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i'm avoiding the enevitable

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by darkcheesse, Sep 21, 2010.

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  1. darkcheesse

    darkcheesse
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    Well a few weeks ago I posted how I was quitting pot, well it lasted a week. I just can't stand the soul crushingness of reality. I feel like I need to sober up and start doing things with my life. But when I sober up, I lose the ability to be a fuctional member of society. I be come an emotional wreck, and spend half time crying and the rest feeling deppressed when I realise how shit my life attualy is.

    Also since I quit weed for a week, I've almost lost my apetite completely, I barly eat more than half a portion of chips and a packet of crisps. Which I know isn't healthy I apraoching nearly a stone underwieght but I still feel fat. I also don't like to eat round other people as they tend to have a go at me because I'm a noisey eater and I just get embrassed and quit eatting. Also some how at this wieght I still have a belly, my belt may not be small enough for my waist but I have a belly is my body just weird like that? I am just repulsed by my body
    I feel like if I stay sober for too long ill end up doing somthing stupid, because almost at the point where I am completely apathetic toward my life, I could barely give a shit if it ended now(not to say I'd kill myself but would bebotherd if somebody else did) I just hate my life!!

    Today I was that bored that I went out and had some speed, and it just made me feel worse due to the fact my brain is working faster than usually and has a lot of spare time to hate me. And I just can't stand it, also so my concise keeps having a go at me, for lying to my parents I say I'm looking for a job, But I'm not on drugs not in a fit state to work, sober to emotional distraute to work. So I don't feek like I would even be able to maintain a job. Although my parents think I'm a happy go lucky lazy person who dosn't have a care in the world. I won't tell them the truth that their kid is a fucked druggie mong with a hell of a lot of issue's how can I?

    For as long as I can remeber I always tried my hardest to be unaffected by emotions and just live without them, because I learnt to be a man be brave and shit you stand your own ground. Well the truth is that isn't me, I just did it to conform but took it bit to far. And I always feel dead vunerable when be honest about myself, because I feel if people knew the real me they would dislike me more.

    I've also been on the edge for the past few weeks with coming out everyone, and just not hiding it any more but at the same time I'm scared shitless of how people will judge me because of it. I feel like I should come out but I never seem to pluck up the courage. idk half brain says why haven't I done this already and the other half says what will other people think and how will they treat you afterwards.

    I know some of you will sujest counselling but I can't because that makes the problem I have real and untill then its only a problem in my head. I just want to take the easy option so instead of seeking help I try to get as fucked as I can everyday but I know things are only going to get worse. Plus I don't even know where to go for couselling and other stuff like that, and to be honest any of them that can perscribe me stuff I don't want to see. The last one I saw was a few years a go and gave ritolin which really messed me up which was why in the end I refused to take them. Any adive much aprciated
     
    #1 darkcheesse, Sep 21, 2010
  2. Leon481

    Leon481
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    For starters, be aware that the process of quitting pot will make you feel shitty for a while. I'm by no means an expert on the subject, but as I understand the process, the pot offsets the dopamine in the brain which is the chemical that makes you feel good. Without it, you feel depressed and like crap. This effect is especially bad if you've been using it for a while before quitting. It takes at least a couple of weeks for the dopamine balance to be restored naturally. In the mean time, all your negative emotions will hit you especially hard. If you want to even start to feel better, you've got to go another week or two without drugs. There's no way around it unless you want to go on meds. It will suck in the mean time, but for now the best thing you can do talk to someone, get lots of sleep, and try to wait it out.

    I think the appetite loss is normal too. I don't know the physical reasons for it, but I hear about this a lot from people who have gone through the same thing. Once you've gone through withdrawl completely, your appetite should stabilize. As far as your issue with your belly, I'm not a doctor so I can't answer.

