Hello everyone, It's been a very long time since I've posted on here. Lately I've been thinking about coming out. Not fully out, but at least just tell one person. I'm almost 22 and have never admitted that I'm gay to anyone. However, I don't stay in the closet without good reason. My parents and all of my family are catholic. I'm confident that if my parents found out, they would feel obligated to disown me, which would put undue stress on my family. I cannot ignore how embarrassing it would be for them. To top it off, I've lost my religious beliefs by the time I finished high school (they don't know this either). I feel like the archetype nightmare son that no catholic parents would ever want to be responsible for raising. I respect their religious beliefs, and I can't ignore that they might feel at fault. I really don't know what kind of damage would be caused if they found out that I was gay, atheist, or especially both. I feel like it's wrong to lie to them, but it would also be wrong to tell them the truth. Overall, in the interest of finishing my college education (I can only afford to pay 50% with the money I earn), I decided to put facing that problem off until after I graduate. I've made plans to pay them back several times what they spent to help me to go to school. I feel selfish for doing it, but I justify it by the fact that I'll have the capacity to give them a much better financial return on their money than if they had invested it in the market, plus I'll be able to support them when they retire (whether they want it or not by that time). Sorry, back on topic: I've known I was gay since I was 12 or 13. Throughout most of my life I was able to suppress it, and was afraid of what would happen if I didn't. I thought homosexuality was an indicator of a malicious person (from what I was taught, it seemed to have a status worse than murder), I was terrified that I would soon lose myself, and feel an irrational inclination to hurt people or do something 'evil'. I think that experience has contributed significantly to my present situation. I of course no longer believe those things, but the effect they had on me hasn't really gone away. I feel like if I could just tell one person, to be able to admit it to someone and not have a hostile response, that would help ease my mind. I have extreme difficulty saying "I'm gay" out loud, even when I'm alone. I don't think this is healthy, and have decided that if I want to live an enjoyable life, I need to start doing something about it. Last week I was I was talking to a friend while working in a lab on campus. We were discussing the slow increase of atheism as socially acceptable, because we saw someone with the atheist "A" symbol on their shirt. He then made a comment about how his parents would be very angry if they thought he was an atheist, but pointed out that they would be even more upset if he was gay. The conversation then switched to how it was strange that homosexuals seemed to have a lower status than atheists among many members of major religions. [For the record: I know for a fact hes not gay.] As the conversation progressed, he seemed to start directing it at me, instead of homosexuality in general, almost as if to say "You can tell me, I won't mind". I could not have asked for a better situation, but at that moment I just completely locked up, stopped looking at him when I replied, and then pretended to get distracted by what I was working on. The timing was pretty bad, and I think if he had any doubts, they're probably gone now. Overall, my friend hasn't changed his attitude toward me since then, so I'm guessing he suspected it for quite a while because he's pretty perceptive. I think if there's anyone I can come out to, it would be him. I just don't know how I'm going to do it if I can't when he's basically telling me I should. I think maybe I was just unprepared, because those kinds of topics don't usually come up. I don't want to randomly bring it up because that seems weird, but I don't know if I'm going to have a chance like that again. I felt really bad after I passed up that opportunity, but next time I'm determined to do it, I just don't know how to say it. It's almost like I think it's not real, I'm not actually gay, until I tell someone.
He knows, and he's trying to tell you that he's ok with it. And your response confirmed it, so there's likely no doubt in his mind now. So the simplest route is just to bring it up by saying "Hey, you know the other day when you started talking about homosexuality... well I chickened out, but I think you already suspect, and you're right" or something like that. As for your parents... i think you'll be really surprised. I've known quite a few people who came out to very devout Catholic parents, and I don't know any that didn't (in some cases, after some initial difficulty) maintain a fine relationship with their parents. In my experience, it tends to be the crazy uber conservative people like the Baptists that believe dancing is a guaranteed path to the Devil ... or the people that believe Sarah Palin is intelligent and a good, moral woman... that are the ones that are likely to disown their kids. And even then, it's pretty rare. Tell your friend. I think the feeling will be indescribable once you get it off your chest to one person in real life. And from there, it will be easier to start telling others
I agree with Chip. He knows. Take a chance and tell him. I doubt you will regret it. Coming out is an amazing feeling. As for your parents, it is the rare parent that rejects their child because he is gay. They may need some time to adjust to the idea, but I would be surprised if they turned their backs on you. Just because you come out to your friend does not necessarily mean you have to then come out to your parents. Give it some time. Get more comfortable with the idea yourself. Tell some other people. When it feels right, you can consider coming out to your parents. It is not a race and no one is keeping score. Do it at your own pace and only when you feel ready.
