Okay, so first off I've been talking to this amazing guy for about two months now. We met online, and mostly communicated through email, im, and text up until yesterday. He was funny, smart, quick-witted and I found myself liking him more and more. So after not accepting a couple requests to hang out, I finally gave in and hung out with him yesterday. Cuter in person, and we have so much in common it's amazing to be with him. Anyways, so here's the deal: in his photo, I thought he looked about late 20s, early 30s. Turns out he's not. In fact, he's really 44. *Twice* my age (22). So now I'm utterly confused what to do. I mean, I can tell I'm smitten with him, and I know he likes me. Do I give this amazing guy a chance even though things will likely be very complicated? Like, I know he doesn't want any kids; I on the other hand want to adopt when I'm older. Knowing his age, I figure I'd most likely have to give up that if I do go long-term with him. Then there's the issue of my family, which I'm extremely attached to. A bunch of conservative Christian Baptists, they all ready have trouble accepting my sexuality; they'd blow a gasket if I was with a guy twice my age. So I'm just utterly confused . On the flip side, another question. There's this guy that obviously wants to talk to me. He's emailed me, messaged me on three different sites, and now found me on facebook. He seems to be like a perfectly nice guy, but there's absolutely nothing there for me. I don't have a clue how to let him down nicely, so I've just been.....ignoring him thus far. I know, it makes me an asshole, but I don't know what to say! "Sorry, but I'm just not into you" seems so crass to me. Any advice? Btw; I know he's on here. If you get this, know I'm sorry for being an asswipe. I just don't know what to say .
Let's tackle the second one first. Just send him a message. "Wow, I'm really flattered at the attention, but I'm afraid I'm just not feeling it with you. Thanks, though." That keeps everything on you, and it gets the message across perfectly without being cruel. About this other guy. The biggest problem with age gaps is that people try to pretend they don't exist. They boldly state "age ain't nothin' but a number", which ignores all the potential problems with dating somebody whose age isn't too close to one's own. However, you're not in that situation. You recognize the possible problems. This already puts you ahead of the game. Given that, I don't see any reason not to keep seeing him. Just be very aware of your differences, and the compromises you might have to make (BOTH of you) to make this work. Lex
I've written about this extensively in other posts. It's an epidemic problem -- older guys going after younger ones -- and it rarely works out well for the younger person. If you search out some of my posts, you'll find my full reasoning for why it's unlikely to be a successful match in the long term. But you seem to have thought this through a bit more than most, and already seem to have a handle on many of the issues that are likely to come up, and you're enough into your 20s to have been through some life experiences. So it's more likely to work for you than it would be for someone younger. And, as you've said, you like him, and feel attraction to him. The one thing I'd suggest is looking at your motivation in terms of what attracts you to him. If you never had a close connection with your dad, you might be unconsciously acting out a desire for closeness with a father figure on him, and that probably won't be healthy in the long term. Likewise, if you are the sort of person who is very dependent, this relationship will reinforce that dependency, which could limit your own opportunity to grow and become independent. But if neither of those situations apply (or even if they do, but you're willing to take it on anyway) then, like Lex, I would say that you could cautiously continue to see what develops. As Lex said, it will likely require some compromise, and you'll likely see the imbalances coming into play, but as long as you're aware and are mindful about that dynamic, it could be worth exploring further. As for the other guy... I think Lex's response is a good one. Letting the thing die on the vine by not responding can work too, though some guys simply don't get the subtlety and will pester incessantly until told no (and sometimes even then.) So you could potentially try Lex's approach, or just let it go and see if it will die on its own.
This is very good advice. I think its also important to point another thing out. I've always felt that around 20 something age really shouldn't matter too heavily anymore and it really becomes more of a 'where you are in your lives' kind of thing. As long as you're in around the same places in your lives the age difference probably won't be problem as far as the relationship itself goes. The problem with large age differences is that the possibility of the two people in those relationships being in the same point of their lives is hard to imagine. He is twice your age. Could you imagine yourself being with someone who is being born now in 22 years? Do you think in 22 years you'll be at the same maturity level as someone being born now? Or should you be rather. It is really all about who the people are though and I don't know know who you or he are so I really don't want to speculate too much. If you really feel that you and him could be good together and he doesn't see a problem with it then why is it a problem? You're two consenting adults. Like Lex and Chip have said if you're aware of the challenges that you'll face in advance and you're willing to face them then more power to ya. About the second guy. I think the best strategy is to just say to him that you aren't interested like Lex said. As Chip pointed out, you could see if he just gets the hint but in the end honesty is always the best policy.
Thanks for the responses : ). Thanks Lex; your thinking is actually quite close to my own. I’m not foolish enough to think there won’t be any problems, mostly because I’ve already brought a lot of this up to him and we’ve discussed it quite a bit. I kinda want to reply to Chip the most, also to Pepsi though, since I’ve apparently misrepresented the guy. You start out by linking this to what appears to be a personal issue; i.e. older guys seeking young guys. To be honest, that’s not how this started out; we didn’t meet on any kind of dating site or hookup site, but instead a web forum for a game I really like. From the very beginning, our relationship has been a friendship; we talked quite a bit about different things and he always made me laugh, so I didn’t since any harm from him. I actually admitted to being smitten with him before actually meeting, and while he did admit to liking my attitude and such, he was very quick to defend the friendship. He never really pressured me to meet him; he brought the issue up a couple times, wanting to hang out in a friendly way, but never directly asked me out or anything. I actually had a bit of a downturn in my life before our meeting, and since I wouldn’t return his texts or phone calls, he was incredibly worried and pretty frantic. There’s actually something I left out- when we met, he didn’t initiate anything. We spent seven hours just watching movies together, having a very good time, and he was just as cool in real life as in virtual. Pretty much everything was started on my end. I kissed him first, and he actually pushed me away from it; it wasn’t until we talked for quite a bit that he finally relaxed a bit. I’m not worried about his intentions; I have no doubts. It might be foolish, but hey, I’ve never been much more than anything else. I can honestly say I trust him. I get the whole thing about daddy issues; my sister is dating a man 24 years older than her and it’s well known she has them by the bucket. I can admit that I have my own; my father and I never actually had a relationship. But I’m fairly sure that’s not it, since my lack of a relationship with my father is my own choice. I’ve always been very independent, always been very strong-willed, and I’m not even close to seeking a daddy figure. To be honest, I’ve never thought I would be one to date an older man; not my personal thing and I gave my sister quite a bit of hell when she started dating her boyfriend. I’ve been doing quite a bit of thinking on my own, and though I’ve lost track of my original issue, I wanna thank you for your thoughts : ). This is really helping me sort out my head, so cheers. You guys are awesome.