    Seriously, you need to stay off the drugs until you detoxify. You sound like you're going through some kind of manic desperation. It's a normal part of the withdrawl process and can be overwhelming. You NEED to talk to someone. I can't stress this enough. I would recommend your parents as they can look out for you on a daily basis. However, if for some reason you really can't tell your parents, find a friend who can stay over and look out for you. This would be the part that is hardest to get through alone. Get any help you can.

    Keep posting here even. There are plenty of people here who came off drugs and can give you advice.

    No matter what your personality is like, there will always be someone who will like you. It just may not be the people you expect. It's hard opening up about yourself. I'm basically the same way. I NEVER open up to people. It's something that you'll have to work on little by little each day.

    If it's causing added stress, it may be best to wait until after you detoxify. It will give you time to sort out your feelings on the matter. Of course if you feel like coming out will help you get through this, then do what you have to do.

    Making your problem a reality as you call it is just another word for facing your problem. It will get worse if you keep running away. I know you don't want to hear this, but I think counselling might be the best solution for you. There must be resources out there for you. I don't know much about the structure of things in England, but is there some kind of community or government office that can point you in the right direction?

    It sounds like you're trying to go it all alone. I know you don't want to get other people involved. I know it can be a hassle when parents know or when counsellors get involved, but bearing it alone can be dangerous. It makes it easy to fall back into the same old habits which will put you back where you started.

    You may be able to work this out alone, I don't know for sure, but it will be so much harder in the long run.

    In the meantime, use this board. It's a great tool and the people here are very supportive and have gone through many of the same things.
     
    #2 Leon481, Sep 21, 2010
  3. Lexington

    Lexington
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    >>>I know some of you will sujest counselling but I can't because that makes the problem I have real and untill then its only a problem in my head. I just want to take the easy option so instead of seeking help I try to get as fucked as I can everyday but I know things are only going to get worse

    So you want advice, but only "easy option" advice? I guess at that point, the only advice I can give is to keep getting fucked up. But even you seem to know that's not the solution.

    Your problem IS real. You can keep sticking metaphorical fingers in your ears, and shutting your eyes really tight and pretending it's not there. But as long as you're doing that, you're not moving forward. And you're certainly not solving the problem.

    You know what you have to do.
    Now comes the part where you do it.

    Lex
     
    #3 Lexington, Sep 21, 2010
  4. darkcheesse

    darkcheesse
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    I've been getting stoned for the past to weeks as I can't stand the deppresion. Feeling that bad was there before my abusal of pot, its why I started smoking it so much. But nowaday it only slightly numbs me emotional distress.

    I feel like shouldn't cry all the time. I was brought enough with the belief real men don't cry. I hate myself phycialy and mentaly, I am replused and even hate looking at myself in the mirror. The only part of me mentaly I can stand is the act I put on to the world to hide what's truly going on. But even then I don't like it becuase its a lie and not who I really am. But the real me is an emotional little pussy and I can't stand it for two reasons
    1. I was brought up with the mental that I man I'm ment to brave and tough and just push through tough situations
    2. Also at the age 12 I learn that there is no point in caring as all it dose is cause pain.
    And ever since the I've always tried my hardest to reppress my emotions, because of those reason. But secretly I am emotional and do care about things but I try my best to sometimes to even hide it from myself. I feel like my life isn't worth living, as I've now already fucked it up and there is not much point of continuing. Even though I've been getting stoned for the past two weeks everytime I leave myself chance to think I turn into an emotional cunt. I felt like life was completely fucked since I found out this year no college will give me a place. I just wish I was somebody else
     
    #4 darkcheesse, Sep 21, 2010
  5. WanderingRabbit

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    Dude, it sounds like you have some self-image issues that not smoking pot isn't going to fix. I'm not saying it won't help, because it sounds like you consider it a lot of your problem, but don't expect it to fix your depression magically.
     
    #5 WanderingRabbit, Sep 21, 2010
  6. Leon481

    Leon481
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    There is absolutely nothing wrong with being emotional. It doesn't make you a pussy at all. Anyone who tells you that is just plain ignorant about what it's like.