It is very well possible that he knows or at least strongly suspects. But even assuming he doesn't, the important thing is: he made it very clear that he's supportive. So: You have a friend. He's supportive. He's open to debate tough topics like these. You feel like coming out to someone would help a lot. All signs point towards one simple advice: come out to him! It's natural that you didn't jump on the occasion. If you're not prepared, coming out is daunting. Even if you're prepared it can be stressful. But you shouldn't wait until the next opportunity either. For starters, it will probably be just as unexpected as this one. And secondly, talking about what's on your mind is something friends should always be open for. Even if there's no perfect excuse. So yeah, go for it! A slight mopment of awkwardness is a small price to pay for the acceptance and peace of mind you'll gain!
Hey guys, Thank you for the support. I really thought about it, and finally decided to do it. I actually came out to him! I never thought I'd be able to do that. It went much better than I expected too. I'm short on time right now, but I'll post the full story soon. Thank you again, if it wasn't for that little bit of encouragement, I don't know if I could have gone though with it :icon_bigg
Awesome! Congratulations on finding your courage! I will want to read that full story, but for now: enjoy being out! (and change your out status in your profile! )
It's great that you've got a friend who knows, and who could be there for support when you do decide to tell your parents. You know your parents better than any of us, but I'd still wonder how likely they would be to disown you. Their perception of what it means to be gay, and for them to have negatives attitudes towards homosexuality, would change if they knew that their own son was gay. You could consider talking to your family doctor who could provide your with authoritative sources on homosexuality for your parents, to reassure them that it's not something you chose, but that was probably set in place before you were born.
Hey again, Well it all started a couple days ago when the topic of atheism came up again. He asked how I thought my parents might take it if they found out, and I said "they wouldn't take it well at all, but I don't know if you know this already, but I'm also gay too, and that would be even worse if they knew that". After I said that I instantly regretted it and felt really bad, but then he said "So none of your family knows? Maybe a sibling wouldn't mind as much as parents". I replied "I'd totally understand if that bothers you, sorry", and then he said "No, not at all." So wow, I never thought I'd be able to come out, and have a positive response at that. We had a very long conversation afterward. He was extremely supportive and even told me about how he needs to tell people things sometimes just to get it off his mind. Overall he said he's glad I told him, because keeping something like that to myself would have been bad in the long term. I feel soo much better having come out to him. I think it helped me a ton. Things are back to normal now too and he doesn't seem wierded out by that whole ordeal. Sorry this wasn't much of a story was it? lol As for my parents, I'm not ready to tell them yet because I honestly don't know how they will react. I want to be in a position where I can live on my own should they decide to disown me (I can now, but I wouldn't be able to finish collage). I don't really know if they will, but I honestly don't have time for the emotional aftermath of my telling them, no matter what it is. I just have a strong feeling it'll be bad, at least for the first few weeks/months/years... maybe some day they would come around. The "it's not a choice" thing is something I talked to my friend about actually. When I was in high school, I remember searching for something, anything really, that would show that homosexuals are inherently anti-social, that homosexuality can be changed without destructive side-effects, or both. I was really just looking for any peer-reviewed, scientific paper that offered demonstrable, unambiguous evidence which clearly reinforced the things my parents and religion taught me. I did this because I realized I was biased toward not thinking homosexuality is bad, and knew I wanted to reject such claims. It would be just as dishonest to assert that "Being gay is not anti-social, and not a choice" than it is to say "Being gay is anti-social, and you can choose to be straight" without convincing evidence or reason to believe it other than that it sounds appealing, and you've heard other people say it, too. Obviously, I never did find that evidence. In fact, I found things that contradicted those ideas, which lead to where I am now. The bottom line is: I can rationally argue against the validity of almost every belief my parents hold about homosexuality, but unfortunately I don't think that would sway them. Overall, I'm just happy I was able to tell someone. Thanks again guys! I'm gonna try to stick around this time.
He sounds like a really awesome friend! And he's right, by the way: it helps to not keep everything in and have someone to talk to. And in cases of coming out to family, it might be good to wonder whether you can come out to other family members than your parents first. There's no hurry in coming out to your parents, though. If you want to make sure you have extra security first, that's no problem. Don't let that hold you back from coming out to other friends, though. Being a scientist myself, I applaud your scientific rigor and willingness to examine your own bias. To be honest, it's something I struggled with myself. Being gay, it's hard to not have any bias about being gay. But it really is true that all scientific evidence points towards the fact that we are right for sticking to our guns and being who we are. Thanks for the story and I hope to see you around!
Maybe with your parents you could try bringing up some of the topics in the news lately and see how they react. Congrats on talking to your friend!
