1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I was asked on a date, but...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by awesomeap88, Sep 16, 2010.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

Page 1 of 2
  1. awesomeap88

    awesomeap88
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2008
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Land Down Under
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    So, there's this guy, who for the sake of this exercise we shall call "B". B works at the gay bar in town. We swapped phone numbers and he added me to Facebook. Now, it's become quite obvious to everyone over the past few weeks that he fancies me. However, I honestly don't know how I feel about B. Sure, I like the guy as a friend and I like the fun and flirty thing that we seem to have going, but I don't know if I like him more than a friend, or if I want to take it further by going into a relationship with him.

    Tonight, we were chatting on Facebook when he wrote, "maybe one day we could go on an official date, yeah?" I had absolutely no idea what to say in reply. I have never been asked on a date by a guy before. In the end I replied with "yeah, maybe". It probably wasn't the best thing to say, but it was the only thing I could think of. This is how the conversation continued:

    B: maybe ouch lol
    Me: aww
    Me: now I feel bad
    B: i got rejected :frowning2:
    Me: I didn't say no
    B: didn't say yes

    After that, the conversation just died. I couldn't think of what to say to that. I am not entirely certain whether or not he felt like he was actually rejected (sometimes in a text-based conversation with B it's a bit hard to tell when he's being serious and when he isn't), but I think this time he actually did feel rejected.

    I don't really know what to do now. I'm really nervous about this sort of stuff.

    1. Obviously, I need to talk to B about this and us. I will be seeing him at the gay bar on Saturday night. Should I wait until then or should I send him a message?

    2. Should I go on a date with him, despite my reservations about the way I feel about him?
     
    #1 awesomeap88, Sep 16, 2010
  2. Walolas

    Walolas
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2010
    Messages:
    121
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Talk to him first. I would say a short email soon to tell him you want to discuss this in person. Tell him how you feel and that ATM you are good with just bring friends but sometime in the future a date is possible if your feelings change. That's my two cents.
     
    #2 Walolas, Sep 16, 2010
  3. Darkwing65

    Darkwing65
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2009
    Messages:
    299
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Albuquerque, New Mexico
    Why not go on a date with him? Whats the real harm? You obviously like him, and he you. Who knows, maybe this "date" will help you decide your true feelings. You wont know the chemistry between the two of you until you test it out.

    Change is scary, but your a different person every second; you better get use to it.
     
    #3 Darkwing65, Sep 16, 2010
  4. Filip

    Filip
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think it would be best to contact him beforehand. Otherwise it risks becoming an awkward thing hanging between you when you're in a public setting like a gay bar.

    And honesty is probably the best recourse here. Tell him what you just told us: that you've never been asked on a date, and the question startled you. And that you honestly don't know how to feel about it.

    Now, what you could also do is saying you could go out for drinks or lunch. Not an official date, but just to talk outside of the gay-bar setting.
    However, whether to do that is entirely up to you. But if you don't know if you like him as more than a friend (and think it could go either way), there's no harm in exploring the friendship, if he'd be able to treat it as "not an official date".
     
    #4 Filip, Sep 16, 2010
  5. malachite

    malachite
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2009
    Messages:
    2,769
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Orlando
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    go on the date, it'll help you figure out your feelings, if there is nothing there then tell him so.
     
    #5 malachite, Sep 16, 2010
  6. Jim1454

    Jim1454
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    What is it about him that makes you question getting into a deeper relationship with him? Anything in particular about him? Or is it more of a general hesitation to get into a relationship with anyone. Sometimes you just need to try something on to know if you like it.
     
    #6 Jim1454, Sep 16, 2010
  7. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,559
    Likes Received:
    4,757
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You didn't mean to, but in dating parlance, you gave him what would have been interpreted as a major dis or rejection, and he picked up on it. "Yeah, maybe" is translated, in that context, to be "um no, but I don't want to actually say that so I'll give a heavily qualified maybe."

    So first thing I'd do is PM him and say something like "Hey, I'm really sorry, I think my response came across completely wrong. The last thing I wanted to do was reject you, but I've never had anyone ask me out before and I was just totally caught by surprise."

    And then... I'd go on the date. :slight_smile: There's no commitment implied with a single date, but if you want to make sure, you can just say "This is all new to me so I'd be more comfortable if we just think of it as hanging out together" or something.