    All being emotional means is that your body reacts more forcefully to specific triggers. It does not make you weak. In fact, I've known people who were emotional wrecks and extremely sensitive. They turned out to be some of the strongest people I know in the long run.

    Also, you CAN be both emotional and be tough and push through things. It is not one or the other. It just sometimes means that you have to let all that emotion out. If you find the right venue for that, letting it out can do wonders.

    Your life IS worth living. Suffering does mean something. I truly believe that. If you can push through it, you will find yourself coming out better for it.

    I've been through it myself. I've always been emotional and oversensitive. I hated my life, I hated myself, and I hated that I felt so weak. I even considered suicide. The truth is now, I wouldn't change a single thing that's happened to me. I like who I've become because of it.

    There are ways to deal with being emotional without becoming weaker. In fact, NOT dealing with it and holding it in is what WILL make you weaker.

    One last thing. Being a man is NOT about putting on a strong face and pretending that nothing bothers you. As far as I see it, being a man is about doing what you need to do to make sure you survive and that your responsibilities are taken care of. Nothing else. If you need to cry, scream, and carry on to do that, well then, that's part of being a man too.
     
    #6 Leon481, Sep 21, 2010
  7. Chip

    Chip
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    Yes, that's the way it is, and pretty much what you were told when you first said you were going to do it. Comes with the territory, it's something all addicts have to face... but it's what comes after the withdrawal that matters. You're basically giving up without even giving it a real try.

    Sounds like a body dysmorphia issue. You need some professional help to understand and work through that.

    Again, the depression is a byproduct of quitting the weed. If you were actually getting professional help, you'd have options to help you with the depression and the byproducts of coming off of the weed.

    You certainly ought to know better than to replace one drug with another. That's the LAST thing you ought to be thinking about, and I believe more than one person told you that in the last thred.

    Sorry, but that is a bullshit excuse. YOU NEED HELP. You can't do this by yourself. You won't be able to hide it forever, you wont' be able to avoid getting a job forever, and you won't be able to live your entire life getting high either. So... quit with the BS and get help.

    This, unfortunately, is likely central to your issues. We reach for drugs to cover our feelings when we are fundamentally unhappy in life. But the drugs don't solve anything, as you've learned. Being in touch with your emotions is the ONLY way to be healthy. Denying them is what got you into this mess in the first place. That wasn't your fault -- the environment you grew up in essentially taught you to be that way, but you now need to learn to let that programming go and get back in touch with yourself.

    That, too, is pretty normal, and likely an additional part of why it's hard to give up the drugs. But you have to work through it.
    You don't seem to want any advice. You asked for it last time, basically ignored it and made a million constantly changing reasons why it wasn't an option.

    Lex pretty much already said it, I'll be even more blunt: You can continue being an addict and running from your problems, or you can get help. You can't do this alone. And setting arbitrary rules ("I won't see someone who prescribes drugs") and making up bullshit excuses ("I don't know where to go for counseling") is just a load of crap. You NEED HELP and you won't be able to deal with this by yourself. Trying to pretend the problem isn't real won't make it not real.

    Now... your fear of psychiatrists is probably well grounded, as most of them do tend to overprescribe. But that has a really easy solution: see a psychologist or clinical social worker instead. They will help you process your feelings and difficulties without prescribing drugs. It is likely you may need some medication in the short term to help with the side effects of coming off of the long-term weed use, but your psychologist should be able to help with a referral for that.

    I understand you've had bad experiences and are scared. But you're obviously reaching out for help, and are just afraid to take the next step. You need to quit with the denial, the excuses, and the rationalizations, and get yourself some real help. Everything you are describing is "fixable." And much of what you are describing is directly related to the addiction. So fixing that will help the other things... but for God sake, don't trade one addiction for another!

    You have options and solutions to your problem. Whether you choose to take them and make real, long-term steps for your health and future, or whether you continue to lie to yourself and everyone around you, bury your head in the sand and try to rationalize why you can't change... that's totally up to you.

