Hey, So here it goes, I have read a lot of the questions on here so I will do my best to avoid the generic (AM I GAY?) single question. So this is a question that can be answered as fact (so if you could tell me what your answer to this question is if you had to choose one of the three possibilities (A- GAY) (B - Bi but more gay...) (C)- BI (D) straight and going through a phase later than most people.... (E) Straight for the most part. I am 27 and I have NEVER dated a woman in the traditional sense. I had sex with 3 different chicks when I was in high school and in my first year at college.... I was never able to orgasm.... i was frustrated from this. I have always found gay men attractive go back as far as I can recall. Likely I was fantasizing in more innocent (non- sexual) ways as far back as kindergarten.... I wanted to grow up and live with a boy (man) I had said it and adults said.... someday you will see that you like girls and you will be happy. Coodies? perhaps..... Just not interested....In middle school I would have friends talking endlessly about hot girls and I joined in... We always were looking at playboys and other nude women pictures. I was interested in the female body. Indeed I thought that I may be able to get a girlfriend that I wanted to be with and would enjoy having romantic feelings for her. I ended up going on a few family vacations that inadvertently allowed me to experience provincetown mass. and NYC's village.... I was sooo turned on all that year thinking back to the guys I had seen.... I would then force myself to look at a picture of nude women having sex (usually lesbian) and try to have that be "what got me off" as I came into an age where I began jerking off.... odd? seemed to be good to me and I was sure that the guy turn ons were fading.. and that I was going to now find a gf and be on my way to the rest of my life.... After this phase and more frustrations with the girls (I thought trying to get with a chick was never worth the effort, but I still attempted to be with them). I still was thinking of men over 90% or more of the time when I was pleasuring myself. I still kept the girly mags around and believed that it was those mags that were responsible for my orgasm the other thoughts were going to slow down and stop nearing the end of high school.... not so much... got to college and stopped my pursuit all together... then I was content to fantasize of gay men and then try to stop the thought nearing orgasm in favor of the previous lesbian porn (pseudo- attractions) I had previously gotten off to. Twice a few years back I went to a "gay bookstore" that was owned and dedicated to the gay community... I was not really wanting to come out as gay... and I think that I was confused and just getting a thrill from the simple idea of interaction with the clearly gay staff there. At one point I asked for help locating a coming out guide... the lesbian employee was very nice and helpful.... I repeated this a few months later with the purchase of a gay men's erotica book... I played it off as being too academically busy to date... well... that is still where I am at. This action would make up my guilt and my ultimate turn on... I was getting sick of this and tried AGAIN to stop thinking about it.... I am 27... I am still in this area and joined a few gay social networks where I have made a small group of friends online that (most are lesbians) that I chat with and just joke about the guys I wish I could get with.... so I am looking for a simple straitforward opinion (if possible) and a brief reason for the answer.... Thanks SO MUCH!!! -Steve I played it off as being too academically busy to date... well... that is still where I am at. :bang: :lol:
Wow that was a long read. From reading your post, it seems your either gay, or bi with a stronger liking to men. The thing you have to remember is, you dont HAVE to label yourself. As lex famously says, 'do what feels good'. Sex with men, sex with women, or randomly with both. Its not like you have to please anyone else. Plus your old enough that your probably living by yourself, so its not like anyone will need to know which was you go....