    I could see how the prospect of *any* relationship with a guy might be scary if you haven't had one before. For one thing, it's going to bring up any last unprocessed stuff about being gay (i.e, until you're in a relationship, being gay is still somewhat theoretical. Once you start dating guys, it's harder to deny to yourself.) For another, relationships can be scary territory for most anyone because there's so much self-judgement and fear of being judged and so forth.

    But you get over that by stretching yourself and taking some risks. And this seems like a pretty safe one to take. I'd say go for it and give it a shot :slight_smile:
     
    #7 Chip, Sep 16, 2010
  8. Lexington

    Lexington
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There's almost NEVER a time where the truth won't work. That doesn't mean you shouldn't make the truth palatable, of course. Saying "I'm honored that you'd ask me, but I don't think I'd like to go out with you" is better than "I'd rather go Slip'n'Sliding on broken glass and rubbing alcohol".

    Similarly, you could have told him what you told us. "I like you as a friend OK. But I'm not sure I'm interested in anything beyond that. If you'd like to hang out sometime, and go on a platonic sort of date to see if we click a bit more, sure, I'd be up for that." That makes it very clear where you're coming from, and it wouldn't look like you're rejecting him.

    Lex
     
    #8 Lexington, Sep 16, 2010
  9. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,559
    Likes Received:
    4,757
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Actually, I think Lex said it better than I did.

    My point was that your friend (incorrectly) feels dissed, and you should clarify that... but if you really don't feel anything for him, then saying something closer to what Lex said is a much better choice over what I suggested.
     
    #9 Chip, Sep 16, 2010
  10. MagicalMatt

    MagicalMatt
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2010
    Messages:
    192
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Stillwater, OK
    I am in a similar spot, only I've been on two dates with him now. I'd say go on one date, and feel it out. Don't give him too much "encouragement" unless you decide you do like him.

    That way, if you don't, you can explain things afterwards. "I had fun, but I just don't think it would work", etc.
     
    #10 MagicalMatt, Sep 16, 2010
  11. awesomeap88

    awesomeap88
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2008
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Land Down Under
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It's about time I posted a reply to this. I tried to write one last night after I got home from work, but I had so many thoughts going through my head about the whole situation that nothing I wrote made any sense. Even this reply has taken me hours!

    First of all, I am going to say thanks to all of you for replying. I was only expecting a couple of responses!

    I have decided to just wait until tonight and speak to B in person. Really, if I was going to send him a message I should have done it yesterday and I don't think a few extra hours now is going to make much difference (plus I think sending him a message is a bit impersonal; it was a text-based conversation that got me into this mess after all).

    I certainly didn't mean for my response to be taken the way B appears to have taken it, and I feel bad about that. I don't think the problem lies with B at all (he's a nice guy and deserves to be happy), it lies with me. I'm so inexperienced when it comes to guys and the dating game, and this combined with other issues (extreme shyness is one of them; my largely closeted status is another) doesn't help at all.

    I think the thing that really freaked me out about it was that he used the word "official". When I saw that, the logic going through my head was something like "official date = officially dating = official relationship" and like I said in my earlier post, I just don't know if I want to get into a relationship with B.

    Another issue that I didn't even think of until after I had made my initial post and gone to bed is that of crushing on other guys. I won't deny it, there are a few guys that I kinda fancy (who I know are gay/bi and single). I worry that if I make a commitment to B (someone who I am not sure of my feelings about) that I won't get a chance with any of those guys (if that makes any logical sense).

    I almost feel that the more I think about this the more confused I get.
     
    #11 awesomeap88, Sep 18, 2010
  12. donnie5

    donnie5
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2007
    Messages:
    342
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    omaha, ne
    IMHO I would say honesty hoesty honesty If you think you might like him but dont know then by all means go on a date with him but be completley honest tell him you werent sure about the date. tell him you didnt know if you guys would love each other. honesty is the heart and soul of any loving working relationship and if you guys werent meant to date and only be friends then the honesty at the beigginig will be beneficial
     
    #12 donnie5, Sep 18, 2010
  13. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,559
    Likes Received:
    4,757
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Here again, I think a little clarification is in order.