    The help is there if you reach out for it. I hope you will.
     
    #7 Chip, Sep 22, 2010
  8. Eleanor Rigby

    Eleanor Rigby
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    I know you're not going to like this, but I'm going to tell you that anyway.
    Print your first post, even the all thread if necessary, and give it to your parents.
    You're 17 only. Your parents had to know what's going on with you. They had to help you out of this.
    Obviously you're not in a state of mind where you can take good decisions for yourself, so please let someone else take those decisions. Yes, your parents aren't going to be pleased with it, but I think they would prefer that to ignore what you're going through.
    So bite the bullet, print this stuff and let them know. You don't have to do this alone, and obviously you can't anyway : so let them know and let them help.
     
    #8 Eleanor Rigby, Sep 22, 2010
  9. darkcheesse

    darkcheesse
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    i know if i told my parents they wouldn't hesitate to kick me out, they nearly did when they found out i tried weed. force me into an intervention and if dint quit they were gonna make me homeless, but i just got better at hiding it. i come from one of those drugs are bad mkay kinda families.

    ive always been told by them if you just use your brain you can achieve anything. and i just couldn't bare the shame of attualy telling them. i believe they would just get rid of me if i told them the truth.

    ive been talking to a friend about this and he said i should get help aswell, but but getting help terrifies me as much as reality. i feel trapped by my fears, so i cant do what hase to be done to get better, i know if had the courage to face these fears i could get past problems. im just stuck
     
    #9 darkcheesse, Sep 22, 2010
  10. Chip

    Chip
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    Once again, a complete bullshit excuse. Your parents didn't threaten to kick you out, they threatened to kick you out IF YOU DIDN'T GET HELP. That is BECAUSE THEY LOVE AND CARE ABOUT YOU. If they'd actually followed through with the intervention and not listened to your BS, you wouldn't be in this bind now.

    They wouldn't get rid of you, they'd seek to help you. But this is just yet another excuse/rationalization for you to avoid actually getting any help.

    Yes, you're afraid. So when you tell your parents, TELL THEM THAT. Let them know you're terrified they'll throw you out and that's why you waited so long to tell them. But if you actually want to get help, and not just to come up with millions of excuses why you can't, then this is really a simple issue. Get your friend to be with you (assuming he's local) when you tell them.

    Quit putting off the inevitable. Get the help you need. Every day you fuck around making excuses is a day wasted.
     
    #10 Chip, Sep 22, 2010
  11. darkcheesse

    darkcheesse
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    i know you guy are telling what i need to do, i know i should get help. but i don't even know why i don't go on drugs i can't think yay(cant think cant hate myself) don't know why but i've done speed again(and part of brain is trying to justify getting more), this time a got a large ammount so i be out thier(high) for a while. i know i should get clean i know if i do this my chances of getting further in life are much better, but why would i prefer to cowar in my bed i don't get.

    it feels quiting is sort only half wanted by me, the logical side of my brain get clean quit drugs, the emotional side makes me feel like shit so much its only way to shut it up. i fear a progression from weed to speed, because weed dosn't even do anything more, where as speed gets me fucked, atleast holds back the tears, keeps me active althought not good for my eating habits,(i know in my situation im only making it worse) i've eaten one packet of crisps today and because of the speed im not hungry.

    i tried talking to the only friend i am truly open with, and today was completly honest he never knew about the other drugs i tried, and it seemed to end the convosation,(he was one of the few people who say the real me that i hide, but at the same time tried to keep in the dark about my many many many many² discretions) he new like most people i smoked a bit of weed but that was it, i feel i sort of shocked him as the convosation end quite abruptly afterwards. i fear im losing him as a friend, i now rarly see him as i don't go to college, and im geuss after this news he might not want to associate, and if he dose i can't fault him if he dose. i would avoid me like the plage o wait i cant. not fair!

    i know life is just going further down the shitter yet i can see to pick up the courage to do somthing about it. how come i can pretend to brave and have courage to fit in, yet in attuallity i have none, how come i can give my friends good advice yet when it comes to me it feels like i want make my life shitter, just so it will end faster.

    i hate my life yet i feel like want to make it worse, why?
     
