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Someone shoot me

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Bario, Sep 20, 2010.

  1. Bario

    Bario Guest

    SIGH
    Thats all I can do lately, just sigh. I am so tired all the time, and I'm always in a shitty mood. I havent been getting much sleep lately (even less than my usual tiny amount of sleep) and I just dont have it in me to keep going like this. I get up at freaking 6:30 am to go to school, if I wasnt so slow getting ready, I would be able to get up at 7:30, but that isnt the way it works. So I start off at an ungodly hour, and I go all day. I usually go to sleep at about 11:00-12:00, getting into bed at 9:00pm and lying awake for hours. I recently worked out that the meds I am taking are to blame for my horrible sleeping habits. I never even took notice of it before, it has been like this for at least 70% of my conscious life, as far back as I can remember at least. But I get, at most, around 7 hours of sleep each night, usually even less. At the worst of times, I wont sleep at all. I am dreading tomorrow, I have agriculture class for 2 hours, an hour being bored in the classroom, and an hour digging in the gardens. Not exactly a good thing for someone who gets as little sleep as I do. I cant even get up to do things. I am constantly tired and it puts me in a shit mood, and I take it out on people, which I hate doing. I have a very badly developed body aswell, (lots and lots of leg and back problems) and I am in constant pain. It is an excruciating, sharp, hot pain that shoots through my entire body, stabbing at my legs, arms and head in a constant spiralling vortex of screaming torment and agony. (I dont need any medical advice on my this though, I know what is to blame, my evil, evil feet, and I have sorted it out. A lot of good that did though, damn orthodics are a waste of good money, $300 down the drain.) Right at the moment, I have a splitting, screaming headache, my back is in absolute agony, it is so bad that I literally cant see straight, I took some paracetamol a few hours ago, but that didnt help at all. I got a bit too much sun on Friday, and am still recovering from the sun sickness, which is really not helping. I am so tired, I just want it all to end, by any means possible.
    I am also experiencing a recent aversion to life in general. I dont think this is linked to much other than all the stress I am under lately. I have already missed 3 essays at school, and will soon be missing an oral presentation. My grades are really suffering from all the stress. Stress comes in a few forms; school and the fact that I am missing so many assignments, my horrid sleeping patterns, and all this stress about all this closet crap. (I will deal with this on my own though, just one of the hardships of life.) Anyway, I cant concentrate on anything. Today I actually skipped two classes, I've never done that before, and it scares me. I guess one unexplained absence wont hurt, the limit for each class is 6, I used up one in two of my classes, still giving myself some room, but I dont want to get into a habit of this. I did have a nice conversation with a friend during that time though, so it wasnt all bad. I missed a couple of really good opportunities to come out to that friend today aswell, but I just didnt have the spine.
    Every day is the same thing. I get up early, I feel like crap all day, I dont eat properly so I feel even more crap, I walk home, exhausting myself, I slump down at the computer and dont get anything productive done all afternoon, then I get to bed late, and get to sleep even later, waking up the next morning to start the process again. It is really really horrible. The days are even starting to run together, this morning I couldnt tell if it was Saturday, Sunday or Monday. If I keep going like this I'm going to die someday soon. I'm stuck in a rut and i cant get out of it. The break is starting in a week, so that gives me 2 weeks to catch up with my body, but I dont know if I will last that long, and if I do, in 3 weeks, it all starts over again. Even with the 9 week break after next term, an extra short term, I dont know what will happen. Even after 9 whole weeks of doing nothing but sleeping and being generally lazy, I will have to start all over again. I feel so close to death right now that I am amazed that I didnt keel over five minutes ago.
    I'm so crammed in my current habits, my poor sleeping and eating, and the mountain of stress I am harbouring at the moment, I feel like I am going to physically explode, in fact, I dont have the energy to do even that, it will be more like a total molecular collapse. Ceasing to exits isnt on my wishlist for the next few years at least, so this isnt an option. I just want to a) die, b) die, c) die or d) all of the above. (Dont take this as a suicidal thought though, I have a moral aversion to suicide, it is the cowards way out.)
     
  2. chow

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    I just want to say that you should never give up hope. You seem to be very stressed and feel that you don't have enough sleep. Perhaps you can talk to a counsellor at school on your schoolwork? Also, try doing something if you can't sleep instead of lying awake in bed for 3 hours. Usually reading (the more complicated the better) does the trick for me. Is it possible to squeeze in a few extra hours of sleep over the weekends?

    I'm sure others here can give better advice though. Know that we'll always be here for you.(*hug*)
     
  3. Lexington

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    You asked in a previous thread if you might be depressed. I think you now have your answer - yes you are.

    You've ID'd what the problem (most likely) is. That's step number one. Now for step number two - do something about it. Go see your doctor. Immediately-if-not-sooner. S/he can help determine if this is indeed depression, and if it's more likely emotional or chemical in nature (or a combination). At that point, you can decide on a course of action to help get you back on track.

    Good luck.

