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I'm a coward

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Bario, Oct 10, 2010.

  1. Bario

    Bario Guest

    So, its the first day of the new term, a fresh start, and I had decided that this term I wanted to come out to a few friends. I wanted to do it today, get it over and done with, but I chickened out.
    I even had a bunch of good oportunities to do it. I was talking with one of my mates, about nothing inparticular, and he was practically feeding me chances to come out to him.
    Me: I dont really think I will ever need to drive, it doesnt seem that important to me. I just catch buses everywhere.
    Him: What about when your older and your family needs to get around, will they just catch buses? Or would you just get your wife to drive you everywhere?
    I was going to reply, "Well, I'm gay, so I wouldnt get my wife to drive me around, and I wouldnt have children either." But all I could do was give him a strange look, that passed right over his head.
    Me: So, you have a girlfriend yet?
    Him: Nah, do you?
    I wanted to say, "Nah, I'm gay." But I choked up and couldnt say anything but "nope."

    Later, during English, I somehow got into a conversation with another friend about how she should get a boyfriend, so that he can smell her and confirm my belief that she is a smelly pants. (Yes, I am very immature.) And then we got onto listing who she liked, and who was suitable to smell her. All I needed her to say was, "So, who are you interested in?" But I couldnt steer the convo that way.
    And at lunch, the same friend was being an idiot and playing with flowers, throwing the petals around, and saying whoever the petals land on is 'The Chosen One'. And then she decided that whoever these petals land on is queer. Believe it or not, they landed on me. She pipes up saying, "Hehe, Pat, your queer!" I could have so easily said, "Yes, yes I am", but I didnt.
    A little while later I was explaining how the internet ruined my childhood this weekend. (I had discovered that Nigel Thronberry, from one of my favourite childhood shows, was voiced by Tim Curry, who played Frank-n-furter in The Rocky Horror film, and how now, whenever I think of The wild thornberrys, all I will be able to picture is nigel thornberry in nothing but a corset and panties. Eww.) And then one of my friends said she thought TimCurry was really hot, and then they all started talking about guys they thought were hot. I really wanted to pipe in and give my opinion on the matter, but I couldnt.

    Gah! I'm such a coward, I feel really crappy now. I just wish I wasnt such a chicken about it all, I wish I could just talk to someone about it. I am out to 1 friend, but I never see her or talk to her, so I am effectively right back where I started. Nobody in my life knows who I really am.
    I dont even have a good reason to come out. Yes, I would like to get it off my chest, I really would, but I just feel like I am only trying to come out of this closet because it is expected of me. I dont feel like I have made a choice, it just seems that I have to do this. And I cant think of who to come out to either, I dont want to tell someone, and find that it wasnt the right person to tell at that time. I have a bisexual friend, so I know I could always talk to her, but I can get her alone for 5 minutes, and I dont think we are good enough friends to have that sort of a conversation. On the same note, I know I will be accepted by my friends, because she is. I dont know why I am putting this all off, if I have nothing to worry about, then why am I worrying?
    I just feel like such a useless coward, and I will never be able to be myself around people.
     
  2. Austin

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    Well, all I can say is you'll have other chances. If that's how many opportunities you had in one day, imagine how many you'll get throughout the year. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: There's no rush and it'll make no difference whether you tell them today or tomorrow or the next day really. But if you really want to tell them soon, keep trying. ;P You'll get it out. If you don't feel comfortable doing it, wait until you are. Nobody is forcing you to come out. Do it for yourself, not other reasons. :slight_smile: Goodluck.
     
  3. Lexington

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    The good thing about finding "openings" for coming out is that if you miss one, there'll be another one coming by later.

    The bad thing about finding "openings for coming out is that if you miss one, there'll be another one coming by later. So you might fall into the habit of thinking you should wait for the "good" one. And the only good one is one you take advantage of. :slight_smile: So just wait for your next chance, and decide that that will be the good one.

    Lex
     
  4. Krissie

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    Hey there, I'm new to this forum and I'm also straight, so I'm not sure how much my advice will help you, but I think you should relax and not worry too much about letting everyone know. The right time will come, don't overthink it. In the meantime, enjoy their company and enjoy being a teenager :slight_smile: Best of luck to you.
     
  5. malachite

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    I don't think you're a coward, coming out if tough. The fact that you want to do it at all shows you've got a backbone. Don't worry, there'll be other opertunites. You'll come out when you're ready.
     
  6. Bryan90

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    Well sometimes no matter how resolved you think you are, there will be some emotions holding you back from doing something.

    Perhaps you shouldn't feel bad about it or feel like a coward because you're definitely not alone in this; I myself have countless attempts where certain emotions have held me back in doing what I was resolved to do. Besides feeling bad about it will only make it worse, so ideally I would just end up with a grimace for two second and console myself with "oh well, maybe next time" and continue to be resolved and hopefully not deterred by the experience.
     
  7. Grey Knight

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    You are not a coward, if anything I am. At least you want to come out, you are making the effort and it is something you want. Good for you.

    I came out to my parents, only because my boyfriend did not want to feel like we were lying to them, something I was entirely fine with.

    Coming out is incredibly scary, and that you want to shows you are anything but a coward. Good luck, you will see that once you do come out things will be a lot better, depending on the reaction, the feeling of freedom is greater than the feeling of fear of their reaction.
     
  8. Bario

    Bario Guest

    Thanks everyone, I feel better now. I still feel like I am letting perfectly good opportunities slip through my hands, but I dont feel like such a wuss about it anymore. Its just really unpleasant sitting through a conversation and not being able to give any input because I am still in the closet. In the last two days, my friends have brought up the prospect of me getting a girlfriend so many times, I counted around 3 more today, and it just gets so frustrating that they dont know.
    But thanks everyone.
     
  9. malachite

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    We've all been there Bario. I tried many times when I first wanted to come out and failed, but when I look back on them now, I don't see it as any big thing.

    More opportunities will come, kicking you're self over it isn't going to make it an easier.

    You'll do it when you're ready
     
  10. RedState

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    Well, first of all It's not like other opportunities will not present themselves in time. Trust me, they will.

    I can remember when I ALMOST came out to someone (i'm still pretty much in the closet) and I wimped out. It's not because I was a coward, it was because it was scary as shit and I simply wasn't completely ready or prepared.


    Also, there is never any rush to do anything like this. You are on no one's timetable but your own. You are still young, so there is plenty of time. Just make sure you are ready, and when the time is right you will know it.