    In my opinion, "official date" implies no commitments. It's just a term used to differentiate from "hanging out" which is something that friends do when there's no romantic interest. A first "official date" is a no-commitment opportunity for the parties to meet with the intention of getting to know one another better, with the idea that there's a chance that something might later develop out of it. So while it says "Hey you seem like a cool guy, and it might be fun to get to know you a little better, and who knows, maybe something could develop out of it", it does not mean "We're dating / we're starting a relationship" or anything like that.

    It's silly that language is so confusing and people get so hung up about it, but somewhere somebody evolved this social game that we all seem to be expected to understand and subscribe to. No big deal once you understand it :slight_smile:
     
    #13 Chip, Sep 18, 2010
  14. paco

    paco Guest

    what i'm seeing most here is that you're nervous about an official relationship. in theory, we all want someone to like us, but in reality, having someone like you is kinda frightening and when they show their interest it's easy to go in to defense mode and just block them out and trick yourself into thinking that you're uninterested. it's instinctive self preservation. a first date/first relationship if we want to go that far means there's going to be a change in your life, and humans have this habit of ...well, liking habits and fearing change.

    not saying you should turn around and date the guy, but just kinda think about it. if you can't put your finger on what it is about him that you don't like, then it could just be your habit trying to win out. and who really wants to be single?

    p.s. there will always be other hot guys, they will never stop being hot, they'll just be less interesting cause one took their place.
     
    #14 paco, Sep 18, 2010
  15. peaceandlies

    peaceandlies
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2010
    Messages:
    262
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    In a Dream.
    when you see him in the bar, walk up to him and say 'i've thought about it, and i really would like to go on a date with you'. then play it out. it cant really hurt.
     
    #15 peaceandlies, Sep 19, 2010
  16. awesomeap88

    awesomeap88
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2008
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Land Down Under
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Well, for the past few days I had been writing a rather lengthy update because things changed rather dramatically on Saturday night. However, with what just happened earlier, it's suffice to say that I have blown it. BIG TIME.

    In short, I didn't speak to B about the situation from Thursday night when I went to the gay bar on Saturday night. He didn't bring it up and neither did I. There didn't appear to be any tension between us arising from it and he appeared to be his normal, happy, joke-y self. In the end, my gut instinct was to just let sleeping dogs lie and that's what I did.

    However, a bit later on after B had started working, I was introduced to another guy, who for the sake of the exercise we shall call "C". I don't know why, but I was just drawn to C straight away. Anyway, we got talking and as the night progressed this lead to C and I making out and getting a little intimate. At the end of the night, we exchanged numbers and shared a taxi (the place he was staying was on my way home).

    Over the following days, I had barely stopped thinking about C and the situation with B. I really like C and had decided that he was someone that I wanted to pursue for a relationship with. However, I had kept the situation with B in mind and I knew it was going to hurt him when I told him. Today though, I started thinking that I wasn't so certain and started getting a little confused about things. I really liked C, but there are a lot of issues that would have to be overcome should I pursue a relationship with him, not to mention that he might have come to realise over the past few days I'm not what he's looking for anyway. There's also that possibility that I just got caught up in the lust of the moment. With B, I know he fancies me, but I'm not sure how much I fancy him. I also struggle to see any relationship between us lasting all that long (if we ever got to that point). In case you can't tell by now, decisiveness is anything but my strong point (I tend to overthink things).

    Fast forward to tonight. For the past few days I had been avoiding appearing online on Facebook whenever I saw B's name in my list of online friends knowing that the topic of us would have to come up in conversation. I did this so I could hopefully find out whether C likes me before dealing with B. After all, I don't want to waste my time pursuing C if he isn't interested. However, tonight I didn't see him come online and he started talking before I got the chance to go offline. After we got past the usual "hello, how are you" thing, the conversation went like this:

    B: howd things go with that random stranger on sat nite? (the random stranger being C)
    Me: i'm not sure how much i want to say about that...
    B: good or bad that's all i wanted lol...
    Me: lol um... it went pretty good
    could have gone better though
    B: in other wordsssssss i may as well stop trying now?
    (10 minutes later; I was taking my time trying to figure out what to say)
    B: ok i get it
    Me: i have been dreading this conversation all week
    at the moment i have absolutely no idea where my head is when it comes to this part of my life
    B: mm
    Me: and i need time to figure things out
    i'm sorry that i can't give you a yes or no answer at this time
    B: whatevs
    Me: don't be like that
    B: well what did u expect i thought we were getting somewhere
    but apparently not
    so whatevs
    Me: i didn't go out on saturday night to meet a random stranger
    (a bit later)
    B: hmm
    Me: hmm what
    B: nevermind
    (a bit later again)
    B: i'm off now
    Me: ok
    i'm really sorry about all of this
    B: whatevs

    I feel terrible to do this to B. I knew this conversation was never going to end well. All I wanted was time to figure things out and it blew up in my face like I expected.