    Lex
     
  4. asp3310

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    I agree with Lex. You should seek help from a doctor or at least a school counsellor. You are going through a hard phase, and there is no need to be miserable, it will only do you more harm.

    I don't know what it is like in Canberra, but in Sydney there are lots of youth centres where you can go and talk to a psychologist or counsellor. Maybe you could try this as well. They are usually very supportive and I am sure they are going to willingly help you.
     
  5. Jim1454

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    You're 16. You're miserable. You're physically and emotionally exhausted. You're on medication for something already and have been for years.

    Where are your parents in all of this? Do they know that you're struggling at home and at school? If not - tell them. Tell your parents how hard a time you're having right now. When my daughter is 16, I'd want her to tell me if she was as miserable as you. I'd want to do everything in my power to help her feel better.

    As has been suggested, then get to your doctor. List out all of the problems you're having. Some might be related. Others might not be. Get your doctor working on helping you feel better.

    Stop skipping classes. Being there is better than not being there - even if you aren't interested. Go to class, and do your homework. Make yourself a list, and get to it when you get home. Don't sit in front of the computer for hours at a time. Do your homework. Read, write, etc. Doing just 15 minutes worth will be better than doing nothing. The the positive energy that you get from actually doing 15 minutes of homework will likely inspire you to do another 15 minutes.
     
  6. Bario

    Bario Guest

    I had a slight suspicion that I may have been developing some sort of mild depression. As I have stated in another post, my Mum has it, and I'm sure I may have it. I dont feel like I do though. The extent of my misery is simply physical pain and being grumpy. I asked Mum today to book me an appointment about my meds, but she said that I have been on them far too long for them to have a sever side effect on me. I dont think this is true, but she was a nurse, so I dont know what to think. I dont know why I feel so crappy all the time, yet I dont get grumpy at others. Yes, I do snap at my brother a lot, and my parents from time to time, but I dont get angry with my friends. It is really confusing me. I have a rather bad cold/flu/hayfever or whatever at the moment, so I may have just been in a shitty state when I first posted all that stuff. But I do still feel really crappy all the time.
    It really doesnt feel, or seem like I am depressed at all though. I dont feel, well, depressed. I am in a crap mood all the time, and I do feel a general desire to do nothing lately, and my sleep has been screwwy aswell. But I dont feel, sound or look depressed. I have a lot of doubts about it, and am skeptical to say the least. But my parents wouldnt take me seriously about it even if I did tell them that I was worried about this.
    Example: Once upon a time, about 5 years ago, I broke my finger trying to catch a soccer ball someone had kicked toward me. I cryed, and whined, and screamed at my Mum that I thought it was broken. I was in so much pain that I couldnt think straight. It was only after 4 straight hours of me crying, that she finally decided that she had better take me to hospital. Low and behold, my finger was broken. It was infact, injured so badly, that after healing, it now sits on a slightly crooked angle to the rest of my fingers.
    You would think that of all people, a nurse would take her childrens whinings a bit more seriously. But no, thats just crazy, that not how the world works, is it? I could be dying of liver failure and she would probably think it was indegestion. But of course, the second the youngest sibling complains of a sore back, he is whisked away to the doctors, to find that he has a slight scoliosis. Or maybe the older brother has problems with his braces, and he gets right in to the orthodontist to get it fixed. Oh, little brother has bad blisters from his soccer shoes, we must get him to a doctor immediately! But where is little old me in all this? Sitting at home, broken and bruised, dying in a pool of blood. I dont even bother telling anyone that I have any problems anymore.
    It is a horrible life being the middle sibling. Too young to be the parents pride and joy, too old to be the favourite.
    Ooh, older brother is doing a big music course, and he is going to be a musician, oh but he doesnt have a good job and wont get off his lazy, freeloading arse and do something about it, well, lets give him money and a car! Whats that, he has a ton of really bad habits that affect everyone around him? Well, the onyl way to fix that, is to give him MORE money! Oh, little brother got an A in Maths, lets give him kisses and hugs and chocolate. But wait, whats that? He is a lazy, pompous little prick who expects to get paid for the work around the house he doesnt do? Well, we had better pay him $20 for that single time he put the rubbish out into the bin. Hmm, whats that, Pat is struggling at school? That cant be right, but we sure wont bother asking if he is alright. He isnt getting his work done? It cant possibly be that he is under a lot of stress, hes just a fat, lazy slob who will never amount to anything. Its not our fault that hes is horribly miserable, it must be his crazy, fucked up little head playing tricks on him. Oh, but we still send him plenty of mixed signals, so its alright. He cant possibly be trying his absolute hardest to do well at school and gain our approval, hes just a lazy little moron who deserves to die. Oh no, its perfectly fine that he was excluded from any kind of fun by his brothers when he was little. It didnt cause any problems for him. No, older brother and younger brother were just kids back then, they didnt mean to psycologically torture him by forming their own little faction and shunning and picking at him at every opportunity, boys will be boys, they meant no harm. No, being the object of scorn for two shitty little snot nosed fuckers didnt ruin his childhood. He didnt grow up knowing that the closest thing he had to a real brother was himself. But he must have had friends at school right? And of course, he didnt take his anger out on them, and ruin their relationships, did he? He didnt drive away everyone who ever liked him, he was a happy, pleasant little boy.
    No, I wasnt. It was horrible. My brothers hated me, my Dad scared me, and still does, and my Mum coddled me in a vain attempt to make it seem like she loved me. Out of the 7 friends I have now, 3 hate me, and the rest prefer spending time with other people to spending time with me. Nobody ever liked me, I was just that wierd little freak who exploded in a rage whenever he was pushed over the edge, which happened oh so very often. But of course, it was my fault wasnt it? Of course it couldnt possibly be everyone else treating me like dirt for my whole childhood that screwed me up, could it? No, thats crazy talk, the insane chatterings of a crazy little boy.
    I cant even be myself around anyone. I am more myself with my friends, but I still have far too many important secrets that have to stay bottled up inside. But I cant be me at all at home, I have to be 'home' Patrick, not real Pat. All of this crap has seriously screwed with my confidence aswell. I used to be very outgoing, and funny, and I even had a few more friends than now. But these days, I am this timid, docile little thing that anyone can push around. I just have to sit there and take all the insults like a good little boy. Oh, but if I try to fight back, I have cleary gone way too far. I cant be nasty, can I? Its reserved for others, and to be directed at me.
    Wow, I am a really horrible person, talking about my family and friends like this, arent I? It isnt their fault is it? Its just me, all these problems are in my head, I guess. Well, this makes me feel even more shit.