    #11 darkcheesse, Sep 24, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2010
  12. Chip

    Chip
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    OK, it's obvious you are in serious pain, and have no friends in real life who know what's going on and can help.

    I understand the fear. And the problem with the drugs is, the drugs, particularly the stronger ones, almost immediately hijack the reason centers in your brain, so nothing seems unreasonable about continuing what you're doing.

    But there's a part of you that knows this is wrong. That's why you keep posting. You need to dig inside that part and just take every ounce of courage you have, and tell your parents what's going on. Write a note, send an email if you can't do it in person. But just do it, right now, and don't pull any punches. They will help you.

    Once you have detoxed, you'll see a lot more clearly and you'll KNOW without a doubt that this was the right decision. You can ask any addict that's gotten clean and sober, and they'll tell you that.

    Just take the step. Tell your parents, just say you're in trouble and need help. They'll help take care of the rest, and if they (or you) need advice on what to do, there are a number of people here at EC that can point them to the right resources to get you the help you need.
     
    #12 Chip, Sep 24, 2010
  13. Lexington

    Lexington
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    Some wise soul once said this.

    "take a risk, not matter the outcome you always know you tried, and thats what truly counts"

    Good advice. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #13 Lexington, Sep 24, 2010
  14. Leon481

    Leon481
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    You know, you seem to be in a good place to start working things out. You've figured out what your problems are and what's driven you to drugs. You know you don't want to be on them, and most of all, you're starting to admit that it's becoming a problem. This is a great place to be to start recovery.

    So now is the time to take action. Tell your parents. Tell them you want help. From your previous posts, it sounds like they are willing to help you if you are willing to try.

    You've talked to someone in your life about your problem, so that's a very good first step. The next and most hard part will be to talk to your parents.

    If you can't tell them yourself, maybe you can print out everything you've written here and give it to them. It's a good way to both make your case for help and show them that you have been trying to get some help from an outside source. If they know that you've been trying to find help, it gives them reason to believe you'll really try to recover with their help.
     
    #14 Leon481, Sep 24, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2010
  15. darkcheesse

    darkcheesse
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    thank you for the advice it is much apreciated, but i dont think i'm ready to tell my parents, although now thier starting to seem take an interest in my life, i had got to point where i was think my mom cared more about the puppies she got last christmass than me.

    and well my dad dosn't ever take an interest in my life unless either it suits him or it serious, now i know this is a serious situation but me and my parents are so emotionaly disconected i just don't see how i could be so open to them. well yet

    i would to have my families support but it will cost me their respect, which has taken me 17 years to earn. and i don't know if i can make that sacrifce right now, not i wont but id love to hold on to it for as long as possible. see it would be much easier if they found it them selves and i dint have to explain. i hate akward situations and confrontation which i know there is gonna be alot after this. im gonna try and pluck up the courage to tell them sunday of next week at the latest, i think i might wright a letter for them to read explain why ive been so different this year? would that be a good idea?
     
    #15 darkcheesse, Sep 24, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2010
  16. Darkwing65

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    Counseling doesn't have to only come from head shrinker's (psychiatrists), there are professional counselors out there who have gone to school to help people work through their problems. It's a less drastic step towards dealing with our mind and its problems. We all have problems and should probably consider going to counseling for something or another.
     
