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Apprehensive Parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Frer3, Oct 11, 2010.

  1. Frer3

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    As I've started coming out, I've felt more and more proud of my sexuality. I would love to become active in the LGBT community, but my mother won't let me. She's afraid, which is understandable. However, she's taken her fear too far. She won't let me express myself, even forbidding me to be the flippy-gay person I probably am at heart. I want to rebel, but I don't know what I could do to prove to my mother that I can handle the hate.
     
  2. Blondie

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    ceck to see if theres a pflag in your area
     
  3. Chip

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    Hi,

    First, my suspicion is that your mom's issues are more about her concerns than they are about you. Her forbidding you to be who you are is likely her own internalized homophobia. So what can you do?

    Just be yourself. She can't forbid you from being who you are (or who you are but haven't felt free to let loose.) And have a conversation with her that you're ready to take whatever comes of it, but she needs to let you be yourself. Depending on the nature of your relationship, you might directly approach the idea that perhaps she is uncomfortable with you being the "flippy-gay" person you feel you want to be, and that it's less about you than it is about her. Gently help her realize that you are you, and suppressing who you really are simply isn't good for anyone.

    Stewie's right, you should locate a PFLAG nearby and get her to attend. Offer to go with her. That will be a huge help for her. But in the meantime, be gentle but firm, and stand up for yourself. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Lexington

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    Not sure where you are in Colorado, but it seems "acceptance" runs the spectrum here. In Denver, even in high school, you'd probably not get much more grief than any other student gets. If you're in one of the rural mountain communities, well, it'll probably be tougher there.

    One of the worst things to do in a situation like this is to "rebel". Because then it makes the move less of a "I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do", and more of a "I'm doing this because I'm a teenager, and that's what teens do". You won't get your mom on board by running counter to her wishes. Instead, approach it from as much an adult position as you can. The more adult you appear, the harder it'll be for parents to respond as if you're a child. :slight_smile:

    Tell her you understand her concerns. Let her know you won't do anything to jeopardize your safety. Then let her know that coming to grips with your sexuality has made you feel far more secure and happy than you were before. And ask if you she'd be willing to read some material that you think might help. Then, go to PFLAG's website, find some appropriate pieces, and print them out for her. If you can get her to go to a PFLAG meeting, great, but this might be a good entry point for that.

    Lex
     
  5. malachite

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    Well, I would recommend you have a serious talk with your mother, not as Mom and son, but as two adults. You’re 17 years old, you’ll be 18 soon enough, which means you’ll be moving out, going to school, whatever it is you decide to do with your life. This isn’t some phase you’re going through, you’re an adult now and this is who you are. If she wants to be part of your life she is going to have to shape up. Because truthfully once you’re gone, its your choice whether you want her in your life (which may be part of the problem too, empty nest syndrome and all that). Explain to her that you’re still her son, you’re the same person you’ve always been, you’re just gay too.
     
  6. Frer3

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    I love the advice so far, but I do disagree with one thing Chip mentioned. My mom has never been homophobic. My parents are both incredibly liberal-minded, have friends in the GSA, both as gay and straight members. She's always been supportive of LGBT rights. Does this have any effect on where this apprehension might be coming from?
     
  7. beckyg

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    Even the most loving and accepting parents have fears when their children come out. She doesn't want you to be another Matthew Shepphard. I have heard of these types of fears too many times. Her fears will probably ease up with time. Just go easy on her and realize she's acting this way because she loves you.
     
  8. Chip

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    There's a big difference between homophobia and internalized homophobia :slight_smile:

    There was actually a great article a few months back in something like NY Times or The Nation or something, I wish I had the citation. It was exploring how a fairly large percentage of parents who are very liberal in every regard, and teach their children tolerance, and are openly supportive of gay rights, are suddenly not-so-OK with it when it's their own child who is gay, and talked about the reasons and the issues surrounding that.

    I think what it boils down to is that, as much as they want to be OK with it, many parents still feel like either it's a failure on their own part, or that they, or their child, has somehow fallen short, or ( as perhaps in this case) they are a little bit stuck in gender stereotypes and are uncomfortable having a son who doesn't meet society's traditional masculine gender stereotypes.

    I think the advice you've gotten from everyone in this thread is good. I do think that a meaningful conversation will probably make some headway. Particularly if she's really liberal, she might be able to see and understand her own fears and internalized homophobia or, at the least, internalized gender stereotypes... and that, in turn, may help her better understand her own issue which will make it easier for her to accept you.

    I think PFLAG is an excellent idea and resource and talking to others in that setting about her concerns will probably be very helpful in enabling her to better understand how you feel, and what her own feelings are on the issue.
     
  9. Frer3

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    Update

    My mom and I had a talk, and she said that her concern was more for my dad's sake. He's an episcopal priest, and his congregation was divided down the middle when Gene Robinson was elected. She told me that she didn't want me to become to promiscuous with my sexuality as of now, because she's afraid that the church will find out, and that another schism would be devastating, given the fact that we're still recovering from the first one.
     
  10. beckyg

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    Well now you know more from where she is coming from. This is good, you are talking! I hope your Dad will eventually side with the people that support full inclusion for glbt people. The Episocpal church is really moving forward on this issue. Your mother being afraid you might be promiscuous is just a stereotype that she believes right now. Just keep talking to your mom. Let her know who you are dating, ect. It will bring you closer.
     
  11. Chip

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    This is really encouraging, and it brings more nuance to the situation.

    On the one hand, you really do have to live your own life, but on the other, being a little low key for a while if it helps prevent a freak-out amongst your dad's congregation seems like a wise choice.

    And.. I didn't interpret "flippy-gay" to mean promiscuous, but if that's what she meant, I guess I can see her concern also. Dating a guy, getting close with him, and having sex in a committed relationship is one thing, but, since for now at least, you're still "the preacher's son", going a lil crazy and having sex with a bunch of boys could definitely be hurtful to your dad and upsetting to the congregation, particularly if you live in a small enough town where word could get around.

    So as long as you keep talking, perhaps there's a middle ground where your parents are OK, you feel the freedom to experience life, and nobody gets offended. :slight_smile:
     
  12. Frer3

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    My father has always been very accepting of people who live different lifestyles. It's really great to have my parents be so accepting. My mom has also been keeping correspondence with one of her gay friends in Texas for advice. He said not to worry. That this would be a learning experience for the congregation if they ever got wind.
     
  13. VentinIntrovert

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    Let her watch Glee!
     
  14. Frer3

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    My mom is already a budding gleek!