First of all, hi Steve, and welcome to EC! I hope you'll enjoy your stay here! :smilewave Jury results are in. the verdict of this jury member? You're gay. Or at least bi, and extremely strongly slanted towards men, but I'd still say: gay. Normally I'm terribly reluctant to give conclusions, but just look at the symptoms: - You never got off with women - You do get off thinking about guys - You fantasise about being with guys in non-sexual situations as well - You have felt like this even before you were aware of heterosexuality - Joining an assembly of GLBT people feels pretty natural, even if it's just joking around. That's as clear as it gets. Yes, people can have gay phases in puberty, when hormones are new, and being really attracted to someone is new and exciting. Generally speaking, though, they don't last that long, and it becomes pretty clear what you really like after a short time. If it takes years of struggling, it's there to stay. Not that I begrudge you doubting. It wasn't too long ago since I was hoping that this "gay phase" would end (points at age to the left of this post). And reading your post feels like reading the story of my life. I really tried to ease myself into straightness as well. With the bait-and-switch technique, and also by trying to optimise the ratio of straight to gay porn (first month: 10% straight, next month: 20% etc. I very much treated it as an engineering project :lol. It's definitely natural trying to fit in with the straight world. Even though it's ultimately best to just accept your sexuality and build upon that. Now, what do you do with the knowledge? It really is quite simple: you live your life as you always did. There's no "gay lyfestyle" that you need to subscribe to. Only change is that you stop trying to turn yourself straight, and accept that you'll be happy with a guy instead of a girl (in fact, more happy than you'd ever be with a girl). Apart from having kids by pregnancy, there really isn't anything gay people can't do that straight people can. When you get off, you don't try to switch to girls last-moment, and just get off to men without hesitation or remorse. It might take a bit of time before dating happens (from accepting you like men to having a real-life date can be a big step to take), and hurrying is never a good thing anyway, but it can only help to try and meet more gay people as friends. Online groups are good for that. So, please, stick around, read and post in threads, send people a wall coment, and don't hesitate to post further in this thread or send me a PM if you want to talk further. And you might want to check whether there's any gay social groups in your area that you might be interested in joining. If there's anything I found helped in accepting I was gay, it was hanging out with gay people and finding out they were just ordinary people like me or you.
Welcome to EC! All I have to go on is what you've written, but it kinda suggests "gay". So why not run with that for a bit? You don't have to tell anybody else. Just start living your life as if you were in fact gay. Wake up, look in the mirror, and say "I'm gay" each morning. Feel free to check out guys as you're out and about. When you masturbate, feel free to look at gay porn or your gay erotica, or fantasize about you and another guy. And go apeshit with it. Don't tiptoe into it, or wonder what it all means. Masturbation is supposed to be a fun mindless activity where you drop your inhibitions along with your pants. So go nuts with it. And when you're done, again, don't rush to zip up and resume your "real" life. Just sit there (as sticky as you are) and enjoy the afterglow. Give it a try. See how it feels. Lex
Simple questions. Do you go to the same extents with women? It doesn't sound like it. You are clearly apprehensive about labeling yourself. You already know the answer. You just don't want to give it and be wrong. You're not wrong. You are clearly without a doubt gay. I wouldn't even have you leaning towards women as a few posts suggest. I am a straight guy when it comes to romance and a bi guy when it comes to sex. I don't know where that makes me fall. With you, you are not a straight guy when it comes to sex and not a straight guy when it comes to romance. You clearly want a romantic relationship with a man. You want a sexual relationship with a man. Give it a go. I'm sure it will feel more right than any time you have been with a woman. Let me tell you, jerking off thinking about guys will never compare to having sex with a woman for me. I love both, but if you really are attracted to women then the physical act would sure as hell beat out your right hand with gay thoughts in mind. So, you are gay. I would embrace it and move forward with your life. Don't miss out on everything a romantic relationship has to offer because you are wondering and I bet, really really scared of the concept of what accompanies being gay. It's not that big a deal if we don't let it be.
Hey Steve, A lot of what you wrote resonated with me. I'm very early in the coming out process, dislike labels, and have never had a satisfying relationship with a woman. That being said, you wrote positively when describing your time in NYC and the gay bookstore. It sounds like you know your answer, but are still deciding whether or not to act on it. My opinion, if I must, is gay. Also, as a fellow academic, the too busy card is my favorite. However, most students around me are managing a social life despite their academic commitments. Perhaps it is possible... There is some great insight on this thread. Filip's comments were particularly helpful to me, and I hope to you as well. Welcome to EC!
I love you so much Lex. LOL I... Pendrin, do hereby submit official testimony to the advice given above. It was given to my by Lex almost two years ago, and I owe him a lifetime of happiness because of it.
