think this is also an issue of being a perfectionist. You seem to want to do things the right way, and not make any mistakes you could have seen coming. That's a lofty goal (and one that I share very much). But some things just can't be planned perfectly before execution. The trick is to slightly let go of that fear and accept that:

- People do break up for other reasons than incompatible sexuality. It could just as well be that you meet a boy, find out that boys are totally your thing, but it doesn't work out anyway. too bad, but the important thing is that you (and presumably the other guy as well) learned from it. Heartache hurts, but it can also make you grow

- There are stages in between. Even if you're aiming for a "proper" relationship right away, you'll first have to notice a guy, flirt a bit, talk a bit more, go on a date or two or three. And in between you'll have time to think.
Speaking for myself again, I never have done more then flirting with a guy, but at that point, it just felt so totally right (while I'm naturally flirty with girls, it never feels more than witty banter with them). So you will find out if that goes for you too. At any of these partial stages, you can call it a day and walk off.

Yes, it might feel like a bit of a gamble. Considering the possible prize, I'd say it might be worth it, if you progress at your own pace.

 

Hey,

Forgive me I haven't read every detail in this thread, but while skimming I saw some things I relate to. I also really struggled with the 'uncertainty' around my sexuality. I HATED not having a definitive answer. I also had absolutely no clue about it, nor had it ever occurred to me that I might not be straight, until I was 23. I went through a good 8 months or so of arguing with myself about it. It was a slow process, and during that time I came on here trying to work things out. People kept telling me to give it time, and I found that really frustrating. I wanted an answer! Well, I now have my answer, but it certainly wasn't like working out an algebra problem or something. There wasn't a time when I went "right, I know the answer!" It just happened gradually. Lol, so that probably doesn't help you other than to know others have been through similar things.

But, re: coming out... I just wanted to say, think about WHY you want to come out. Is it that you feel pressure to tell people the 'truth'? Is it that you want some support around this discovery process? Something else? For me, I agonised about telling my Mum for ages. I ended up coming out to her by telling here where I was at: "I'm still working this out, but here's where I'm at right now..." I found it really helped, because I didn't have the 'pressure' of sticking to what I came out as, but it meant I had someone I could talk openly to about this stuff. I also found that when I started telling people what was going on for me, it made it more real, and therefore made it easier to grasp and work out. Does that make sense?