    I don't want to sound like I am defending my actions on Saturday night, but I didn't go out to meet a guy and to do the stuff we did, and I certainly didn't expect to fall for anyone like I did.

    I don't know what to do now.
     
    #16 awesomeap88, Sep 22, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2010
  17. Lexington

    Lexington
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    What you did with C wasn't the issue, I don't think. There's a more overriding issue. You might do well to go through this section and read all the threads that of the type "I don't know what he wants" or "I don't know if he likes me". Because it's nice to hear things from the other side for a change. :slight_smile: Consider.

    You didn't talk to B about him asking you out. I know that would be a bit of an awkward conversation, but that wasn't "letting sleeping dogs lie". It left him in limbo, not knowing at all what your thought process was.

    You didn't talk to B about C. In fact, you purposely avoided B whenever he was online. I know you said that was because you wanted to check your chances with C before you deal with B, but that's a bit unreasonable, especially considering you're friends with B. In this case, your silence was interpreted as "screw you, B - I got C now, and I don't want anything more to do with you". And given the situation, I'd say that would be the logical conclusion.

    Then when you finally do talk, again, long silences. Which he naturally assumed meant "go away". So he did.

    So there's your main lesson, I think. If you avoid talking to somebody, your silence is going to speak for you.

    Let's rewind to Sunday morning (or afternoon). You go online. You see B is online. You send him a "hello" message, and he asks how your night with C went. And you answer.

    "I had a good time. :slight_smile: We made out a bit, then shared a cab home...to our respective homes. It was kind of strange. I felt an immediate spark with him. And that's something, frankly, I haven't really felt with you. I do like you, and I like hanging out with you. But this was just....different. Not sure if it'll lead anywhere, though."

    Had you done that, you would've laid your cards on the table. Nothing in there is inaccurate. You're keeping him in the loop, and letting him know where you stand with him. Yeah, it might not be something he'd be overjoyed to find out, but considering where he is now, I'd say it'd be the much better move.

    So now what? Up to you. Do you want to try to salvage the relationship? If you want, you can decide that talking to him about stuff like this is just too far outside your comfort zone, in which case you might want to just consider that the end. But if you're wanting to remain friends, write to him. And spell it all out. Keep it all on YOU, though. Alter as you see fit.

    I wanted to talk to you about the last week or so. First off, I was flattered that you asked me out, although I was a bit confused. Because I'd only really thought of you in the "friend" category. I do like you, and I do like hanging out with you, but I never really considered you anything beyond that level. I thought that maybe if we hung out a bit more, I'd see if something developed.

    But I didn't tell you any of that. Mistake number one.

    Then I met C on Saturday night. And we clicked pretty quickly. It's something I haven't really felt with you - just an immediate physical attraction. So we kissed, made out a bit, then went home - separately. I thought I might like to pursue something with C, but I wasn't sure if C really was interested in that, or if it was just "one of those things". And I felt a bit weird about chasing C knowing that you were still interested.

    But I didn't tell you any of that. Mistake number two.

    In fact, I kept ducking you because I didn't know what to say, or what to do. Mistake number three.

    When we finally did talk yesterday, I should've simply laid my cards out on the table. Instead, I sat there quietly and let you do all the heavy lifting, and mainly told you how uncomfortable I was with the whole thing, and saying "I didn't mean to hook up with somebody". Which probably didn't make me look good at all, and probably made you feel worse than you would've otherwise. Mistake number four.

    So first off, I'd like to apologize for all of it. I'm afraid I'm not really good at telling people things that they don't want to hear, and I instead actively avoid talking to them. I'm realizing that this often makes things a lot worse than they were, so I guess that's something I really need to work on.