I would say gay and a slim chance of bi with a heavy slant toward men (kinda sounds like a weather report, huh?) Can I ask about myself? Sorry, but I don't want to have a whole new topic just for this. I have been curious about my sexuality for about two years. I will give a run down (I apologize for the verbosity): I had always had sexual and emotional attraction to women for as long as I remember. I grew up in a progressive/liberal/atheist household with gay family members and accepting friends (many who were kinda outcasts). I had several girlfriends by the time I was 15 and I had been heavy into porn (all of which at this time was straight and featured either all girls or some boy/girl sex if I was lucky to get a hustler or penthouse). Now here is where I had a first clash with anxiety: my friend brought over a porn vid and we watched it together (not doing anything, just checking it out). Then the porn went snowy and a gay porn came across the screen and we watched it and laughed about it and commented on the dudes in the film; not derogatory, just commenting on some of the guys being pretty hung (one dude used his like a rope). Then after my friend left, I watched the straight porn for a few days and then curiosity got the best of me and I watched the gay porn and I got hard and my heart was pounding and I finished to it. This freaked me out and I told my mom that I thought I was gay. My mom had no problem with it and I talked it out with her and I still felt straight but pretty confused. I did this for a little bit longer (maybe watching it on and off for about a month) and then stopped; I guess I got bored. I continued watching straight porn for the duration of my teens and had several girlfriends and had sex a lot and was fine with sex and never had any problems; sex with girls was great but I had developed a porn addition; I would masturbate up to 8 times a day and that would sometimes inhibit performance. I then got engaged when I was 23 after being with my fiancee (now my ex) for four years. My ex and I had some big problems and we broke up; when things were bad at about 22 I started watching gay porn on occasion and it started that old feeling of fear and freaking out; it came to a head when I was in my car and the anxiety was intense that I screamed at the top of my lungs that I was not gay. Well, then April of my 23rd year, I broke up with my ex and I began a string of meaningless relationships during that summer. I then got involved with another girl for a year and then broke up with her when I met my wife. Our first year was great; we had a great time and we had such fun and she has been the love of my life - she is completely supportive and so kind and understanding (by the way - she knows all about this). She lost her hair due to alopecia and I told her that I loved her for her personality, not her hair; her hair eventually grew back and she has been okay ever since. During the time her hair grew back, I felt compelled to tell her that I occasionally watched gay porn in addition to the straight porn. She was upset but we talked about it and I told her that it freaked me out that I might be gay; she said that I'm not and that it was just porn. We got engaged and then married and I asked her all the while that if I was bisexual would she still be with me and she said of course. I then began to go to therapy because I had suffered a huge panic attack that somehow I was turning gay because of the occasional gay porn watching and the intermittent fantasies including same-sex fantasies. I told my therapist that I had a problem doing so much checking about my sexuality and constant asking about it and taking tests to determine my sexuality; everything pointed me to a Kinsey Score 2. My therapist has diagnosed me with OCD and porn addiction (it has effected my job, school and personal life and it is really bad). I constantly watch 2 minutes of girl/girl porn and then boy/boy porn (they did a study on this recently for bisexuality) and my results have me generally get hard within the 2 minutes to the girls and it takes longer to the guys. I am constantly checking. So, in ending, from those out there who have had sexual identity issues, would someone tell me where they feel I lie on the spectrum? (bi-straight leaning, bi, or bi-gay leaning)?
