I just kinda wanna vent.. Ever since I've been comming to terms with being gay, its been rattling up other things that I've kept bottled away, and this seems to be my only place to let it out.[sorry ] Well.. for most of my life I've always been sort of put into the place of the 'last man picked'. When I was in highschool I used to hang out with about 3 groups of friends, but I don't think I ever really fit in with any of them. I was just there, in the background. I had friends, but none of them really took any time out for me.. I mean if there was a party happening, I was the last person invited. If a friend wanted somebody to hang out with for the weekend, I would be asked after a list of others had been. Since highschool I only keep close contact with two friends, and it still seems to happen. Its kinda hard to describe it really, but its bothersome knowing noone could really give two shits about me as long as they have something better to do. What could be so wrong with me to make me so transparent to everyone? Over the last few years it's just made me feel distant from the world.. Why even bother if everyone seems to treat me the same.
My first thought, and I might be wrong with this, is that it's always best to reassess how you dealt with your friends in the past. Because if you've been struggling with being open about your sexuality, odds are you have been keeping an intentional distance between you and your friends. And even if they like you, it's hard for them to break through that. I think that in my case, one of the toughest things I ever had a friend say to me (after I came out), was: "Filip, even though I consider you one of my best friends... I never got the impression that I know you". And looking back, I can see why she said that. All through highschool and uni, I was always available for a chat, made some jokes, discuss school, life in genreral etc... but I never ever told them anything personal. And for fear of seeming clingy, or emotionally dependant, or have them find out about me, I always just strung along. And it's hard, as a friend, to keep interest in someone if they're never open, and never take the initiative. So, I think it might not be a cases of having something better to do, but rather of getting the impression that you're keeping back for a reason and wanting to give you your privacy. Or even thinking that they're annoying you by asking you along. The remedy is simple (in theory, but slightly harder in practice :icon_wink): take a bit more initiative. Try to open up a bit more to them. Occasionally be the one that sends an e-mail or a message wondering if you can hang out. Show them that you like hanging out with them, rather than just coming if you're invited. Friendship is a two-way street. that's easier said than done. But you can do it in small steps. Send an e-mail to a friend you like to reconnect with. Start a conversation on msn or facebook (or in person, if they live close), instead of waiting for them to come to you. and before you know it, you're way more involved. Of course, I'm inferring a lot about how you deal with friends here. And I may be wrong. But i hope it is of some help.
You seem to always give the exact advice I need Filip. That's prettymuch how I act, but I've started to be more open in the last month or so[actually out to a friend now, nothing really changed, but he's a homebody and enjoys just alone time anyway]. I'll try and make more of an effort.
I know exactly how that feels as I am going through that presently as well. I've started feeling lonely and wanting to hang out, but high-schoolers don't want to risk an awkward situation apperantly... It really sucks when you ask someone what they're doing this week-end: "Oh, nothing. I'll probably be bored and sleep or something." You ask: "Can we hang-out?" They respond: "Sorry, I'm busy." I've tried try to get close to friends before, but I can only actually visit two (under conditions) so I understand you completely. I honestly think that sometimes you have to be a little obnoxious, really... Someone tell me I'm wrong if I am so I don't do something uber stupid! Otherwise I'll try it, and let you know if it works.