    Sorry, I got a little out of hand there. I dont usually talk like this, but I guess I just needed to get it all out. It just sort of flowed out. But now that I so realise how miserable I am, it scares me. I dont want to be like this, not at all. I probably should make an appointment with a counsellor, or something. The trouble with that is, I am a coward, and the last time I made an appointment with the school counsellor I freaked out and skipped the appointment.
    I cant go and see a therapist either, my parents wouldnt let me. They would just think I was over reacting. Its something I would want to sort out by myself, without anyone else needing to know, anyway.
    Well, this has made it a lot worse. I have started getting the shakes now, a sure sign of an imminent freak out.
    Everyones advice has helped though, thanks so much. Its given me a fair bit to think about.
    Back to what I was going to say, the school break is coming up pretty soon, so I will have some time to rest then. But like I said, afterwards, it starts all over again. I just cant go on like this. I honestly think that this routine will kill me some day. I just dont know what to do.:help:
     
    #6 Bario, Sep 20, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 20, 2010
  7. Jim1454

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    You're obviously quite upset. And possibly justifiably so. But being upset, ranting, assuming everyone hates you, concluding that you're a miserable person... none of those things actually improve your situation. None of them.

    Using something that happened 4 years ago (your broken finger) as an indicator of what will happen now isn't helpful either. You're now 16 and presumably capable of pulling together a coherant argument or statement about how you are feeling and what kind of help you think you need. So tell your parents. Tell them what is going on. Tell them how you're feeling. What's the worst that could happen? Nothing. Which is pretty much what is happening now - so no loss. What's the best that could happen? They could shatter all of these preconceived notions that you have in your head about what is 'likely' going to happen and how other people are 'likely' going to react to you - and they could take you seriously and get you the help that you need.

    You could certainly make another appointment with a counsellor at school and not "freak out" but instead go to the appointment. Write out what you want to say in advance, and if you're too nervous, just give the paper to the person and let them read it so that they can initiate the conversation.

    You aren't being forced to do nothing and stay on this course. It's a choice.
     
  8. Bario

    Bario Guest

    However anyone else chooses to interpret my situation, is their choice. But I know, for a fact, that I will have to deal with my problems on my own. Even now, I dont feel comfortable talking about it, this is me talking to people I will probably never meet, and even if I did, neither they, nor I, would know, but talking to my parents like this, not possible, not in the slightest. There are only a few more days of school left before the break and I am sick, so I cant talk to the counsellor. Besided, the counsellor deals with school problems, not serious stuff. I'd feel stupid going in and whining for an hour about my pathetic little problems. My whining isnt even justified, I am sure that there are thousands of people here with much bigger problems than me. I dont even know why I am saying all this, it isnt like me. I dont open up, I dont need to, I can keep my problems to myself, no-one needs to hear my issues. Besides, they have their own lives to live, their own problems, they dont deserve the extra burden of having to care about my problems. I wouldnt want them to care. I hate sounding like a whiney little bitch who cant sort out his own life. I have the legal obligation to cut out my innards and die a slow painful death the second I start whining about my life. Thankfully, whining on the internet is a minor offence, I merely get a small fine.
    I dont want anyone to worry about my problems, they are mine and it would be rude for me to burden anyone else with them. So just forget about this whole mess, I will sort it out myself.
    Thanks though. :slight_smile:
     
  9. Lexington

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    So, mission accomplished, then. Feel free to use this resource whenever you need it.

    Lex