First off, Bruce, welcome to EC! Secondly, nothing wrong with starting your own thread. We're not limited on the number of threads per day or anything. As to "what it all means". My take on it? Not much. My fantasy life is extremely active and varied. I've climbed Mt Everest, rocked a sold-out arena, and yes - saved the world from bad guys and gone back to my mansion where I live with my butler and my "ward". And in my fantasy world, I've done pretty much everything sexually. I've had sex with guys, girls, strangers, groups, demons, monsters, werewolves, gargoyles and robots. I've forced them to have sex with me, and they've forced me to have sex with them. I've had sex on the beach, on a boat, in the woods, in a public square, and in outer space. You know what that means? It means that fantasy is fucking fun. Nearly every single one of my fantasies hasn't come to fruition. (Just as well - where am I going to find a spacesuit that will fit a werewolf?) I'm totally fine with that. Fantasy time is play time. As I said above, it's when the inhibitions come off with the pants. It's where you get to enjoy the positives ("I'm having sex with a werewolf!") without any of the negatives ("...and he's not biting me, turning me into one of the undead!"). If there was one very specific fantasy that played out over and over, and it was possible to give it a try, then yeah - I'd look into trying it out. But if it's mainly "spice for fun", I don't consider it to mean anything. You're apparently addicted to porn. That means you watched a LOT of it. And as you know, watching the same sort of stuff over and over can desensitize you. It doesn't seem as hot anymore. And the general response to that is to get (to use a loaded term) "nastier". Find something a bit more extreme. That might mean having the sex scenes more animalistic. Or bringing out the bondage gear. Or costume play. Or fur suits. Or (yes) gay sex. Any of these can reinforce the "naughtiness" factor, which can reignite the sexual excitement. But just because you do doesn't mean you really want to get tied up (or tie somebody else up), or invest in a fur suit, or have sex with a guy. To me, it's just what got you hotter for awhile. I'm glad you're getting help for your addictions. And as you said, your problem is you're constantly checking. Sex isn't supposed to be chopped up and analyzed to death. It's supposed to be enjoyed. If it's exciting to occasionally think about having sex with another guy, or a group of strangers, or the aforementioned weightless werewolf, go on with your bad self. It doesn't mean a damn thing unless that one fantasy becomes the ONLY way you can get excited, for an extended length of time. Otherwise, you're just keeping things interesting. And good for you. Lex
Well, while we’re determining people’s sexualities, it can’t hurt to do one more I’d say Kinsey 2 sounds about accurate. Straight, but able to conceive of the notion of guys being attractive. You don’t seem to have a lack of fulfilment with women, and no real desire to get into relationships (emotional or physical) with men. You just are broad enough in your tastes to get off to gay porn. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I’d even wager that theres quite a lot of straight guys who can do that, but either never find out or never admit it. It might also just be that worrying has become a habit. and having OCD isn't exactly helpful in getting rid of habits. The addiction, obviously, is a problem but it seems you’re dealing with that. I think this might be different for everyone, but personally, I’ve never really heard of people “turning gay”. Speaking for myself, there never was any question that I was attracted to guys. I forced myself into thinking it was a phase, and I tried to become straight, but the moment of realising: “you’re gay” wasn’t really agonising. It was a moment where the pieces of the puzzle just fit and everything felt right. So I'd say you're fine and you know where you stand. You obviously love your wife and it's highly unlikely that anything (much less the ability to get off to gay porn) will change about your attraction to her.
Thank you guys! You guys helped me out a lot! I even talked with my wife about it last night (we do this occasionally). She said "hell, I've had fantasies about women but that doesn't mean I'm going to go act on them!" Just nice to have a wife that is so caring and understanding! Thank you all again!
Hey Guys, Thanks!!! I am reading your comments and they are all useful!!! Thanks!!! and More opinions are great.... I have read each of them several times!!! -Steve ---------- Post added 6th Oct 2010 at 03:56 AM ---------- Definitely on here Revan!!!
I don't especially like labels when it comes to this sort of thing, but we do live in a label driven society. You and I being close to the same age I can identify what you are thinking. Like I can remember the rush I got when I went into my first gay bookstore or gay club. The feeling of just being able to be yourself without worry is a great feeling...I mean, it was exciting. A few years ago I was very perplexed about my situation: I was still having sex with women, but I had no attraction and rarely did I cum....It really almost became a pain in the ass and I was frustrated because I was attracted to guys, and felt a more inner connection to them. To me, it sounds like you are not bi...but in fact you are gay. And i think, in the back of your mind you know this...I just don't think you have fully accepted it yet. Sometimes it takes a little while finally completing the accepting part...at least it did for me. But good luck!