    #16 Darkwing65, Sep 24, 2010
  17. Eleanor Rigby

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    Writting them a letter definitly sound a good idea.
    And I definitly don't think it would be easier if they find out themselves. On the contrary I think it would be much better if you tell them, because it would show them you are aware of your problems and that you want to solve them. I don't know how they will feel about it when you'll tell them, but I know that if you were my son you would earn my respect and trust by telling me wich definitly wouldn't be the case if I had to discover that by accident.
    I know you feel disconected from your parents, but that's also an effect of the fact you're hidding yourself from them. You're hidding your drug use, you're hidding your depression, you're hidding youre sexuality... How do you want to feel connected to them while you spend most of your time avoiding being honest with them ?
    But I'm sure your parents love you and care about you. They may not know how to show you they care, but I'm sure they do. It's highly time for you to break this vicious circle you locked yourself in. Write that letter, and give it to them as soon as possible. Waiting for one more week is not going to help you, and I think that by now, telling them and getting some help is becoming an emergency.
    Take care (*hug*) Cécile
     
    #17 Eleanor Rigby, Sep 25, 2010
  18. darkcheesse

    darkcheesse
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    i've had a worring night, because because i've been wired for all of it but i've been happy(truly happy havn't felt that good in months) and it scares me that this time and last time i was this happy was wired. for most of night have had any negative thoughts, and this really makes unsure about everything.

    well i've started to draft a letter to my parents, but im struggle on where to draw the line(i.e what i tell them and what i don't) and because im wirred ive been really productive for once. just my problem is, there is to much to write down, because we rarely have convosation that have any personal details at all.

    im now a mass of worries yet at the same time i really happy, its just confusing im worried because in the past year the only 2 day i enjoyed i had to be wirred. i just know that isn't right, i should be able to be happy sober, but even if you account for the past 5 years you could probably fit the amount time into less than a month. even before the addiction i was rarly happy sober, for the last 5 years for the most part i was either miserable or bored shitless. it just now makes quitting that much harder, not weed, but the other drugs i occasionaly do powders etc. because i enjoy them, but i know i can't handel being bored, been that way since i childhood.
    heres how i see the next few days
    sober = bored
    bored = weed
    weed = hateing my self because i failed quiting
    hateing my self because i failed quiting = powders etc
    in the end causing a heavier addiction.
    im already finding it hard to convince my head that i shouldn't by any more powders for a while, thought to buy speed instead of weed, has come up too many times. i want to go and but speed i really do, i don't because know i shouldn't, and in debate in your head thats a shody reason at best. i feel like my head is just trying to rationalise my addiction again, i need to quit, to get better phyicaly and mentaly.

    what i need never seems to over rule what i want(can't figure that out, i presume its to fuck up my life even more) all the choice i ever seem to make are the easy ones. i know got kinda deppressed cause ive just realised i dont think i've ever been happy except when ive gotten fucked of my face on few occasions. i can fit all my memory's into two main groups boring and deppresing. im giving up on this post now because its just making me cry, and i cant stand feeling this way:tears:
     
    #18 darkcheesse, Sep 25, 2010
  19. Leon481

    Leon481
    Regular Member

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    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time tonight. (*hug*)

    You know, I've actually seen you improve in a lot of ways over the course of this thread. You seem to understand a lot more about what has led you to drugs and what parts of your life you're unhappy with. You also seem to be moving towards a place where you can do something about it. These are no small accomplishments. You've done well to come this far.:thumbsup:

    You haven't failed anything. You may have had setbacks, but every setback seems to have been a learning experience for you and is one step closer to getting the help you need. As long as you haven't given up completely, you haven't failed anything. Just the fact that you are still posting here is a sign that you do have the strength to work things out.

    Now, as far as the letter to your parents, why don't you post a rough draft here? Maybe we can help you work out the best way to tell them. You don't have to do this completely alone. A lot of us here will be glad to help in whatever limited way we can over the internet.
     
    #19 Leon481, Sep 25, 2010
  20. Eleanor Rigby

    Eleanor Rigby
    Full Member

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    Feel free to post your letter here, or to send it to one of the advisors.
    Don't give up (*hug*) Cécile
     
    #20 Eleanor Rigby, Sep 26, 2010
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