    Next, about "us". As I said above, I do like you. I do like hanging out with you. But to date, I don't really feel any "spark" for you. If you're interested in doing some more one-on-one activities, and seeing if something develops, I'm all for that. But right now, I'm not feeling anything beyond "friend". And if at all possible, I'd like to keep you as a friend, because I value you as such. Even if I haven't been acting like it much as of late.

    Lex
     
    #17 Lexington, Sep 22, 2010
  18. Filip

    Filip
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm not going to chime in with too much new points, but I'm just going to say I agree with Lex.

    The important thing about communication is not about getting the perfect words out or getting the perfect explanation, but it's about the communication itself. that way other people see you're keeping themin the loop and thinking they matter.
    And by avoiding B, leaving 10 minute gaps (especially over the internet!), it might look like you're leaving things like they are, but in reality, you're leaving them to fester and ferment into something much worse.

    So yeah, as blunt as it is, you messed up.
    The proposed letter above is a very good one to sort that out, though. No "in my defense" or "This is why you should understand". Just excuses, and an explanation on where you stand.

    Don't feel too bad about it. It happens, especially if you're new to this. First time I was asked out on a date (by a girl, alas), I didn't react much better. And it took some rather fortright communication to sort that out. But in the end, things can be repaired, if you don't leave them lie for too long.
     
    #18 Filip, Sep 23, 2010
  19. awesomeap88

    awesomeap88
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2008
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Land Down Under
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I doubt it really matters now, but during the gap in the conversation after I said the bit about not going out on Saturday night to meet a random stranger, B went offline then came back online. I don't know if he came back on after reading that expecting me to continue or for some other reason.

    Lex, you are totally right (as usual), and you have raised good points too, Filip. For a long time I have had a lot of trouble trying to express my thoughts to other people, about how I feel about things. I also hate upsetting and disappointing people too. I think I use silence to avoid things I don't want to face, even though I know I shouldn't.

    I want to salvage whatever I can of a friendship with B. In a way, I have to; after all, I don't want to stop going to the gay bar but I don't want B to be uncomfortable either (not only does he work there, we largely share the same friends). Anything more than friendship though, whether I wanted it or not, is most probably not possible (I have screwed things up way too much) and I accept the full blame for that.

    I will write him the message in the morning because it's nearly 1:00 am and that's far too late for me to be starting this stuff now. I'm just hoping it won't backfire. I have seen comments he wrote on his FB status from last night. They don't leave me confident about being successful at all (there was one about "not bitching about someone on FB without doing it to their face first", and another about how he has "dealt with man sluts before"). However, I have to try.
     
    #19 awesomeap88, Sep 23, 2010
  20. awesomeap88

    awesomeap88
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2008
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Land Down Under
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I have a long overdue update.

    I wrote the message to B. I used Lex’s message, but changed quite a bit of it so it was my own words, as well as added a couple of bits here and there. After getting it checked over in case I said the wrong thing, I sent it to B on Saturday afternoon.

    I received a brief reply from him that evening. He admitted that he probably over reacted. He also said that we will work this out, but asked me to be patient as he is under a lot of stress at the moment due to work, etc.

    To be honest, I was expecting to be told to go to hell or something similar, so I am quite relieved it seems to have gone well. However, I am under no illusion that this is by any means resolved. Saying that we will sort this out is much different to actually sorting it out, but it’s a start. I’m not going to pressure him into anything and I will give him the time he needs.
    On Monday night, we had a bit of a conversation over FB. I chose not to bring this up because I didn’t think it was my place to bring it up. I also thought he would have brought it up, but he didn’t and to me the whole conversation just felt a bit weird or awkward knowing that this was still sort of hanging over us.

    Now, I have just one more thing to ask about. What should I do about C? I really liked him and I still kinda want to see how far I can get with him. However, I know the B situation is not fully resolved and I am worried that if I try anything with C it could jeopardise all the progress I have made with B. I also haven’t been in contact with C since the day after the night we did that stuff together. It’s pretty much been a week and a half since then, and he would have no idea about all of this stuff that has happened. I had been planning on sending him a text message (I can’t call him because he said his phone can’t receive calls for some odd reason), but I kept putting it off and then all of this stuff with B blew up, etc. I do want to get in touch with C again and I am thinking about sending him a text probably sometime tonight, just to see how he is going.
    Should I get back in contact with C, or should I just forget about him?
     
    #20 awesomeap88, Sep 28, 2010
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 1 of 2